Behold: Dubya-Emmitt Summit At Cowboys Game

I’m still trying to find a screen grab, but you’ve no doubt seen it live; NBC’s shot of George W. Bush and Emmitt Smith seated next to each other and chatting it up in the owner’s box just before the start of tonight’s playoff game in Dallas.

Bush, Emmitt Twitter

The Twitter Machine is racing at this hour as speculation runs rampant as to what these legendary wordsmiths might have been discussing. The answer is shrouded in mystery. But one thing is certain: while we’re currently only at halftime of the NFC Wildcard struggle, we already have a loser: The English language.  Read more…

Crowning The World’s Best At Having Fake Sex

Brooks can take this job and shove it. I don’t need to be a blogger anymore, because I’ve found my true calling in life. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the North American Air Sex Championships.

Air Sex

Picture air guitar, but with less strumming and more bumming. Less twanging and more banging. Less plucking, and you get the picture. And just like real sex, it has to be done in under two minutes. But that’s plenty of time to get ridiculously creative.

Video after the jump.

Read more…

No SB Parade For Steelers; Teacher Shoots Baller

• Win or lose, Pittsburgh will not be throwing a parade for the Steelers.

Fat Steelers girl

(Sorry, ladies - you’ll have to find another reason to stand on a street corner)

• A North Carolina teacher who kidnapped & shot a women’s college basketball player receives the ultimate punishment - suspension with pay.

• Hey, Barry Bonds - looks like urine real trouble now!

• Why not buy a PSL for a football team that doesn’t exist?

Read more…

Don’t Worry, Texas: Dubya Still Adored At Baylor

Okay, so let’s say you’re a Republican. Not a great past couple years. Now let’s say you were also the 43rd President of the United States. Yes, that narrows it down quite a bit, but we need specificity here. You’ve just completed a ludicrously unsuccessful presidency, and you’re looking to unwind a bit and get back to your healthy love of sports. The problem is that the vast majority of America is acutely aware of your ludicrously unsuccessful presidency and now harbors a visceral hatred for you, especially the young people who comprise college campuses. If only there were a town full of militant evangelicals (y’know, “the base”) and a local university full of the same, plus an NCAA affiliation… wait a second… honey, we’re goin’ to Waco! (*blasts pistols into the air like Yosemite Sam*)

Bush and Wife
(Wait a second, why is he holding the coach’s hand and not his wife’s? Why is the mainstream media ignoring this?!)

According to the DALLAS MORNING NEWS, President Bush and his wife, Laura, took in a Baylor women’s basketball game last night, and to nobody’s real surprise, the home crowd gave the former First couple a standing ovation. Well, of course they did. The Bushes arrived with Baylor head coach Kim Mulkey (pictured above, brazenly wrecking yet another marriage*) to great cheers. Further, just to remove all doubt that the crowd was purposefully cheering for the President and not the coach by association, the Bushes received another ovation during the first media timeout when arena cameras focused on the two.

Read more…

Shocker: George W. Bush Apparently Still In Office

President George W. Bush is pictured on the White House’s official website giving the “Shocker” sign with the Arizona State track team yesterday:

George W. Bush Gives Shocker Sign With Arizona State Track Team

(Funny sad find from Media Bistro)

Case you’re unaware of the meaning of the ‘Shocker’ hand gesture:

Meaning of Shocker Hand Gesture

Closeup after the jump. Read more…

Roy Williams Has Lost His Football Dropping Mind

I spent the early part of my Sunday afternoon watching the Chicago Bears destroy the Detroit Lions 34-7 at Ford Field yesterday.   Since I’m a Bears fan, I enjoyed every single minute of it, but at the same time, I felt a little guilty about it.   You see, the Lions are just really, really, really bad.  Would you be proud of your son after finding out he beat up that poor kid with Down Syndrome at school?  That’s kind of what this one started to feel like after a while.

During the game, it became pretty obvious that Lions receiver Roy Williams was not enjoying himself.   When he wasn’t dropping passes or barely making an attempt to catch balls thrown his way, Roy could be seen on the sidelines sulking.   It got to the point where I honestly wondered if he was going to commit suicide on the bench.   He didn’t kill himself, but I think he tried.   He had to have taken a lot of drugs to start talking the way he did after the game.

Read more…

College Team Finally Ends 49-Game Losing Streak

When the smoke finally cleared on last night’s 18-17 win over the Waterloo Warriors, the University of Toronto Varsity Blues and their 2,562 fans got to celebrate something they haven’t witnessed in the past six years: a football victory.

Toronto Varsity Blues game winning FG

It was a pretty good first impression for new coach Greg DeLaval - this was his first game as the “leader of Canadian men”. DeLaval took over for Steve Howlett who, as you’ll recall, was offered a raise after leading the team to an 0-40 start. Guess the school figured out that wasn’t such a great plan.

Read more…

Starbury Buys $45M Jet, Can’t Afford to Gas It Up

Knicks point guard Stephon Marbury has been something of a polarizing figure during his NBA career, but through it all he’s managed to be pretty good at his job when he wasn’t being accused of chronic apathy.

Stephon Marbury

And now, after accumulating more than $130 million in career earnings (not to mention the hundreds he may have squandered on manufacturing $8 shoes), he’s decided to drop a humongous chunk of change on a private jet airplane.

Read more…

Softballers Make Dubya Look Dumber Than Usual

It seems as though President George W. Bush can’t catch a break when going for a photo-op with a group of female athletes in Beijing. Beach volleyball gold medalist Misty May-Treanor offered him the chance to give her a good luck slap to the rear (which he declined, sort of). And things didn’t get any better when he visited the US Softball Team over the weekend, judging by this photo:

President Bush Gets Pranked

What is on his back is the “handiwork” of Laura Berg, the veteran prankster of the US team. As she related to THE ASSOCIATED PRESS, she managed to put a giant chalk handprint on his back without him knowing it. The look on the face of her teammate pretty much sums it up: “I can’t believe the President has been walking around this whole time with a chalk turkey on his back.”

Read more…

Packers Hire Ari Fleischer To Handle Favre Mess

Just because Brett Favre has officially been reinstated by Roger Goodell and will be reporting to Packers training camp this morning, that doesn’t mean this entire situation is going to become any less of a joke then it already has been. Don’t get me wrong, Favre has every right to change his mind about playing football, but the Packers have every right to tell him to buzz off.

Packers hire Ari Fleischer

The problem, of course, is trying to spin things to make it look like the Packers aren’t telling the beloved Brett to go screw himself. You can’t really blame team president Ted Thompson for having no idea how to handle this situation. So since Ted is way over his head, there really is only one logical step the Packers could take: hire former White House Press Secretary Ari Fleischer.

Read more…