Speed Read: Running Up The Score On Venezuela

WOOOO! YEAH! AMERICA ROCKS! OUR FOREIGN POLICY HAS JUST BEEN VINDICATED BECAUSE WE KICKED SOME ASS ON THE DIAMOND! YEAH! The score was USA 15, Venezuela 6 in first-round World Baseball Classic action last night, and with a 2-0 record in pool play, the Americans are assured of advancing to the next round. Your heroes are Chris Ianetta (3-run double in 6th inning) and Mark DeRosa (4 RBI). Wait, those guys are actually on America’s roster? Seriously?

Mark DeRosa slide
(DeRosa, proving that refs totally listen to you when you say you’re safe.)

As to whether we can glean too much joy from beating the tar out of a team from a country with a GDP that’s roughly the same as the state of Iowa? (By the way, you’ve got to click that link; I don’t know if Alabama’s or Texas’ corollary is funnier or more offensive to their residents.) Sure. For as meh a country as Venezuela is on the global stage, their lineup was filled with starting-caliber talent. The meat of the Venezuela order, consisting of Bobby Abreu, Miguel Cabrera, Magglio Ordonez, and Carlos Guillen, is downright All-Star quality. If only their pitching wasn’t garbage.

In college basketball, we now know five teams that’ll be losing in the first round of the tournament, plus North Carolina smacked Duke down for the ACC regular season title, 79-71. The men of the match were Tyler Hansborough, giving the Dean Dome 17 points in his last home game, and Ty Lawson, who was doubtful to play (oh, please) with a sprained toe but poured in 13, 9, and 8 in the win.

UNC Duke Scheyer Face
(Scheyer Face alert! Code red! This is not a drill!)

UNC’s now 6 for their last 7 against the Blue Devils, who were beaten for the second seed in the ACC tourney by Wake Forest. Suddenly, even a 2 seed in the NCAAs doesn’t seem so assured for Coach K’s charges. FIRE THE BUM!

As for hockey (or as they call it in Europe, “football”), we do need to commend Washington Capitals fans with a spirited, to say the least, attack on Sidney Crosby’s worth as a hockey player and as a man. The singular fatal flaw in their plan, however, was the fact that Crosby’s still one of the five best players in the NHL. As it turns out, Crosby made Washington pay dearly: one goal, one assist, and the clinching goal in the shootout to give Pittsburgh the 4-3 victory. But hey… nice work on the signs, fans.

Sidney Crosby Crybaby
(And you can’t spell “Penguin” without “P-U-N!” Wakka wakka wakka!)

As for Alex Ovechkin, the Caps’ superstar, he had a magnificent performance of his own. No, it won’t show up in the stat sheet… but it will show up on TV and YouTube, because it’s incredible. Courtesy of the DC SPORTS BOG:

Some links to consider while you recover from being run over by a bull

  • Did you ever watch that “Real Housewives of Atlanta” show? No? Us neither. But apparently the one who’s the ex-wife former Atlanta Falcon Bob Whitfield’s being sued by Whitfield for about $87,000. Honest mistake on her part, we’re sure.
  • The Toronto Maple Leafs GM, on whether the NHL will ban fighting: “I will personally challenge anyone who wants to get to rid of fighting to a fight.” Um, that’s a joke, right?
  • Fat Ronaldo’s back from that horrific injury, and his first goal is a game-winner in injury time. Naturally, it comes replete with fans going completely ballistic and fences being torn down. Because hey, it’s soccer, and that’s just, y’know, what you do.

Will Duke ever be better than UNC while Coach K and Roy Williams are around?

View Results

Blog-O-Rama: South Park Picks On Bill Belichick

• YOU BEEN BLINDED tunes in to see the gang at “South Park” taking a run at Bill Belichick.

South Park Bill Belichick

• THREE STRIKES AND OUT wants to invoke the Patriot Act, as an American basketball player will suit up for the Russian women’s Olympic team.

• EVERY DAY SHOULD BE SATURDAY has found the perfect halftime entertainment for next year’s gridiron games in Tuscaloosa.

Read more…

Blog-Jam: Twins’ World Series Won With Steroids?

• BUGS & CRANKS learns that Bill James believes the Minnesota Twins’ World Series titles may have been helped by steroids.

Bill James Kirby Puckett

• HOME RUN DERBY warns baseball fans not to get caught by the cameras in the all-you-can-eat section.

Jay Posner of the SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE catches up with Jeanne Zelasko, as the Fox Sports baseball anchor gets ready for another season after dealing with thyroid cancer.

Read more…

Chad Johnson Sounds A Lot Like Alonzo Spellman

In case you missed the bizarro interview with Chad Johnson on ESPN SportsCenter last night, here you go:

During his phoner with anchor Brian Kenny, Johnson puts on his usual contrarion, crybaby act. His interviews are always the same, they never change - except for the end of this one. Read more…

Blog-O-Rama: Hot Baseball Wives And Girlfriends

• THE BIG LEAD knows which players hit one out of the park, as they list their lineup of the hottest baseball wives & girlfriends:

Danielle Gamba Dating Nick Swisher

• Well, that didn’t take long: ARMCHAIR GM finds Terrell Owens dissing his own quarterback again.

• DIE HARD STEEL reports Bill Cowher won’t be coaching again - at least while his daughter’s in high school.

• BUGS AND CRANKS hopes to tempt Roger Clemens’ palate with a little Yankee Squirrel Roast:

Roger Clemens Rocky Squirrel

• THROWING SMOKE makes a run for the border, as the son of New York Islanders coach Ted Nolan was refused entry back into Canada.

• THE FIRE PIT feels as cool as the other side of the pillow in declaring their love for SportsCenter catchphrases.