It was an incredibly tumultuous night in Cleveland, and the Cavaliers losing to the Wizards was the least shocking news of the night. (Although as the WASHINGTON POST’s Michael Lee points out, Washington joins the Lakers and Celtics as the only teams to beat Cleveland twice this season.) Yes, it’s not often that the best team in the league loses to the worst team in the league, but the Wizards are a unique case, with Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood finally back playing after missing almost all of the season with injuries.

No, most of the evening drama in Cleveland involved the Browns. First came some fallout from Jay Cutler’s trade to the Bears, specifically reports that Cleveland had tried to work out a three-way deal with the Broncos and Redskins that would have sent Brady Quinn to Denver and Jason Campbell to Cleveland. Browns coach Eric Mangini spent Thursday night denying these reports; expect Quinn to demand a trade because the Browns tried to trade him sometime within the next week.

And later in the evening, there was news in the DUI manslaughter case against Browns WR Donte Stallworth, and it was more than just his first appearance at a court hearing. It turns out that Stallworth was already in the NFL’s substance abuse program at the time of his arrest, which opens him up to a whole range of punishment from the league. Of course, he’s facing charges that could land him in jail for at least eight years, and having a history of substance abuse issues is not going to help his case, so I’d say that Roger Goodell is the least of Stallworth’s problems right now.

Meanwhile, there were no problems at the opening of the Hard Rock Cafe Yankee Stadium yesterday, just a lot of unintentional comedy as reported by MLB.COM. What do I mean? How about Yankees’ Executive Vice President Hal “The Pretty One” Steinbrenner joining rock stars/C-list celebs with nothing better to do Ace Frehley of KISS, Scott Ian and Frank Bello of Anthrax, Darryl “DMC” McDaniels, Bernie Williams and members of the Seminole Nation to smash guitars instead of cutting a ribbon. And yes, this means rock and roll is officially dead.

(Oh yeah, “Late Show With David Letterman” band drummer Anton Fig was there, which only means one thing: even Paul Shaffer had too much dignity to show up to this thing.)

Other news while you were rioting in the streets of State College to celebrate Penn State’s NIT victory:

• As PUCK DADDY notes, it must be like getting their hearts ripped out all over again for Hartford Whalers fans to see a Hurricanes jersey with the Whalers’ logo (and a God awful color combination). Although I’d love it if the Ravens wore Browns jerseys for “Turn Back The Clock” day against Cleveland.



• While the Jay Cutler trade solved one long-running NFL saga, the Anquan Boldin/Arizona Cardinals mess continues to fester. The latest comes from NFL.COM which reports that Boldin told a Florida radio station that he would “love to” play in his home city of Miami.
• I had hoped that the America’s Cup had gone the way of 1980s fads like The Lambada, Swatches and The California Raisins. But apparently it’s still happening, and it’s now the focus of lawsuits involving people with more money than they know what to do with. The AP has the latest news, as software tycoon Larry Ellison and his boat “Oracle” have won the right to challenge the current Cup holders, Judge Elihu Smails and his boat “The Flying Wasp” (seen below at its coronation):
  

• It looks like things are going anything but “perfect” for former Cincinnati ace Tom Browning: THE NEWS & OBSERVER reports the Reds have dropped him as the pitching coach for the Carolina Mudhens after he was arrested on Friday for failure to pay child support.
• If you’re a former NFL player who gets arrested on drug charges, you would hope that the headlines wouldn’t call you “forgettable.” But that’s just how NBC DALLAS FORT WORTH described former Cowboy Leonardo Carson, arrested yesterday on intent to sell charges, and I’ll be damned if they aren’t right.
• Now that Tim Floyd has turned down Arizona, TUCSON CITIZEN columnist Anthony Gimino wants to know if there’s anyone left who wants the Wildcats’ coaching job. May I make a suggestion: Former Baylor coach Dave Bliss is available and ready to talk. Sure, he’s got a checkered past, but the guy knows how to win. Barring that, perhaps Jerry Tarkanian is available.
• Sports is creeping its way into politics in Los Angeles, as the LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS reports that City Attorney candidate Carmen Trutanich is being ripped by his opponent and NOW for successfully representing former USC defensive back Eric Wright on rape charges in 2005.
• I can’t imagine why parents in Shenendehowa, NY are upset to find out that a part-time track coach had his teaching license revoked 11 years ago after an alleged sexual abuse case. WTEN-TV says that while Don Paretta was not convicted, he admitted to giving a former student a note at graduation saying he would “miss the student’s face and body.” And this guy coached pole vaulting: let the jokes commence.
• According to the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER, Boston College DT B.J. Raji - a projected Top 10 pick in the NFL Draft - committed a crime worse than scoring single digits on the Wonderlic test: he reportedly flunked a drug test at the NFL Combine.
• Finally, HOME RUN DERBY sends a hearty congratulations to Manatee Community College, which defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates 6-4 yesterday. Yes, those Pittsburgh Pirates, as in the “allegedly major league Pirates.” Bill Mazeroski would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.

