• AWFUL ANNOUNCING shows Marv Albert doing the Soulja Boy - sort of.

• Michael David Smith of AOL FANHOUSE learns that TheDirty.com has caught another NFL player in another potentially embarrassing situation - this time it’s Terrell Owens lurking around the “Bang Bus“.

• Not happy with the “DUI” chants aimed at Carmelo Anthony, FIRE GEORGE KARL retaliates with their top 10 reasons to hate Lakers fans.

• LARRY BROWN SPORTS keeps a stiff upper lip, as the D-Backs’ Eric Byrnes is bringing back the ’70s porn mustache.

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Arrgghh! Renaissance Faire fans at last weekend’s Men’s Luxury Toy Expo in Phoenix got a surprise visit from a few members of the Suns, led by Deputy Shaq who even took the time to handle one of the magic rods.

While Phil Jackson was busy hitting on Michele Tafoya, the Suns took time out of their busy schedule to pay attention to grown men wearing medieval costumes. Grant Hill and Leandro Barbosa were also on hand to swing swords at pudgy white guys who were obviously in awe of million dollar athletes hitting them with toys.

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• THE LONDON SUN has a message from the L.A. Galaxy to the English Premier League:

No, you can’t have David Beckham back:

Not yours.

• WE ARE THE POSTMEN finds classic video of Jose Canseco warning kids of the dangers of steroids.

• How ’bout them Cowboys getting petty? Not satisfied with Sunday’s win, GAME ON! reports that Dallas wants a sack recorded by the Giants’ Osi Umenyiora taken away:

• SPORTS HUB LA compares UCLA coach Karl Dorrell to Sean Penn, as both are Dead Men Walking.• The BOSTON HERALD knows Curt Schilling’s horse finally comes in, as the pitcher’s steed wins a race by 6 lengths.

• INSIDE SOCAL gets offensive in asking USC fans which Trojan coordinator they would prefer:

• HUGGING HAROLD REYNOLDS reminds you there’s no crying in baseball, as Yankee broadcaster Suzyn Waldman tears up about Joe Girardi’s hiring.• THE LAZY EYE OF STUART SCOTT gets down with Hall & Oates, who congratulate Adrian Peterson on his big day.

• FULL COURT PRESS finds Ric Bucher batting 1.000, as the ESPN analyst aggravates Pistons president Joe Dumars with his incorrect Kobe-to-Detroit trade rumors:

• JEN’S FREE THROWS comes on down, as Grant Hill & his mom are ready to play the Family Feud.• PART MULE offers an olive branch, as the U.N. wants everyone to call a truce during the Beijing Olympics.