Taking Torch From Ted Kennedy … Curt Schilling?

Ask not what your country can do for you, Curt Schilling says. Ask what you can do for your country. And that something is to Vote For Schilling, if you live in Massachusetts, that is. Our Curt has expressed interest in running for the seat held for 40 years by the late Sen. Ted Kennedy.

George W. Bush, Curt Schilling

Yes when I think of the Kennedy legacy, the photo above immediately comes to mind. In fact, make that puppy giant-size and slap it on a few billboards around the state, and Schilling could be the first person ever to get zero votes. Sorry to ruin this thing before it gets started, Curt.

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George W. Bush Approves Of Botched Touchdown

DigitalSports.com has this amusing video of Virginia high school running back T.J. Peeler thinking he scored a touchdown, only to realize he stopped at the five-yard-line.

T.J. Wheeler Mission Accomplished George W. Bush

Cheer up, T.J., you did actually score with one guy.

Speed Read: Prez Candidates Grilled By Boomer

Have you voted yet? Why haven’t you voted yet? Why do you hate democracy so much? You know who loves democracy and elections? Chris Berman. That’s why we had Barack “And A Hard Place” Obama and John “Raising” McCain being interviewed by The Swami at halftime of Monday Night Football, answering the hard-hitting questions on topics such as health care, specifically their stance on importing medicine from Canada.

Obama and McCain on MNF

Actually, they didn’t give their stance on “222s,” although that would have been more enlightening than what we got out of each candidate. I saw Bob Costas interview President George W. Bush during the Olympics, and Chris Berman is no Bob Costas.

Here’s what each candidate would change about sports: McCain would get tough on steroids, while Obama would put a playoff in place for college football. That McCain chose a topic six months past relevancy while Obama went for the classic suck-up that all sports fans care about shows why the polls stand where they do.

Judge for yourself. First, Sen. Obama:

…and Sen. McCain:

And, oh yeah, there was a football game last night! And to draw a Presidential Election analogy, the Redskins played Walter Mondale to the Steelers’ Ronald Reagan (anyone under 30 should look it up on Wikipedia), as Pittsburgh rolled to a 23-6 victory. The only downside for Pittsburgh? Ben Roethlisberger left at halftime with a bum shoulder.

Ben Roethlisberger sacked

How come Pittsburgh has someone like Byron Leftwich as their back-up QB, but the Cowboys’ choices post-Tony Romo resemble the Republican ticket: ancient (Brad Johnson) and ineptly overmatched (Brooks Bollinger)?

Here’s what else happened last night for you to read before you get out and vote because it’s your civic duty as Americans and your fathers died for this right and if you don’t vote you are spitting in the graves of dead soldiers from World War I and the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln will haunt you until your death (maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but you really should vote):

Brady Quinn

  • Break out the hair gel and popped collars, and get ready to cover your junk: the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER says the Brady Quinn era for the Browns will officially begin on Thursday, as the strapping young man gets the nod ahead of Derek “I Suck” Anderson for Cleveland’s game against Denver.
  • UFC middleweight Chris Leben might want to consider changing his nickname from “The Crippler” to “The Juicer” after MMA JUNKIE reports that he has been suspended for nine months after testing positive for steroids. John McCain would put Leben over his knee and give him a firm paddling if he’s elected President.
  • The BOSTON GLOBE brings news that Theo Epstein has signed a new contract with the Red Sox to stay on as GM. Epstein held out until the team promised to pick up all gorilla suit-related dry cleaning bills.
  • From the Jim Fixx Memorial Department of Irony: two runners died of heart attacks after finishing the New York Marathon, according to the NEW YORK TIMES. I’ll choose to die of a heart attack while eating a Hot Pocket and watching Antiques Roadshow, the way God intended it.
  • The LAS VEGAS SUN says the sun is setting on Greg Maddux, as the future Hall of Famer is finally set to call it a career after 23 seasons and 367 wins.
  • Meanwhile, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS has news that Greg’s brother Mike Maddux has been named pitching coach for the Texas Rangers, as he can teach them everything he learned about being a throughly mediocre-to-average pitcher (which would be a drastic improvement for the Rangers).
  • The AP notes that Ken Mink, the 73-year-old college basketball player at Roane State Community College, scored two points last night in his team’s 93-42 win over the King’s College JV team. Maybe John McCain will have something to look forward to post-election after all…
  • Breathe a sigh of relief, Bears fans, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE soothes your worries about the 2008 season going down the tubes: Kyle Orton does not have ligament damage in his ankle, meaning your time with Sexy Rexy at QB could be as short as three games.
  • The BUDAPEST TIMES reports that former Hungarian Olympic athlete Krisztián Tölgyesi has been arrested after numerous explosive devices were found in his car. John McCain has no opinion on this, as long as they weren’t fueled by steroids.
  • Iowa can’t seem to stop getting their football players arrested, as the CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE has word that Hawkeyes DB Harold Dalton has pleaded guilty to three booze-related charges after a fight at a bar on Sunday. That’s three arrests this season for Iowa players, if you’re keeping track.

