Trusting a known substance abuser when it comes to their habits and history with substance abuse is usually a prohibitively treacherous plan of action; only the most lurid, hopeless tales ring true, usually because only the most lurid, hopeless details ever propel a drug user to come clean and stop protecting their destructive habits. It’s the nature of addiction.
So when former Giants great Lawrence Taylor - arguably the most notable drug abuser in NFL history* - told the YES NETWORK that his very first drug test didn’t actually contain his urine, well, we were more than a little skeptical.
This is just getting silly. Last we heard from suspended NASCAR driver Jeremy Mayfield, he was contesting his positive drug test with a two-pronged attack of sheer genius: on one flank he claimed NASCAR illegally tested his ‘B’ urine sample, and on the other his fraudulent doctor friend claimed that his testing positive for meth (NOT EVEN ONCE) was the result of a magical heretofore unheard-of interaction between Adderall and allergy medicine Claritin-D.
Needless to say, it hasn’t worked so far. His fake doctor was revealed earlier this month as a fraud, and now NASCAR has rather bluntly refuted his first claim as well by revealing his ‘A’ sample was all methed-up as well. Don’t worry, though - quick thinkin’ Jeremy hasn’t run out of excuses yet.
Sex: it’s lots of fun! Sure, it can lead to numerous problems, like STDs, pregnancy, and marriage, but it’s soooooo fun! Have you ever had sex? It’s amazing! Some people get to have sex as their job. They’re called superheroes.
(Our young hero, enjoying his Sex-Crazed Man of the Year award.)
One hockey player for the Polar Bears Berlin and German National Team enjoys sex a super amount. So one day when he was having some of that fun sex, anti-doping professionals came over to test him for drugs. The player, 24-year-old Florian Busch, refused to immediately comply; we’re pretty sure his answer, when translated from German, was “Give me 10 minutes, or so help me God, I will throw a hammer at you.” Whatever it was, it wasn’t “Yes, sir, right away!” - and that was a serious mistake.
Pro hockey is hard. Really, really hard. Even if nobody hits you, the sheer level of fitness and endurance needed to skate (and skate well) for that long is beyond the reach of most people. And then there’s the hitting. Oh god, the hitting. Try getting knocked onto a sheet of ice by someone coming at you at about 20 miles per hour, then see if you ever want to do that again. You’d probably say no.
(This is actually what Martin Brodeur looks like. Maybe.)
So with the intense physical demands of the sport comes equally intense pain afterward, and it’s well-known that one of the main benefits of steroids and HGH is the increased recuperative ability of the body; you get better faster. But there are also sufficient drawbacks (see Alzado, Lyle) that they’re illegal and strictly monitored by every major sport. Except if it’s the playoffs, in which case the NHL just says, “whatever!” The COLUMBUS DISPATCH has the incredible details: Read more…
For whatever reason, France hates Lance Armstrong. Seriously, they haaaate him. They hate him with a visceral disgust that they usually reserve for the Spanish (we’re just assuming that, like the residents here, Europeans hate anyone who lives across a political border from them). They were even discussing whether to make the day Lance broke his collarbone a national holiday. We’re kidding about that, but it’s plausible.
(France would burn these, but it would smell just awful.)
France’s usual weapon of choice against Armstrong is to hound him with drug tests, 100% of which have come back clean. It doesn’t seem probable that cycling’s demigod can win year after year after experiencing a catastrophic bout with brain cancer, but until they can prove otherwise, he did so cleanly.
But now, as Armstrong announced to his LIVESTRONG.COM site, he expects to be banned from the Tour. He didn’t test positive for anything; his transgression was… taking a shower.