Speed Read: End Of The Road For Chris Chelios?

In case you hadn’t noticed, and after these many years it’s okay if you hadn’t, Chris Chelios has been around forever. For-eh-vur. The 47-year-old has literally spent a majority of his life as a player in the NHL, breaking into the league with Montreal during the 1983-84 season. Yeah, back when “Jump” was the hot new sound from Van Halen. That’s how long dude’s been around.

Chris Chelios Weightlifting
(Of course he stuck around this long because of hard work. What did you expect? Prayer?)

And while injuries and the unrelenting assault of time on an aging man’s body have kept Chelios from the legendary Gordie Howe’s all-time record in games played and other marks of longetivity, Chelios is still a colossal freak of nature. Look no further than at (it bears repeating) the age of 47, Chelios is finally being released by the Detroit Red Wings. As the DETROIT NEWS reports, though, he still might not be done:

General manager Ken Holland met with Chelios Monday afternoon and, as expected, gave him the news Chelios will not be re-signed.

“It was kind of understood last summer, after Cheli signed, that the 2008-09 season would be the last one for Cheli as a Red Wing,” said Holland, noting the need for the Wings to bring in younger players. “He wants to play another season and I believe he can still play.”

Perhaps Chelios has a year or two left in him as a swan song in Chicago, or maybe he wants to see if he can hit 50 in an NHL uniform, a stunning accomplishment that really has zero bearing on the world at large. Don’t get us wrong, most guys don’t make it to 30 in the league, much less tack two more entire decades on the odometer, but at no point is Chelios ever going to be a catalyst for great things anymore.

Which is fine, of course. Guys stick around in professional athletics for a few years too many on a regular basis, and few (if any) have earned the privilege as much as Chelios. It’s just that at this point, the list of teams who might pick him up are those who really don’t even need the help to begin with.

Speaking of Chris Chelios (WARNING: this segue makes no sense), let’s talk about women fighting each other. You might remember last week where Cris “Cyborg” Santos choked out a reporter who foolishly questioned her ability to finish a submission move against a fighter, y’know, like how real men do. Well, being that Santos is going to fight SbB favorite Gina Carano in Carano’s post-EliteXC return to the Octagon, one display of lady-on-gentleman brutality can’t go unreturned before the fight, right? Right:

Nighty nighty, talker man. The question isn’t where are you, as Santos’ victim asked when he came back to Earth, but what are you: that would be lucky as hell, lucky that someone strong enough to turn the lights out with such ease also possesses the capacity for mercy, which is pretty much the only thing that has saved your brain’s regular functions.

If ladychoking is the next salvo fired in the War on Equality, then so be it, because strong women are clearly capable of winning that fight against weak men. And sure, a man can still probably choke out a woman, but anyone willing to make that case, even hypothetically, probably isn’t someone worth your time in conversation. Avoid accordingly.

Last, speaking of choking, let’s talk about USC. In the wake of Tim Floyd’s shame-splattered resignation and allegations of selective rule enforcement in the case of Reggie Bush, former Heisman hero and current athletic director Mike Garrett demands to be judged by his record and his legacy. For example, he hired Pete Carroll. Also, he hired, um… uh…

Pete Carroll USC Song Girls
(The Song Girls aren’t really hired, per se, so that doesn’t count. The white-haired guy in the middle does, though.)

Turns out, as the LOS ANGELES TIMES points out, he doesn’t exactly have a track record of success to fall back on, despite his boasts. So while Carroll’s hire is to Garrett as the Emancipation Proclamation is to Abraham Lincoln (seriously, Abe, what else did you accomplish, other than monopolizing the top hat?*), the rest of the resume seems to be, ahem, lacking. The worst hire, in retrospect, seems to be Floyd, who may have crippled the Trojans’ basketball program for years to come in order to secure one year of service from O.J. Mayo. And let’s hope that mistake doesn’t happen again…

Who’s the next big star from O.J. Mayo’s family?

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So above all else, Garrett’s resume suggests that success is but a random decision away, a call to be made by livestock choosing to address one of several piles of food, each festooned with a different logo. Blew it on that up-and-coming coach from Southwestern State back in 2003? Hey, what can you do; Ernie the Carnivorous Pheasant clearly indicated he was due by way of which chum pile he devoured, and in any case, we saved the $12 million a barely-competent would have demanded over those same six years.

