Speed Read: Washing Our Hands of the Swine Flu

The discerning reader prefers the news (and most foods) wrapped in bacon and liberally salted with panic. Therefore, we provide your Thursday morning sports-centric swine flu stories to better arm you at the water cooler to pass along the latest gossip mumbled through your faux designer mask:

Swine flu (or pigs fly)

Whew. That’s a lot of abject terror sensible precaution for one morning. Please add any additional sports-related swine flu stories to the comments below so the few remaining survivors have a record of these final days.

Thankfully, our few remaining moments left as a functional species can be well-represented by the following people tellin’ it like it is and keepin’ it real with the kids, assuming your kids take Don Rickles’ routine at face value:

Geno Auriemma

Fire truck at Comerica Park

(Emergency vehicle sized appropriately to emergency)

Finally, a false alarm (possibly a fire alarm) in the eighth inning could not shake the New York Yankees from barely holding onto a 8-6 lead at Comerica Park over the Detroit Tigers last night despite holding a 7-1 advantage late in the contest. As Joe Girardi put it, “In this day and age, that’s a little scary.”

Heck, Joe … in this day and age, what isn’t?

And now a hail of bullet points caused by two heroin-slingin’ senior citizen sisters (though you can’t fault them for looking for a new retirement plan these days) …

What’s your favorite pandemic?

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NASCAR Proves It’s A Sport With More Drug Tests

With all of their drivers gathered in Dover for today’s Sprint Cup - which, by the way, Greg Biffle won - NASCAR decided to unveil their brand spanking new updated drug policy. Essentially, it boils down to this: If you’re a driver, you can be testing at any time, any where, any place. Even RIGHT NOW!

Nascar fan

(What happens when you don’t test for testosterone.)

According to NASCAR.COM, “The selection would be so random that O’Donnell said a driver could be tested every week in the season, or never after the preseason test is given.”

The effect that performance-enhancing drugs has on drivers is unclear - what are they, going to turn their wheel harder than everyone else? - but what’s most hilarious is the fact that the random testing policy was basically instituted because of the famed excuse of “that’s what everyone else is doing.”

Read more…

This Bud’s For Me: Kahne Wins All-Star Race

Kasey Kahne said he was ready to sit at home and watch the NASCAR Sprint All-Star Race on his couch.

Kasey Kahne NASCAR

He would later learn that instead of sitting in front of his TV, he’d be sitting behind the wheel. Read more…