Speed Read: Washing Our Hands of the Swine Flu

The discerning reader prefers the news (and most foods) wrapped in bacon and liberally salted with panic. Therefore, we provide your Thursday morning sports-centric swine flu stories to better arm you at the water cooler to pass along the latest gossip mumbled through your faux designer mask:

Swine flu (or pigs fly)

Whew. That’s a lot of abject terror sensible precaution for one morning. Please add any additional sports-related swine flu stories to the comments below so the few remaining survivors have a record of these final days.

Thankfully, our few remaining moments left as a functional species can be well-represented by the following people tellin’ it like it is and keepin’ it real with the kids, assuming your kids take Don Rickles’ routine at face value:

Geno Auriemma

Fire truck at Comerica Park

(Emergency vehicle sized appropriately to emergency)

Finally, a false alarm (possibly a fire alarm) in the eighth inning could not shake the New York Yankees from barely holding onto a 8-6 lead at Comerica Park over the Detroit Tigers last night despite holding a 7-1 advantage late in the contest. As Joe Girardi put it, “In this day and age, that’s a little scary.”

Heck, Joe … in this day and age, what isn’t?

And now a hail of bullet points caused by two heroin-slingin’ senior citizen sisters (though you can’t fault them for looking for a new retirement plan these days) …

What’s your favorite pandemic?

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Geno Auriemma Calls ‘Bull’ On Imaginary Racism

Is it time to talk about race in college athletics? No, not really. What purpose would it serve? What territory are we supposed to be driving towards by noticing that there’s only one white guy playing meaningful minutes in this Final Four game between Michigan State and UConn, and he’s not even from America? That’s a fact. So what?

Geno Auriemma
(Destroying racial strawmen. Or strawpeople. Oh Jesus now we’re sexist.)

The simple truth is that discussing race makes people sufficiently uncomfortable that unless you’ve got something truly ground-breaking and worth saying, just leave it alone. It’s not going to change anything, it’s not going to be explored fully by the sensationalist media, and it’s just going to spark some truly stupid commentary from peanut galleries who have their own stupid pre-existing racial agendas. So let’s just keep our mouths shut until–oh damn it, for some reason, Geno Auriemma has something to say (via THE QUAD):

“White kids are always looked upon as being soft. So Stanford’s got a tremendous amount of really good players who for whatever reason, because they don’t look like Tina Charles or Maya Moore, the perception out there is going to be, well, they must be soft.”

“Well, I think that’s a bunch of bull.”

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NCAA Baller’s Brother Crashes Court Mid-Game

I think we’ve all been there before. You’re watching a family member play basketball and you sometimes get a little too emotional when a call doesn’t go your way. Of course, most of you out there probably don’t casually walk out on the court to discuss the situation with the officials. That’s not how Jonathan Xavier rolls.

Providence player brother Jonathan Xavier

Jonathan’s brother, Jeff, plays for Providence and got whacked upside the head by a Marquette player, though it looks as if the contact was entirely accidental. Jeff was woofing at the Marquette bench while holding an ice pack on his face, so Jonathan decided it would be a good time to see what exactly the refs were thinking when they didn’t give his bro the call.

And this wasn’t even the only odd on-court incident on Saturday. Video after the jump.

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Stanford Ruins Women’s Tourney For Us Yet Again

As Brooks enjoys the sights & sounds of San Antonio (Hubert Davis! Wimp Sanderson!), the sisters were doin’ it for themselves down in Tampa Bay on Sunday, as the women’s NCAA basketball championship is now set.

Tennessee LSU Stanford UConn Womens Final Four

Tennessee escaped against LSU with a last-second shot, while Stanford stymied Connecticut to advance to the title game. And once again, the Cardinal have corrupted the potentially higher entertainment value of the ladies’ tourney.

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