It’s been such a joy to watch Emmitt Smith on ESPN’s NFL programs. Of course, it really isn’t for his brilliant analysis, but the brilliantly baffling way he can mangle the English language. A latter-day Yogi Berra, if you will.

(And he’s quite a dancer, too)

Sadly, we won’t have Emmitt to wow us on the Worldwide Leader anymore, as both parties have apparently parted ways.

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After last week’s less-than-epic Houston vs. Jacksonville Monday Night Football tilt, just about anything would have been an improvement (short of a “dream pairing” of Dennis Miller and Tony Kornheiser). But last night was a great way to cap any week: two 9-3 teams in Tampa Bay and Carolina battling for first place in the NFC South.

And honestly, if you would have told me that Jeff Garcia was going to throw for more than 300 yards, I would have given the Bucs a pretty fair shot at winning the game. But the trump card turned out to be the Panthers’ RB duo of Smash & Dash, i.e. DeAngelo Williams and Jonathan Stewart, who helped the Panthers combine for almost 300 yards of rushing and a crucial 38-23 victory.

The person on Tampa Bay I feel sorry for is Antonio Bryant, who had a huge game in defeat, as in 200 yards of receiving. (How many fantasy football owners are cursing themselves this morning because they left him on their bench this week.) This included one of the most amazing touchdown catches you’ll see all year:

Speaking of amazing…USA TODAY has a breakdown of the final ballots for the college football Coaches’ Poll, and some of the votes are pretty unbelievable. Like that Utah’s Kyle Whittingham voted his team ahead of USC (I’d like to see that game on the field), or that Ty Willingham voted Missouri 11th despite getting killed in the Big XII Championship Game. But my favorite? Texas Tech’s Mike Leach voting the Red Raiders second - ahead of Florida and Texas. At least he had the decency to place the team that beat him by 44 ahead of Tech.

Some more sports insanity to brighten up your day:

• Kevin Garnett wants a meatball sub, and FOOD COURT LUNCH is going to give it to him. Oh yeah!



• Things just keep getting worse for Petty Enterprises: WTVD-TV says that the legendary NASCAR organization has laid off 39 employees while awaiting a merger or acquisition to save them. Meanwhile,  a disgruntled Kyle Petty tells NASCAR.COM that he’s been shown the door and is no longer with the organization.
• CC Sabathia in Dodger Blue? MLB.COM reports that the free-agent hurler ran into GM Ned Coletti at the lobby of Bellagio during Winter Meetings and told him he wants to pitch in LA next season.
• You think you have pressure in your job? Try being Wil Collins, who needed to sink a 18-foot par putt to earn his PGA Tour card on the final hole of Q-School. ESPN.COM tells you if he made it or not.
• Then again, Collins could have it worse: he could have been playing for the Detroit Lions since 2001. Which is why center Dominic Raiola isn’t sorry for giving the finger to heckling Lions fans during last week’s loss to the Vikings. In fact, he tells the AP that he’d give them his home address if they’d only fight fair.
• Could this be the end of the season for Tedy Bruschi? The BOSTON HERALD says that the Patriots’ linebacker is going to be placed on the Injured Reserve after banging up his knee on Sunday against the Seahawks.
• Tim Tebow might be waiting for a sign from above before making a decision, but Texas QB Colt McCoy has made up his mind: the DALLAS MORNING NEWS reports he’s coming back for his senior season. Apparently his God is a more decisive God.
• So Kevin McHale has to clean up the mess he made as GM of the Timberwolves now that he’s the coach. ON THE BALL wants Minnesota fans to cheer up: this was actually a demotion.
• PRO FOOTBALL TALK adds another gem to the Emmitt Smith Dictionary from his post-game appearance on ESPN: “amorition.”
• The ARGUS LEADER says that Vinnie Jones, the former bad boy English soccer player turned actor (he played Juggernaut in X-Men: The Last Stand) is claiming self-defense in a bar brawl during a pheasant hunting trip in South Dakota. You can watch the security camera footage and judge for yourself. (Hint: he’s not the 300 lb. guy getting pummeled.)

Cheer up, Boston sports fans. Sure, the Red Sox might have brought you to the brink of exaltation only to send you crashing to the ground like to some junkie with a packet of methadone, but at least the Patriots have kept your hopes adrift for another week with their 41-7 win over the Denver Broncos on Monday night.

Sure, this might have been a performance against the same team that lost to the putrid Kansas City Chiefs, but it’s something to be proud of, right?  Rodney Harrison might have blown his knee out, a crippling blow to a depleted Patriots secondary, but come on…: did you see Matt Cassel? He’s the second coming of Tom Brady, the wa y he hooked up with Randy Moss. Right? Right???

New England fans, I’ll let you slepp on your false sense of security for now. At least ou aren’t 49ers fans, who have seen their team go from playoff contenders to also-rans in the course of a few short weeks. Which means that head coach Mike Nolan is gone, replaced by Mike Singletary, who will at least kill his team with his eyes. The eyes, the eyes, oh Lord the eyes!

