Can We Not Go One Week Without An Eye Gouge?

In case you had the TV off last Saturday (or had switched from ESPN to CBS to watch Fedor Emelianenko rock Brett Rogers‘ face off), Clemson took down FSU in a 40-24 slugfest that was much closer than the score indicated.

FSU Clemson Eye Gouge
(It’s like he’s trying to open the helmet like a Christmas present.)

It was also more violent than the score indicated - which seems to be more of a shortcoming of today’s scorekeeping than anything, but we digress - and as the picture would show, someone got a little eye-gougey. It’s Clemson’s Andre Branch, getting a fistful of FSU’s David Spurlock’s face. Video, of course, is after the break.

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Terry Bowden To Rebowdenize D-I NCAA Football?

If you hadn’t been paying close attention - and we don’t blame you if you hadn’t - Terry Bowden ain’t dead yet, #*%$#@!! Terry was the first member of the vaunted Bobby Bowden family tree to be unceremoniously dismissed from D-I in 1998; brother Jeff left his post as FSU OC during the 2006 season, Tommy Bowden was fired from Clemson halfway through last year, and Bobby will probably be murdered if he tries to come back after this season, so you’d think the sun was setting on the Bowden legacy.

Terry Bowden in Purple

Not so, bitches, not so. Terry Bowden resurfaced this year at Northern Alabama, a Division II school, to about the amount of fanfare you’d expect: a couple wowreallywhatevers and about a week of headlines. Then it’s off to pay more attention to I-A, because come on. Bowden’s on a slower track to success, winning a modest amount of games and oh who are we kidding, he’s tearing D-II up and he’s probably going to be the last Bowden in I-A.

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CFB Recap: Seminoles Pummel Cougars In Provo

And now a quick recap of your late college football contests:

Florida State BYU

Hope you enjoyed your stay in the Top 10, BYU. Just as Oregon had earlier busted Utah’s chances of a BCS-busting season, the Cougars saw their dreams of a big BCS payday go up in smoke in a 54-28 massacre at the hands of the Florida State Seminoles. Hard to believe this was the same FSU team that was losing 9-7 to 1-AA Jacksonville State with only two minutes to go last week.

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Speed Read: Is Tom Cable About To Get Hacked?

Just when you thought things couldn’t get any weirder in Raiderland, the Internets are buzzing over a report published on NATIONAL FOOTBALL POST yesterday that cites anonymous sources detailing exactly what Tom Cable did to assistant Randy Hanson. If you aren’t familiar with what’s going on, we told you that Cable is alleged to have punched Hanson in the jaw during a meeting on August 5th. And if the latest report is anywhere close to being true, Cable won’t need to worry about his quarterback controversy, or anything else Raider related, anymore.

Tom Cable, Randy Hanson

First, here’s the nitty gritty:

According to the source, Cable knocked Hanson out of his chair and up against the wall and into a cabinet. Cable and Hanson fell to the floor, where Hanson was choked, the source said, and Cable was pulled off Hanson by the other men before Cable went after Hanson again.

“Cable said, ‘I am going to kill you, I am going to kill you,’ as he was choking him,’’ according to the source, who also said furniture in the room was damaged.

Hanson’s jaw is reportedly broken, and he also reportedly had to undergo further treatment in the emergency room on Wednesday night, a full two weeks after the August 5th incident. Cable could be facing a felony assault charge if everything is as it seems. If charges are filed, one has to think that Roger Goodell would invoke the “personal conduct” policy and at least force Cable to take a leave of absence, if not ban him altogether.

Roger Goodell

(”Why couldn’t you just ‘make it rain’ instead, Tom?”)

If it’s proven that Tom Cable choked Randy Hanson and broke his jaw, should he lose his job?

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Things are complicated, however, by the fact that Hanson doesn’t seem like the most stable guy on the face of the Earth. In fact, he only decided to cooperate with police and NFL investigations when he was told by Davis that he wouldn’t be able to return to his assistant position. He had hoped that the matter would be addressed internally, and that he’d be given his job back. The alleged assault came when Cable told Hanson that he was being demoted from his job as defensive backs coach and would instead by breaking down film and wouldn’t be allowed on the field.

If Hanson’s name sounds familiar, it’s because it is. Just weeks into last season, Lane Kiffin’s tenure with Oakland started to become unraveled when he suspended Hanson for “personal issues.” Hanson claimed that he was subsequently ostracized by Kiffin and wasn’t being allowed to perform any coaching duties. This angered Al Davis, who used Kiffin’s suspension of Hanson without his knowledge as an example of “insubordination.”