A 6-foot, 38-year-old former New York lawyer with no playing or coaching experience is the most sought-after personal trainer among NBA circles? Such is the aura & mystique of a man known as the Hoops Whisperer.

Hannah Karp of the WALL STREET JOURNAL bounces along the story of Idan Ravin, the attorney-turned-trainer who was raised an orthodox Jew, but has many NBA stars like Carmelo Anthony, Chris Paul and Gilbert Arenas proclaiming “Mazeltov!” at his unorthodox training techniques.

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Eddie Jordan will no longer act as head coach of the fantastically awful 1-10 Washington Wizards, replaced by a nominal front office presence that has been shadowing the team all season. According to WIZARDS INSIDER, Ed Tapscott runs the team as of practice this morning.

Jordan took over the club in 0 B.Z. (Before Zero), joining the franchise in 2003 when Gilbert Arenas did.  After a brutal 25-win opening campaign, Jordan managed to hold the Wizards firmly at mediocre, never straying from a few games over .500 and only advancing in the playoffs once before becoming LeBron James’ warmup series in three consecutive postseasons.
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• Even though the Olympics are over, gymnast Alicia Sacramone is still going for the gold by trying to land a TV gig.

• Gilbert Arenas shows his support for President-Elect Barack Obama by tattooing his fingers.

• A Buffalo sportswriter leaves a high school football game early - by falling down the press box stairs.

• No wonder Texas A&M has been going through a crappy season - their stadium is filled with bat poop.

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Over the last week I’ve talked to a lot of people who are extremely happy that Barack Obama will be the next President of the United States. Yes, there is plenty of love to go around for the President-elect because he’s not George W. Bush, and like a new head coach, all the fans love him before the season starts. Once the games start, though, opinions have a tendency to change as people suddenly remember a President can’t do everything he promised.

Which is why Gilbert Arenas may one day regret the decision he made on Friday night. You see, earlier this year when Gilbert said he wasn’t going to vote he wasn’t being serious. In reality Agent Zero is a pretty big Obama supporter. Did I say supporter? I meant to say Gilbert is thisclose to stalking him.

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Rest easy, sports fans. Some of you have been concerned that, between his recent knee surgery and heartbreakingly discussing his painful upbringing, that Gilbert Arenas had mellowed out a bit. But he’s back in full force, with a wide-ranging interview in DIME that should reassure even the most apostate Gilbertologist that the patron saint of crazy hasn’t lost a step.

“I think I do enough things off the court that keep me relevant,” says Agent Zero, as the universe nods its head in agreement. From calling the Cavaliers “a bad NCAA team,” to how running off at the mouth is great PR for the Wizards, to a so-insane-it’s-brilliant comparison of the NBA to a tree, Arenas proves once again that if he’s not crazy, he might just be too smart for the rest of us mortals to comprehend him. (Our savior speaks, after the jump.)

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• PRO FOOTBALL TALK suggests another name change might be in order for The Wide Receiver Formerly Known as Chad Johnson after the Bengals’ rough start:

• Think your team got blown out last week? BLEACHER REPORT reminds you just how bad it could be by looking back at the anniversary of Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland 0.
• NJ.COM suggests that Rutgers QB Mike Teel might want to go into Witness Protection based on the hate he’s getting from Scarlet Knights fans for the team’s awful season.
• SPORT CRACKLE POP eats up the news that Manchester United soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo was given a red card by a hot Colombian soap star he tried to put the moves on.
• PUCK DADDY wants you to get out the vote: for the new Hockey Night in Canada theme song. I’ll vote for whatever Rush is doing.

