Cream Cheese Causes Coach To Cancel Twittering

• Who would have though cream cheese on bagels would be the downfall of George Mason coach Jim Larranaga’s Twittering career?

Jim Larranaga George Mason cream cheese bagel

(”Go away! You’ve caused me enough trouble!”)

• Broncos fans boo Jay Culter on his return to Denver. And the way Kyle Orton has been playing, expect a lot more booing from Mile High this year.

• But there’s plenty of cheering at NBC, where Sunday’s Broncos-Bears matchup netted the highest ratings for a preseason game in five years.

• Holy subterranean living! Indiana Pacers forward Danny Granger is building himself a batcave down in New Mexico.

• A Louisville-area high school football coach is facing homicide charges after one of his players collapsed & died during practice.

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Larranaga Quits Twitter After Cream Cheese Flap

A couple weeks ago, we brought you the story of George Mason basketball coach Jim Larranaga tweeting a couple sarcastic remarks about the NCAA’s ridiculous - but true - restrictions on bagels given to players as snacks. Basically, the players may have bagels, but they can’t have cream cheese or butter on them. No, really.

Jim Larranaga
(Guys! Remember that the apple can’t be larger than your fist! Your eligibility’s at stake, you know!”)

We particularly enjoyed one of our commenters’ suggestions, which was to circumvent the rule by using soy- and nut-based products and spreads, since nuts also qualify as snacks under the NCAA’s arcane snack guidelines. But apparently Larranaga’s got a different idea, which is to abandon the fight altogether, which is one of the main reasons why he’s shuttering his Twitter account.

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So Now The NCAA Has A Cream Cheese Violation?

There are, at its latest count, 439 pages of NCAA Division I compliance regulations. And sure, with so many coaches looking to circumvent creatively comply with those rules, it makes sense that the expansion is inevitable; every time a coach gets an insane idea to entice a recruit to campus, a rule’s got to be put into place to shut that door. And those doors stretch as far as the imagination.

Everything bagel
(WARNING TO COLLEGE ATHLETES: Even looking at this picture will make you ineligible. Our sincerest apologies, especially for putting the warning after the picture. Whoops.)

At the same time, though, it’s awfully hard to make the case that every single one of those rules is necessary; after all, while nobody wants to see large sums of money funneled to players’ families or anything, there are some regulations that just boggle the imagination.

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Week In Review: NFL Boaters Missing, 1 Survives

• The sad stories surrounding the ill-fated Florida Gulf Coast boat trip of Corey Smith, Marquis Cooper, Nick Schuyler and Will Bleakley.

Corey Smith Marquis Cooper Nick Schuyler Will Bleakley

• Bouncy British babe Chantelle Houghton just can’t trust soccer stud Jermain Defoe & his amorous past.

• Speaking of sports across the Pond, many Englishmen prefer their women to wear their favorite team’s jersey to bed rather than nothing at all.

• Speaking of jerseys, crooks now using uniform numbers as criminal code.

Digger Phelps cuts a rug with a couple of Cal cheerleaders.

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Cassel Thanks Co-Chief; Gisele’s Wedding Dress

• New KC Chief Matt Cassel would like to thank new teammate Bernard Pollard for giving him his big break by breaking Tom Brady.

Matt Cassel Gisele wedding dress

• Speaking of the Pats’ QB, a new exclusive but blurry photo has emerged of the new Mrs. Brady in her wedding dress.

• A book from a minor leaguer-turned-medical man is lies, all lies!

• Man U’s soccer goalie credits his game-winning saves to an iPod.

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GMU Patriot Offers Dental Work While You Sleep!

Three months ago George Mason’s John Vaughan collapsed on the court with a concussion,

George Mason John Vaughan Crushes Spectator

Last Saturday night against Towson, he turned the tables on a fan. Video after the jump. Read more…

Speed Read: Multicolored Sox Prevent Prohibition

If you’re looking for beer, its quantities are not limited but its availability is going away fast. The Milwaukee Brewers are out of the playoffs, eliminating all teams with alcoholic-related mascots from the playoffs. Chicago Cubs fans’ privileges to drink after the 7th inning of games is gone because, well, there are no more 7th innings on the North Side. But there’s hope.

Prohibition Headline - Brewers Out

The White Sox are still enjoying that liquor ban reprieve of their own by besting the Rays, 6-4. (There was a planned blackout at U.S. Cellular Field, which is safer than your typical drunkard’s unplanned blackout.) The Red Sox, meanwhile, supported leaving people loaded by doing just that with the bases in the crucial 10th inning, before the Angels’ Francisco Rodriguez saved the day (and his own butt) by pitching out of a jam. And even though the Halos extended the series to a Game Four with a 5-4 win, that just means more spirits per inning for the Bay State.

So all is well. No need for mafias, moonshine stills or speakeasies. Unless, y’know, you’re into that.

Keith Bulluck flips 5-0 signals

(Yay, Tennessee Titans! You guys are … 0-5? Oh, wait, Keith Bulluck. You got that backwards.)