Lane Kiffin wipes face

Now, Hanson is experiencing déjà vu. From the NFP story:

Cable had been working to reduce Hanson’s role for months, the source said. Cable said that Hanson had been confusing the Raiders’ defensive backs, and Cable held a closed-door meeting with the cornerbacks and safeties and just himself. That led to a meeting between Cable and Hanson in Hanson’s room, and later a meeting with coaches after Cable had instructed Hanson not to come to practice.

Anything can happen once, but Hanson has been basically told to take a hike by two coaches now, which means that there’s probably something wrong with him. But is it worthy of getting his jaw broken? If Cable is charged, he’ll have to decide if his defense will be “I didn’t do it” or “he got what he deserved.” For what it’s worth, it looks like Cable was coming to the defense of his defensive coordinator, John Marshall, who NFP said was being verbally abused by Hanson.

Also complicating matters is the fact that the particulars of NFP’s story aren’t being corroborated independently by anyone at this point. Every other story I can find about the situation references the NFP story as its main source. The writer of the story, Brad Biggs, just joined NFP earlier this month, though he has written about the Bears for the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES for several years. I don’t think there’s any reason to doubt any of Biggs’ assertions, but it is a bit curious that none of the major newspapers in the Bay Area have confirmed any of these new details with their own reporting. Or maybe they just think Hanson’s crazy and not worthy of further publicity.

Randy Hanson

(It’s not a good sign when this is the only photo of you on the entire Internet.) 

The last time the United States hosted the World Cup, in 1994, O.J. Simpson stole its thunder and most of America ignored the whole thing. But now, with momentum for the sport building in the states, the U.S. is bidding to host either the 2018 or 2022 event (2022 seems more likely), and as part of the bid must come up with 12-18 stadiums to be used.

Yesterday, the list was trimmed down from 45 venues to 32, and contains, as you might expect, many of the largest and most modern NFL stadiums, as well as a smattering of others. Among those still on the list are the Rose Bowl, which hosted the ‘94 final, as well as the new stadiums in Arlington, East Rutherford, and Indianapolis. A few college-only stadiums are under consideration as well, including Michigan Stadium, Stanford Stadium, and Husky Stadium in Seattle.

Michigan Stadium

(Is there enough room for a full-size soccer field here between the brick walls?)

The dregs of the list include Detroit’s Ford Field (which shouldn’t really host any sort of championship football), domed stadiums like the Edward Jones Dome and the Georgia Dome, and the Oakland Mausoleum, which probably (hopefully) won’t exist in 2022.

Among those cities taken off the list were Salt Lake City, Las Vegas (sports bettors still can’t get used to a game where an over/under might actually be set at “0″), and the soccer-crazed town of Fayetteville, Arkansas (could you see Ghana and Portugal going to play a game in Fayetteville?). Unfortunately, Arkansas’ exclusion will further complicate Alan Partridge’s “soccermeter” should he give it another go in 2022:

• If “disgruntled” was a stat, there’s no doubt that Gary Sheffield would lead all of baseball in that category over the last 20 years. But he seems to have a point this time. The NY DAILY NEWS says Sheffield is confused that the Mets withdrew his name from waivers after another team made a claim, but also told him that he’s not in their plans for next season. It’s somewhat bizarre, considering the Mets are paying him $400,000 this year, that they wouldn’t just let him go. Especially if they could trade him for some sort of mid-to-low level prospect to a contender. Sheff’s Chefs are particularly unamused.

Sheff's Chefs

• If you’ve ever wanted to have a guy in a mascot suit take you for a piggy back ride, you’ll think twice after watching this. There are few things more hilarious than a good, solid, mascot accident:

• The NCAA is furious that a judge has ruled that documents relating to an investigation into academic fraud at Florida State are public record and FSU should have unfettered access to them, according to the ORLANDO SENTINEL.

• The Cubs are, finally, about to get Ricketts.

• An eight-year-old British kid named Tiger Brewer became the youngest person ever to stand on top of a plane while it’s flying around. This is apparently called “wing walking.” His parents are named Colin and Zoe if you’re wondering who’s trying to come up with a creative way to off their own kid.

• Ex-Major Leaguer Scott Spiezio is trying to work his way back from issues with drugs and alcohol, and is doing so in the Golden Baseball League. The LA TIMES caught up with him as he tries to repair his reputation.