The hell with secret ballots: who are you voting for today for President?

View Results

Brog: Nats’ Radio Ratings Less Than Park Crowds

Paul Farhi of the WASHINGTON POST reports Washington Nationals’ radio broadcasts this season featuring Charlie Slowes and Dave Jageler, “attracted a cumulative weekly audience of about 26,500 from May through July, the most recent period measured by Arbitron.

Washington Nationals Radio Broadcast

(We now join a Nationals Radio Broadcast, already in progress)

That means the Nats have the “unusual distinction of being a team that has far more people watching its games in person (average attendance has been 29,990 per game) than listening to them on radio.

The scary part? Farhi writes that the owner of the radio stations broadcasting the games says the ratings numbers are probably a little high:

Bonneville Int’l VP/News & Programming Jim Farley, whose company owns the stations, conceded that the “actual radio audience for the Nationals is ‘probably lower’ than the average reported by Arbitron.”

Farley added, “There’s no storyline for this season. Who’s the hero? Who’s the big star? Even the (famously terrible) ‘62 Mets had Marv Throneberry. The Nats don’t have a character like that.

Lastings Milledge Myspace Page Photos

The Nats don’t have a character? Apparently Mr. Farley is unaware of Lastings Milledge’s Myspace page.

From The Basement Nationals Radio Ratings

(Great hed from WaPo - had to cap it)

The worst part of all of this is that Slowes and Jageler are being associated with those stinkbomb numbers. I worked as a MLB and minor league radio announcer for nearly ten years, and I can tell you that the contract status of broadcasters is often (inexplicably) tied to the success of the team.

I know of two cases in which the jobs of baseball announcers were probably saved by their team winning the World Series. One was the 2002 Angels, which featured the duo of Rory Markas and Terry Smith. Both are good guys (I worked with Terry on AAA Columbus broadcasts have met Rory a couple times), but were hired by the Disney regime. Rory and Terry had barely been on the job when Arte Moreno bought the club and as we all know, it isn’t uncommon for new ownership to come in and clean house.

But when the Angels won the Series, Rory and Terry were forever tied to that championship. Both remain with the club to this day. I’m not saying they definitely would’ve been let go when Disney sold the club, but from what I heard at the time, it was a possibility.

Another example was the ‘96 Yankees. I was working in the organization at the time as one of the club’s announcers for the AAA Columbus Clippers. There were rumblings around that time that John Sterling’s job status was less than rock-solid. But just as Sterling’s slippage was starting to be whispered about in broadcast circles, the Yankees won the ‘96 Series - and then began their championship run. And now Sterling is a Yankee for life.

John Sterling ice cream

(John Sterling, still a Yankees employee. Just be sure to not get behind him in the dessert line.)

I’m not saying any of the aforementioned deserved the pipe. I’m merely pointing out how the radio and TV broadcast biz really works. Besides a precious few, there’s no untouchables.

Today I’m starting a regular feature. Spotlighting the hottest sports ticket of the day.

For that, I’ve turned to the ultimate inside source, the largest ticker broker on the west coast, My Boy Barry: “The Dodgers disembark in D.C. to face off against the Nationals. With Manny Ramirez coming to town, maybe Nats fans will finally show up at their spiffy new ballpark for once. Also tonight, the Red Sox & Yankees renew their rivalry in the Bronx, much to ESPN’s relief. And Toronto hopes that Roy Halladay can sway the Jays to victor-ay over the Rays. Oy vey!

When I heard about Jenna Jameson’s “shock” over being pregnant, this is all I could think about (real media file).

Scarface Michelle Pfeiffer

Scarface fans know where I’m going with this. Listen to the end of the clip if you can’t figure it out.

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George W. Discovers The Wonders Of Volleyball

President George W. Bush has to be loving these Olympic Games, because for the first time since the 1996 games in Atlanta, he’s not running for President, so he can actually take the time to enjoy them. While Barack Obama and John McCain are busy hitting the campaign trail, Dubya has been spending some time in Beijing taking in the spectacle of the games.

Dubya Will Tap That Ass

And by spectacle of the games, I obviously mean Misty May-Treanor’s ass.

Yes, it appears that President Bush met up with Misty May and her partner Kerri Walsh before the duo began their quest for Olympic gold to give them a pep talk. Or to feel them up, however you want to look at it.

From BRIGHT BLACK INTERNET:

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Brog: Our ‘Deadspin Nation’ Does Stimulus Checks

Mark McGuire of the ALBANY TIMES-UNION has this line today about the curious celebrity of Anna Kournikova: “Kournikova’s career remains a prominent example of how sports, sex and celebrity congeal into the oleo that is entertainment in Deadspin Nation.