Some extra links to consider while you keep the horse off the launchpad…

  • J.R. Smith and Eddy Curry were apparently webcasting online as they were pulled over for the all-too-common D.W.B., as INSIDE HOOPS reports. No charges were filed and no video seems to exist, which is precisely why you’re reading about it here and not blaring at the top of a morning post. [UPDATE: Smith’s unequivocally calling bullfeathers on the story, though it seems so oddly specific we’re not sure why they would make any of that up.]
  • OPPOSITE DAY: The worst GM in at least the last 30 years, Steve Phillips, is allowed to make assertions about baseball that go routinely unchallenged. This is like giving Karl Rove his own political column… oh wait.
  • A word to Texas baseball coach Augie Garrido: there are many, many opportunities for somebody to make self-deprecating jokes to the press. A recent DUI arrest and your mugshot, for example would probably not be the best opportunity to do so. Just something to keep in mind going forw–well, I see we’re too late.
  • Joakim Noah will join Mickael Pietrus and Jean-Shaquille L’Oneal (we made up the last one, of course, but not the first two) on the French national team for upcoming international play. Vince Carter was seem chuckling, sizing up Noah’s dimensions, and dialing his time machine back to 2000. It’s been a while since he abused a giant Frenchman, you see, and these desires just never seem to go away after you indulge them once.

  • Tony Hawk got to visit the White House, then skateboard through it. And you know what? You can do the exact same thing if you spend 20 years getting famous for being better at one thing than anyone else in the world, and no, we’re not talking about what you do three times a day whenever the wife’s not around. In that case, practice makes pervert. Now pull up your pants and keep reading.
  • No, University of Illinois, Ron Santo was not trying to get into med school (not as anything but a discount-level test dummy; get some toes, then we can talk full price).
  • Bet you don’t know who just beat out Jason Jennings for the franchise lead for most victories. Did you guess Aaron Cook? Well, you probably cheated.
  • Some eight-grader does a flip and throws the basketball in a hoop from almost a full court. This is actually less related to competitive basketball than dunk contests, which we didn’t even think was possible.

(What’s next, trying to shoot it out of a cannon into a hoop? What does this have to do with actual basketball? God, we’re old.)

*We’re addressing him in the first person because we have it on good authority that Abe Lincoln and other dead Presidents read SbB with astonishing regularity in the afterworld. Heaven has great wi-fi. Which seems appropriate, if you think about it; how good could heaven really be if the wireless sucked?

Gina Carano Will Actually Fight Again for Money

Gina Carano will finally return to the activity that earned her initial fame now that she’s been able to find a new home to ply her craft in. (No, her craft isn’t Gladiating.)  (No, it’s not nude weigh-ins.)  (No, it’s not drinking and rolling around with other girls. You’re not even trying now.)

Gina Carano

(Remember when she did this professionally?)

No, she’ll finally climb back into the arena and fight another woman for cash and prizes.  Carano, who has fought only once in the last year, has been biding her time while looking for another MMA organization once EliteXC couldn’t choke down a Slice of profits big enough to stay in business. Now she’s found a new company (Strikeforce) and a new opponent that has the best chance of anyone to mar Carano’s perfect MMA record.
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Kimbo Slice’s Path To UFC Through Reality Show

Kimbo Slice went from Lord of the YouTubes to MMA’s first potential mainstream attraction, until a flamboyant, pink-haired little fighter showed that the emperor had no clothes. So complete was his collapse that EliteXC was pulled into his wake and sank.

Kimbo Slice

But no fighter quits after one loss, and Slice wants to work his way back to the top. In the sport right now, that’s UFC. But given UFC President Dana White’s outspoken stance on Slice, he’s not exactly welcome there. So he’s going to literally have to work his way up from the bottom. So Slice is going on a reality show to earn a spot in UFC.

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MMAer Dating A Lingerie Football Player = Pics

There aren’t many sports power couples, but there’s definitely a hierarchy. Andre Agassi and Steffi Graf are the A-listers. Shelden Williams and Candace Parker are, generously, B-list. Jennie Finch and Casey Daigle are just scraping by as C-listers. So where does that leave MMA Fighter KJ Noons and Lingerie Football League “player” Melany Lorenzo? Who cares, she’s hot and has lots of pictures. Happy New Year to you, too.

KJ Noons and Melany Lorenzo

Noons has put together a 7-2 record in MMA, mostly EliteXC of late. And Lorenzo, big surprise, is a former Playboy model (I’m shocked - shocked! - that someone in Lingerie Football would have to resort to something so degrading). Which means, if you were so inclined, there are ways of seeing her in less clothing. Although these will suffice for now, I think.