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Another night, another Mets collapse: this time they blew a four-run lead before falling 9-6 to the Cubs in 10 innings. Combine that with CC Sabathia pitching a gem on short rest to lift the Brewers to a 4-2 win over the Pirates and you’ve got a tie for the NL Wild Card. Instead of buying seats as souvenirs when the season is over, Mets fans might just be ripping them apart in disgust after another late-season collapse.

The Phillies lost, too, but even more troubling, as the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS reports, was this: the Philadelphia Police Department bomb squad blew up the hot dogs the Phillie Phanatic shoots into crowds between innings, after someone called in about a suspicious package. They were hardly a danger to the public, unless you count the nitrates, fat and sodium. But this is Philadelphia, the home of the cheese steak - when it comes to food leading to heart attacks, hot dogs are the least of their concerns.

Former Virginia starting QB Peter Lalich strikes me as a fan of cheese steaks. And hot dogs. And whatever else he can find when he’s hammered. Even though he was just kicked out of school for underage drinking, COLLEGE FOOTBALL TALK notes that it didn’t take long for him to land on his wobbly feet: he’s already enrolled at Oregon State, and will be eligible to play next season.

Why did Lalich choose the Beavers? Perhaps he thought that Dennis Erickson was still the head coach and he needed a new drinking buddy. Or maybe OSU wanted some advance scouting for their game against USC tonight, since he started against them the opening weekend. Although I’m guessing any notes he gave to Coach Mike Riley weren’t very useful:

“Dear Coach: Their defense hits really hard. It hurts to play them, especially when you’re nursing a wicked hangover from Dollar PBR night at Snooker’s.”

Also landing on his feet quickly: fired Lions GM Matt Millen. Actually, it’s more like “gently floating to Earth on a golden parachute” as MLIVE.COM reports that Detroit could be on the hook for the his entire $50 million contract after letting him go. Judging by this photo found by DEADSPIN, you would hope that he could afford a riding lawnmower with that giant wad of cash.

• WITH LEATHER has designs on the world’s first underground stadium, currently being built in Qatar. No truth that the rumor that the Raiders’ home field of the Oakland-Alameda County Coliseum is underground: it’s just the coach who is being buried six feet under.
• CBS 4 DENVER has Broncos’ lineman Kenny Peterson trying to get a side mount on reporter Kathy Lee. Don’t get any ideas, creeps - they were learning Jiu-Jitsu for a story. Needless to say, he fared better against her than the black belt trainer.
• T.J. Simers of the LOS ANGELES TIMES highlights some good deeds by Manny Ramirez - and pimps this very site!
• WASHINGTONIAN.COM interviews Trader Joe’s cheese buyer turned DC SPORTS BOG writer Dan Steinberg, who gives his opinions on everything from Gilbert Arenas to Jim Zorn’s magic dust to beer.
• Is Andy Pettitte done as a Yankee? The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS wonders that after the team announces he’s done for the season with a bum left shoulder. If only there was some way he could take something to help him get stronger and recover faster between starts…
• The DALLAS MORNING NEWS reports about an ex-women’s basketball player at SMU who is suing the school and head coach Rhonda Rompola for pulling her scholarship after she complained about inappropriate comments and questions the coach allegedly made about her lesbian sex life.
• MMA EXPERTS BLOG is ready to take Gina Carano to the mat for calling a press conference to complain about all the attention she’s receiving. Because posing for men’s magazines while wearing practically nothing and starring in American Gladiators while … well … wearing practically nothing is a great way to avoid being noticed.
• MOUTHPIECE SPORTS notes that even though none of the players from the original RBI Baseball Nintendo game are still playing, seven of the teams are still playing in the same stadiums. Of course, every stadium in RBI Baseball looked like a more generic Three Rivers Stadium, so take that at face value.
• HOME RUN DERBY wonders if the Cubbies aren’t tempting fate by already having World Series tickets printed up.
• The Oakland A’s haven’t decided to unveil new uniforms to court the alternative lifestyle crowd in the Bay Area: SF GATE reports that the rookies were forced to dress in drag for the team’s final road trip to Seattle. Almost but not quite as nightmare-inducing as the Padres as Hooters girls, but close.

Hot dogs plus the bomb squad might be a mess, but is the pinnacle of exploding goodness?