Keith Bulluck corrected 5-0 sign

(There. Proving once again there’s nothing Flip Horizontal can’t fix.)

Time for a monstrously-gargantuan obscure parallel, if I may. The two remaining unbeaten teams in the NFL are also monsters which appear in Exodus: Ultima after you reach Level 3: the Giants and the Titans. (Maybe if Buffalo was called the Golems instead of the Bills, they wouldn’t have gotten Cardinalized.)

Home to both the Titans and the Commodores of Vanderbilt, the city of Nashville could feature more unlikely 5-0 football teams than anywhere. Ever. But enough about surprising unbeatens. How about some unsurprising beatens?

Dejected Lions fan

(Wearing this was the only way they let Joey Harrington back in Ford Field.)

Quietly having an MVP season at quarterback in the NFL is the amalgamation of every quarterback who faces the Detroit Lions. On most days, years, and alternate universes Matt Ryan, Aaron Rodgers, J.T. O’Sullivan, and Kyle Orton are not the kind of signal callers who will set the league on fire. The four QBs have a combined rating of 121.51 — 10 points higher than Favre’s league-leading 110.8. The Rams might also have similarly pathetic numbers, but three of their oppositions’ throwers? Eli. McNabb. And Hasselbeck. It’s not a good sign when the Rams can look to the Lions and find reasons to feel good about themselves.

What makes us feel good about ourselves, strangely, is seeing what other people are doing by peckin’ away at their keyboards and hitting publish:

George Mason - Ace Ventura

  • Good thing they didn’t need Ace Ventura on the case, namely because we don’t need more sequels: BLEACHER REPORT gets to the bottom of stolen George Mason Final Four rings on eBay. Here’s a hint to aspiring burglars: don’t steal rings with someone’s name on it, then publicize it. From “pawned” to “pwn3d.”
  • For the sympathetic co-worker of a fervent Cubs fan, EPIC CARNIVAL has ten phrases you should avoid around them.
  • UNC Tar Heels fans at THE FIFTH CORNER take umbrage with ESPN.com’s Heather Dinich’s explanation on why the 22nd-ranked Heels aren’t rankworthy.
  • Almost perfect timing, TIMES OF TRENTON’s Mark Eckel notes in Philly celebrating the Phils and jeering the Eagles.
  • Michael Phelps — remember him? — comes home to Baltimore and is greeted by a parade of thousands, and WBOC-TV is there. Which just begs the question: it took Phelps this long to go back home to Baltimore?
  • Let the Oklahoma-Texas hype begin … now. The NORMAN TRANSCRIPT examines the Sooners-Longhorns matchup in the Red River Not-Shootout-But-Instead-Rivalry-Because-Guns-Are-Bad.
  • CC you next year? Sabathia tells the WISCONSIN STATE JOURNAL he could possibly return to Milwaukee in ‘09.
  • NEW YORK TIMES baseball blogger Ray Schreiber says maybe it’s time for the Cubs franchise to embrace Steve Bartman. Spoken like a true non-Cubs fan.
  • After a crazy day at Talladega Speedway, VIRGINIAN-PILOT’s auto racing writer Dustin Long goes into why Regan Smith thought he beat Tony Stewart, and why NASCAR said Stewart won even though he finished second.
  • And finally, whatever you do, gentle readers, whatever your homerist tendencies, wherever you may roam, please do not root for a Red Sox-Dodgers World Series. The unimaginable storyline of Manny Ramirez is just too much to bear. It would make “Jerome Bettis is from Detroit” look like “Can the Spurs defend their title?” Just … just root away from that, by all means necessary. And good morning!

After this weekend, who needs a drink in the worst way?

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Blog Jam: Carroll Calls Kiffin Firing “Dark Moment”

• The ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER hears some sharp words from Pete Carroll over the Raiders firing his former assistant Lane Kiffin: “I couldn’t really be more disappointed for the game of football. I thought today was really a dark moment. To go to that level … hurts football, the NFL and coaching. It wasn’t necessary at all.”

Pete Carroll Lane Kiffin USC

Gee, you’d think Pete was coming off of an upsetting upset to an unranked underdog or something.

• SPORTS CRACKLE POP wants you to help out under-funded schools badly in need of athletic support. If you do, they’ll let you write on their blog!

• DC SPORTS BOG runs up news of the latest trend in marathon bathroom breaks - VIP port-a-potties! (And check out the name of the port-a-potty provider.)

• BUSTED COVERAGE chows down on how Erin Andrews loves to start her mornings when in Tampa: “I always go to Village Inn for breakfast with my dad Steve. I crush the French toast, scrambled eggs and bacon. I’m totally excited for that.”

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More March Madness Tickets Punched On Monday

ESPN Championship Week is in full swing, as all those mid-major teams are getting their annual two hours of attention from the Worldwide Leader.

George Mason William & Mary San Diego Gonzaga

On Monday night, four more tickets were punched for the Big Dance:

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