Stephen Colbert Sponsors US Speed Skating Team

One of the less visible consequences of the global financial crisis that the political party you hate is solely responsible for is the plight of those teams and athletes whose sponsorships dried up alongside the banks’ profit margins. The US speed skating team, in particular, was hard hit; they were due $300,000 from a Dutch bank (Why are the Netherlands trying to buy our athletes? Are Dutch people commies? DEVELOPING…), but when that bank went belly-up, the speed skaters were in need of a real American hero.

Stephen Colbert
(Tragically, the full suit would prove to be too unwieldy for competitive speed-skating. And the sword would melt the ice and nobody wants that.)

In steps one Dr. Stephen T. Colbert, DFA, and the greatest nation of them all: Colbert Nation. In a how-did-we-not-see-this-coming move, Colbert announced on Monday that his show and its legions of followers would be sponsoring the team for this year’s Olympics, with logo placement on the uniform and everything. Well played, you bespectacled maniac.

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What The NCAA Really Needs Is A BCS Spokesman

According to ESPN, it looks like the NCAA’s thinking about hiring a permanent “point person” for the BCS, rather than the current system where the BCS spokesman has been the commissioner of one of the conferences on a two-year, rotating basis. That doesn’t seem like much of a problem… up until that conference commissioner has to explain to people why his team just got an unpopular spot in the national title game.

BCS logo with faces
(I think this’ll work.)

So, since we’re helpers as always, we’ve decided that the NCAA is absolutely right. The problem with the BCS system isn’t one of the myriad fundamental flaws that college football fans routinely point out, like the fact that no other sport uses a one-game system for the title or that teams who go undefeated at least deserve a shot at the title. No no, we’re going to need a spokesperson for this. Fortunately, we’ve got four candidates lined up for you.

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Hey Kids! Get Your NFL Cheerleader Tradin’ Cards

If you’ve yet to open that new Topps Jumbo Pack of NFL trading cards you just purchased (OK, lets face it: Your parents purchased for you), you’ve got an extra surprise in store. No, the Ben Roethlisberger card does not come with a denial of wrongdoing. It’s something better.

There’s one NFL cheerleader card in every pack. Yeah, there’s such a thing as Topps NFL cheerleader cards. Thank you, Topps, for inventing this years too late. Of course, you’re going to have to forage like a crazed homeless person to collect all 15 cheerleaders — there are only one per pack. But thus is the genius of the plan, as far as Topps is concerned.

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