Chad Ochocinco is about to change his middle name to “Gramatica,” after kicking a perfect extra point and booming a kickoff inside the 10:

• Earlier in the game, Randy Cross produced some fine artwork with the telestrator. KISSING SUZY KOLBER has the screenshot.

• The NEW YORK TIMES says baseball is likely to toy with the idea of an NBA-style system in which draft picks have pre-determined salaries based on where they are picked in the next Collective Bargaining Agreement. This, of course, is at odds with baseball’s general open-market attitude, but might be easier to negotiate than a salary cap.

• Vote early and often: FANTASY BASEBALL DUGOUT’s “Hottest Baseball Wife” poll is underway, and 2009’s winner will be crowned on August 31st. Mark DeRosa’s wife, Heidi, is the defending champ and seems to be running away with it this year as well. Some of the pics on the site aren’t exactly flattering (Jordan Schneider looks like she’s in the Zapruder film), so here’s a better photo of the scrappy underdog, Ashley Eckstein:

Ashley Eckstein

Manny Being Booed By Bonds-Loving Giants Fans

• Suspected steroid abuser Manny Ramirez gets a rude reception from San Francisco Giants fans - the same Giants fans who were so passionate in supporting suspected steroid abuser Barry Bonds.

Manny Ramirez Giants fan sign

• 49ers coach Mike Singletary makes a mountain out of a molehill, forcing QB Alex Smith to watch the rest of practice from high above.

Bobby Bowden would like to share his prostate problems with you.

• EA sports donates advanced copies of Madden 10 to a U.S. submarine crew who are shipping out before the game’s official release date.

• Would it really kill the NHL to let Jim Balsillie move the Phoenix Coyotes to Hamilton, Ontario?

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Bobby Bowden Makes His Prostate Your Business

In case you haven’t watched a single sporting event on television in the last 10 years, you might not know this, but urinary health is a big issue among men over 50 and ad executives. Apparently, you probably don’t have a going problem, but a growing problem. You… well, I’ll just let you watch the commercials, don’t want to spoil the surprise.

Bobby Bowden prostate
(”And so I get an MRI, and I kid you not, dadgummit, my prostate’s the size of a cantaloupe, just bulbous, just… you’re not grossed out by this, are you son?”)

Ah, but if you haven’t watched a sporting event on television, odds are pretty good that you’re also a college football coach, that small sect of America who work 90-hour weeks and just don’t have time for the distraction of ESPN. Oh, but if you’re very old - like Bobby Bowden -  we have a perfect storm of prostate disaster. Here, we’ll let Bowden explain.

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Hassan Jones Is A Lunatic, But What A Nice Club

One can’t categorize this as another case of golf rage, because it appears that former NFL wide receiver Hassan Jones would have seized anything handy to use it as a weapon in this sad and unfortunate episode. Jones was arrested Monday on charges of aggravated assault and felony battery, which included waving a golf club at his wife and daughter.

Hassan Jones

As you might recall, the 6-foot 2, 235-pound Jones had played for the Florida State Seminoles & Minnesota Vikings. And one has to give props to the ST. PETERSBURG TIMES for diving headlong into the reporting on this one; it even named the type of club that he used during his berserk attack: Read more…

Speed Read: Braves Get Their Man (& Ditch One)

Credit the Atlanta Braves for knowing how to manage a news cycle. They flipped three prospects to the Pittsburgh Pirates for Nate McLouth to answer the need for outfield help (which they failed to answer correctly the first time by not signing Adam Dunn in the offseason), and called up Tommy Hanson (pitching phenom) and sent down Jordan Schafer (outfielder phenom) and look at all the exciting news!

Nate McLouth

(Nate McLouth: interstate man of mystery no longer)

And, oh by the way, they cut local hero Tom Glavine so they wouldn’t have to pay him up to $3.5 million to throw weaker than Jamie Moyer in a headwind when they don’t really need a farewell tour but more of a starting pitcher. But look! Nate McLouth! All-Star!

Braves GM Frank Wren swears it’s not about the money - which always means it’s about the money. McLouth is actually fairly inexpensive through 2011 with a club option for 2012 if he’s worth $10 million, but the team is replacing three minor league salaries with a major league one (roughly speaking).

Glavine will look for another job and has a decent chance of finding one if the price is right for a desperate franchise. However, no franchise has shown enough desperation to hook up with Sammy Sosa since Baltimore began its bizarre fascination with Chicago Cubs outfielders in 2005 and Texas took Sammy out around the block in 2007.