Validating those of you out there who think the Ryder Cup is more dangerous than the NHL, it was reported on Tuesday night that St. Louis Blues defenseman Erik Johnson suffered what appears to be a season ending knee injury while golfing last week. The 20-year-old Johnson, one of the bright young defensive stars in the NHL, tore his ACL and MCL when his leg got caught between the gas pedal and brake pedal on his golf cart.  If I was Johnson, I probably would’ve  tried to pull a modified Monta Ellis and lie about it, and at least say I was wrestling a wild boar or something.

And while we’re on the topic, the Yankees are going to have plenty of time for golf next week as they were finally put out of their misery last night when the Red Sox beat the Indians 5-4. The defending champs held the standard champagne-spewing party afterward, but likely did so as the wild card team. But hey, any celebration featuring Jonathan Papelbon acting like a tool is worthy in my book:

The Yanks are missing the postseason for the first time since 1993. Hank Steinbrenner blames “socialist” revenue sharing. And the “divisional setup” for allowing inferior teams to attain playoff spots. Never mind that the last Yankee championship team won only 87 regular-season games.

Beneficiaries of much revenue sharing, the Rays lowered their magic number to two with a doubleheader sweep of the officially hapless Orioles. It was the first DH sweep in franchise history. Prince Fielder’s walk-off homer gave the Brewers a win and kept them within one game of the Mets, who beat the Cubs. The Mets, meanwhile, have decided that Omar Minaya is deserving of a four-year extension.

The Phillies phell and now lead the division by just a game and a half. The Dodgers bashed San Diego while the D-Backs were stymied in St. Louis, putting L.A.’s magic number at three. The Twins spanked the White Sox to pull within a game and a half in the AL Central.

And finally, your Lane Watch 2008 update: still employed. But don’t expect Petros Papadakis to be happy about that.

• What’s the big secret to the 49ers’ 2-1 start? It might be this thing:

The creatively-named “Glove” is a newfangled contraption that is reportedly “billed as better than steroids without any ill effects.” It pulls blood into your palm and cools it down or something, I think. Whatever, this article from the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE should tell you all you need to know.

• Q: Do you, Mr. Arenas, take this woman as your wife?  A: Hibachi! (thank you WASHINGTON POST)

• VEGAS WATCH confirms what we’ve all suspected, nay, known for years: Steve Phillips ain’t that smart, particularly when it comes to baseball. And yet, somehow, he’s a better predictor of baseball standings than Buster Olney.

• Star USC cornerback Shareece Wright is out for up to six weeks, leaving the Trojans with just 37 future first-round draft picks when they invade Corvallis, Oregon on Thursday.

We interrupt your regularly-scheduled Speed Read to give you this week’s installment of Ridiculous CFL Touchdown Celebrations (thanks to LARRY BROWN SPORTS for the tip):

Oddly, this isn’t even the worst CFL celebration this month.

• Donovan McNabb enlightens the 700 LEVEL about the virtues of The Fish That Saved Pittsburgh, among other topics.

• How big of a Rays fan is Dick Vitale? Approximately $250,000 big, says Nick Friedell of YAHOO! SPORTS.

• The DETROIT NEWS’ Terry Foster is told that Jon Kitna is not the Lions’ biggest problem — by Jon Kitna.

• The Knicks haven’t discussed a buyout with Stephon Marbury, says ESPN’s Chris Broussard. He’ll reportedly be at training camp along with, uh, Allan Houston? Really?

• Looks like Beanie Wells is in for Saturday’s game against Minnesota, per SI.COM.

• THE SPORTS HERNIA congratulates Cris Carter on his fabulous choice in eyewear. He’ll be a fine member of this exclusive club.

Let’s lay some blame:

• In the most horrible of MLB hazings, the Padres’ rookies get dressed up as Hooters Girls. Isn’t playing for San Diego embarrassing enough already?

*Editor’s note: We’re sorry for sharing such a terrifying image. Please enjoy the following photo as a token of our sincerest apologies:

(SbB Girls Vanessa, Hillary and Kim make it all better)

• Ron Artest says Josh Howard’s stunning comments about the Star-Spangled Banner are an indictment of America’s education system.

• What do you do when your team sucks & no one’s coming out to the games? If you’re the Washington Nationals, you cut payroll by $20 million.

• Staying in the District, Agent Zero will be out of action until December, as Gilbert Arenas needs knee surgery again.

• No Tiger at the Ryder? No problem, as long as Boo Weekley is around to cause chuckles around the course.

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