Last night I was at the Lakers-Suns beatdown so I missed this Dwyane Wade dunk over Anderson Varejao of the Cavaliers:

(Sully: take note)

My hair hurts.

Video after the jump. Read more…

• Michelle Wie has her own blog where she can showcase some of her off-course talents - such as art work and wearing leopard & leather outfits.

• No one circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills - mainly because they keep putting themselves in disastrous situations.

• A Nigerian soccer player tries to earn a roster spot by smuggling heroin.

• A furious female Canadian boxer decides to beat up some British soldiers because they were “being gay” on the dance floor.

• Successful sales of a 5,000-calorie burger fills minor league team’s coffers, clogs minor league fans’ arteries.

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In the classic novel Animal Farm, author George Orwell mockingly paints a satirical dystopian view of Communism. In particular, the book’s law that “all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others” mocks the Communist ruling elites’ lip service to proletarianism and equality. Americans have long despised the idea that some people are inherently better than others and have championed the idea that America is a meritocracy in which anyone, of even the most humble means, can become successful and prosperous.

Of course, what civics class doesn’t teach you is that once someone has actually risen above their humble beginnings and achieved success…then the rules change. No more pesky equality for the powerful - those are ideas best reserved for the masses. Example One is the legal brief recently filed on behalf of wealthy, powerful Miami Heat guard Dwyane Wade. Viva la revolucion!

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The longer this whole recession thing sticks around, the more it’s going to affect our delicious, precious sports. Teams are already wringing their hands about slow ticket sales and sponsorship problems. Surprisingly (SARCASM), the inflated ticket prices and payrolls that skyrocketed over the past 10-15 years might not be sustainable over the long haul.

(No need to hurry, really.)

One team in particular, the New Jersey Nets, is having a wee bit o’ trouble putting butts in the seats at inflated prices in a crappy arena to see a terrible basketball team. But they’ve…got….a…plan: Jersey giveaways! No big deal, even if you can’t name a single stiff on the team these days (other than Devin Harris), because they’re possibly the first team ever to give away opposing team’s jerseys.

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• A hip-hop remix of the team’s fight song by T-Pain can’t ruin the joy of the release of a new Miami Dolphins cheerleader bikini calendar.

• The NFL preseason is underway, and Sunday’s opener was pretty uneventful - save for the most perfectly executed fake punt you’ll likely see.

• Another Michigan Wolverine is off the team. It has to be RichRod’s fault, and not that failed cocaine deal-turned-dorm arson attempt.

• Ohio State LB Tyler Moeller is out for the season after suffering seizures this past weekend.

• The SEC is turning into MLB when it comes to new rules of broadcasting highlights & online media of its games.

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Dwyane Wade has always embraced his hometown of Chicago. He played his college ball just up Interstate 94 in Milwaukee and he’s made his South Side roots the cornerstone of his public persona. He’s connected enough to his hometown that rumors fly every year about Wade potentially getting traded to the Bulls; it just seems to make sense to people.

So, what kind of place would a celebrity Chicago native (and housing market expert) be expected to use as a swingin’ bachelor pad during his time back in his hometown? For Dwyane Wade, the answer is evidently this newly-remodeled $1.7 million townhome in Chicago’s River North neighborhood. We’ve got the virtual tour; decide after the jump whether it looks like a great place for a weed-smoking sex party to you.

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You’ll probably recall that as the current free agency period for the NBA kicked off recently, lots of the focus went to next year’s class, the crown jewels of which being Chris Bosh, Dwyane Wade, Dirk Nowitzki, and some LeBron James character. Which franchise would land each one? Would two team up to essentially buy a title* like the Celtics?

(”No, I don’t mean ‘everything will be A-OK.’ I mean you have this much to spend next summer. Enjoy!”)

Unfortunately, this may be the first free agency period that was over an entire year before it started. For beginners, as we mentioned this morning, the salary cap will be falling a full million dollars for the 2009 season. That’s just a breeze before a hurricane, though; as Marc Stein at ESPN.COM reports, David Stern sent out a memo to owners warning that the salary cap could be coming down in 2010. Way, way down:  Read more…

When I’m not beefing up my financial portfolio with Lenny Dykstra, you can usually find me seeking foreclosure advice from that paragon of business acumen, Dwyane Wade, and his business partner Alonzo Mourning. The former Miami Heat teammates have combined their forces to add heft to a nonprofit government effort to promote awareness of free foreclosure assistance. Hmm, is this wise?