Here’s what else happened last night while you were out raging against the machine with Tim McGraw:

• EliteXC is finished, as SI.COM reports that they have closed their doors after “hemorrhaging” money. As poets throughout the ages have mused, wither Kimbo Slice? At least Gina Carano is one step closer to her inevitable Playboy spread.
• Not only did Joba Chamberlain get popped for a DUI this weekend, the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS also says that he got into it with a lippy Red Sox fan back home in Omaha at a nudie bar.
• AWFUL ANNOUNCING has Emmitt Smith trying to talk about Matt Cassel being between a “rock and a hard place.” Do I even need to tell you that the phrase “rites of patches” is invoked?
• The SEC official who appeared to take down South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia on Saturday? THE STATE says that the league has ruled that it was “inadvertant contact.”
• As the NEW YORK TIMES notes, the Red Bulls’ goalkeeper Danny Ceperos is a goal scoring machine.
• The NEWARK STAR-LEDGER reports that Devils’ center Bobby Holik is out three to four week with a broken pinkie. Broken pinkie? Come on - NHL players should just get their pinkies cut off and not miss a shift.
• The SAN DIEGO UNION-TRIBUNE signs in with news that Tiger Woods was back at Torrey Pines - the scene of his U.S. Open triumph over Rocco Mediate - this time as a caddie for an amateur. How far of a fall a few months can bring.
• A bad day for Colombian golfer/fashion plate Camilo Villegas, as FOX SPORTS notes that his uncle was shot and killed during a robbery of his coffee trading business. Juan Valdez’s whereabouts have not yet been determined.
• The AP explains the New Orleans Saints trying to lay out the basics of American football to a London audience, without much success.
• How bad could the World Series be in Nielsen numbers for Fox? According to the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS, really bad.

• GOLF BABES tees up the latest fashions we hope to soon see Natalie Gulbis & Anna Rawson sporting - golf lingerie.

• SI’s Arash Markazi understands Emmitt Smith doesn’t like Ocho Cinco’s plans to smooch the Cowboys’ star: “He can kiss the star anytime he wants, but not after scoring a touchdown. I have a problem with that.”

• Not to be outdone by Jamie Apody, YOU BEEN BLINDED pours out a clip of Manny Ramirez getting a female Fox reporter all wet.

• PLAYING THE FIELD needs some help with their pigskin picks. So they go to someone who knows all about skin - a guy who works at Victoria’s Secret. In the meantime, we’ll go ask the models.

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• Emmitt Smith defends the legacy of the Dallas Cowboys by declaring Terrell Owens to be a non-Cowboy, according to FANHOUSE. What’s wrong, Emmitt; not enough hookers and blow to meet the minimum requirements?

(George Teague agrees)

• This young lady would like to find marital bliss with Korean pitching star Kim Kwang-hyun. EAST WINDUP CHRONICLE has found as a clear visual definition of ‘moxie’ as we’ve ever seen.

(White seems a bit presumptuous here)

• Matt Loede of NFL GRIDIRON GAB has spotted another Hochuli Hiccup in today’s action. We bet you hear more about this later.  Just a guess.
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A new book released yesterday by noted sports author Jeff Pearlman opens with a description of Hall-of-Fame receiver Michael Irvin slashing a teammate in the throat with a pair of scissors in the early ’90s, nearly killing him. According to an interview with Pearlman in the NEW YORK TIMES, Irvin attacked fellow Cowboy Everett McIver and the team paid McIver to stay mum on the incident so Irvin, who was on probation, wouldn’t face certain jail time.

The book, Boys Will Be Boys: The Glory Days and Party Nights of the Dallas Cowboys Dynasty, documents the Aikman-Smith-Irvin era with no details spared. And while the Irvin incident is the book’s hook (it appears on the first page), it just scratches the surface of the shenanigans that group was involved in.

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Apparently, trading for Brett Favre wasn’t enough of a marketing coup for the Jets. This afternoon, the team announced that Jenn Sterger has been hired to serve as the team’s gameday host. This is a brilliant move in much the same way ESPN’s audience benefited from Emmitt Smith’s presence on NFL SUNDAY COUNTDOWN.

Sterger, who became something of an internet sensation when she started penning columns for Sports Illustrated in 2006 (but before getting unceremoniously dumped), has parlayed that fame into spreads in both MAXIM and PLAYBOY, and today, she’s an employee of an NFL football team. It all makes perfect sense.

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Goodness knows I’m breathless in anticipation of another angle on Brett Favre’s descent into AFC anonymity, so I present crack coverage from the WATERTOWN (WI) DAILY TIMES.

Today, Daily Times reporter Adam Tobias went to really the only source that matters when it comes to finding out the genuine reax of Team Favre to the Jets deal: Favre’s pilot.

Grant Goetsch skippers Favre’s well-chronicled private plane, and confirmed what the rest of the world outside of Oyster Bay knows: “He knew there was a bidding, he knew that they (Packers) had a higher offer from the Jets and he knew that the Packers wanted him to go to the Jets. He didn’t want to really go to the Jets.

“He and his agent were continually working I’m sure all night talking on and off with the different teams. He was aware of both (teams), but the comment was made that he wasn’t as interested in the Jets.”

Wasn’t as interested in the Jets? Who said millionaire ballplayers aren’t like Everyman? Favre definitely falls into the majority of the non-masochistic, male population with that “comment.”

Here’s the wife of a ballplayer you just might know:

Said ballplayer revealed after the jump.

• Heidi Watney is starting to receive Erin Andrews-levels of obsession.

• Emmitt Smith will no longer be enjoyed on ESPN’s “NFL Countdown“.

• With Internet problems all around Beijing, Olympic Village athletes will have to get their porn the old fashioned way - from dirty books at the local bookshop.

• Meanwhile, gender testers at the Games just want to make sure girls will be girls.

• “Sun-ny day, beating the clouds away” - Cubs fans pummel a White Sox supporter while attending a 2-year-old’s Sesame Street birthday party.

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If I came into my office every morning and slept underneath my desk, or just spent the entire time I was there openly blogging on various internet sites, I would expect to be fired. Actually, scratch that last one.

Point being, if you stink at your job, you should get fired. ESPN finally woke up and smelled the roses, deciding not to bring Emmitt Smith back to NFL Countdown. PRO FOOTBALL TALK reports that Cris Carter will be brought in instead to torture give us the news on Sundays with Chris Berman & crew.

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