Sammy Sosa getting hit in head

Therefore, he’s announcing his retirement officially this week… sometime. As always, Sammy has to get an extra swing or two in before finally connecting, so his actual retirement will be later this week. Possibly.

Some will celebrate their last chance to moralize about him before his Hall of Fame eligibility kicks in. Others will tell Sammy to put a cork in it because they’re sick of him. The best recommendation? Smash a boom box with a baseball bat. It’s like an aural piñata!

Finally, the U.S. Men’s National Soccer Team squirted the bed in a simply filthy manner last night in San José, Costa Rica. The U.S. squad gave up two goals in the first 15 minutes of a World Cup qualifier to Costa Rica at the notoriously difficult Saprissa Stadium (banned: alcohol, batteries, and coins) on their way to a 3-1 thumping that wasn’t remotely that close.

Costa Rican Superman

(A Costa Rican Superman? Well, that explains a lot)

The bastard out there at ESPN that thought it would help ratings if they jammed Jon & Kate Plus 8 in front of U.S. keeper Tim Howard instead delivered a showing that led the Galavision announcers to chastise the Costa Ricans for not stomping on the throats of the Americans even more and to compare one goal in particular to stealing candy from a baby.

Jon & Kate Plus 8 Plus Tim Howard

(Actual photo of attempted defensive wall)

Because of two silly yellow cards received by two U.S. players, the American team will be short two people when they play against Honduras at Soldier Field in Chicago Saturday, in what promises to feel like an away game with maybe 25% of the 60,000 fans cheering for Uncle Sam’s boys. If the U.S. doesn’t earn three points with a win, there’s a very real chance they could miss next year’s World Cup in South Africa.

If U.S. coach Bob Bradley is still looking for a left back that has never played there before in a crucial situation, why not call on Tom Glavine? He’s available; he’s a winner; he’s looking for a job. At worst, he can help heave batteries back into the crowd at a gentle 83 mph.

And now a hail of sapphire bullet points of pure love for the Queen of the Blues on her passing

  • One old baseball man who tabled his moment in the sun: Randy Johnson. His first attempt at 300 wins in D.C. last night got washed out by Mother Nature (whom Randy went to elementary school with) and will be played today at 4 pm ET with Mr. Unit on the mound.
  • Carlos Zambrano continues to show disrespect to inanimate objects by blowing off the team jet to Atlanta (and not for the first time). Needless to say, this story doesn’t have legs if the Cubs aren’t splashing around .500 still.
  • Also filed under “not living up to expectations and therefore open to criticism”, please note the Serena Williams entry created when she lost in the quarterfinals. She showed up to the French Open out of shape mentally and physically, choosing to wear outfits that accentuated the latter and threw snit fits that proved the former. The only person this “athlete/actress” is cheating is herself.

Serena Williams at the 2009 French Open

Jose Lima Wife

How did the Braves’ efforts yesterday affect the NL East race?

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Florida State Bucks Ohio State With 37-6 Bashing

The regional round of the NCAA baseball tournament isn’t normally an event that would warrant two posts in a day from a general-interest sports blog like SPORTSbyBROOKS. But then again, most regional weekends don’t feature the longest baseball game in NCAA history. Anyone that assumed that was the pinnacle of the weekend’s baseball hyperbole, though, was sorely mistaken.

Florida State Baseball

Only two days after losing 24-8 to the Georgia Bulldogs, the Ohio State Buckeyes were thumped 37-6 by Florida State in a battle of two schools consistently embarrassed by the Florida Gators in football. That’s not the worst loss in NCAA history, but it’s pretty shocking in a tournament game between two major universities and a scene reminiscent of classic cartoon “Baseball Bugs“. How could Ohio State have gotten so destroyed? Chances are, it was only partially about the players on the field.

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Adriana Lima Blessed With Child, Thanks to Marko

• Not only did Memphis Grizzly Marko Jaric get to marry Victoria’s Secret supermodel Adriana Lima, he also got to impregnate her.

Adriana Lima married

(Now that’s what you call one hot mama!)

• Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson & Eagles WR Hank Baskett spend their Memorial Day weekend foolin’ around in the pool with Holly Madison.

Jocelyne & Monique Lamoureux, a pair of hockey-skating sisters, are bringing their game & good looks back to North Dakota.

• The Orlando Magic aren’t sticking to the script of a LeBron-Kobe finals.

• A recently arrested Florida steroids dealer claims that some Washington Capitals & Washington Nationals are among his customers.

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