Will Leitch, Feerless Leader Of Deadspin Nation

(Forget cheese, in Deadspin Nation, it’s all about free government mustard)

I know, there’s nothing more scintillating than a rehash of Kournikova’s breast size pseudo celebrity (Mark, 2001 called, they want their XM radio back.)

More interesting is that’s the first time I’ve seen or heard a main media member use the phrase “Deadspin Nation.” Actually, that’s the first I’ve heard of it altogether (tho I’m sure Shanoff’s already got it copyrighted and trademarked).

So what does a Deadspin Nation entail? I’m not really sure, besides of course Mattoon adding “The Home Of Will Leitch!” to the city’s interstate welcome sign, Buzz Bissinger being fitted for a monitoring anklet, and Ron Zook manning central command of Operation Iraqi Freedom (”you’re doing a great job, Zookie Zooker!“).

Additionally, you can count on the Executive Branch of Deadspin Nation being quartered here.

Tom Hoffarth of the L.A. DAILY NEWS reports that ESPN Radio in L.A. (KSPN-AM) is already trying to buy out the contract of afternoon host Dave Dameshek. As some of you may know, I appeared often on the show Dameshek replaced eight months ago, which featured longtime SoCal sports radio mainstays Steve Mason and John Ireland. When Dameshek was brought on last year, KSPN let Ireland go and moved Mason to middays.

John Ireland and SbB Girls at ESPN Radio in Los Angeles

(SoCal sports guy John Ireland is back on KSPN-AM with Steve Mason)

Dameshek’s show, according to Hoffarth, lost half of Mason & Ireland’s audience in the Arbitron Ratings in mere months. So KSPN officials have brought Ireland back and reunited him with Mason on a midday show - and are in the process of attempting to part ways with Dameshek, who has $400,000 in ESPN commits left on the final two years of his deal.

World’s most irrelevant jobs:

1) Construction site security guard
2) TSA liquid carry-on enforcement official
3) Budget controller, California State Legislature
4) Baltimore Orioles beat reporter

Orioles Grounds Crew Member running

(Run, Forest, Run!)

You know the latter is bad when the highlight of your 2008 season reporting is a piece about a grounds crew member. Thanks Pete! Read more…

Bush Needs Four Tickets for Olympic Basketball

Reply to: usa4eva@whitehouse.gov
Date: 07-09-2008, 20:08 AM

Need Four - U.S.-China Basketball - Beijing Olympics

Leader of free world needs 4 for the U.S. - China basketball game in Beijing. I asked my boy Hu-y, President of China, for ‘em since he knows the place and all, but he said he’d have to see what he had left after his family and Manny Ramirez got some, so I’m askin’ anyway. Normally, I’d just need two, but Mom and Poppa want to come.

President Bush waves

Don’t worry ’bout my boys in black suits; they’ll take SRO tickets. Just need four. No obstructed views. Must sit close to missile defense system.
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And Now the Stories You Aren’t Supposed to Read

Newsmakers have a tradition of dumping news they don’t want you to know on the evening before a weekend. If they can line it up with a three-day holiday, even better. However, for your morning cup of red-white-and-blue coffee with a little “hangover cure” splashed in, we provide just what they would prefer we didn’t do: the stories you weren’t meant to read.

Sweeping it under the rug

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Canada Day!; Hacksaw Can’t Get Boise St. Gig?!

Our friend from the North, Canada, is celebrating birthday #141 today. In honor of that, watch this very cool, brand-new video celebrating the CFL.


I know, “very cool” and “CFL” don’t usually go together, but that vid is an exception. It’s part of an ad campaign llaunched today called “This is Our League.” Interesting slogan. Wonder if the NFL invasion into Toronto has something to do with it, eh?

The blog MIKE RESPONTS has the strange case of the longtime Boise State football and basketball announcer Paul Schneider getting blown out - and adds another chapter in the astonishing fall from broadcasting grace by Lee “Hacksaw” Hamilton.

Lee Hacksaw Hamilton

(Best wig EVAR)

Schneider was let go after his Boise radio station lost the rights to broadcast the games. His designated replacement at the new station rightsholder, a young Boise buck named Dave Koehn, left before broadcasting a single game for the Univ. of Virginia gig (Game 1 - UVA vs. USC!).

Then the story gets weird: Read more…

USA Taking Dangerous Military Tech to Beijing?

Our geopolitical funny bone has been tickled to find out the United States shooting team had to receive a special note from their father (aka President George W. Bush) to Congress to take their weapons to China due to the Foreign Relations Authorization Act. We don’t understand; we were led to believe that everyone in China owned guns and sunglasses.

Yun-Fat Chow in A Better Tomorrow

However, that part wasn’t our favorite bit in the letter from the President to Congress. Apparently, the gyroscopes used in NBC’s high-definition cameras are considered military technology and also had to receive special permission. We didn’t even know NBC had any military involvement since “The A-Team” was canceled in 1987.
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