It’s a good cause to be sure; the financial meltdown has caused a real crisis in the housing industry, especially in South Florida, where many people have lost their homes due to financial scams or confusion over the way housing laws work. Nonprofits such as the HOPE NOW Alliance have organized a bus tour to help raise awareness of government services that would help homeowners renegotiate the terms of their loans. And Wade and Mourning have lent their celebrity to the cause. Read more…

If there’s one thing we especially appreciate from athletes, it’s a sense of humor. Sure, that probably goes for everybody, not just athletes, but the last thing someone with an annual salary with more zeroes than a comic book convention (Get it? Because they’re nerds! BAAA-ZING!) needs is an over-inflated sense of entitlement.

(No, it’s not real. You’ll see.)

So we’re happy to note that Dwyane Wade was on the Jimmy Kimmel Show recently, which is so much better than being in the Finals. Kimmel, having a devious sense of humor, set up a fake autograph session with Wade and Kimmel’s cousin Sal as a handler. The premise is simple: Wade’s only signing autographs for people who are handicapped or injured. One fan shows up without anything, y’know, wrong with him. Aaaaand roll clip: Read more…

Reality used to be a friend of Ron Artest’s. However, it was long before the public met the kid from St. John’s a decade ago. For example, no one would be surprised to find out the new Gatorade/Tiger Woods cartoons seem like mini-documentaries to the Tru Warier because he has secretly considered himself the NBA’s Dr. Doolittle for years.

Therefore, we shouldn’t be shocked to find out reality’s been stiffing his calls again. After a questionable ejection in last night’s 111-98 Rockets loss to the Lakers to tie the series at one game apiece, Artest entertained the media with alternating moments of clarity speaking about the ejection and tales about that one time he was in Space Jam II as directed by Quentin Tarantino.

Apparently, this is the first time in Artest’s storied violent past that he remembered a pick-up game where tempers flared and one player snapped the leg off a nearby table and threw it with enough force to pierce the heart of another. By the way, Violet Palmer would only call a flagrant one on that.

One expert on keeping it real is Skip to My Lou himself, Rafer Alston. Eddie House’s yipping dog act (which is only the third-most irritating version on this Celtics squad) wormed its way under the skin of the boy from Queens, causing this rather understandable reaction:

The head slap will probably take the Orlando Magic’s only nominal point guard out of an upcoming game, a rather unappealing proposition after the 112-94 posterior-kicking administed by the Celtics last night. Ron Artest would like to know what reality would eject him for chattering with Kobe Bryant about his flailing elbows while a head smack only earns double techs.

He might start by asking the woman found in Dirk Nowitzki’s home Wednesday. Surely, one of the eight aliases she’s used in previous forgery convictions can speak to the matter. Also, maybe one of them is a lawyer that can explain why she was arrested in Nowitzki’s house for theft of service and probation violations.

(”No, man… I was just asking if you saw ‘House’ last night.  Why so sensitive?”)

And maybe one of those aliases once killed a man with a table leg from 20 feet. Hey, it’s no stranger than knowing Ron Artest took the Houston Rockets to a plane of existence Tracy McGrady never could: the second round.

Your hail of bullet points today may seem a bit odd, but there’s a reason for that:

• Wayne Gretzky could make up to $22.5 million if the Coyotes sale goes through. Or, as Janet Jones calls it, “walking-around money in Vegas”.
• The Miami Heat and Dwyane Wade are talking extension, which would be going much faster except Wade can’t decide if he wants “Dwyane Wade Designer Gauze Night” or “Dwyane Wade Penicillin Night“.
• 2006 Olympic figure skating silver medalist Sasha Cohen will unretire for the 2010 Vancouver Games, pretty much saving the Games for NBC and Vancouver officials.

• Shaquille O’Neal has returned to his offseason MMA training, which he embraces for rewarding all the physicality of the NBA without any of the free throws.
• The New England Patriots are as thin as Gisele Bundchen at linebacker as their 2009 third-rounder will miss the season with a busted knee.
• Beach (or sand?) volleyball icon Holly McPeak has retired.

• The Dodgers have won their first 13 games at home, setting a modern MLB mark. Does MLB also keep track of the number of stabbings and robberies in the first 13 games at home?
• A Canuck would rather claim an STD than admit an injury.
• If this is the new Philly MLS team’s logo, it’s surprisingly classy. Do they want another shot at it, maybe with more teal?

• The hidden pain athletes take on that the public rarely sees as reported by the Pacers’ Mike Dunleavy, Jr: “I found myself watching the Sex and the City movie one night.” Now the painkiller addictions make sense.
• Scott Boras has meddled with one of his Royals prospect clients so much that the team has sent him home until it stops.