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Speed Read: Is This Good Enough, Boston Fans?

Cheer up, Boston sports fans. Sure, the Red Sox might have brought you to the brink of exaltation only to send you crashing to the ground like to some junkie with a packet of methadone, but at least the Patriots have kept your hopes adrift for another week with their 41-7 win over the Denver Broncos on Monday night.

Randy Moss

Sure, this might have been a performance against the same team that lost to the putrid Kansas City Chiefs, but it’s something to be proud of, right?  Rodney Harrison might have blown his knee out, a crippling blow to a depleted Patriots secondary, but come on…: did you see Matt Cassel? He’s the second coming of Tom Brady, the wa y he hooked up with Randy Moss. Right? Right???

New 49ers Coach Mike Singletary

New England fans, I’ll let you slepp on your false sense of security for now. At least ou aren’t 49ers fans, who have seen their team go from playoff contenders to also-rans in the course of a few short weeks. Which means that head coach Mike Nolan is gone, replaced by Mike Singletary, who will at least kill his team with his eyes. The eyes, the eyes, oh Lord the eyes!

Here’s what else happened last night while you were out raging against the machine with Tim McGraw:

Gina Carano

How many wins will the Patriots end up with?

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Blog-O-Rama: Kim K. Contends Reggie’s No Cheat

• SHOW STALKER informs us that Kim Kardashian trusts Reggie Bush not to cheat on her, no matter what one questionable gossip website says.

Kim Kardashian Reggie Bush

•  PEREZ HILTON sizes up SbB’s Jose Canseco web exclusive yesterday.

• REAR NAKED NEWS kicks up word that for last weekend’s Elite XC CBS show - the one where Kimbo was Sliced up in 14 seconds - the MMA organization didn’t get a dime, as all revenue went to the TV network.

• Over on his YARDBARKER blog, Baron Davis tells us how much fun he’s having as a new member of the Clippers. Such a great attitude can help us all get through these tough post-Elgin Baylor times.

• SPORTS ILLUSTRATED tunes in to a ruling from the FCC that Comcast should allow the NFL Network to be carried on their basic cable tier.

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MMA Hottie Gina Carano Strips In Front Of Crowd

Here at SbB, we make a simple oath: If the most attractive kicker of butt this side of Lara Croft is ever forced to get naked in front of an assembly of onlookers, we promise to bring you that news as soon as humanly possible. Which is why we must start your day with this story of superstar fighter Gina Carano, who had to strip down yesterday while trying to make weight for tonight’s “EliteXC: Heat” in Fort Lauderdale.

Gina Carano

When Carano - previously mentioned here in a post that includes many, many images to show exactly why she’s so well-liked - stepped up to the scale looking to make the 141-pound weight limit and noticed she was 1.75 pounds over, she did what any self-respecting person would do: Stripped off her clothes.

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Ken Shamrock Says He Will Break Kimbo’s Leg

Of all the movies in the Rocky series, my favorite has always been Rocky IV. The death of Apollo Creed at the beginning, Rocky’s need to avenge his friend, the training montage, it’s all great. Still, my favorite part of the movie is right before Rocky’s fight against super-Commie Ivan Drago when the two meet in the center of the ring and Drago tells Balboa “I must break you.”

Of course, in the end Rocky & capitalism triumph over the evil Drago & his communist regime of terror, and all is right in the world again (well, until Rocky V came out). I don’t think the upcoming EliteXC fight between Ken Shamrock and Kimbo Slice will have the same kind of impact on the global scale as the Balboa-Drago bout, but that isn’t stopping Shamrock from having his own Drago moment.

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Kimbo Slice, Gina Carano Jiggle to EliteXC Victory

We took in the bloated spectacle of MMA last night that took far too long to finish, had a messy and controversial finish, and was tinged with sloppy production throughout.

Kimbo Slice is glowing

(This technique was also used when Jennifer Aniston was pregnant during the filming of “Friends”)

And that was just the Kimbo Slice-James Thompson fight.

The EliteXC fights on CBS last night rarely had the chance to be completely entertaining, but we are willing to grant some level of pass for that since part of the thrill of sport should be its unscripted and unpredictable nature. However, there were plenty of opportunities for CBS and EliteXC to avoid predictable pitfalls and simply failed.
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