Sports Guys Ads Help Nutri-System Lose $500M

Last week publicly-traded Nutri-System reported quarterly results to investors and, unlike the waistlines of its sports celebrity pitchmen, company profits have slimmed considerably. In the past quarter (three months), the value of the company’s stock has declined by 52%, equaling a $500 million dollar loss.

Chris Berman Nutri-System Ad Shoot

(For $500M, could they have lost the Men’s Wearhouse?)

Last Tuesday afternoon, the stock fell 16% in just a few minutes following an earnings report that included a prediction from company executives that declining sales were not expected to improve anytime soon. Previously, the company had predicted significant profits for the first quarter of ‘10, only to fall considerably short.

So as the economy slowly improves, why do Nutri-System losses continue to pile up? From what the company indicated last week, marketing expenditures are the culprit.

Nutri-System shoot with Dan Marino

(Patronizing your own Hooters casino steakhouse will do that)

In other words, Nutri-System as a company has lost half its value in the past three months in part because of an overextended ad campaign featuring Don Shula, Dan Marino, Chris Berman and (previously) Mike Golic, among others.

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‘Most demeaning, humiliating experience of my life’

Jose Lambiet of the PALM BEACH POST reports on a delightful idea the Miami Dolphins recently concocted to generate revenue while also filling out Don Shula’s birthday party with two-legged props:

Don Shula Birthday Party: Season Ticket Holders Got The Steerage

(Dolphins sent season tix holders to steerage for Shula bday party)

Many of the 80 season ticket holders randomly “invited” to pay $80-per to attend former coach Don Shula’s 80th birthday party Saturday night at Land Shark Stadium are complaining bitterly about the way they were treated at the banquet.

Shula, dozens of his former players, rapper Fergie, new Fins owner Stephen Ross, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell and other VIPs got the silver spoon treatment.

And the 80 “invited” fans, meanwhile, got partly-cooked hot dogs, dried chicken and soda, all served on plastic plates with plastic forks, Sorentrue said.

They also were bestowed the honor of watching the VIPs munch on their fine foods from a balcony — this, after waiting outside in the cold for all VIPs to get in.

“I’m actually considering cancelling my ($1,700-a-year) season tickets,” 12-year season ticket holder Fred Sorentrue said.

How ungrateful of Sorentrue. Who wouldn’t pay $80 to watch (from a heavily guard, roped-off location) Fergie serenading a bewildered Shula whilst savoring personal proximity to dozens of other local South Florida celebrities. (Give it up for Hank Goldberg!)

The event description from Lambiet hooked me, but accounts from commenters who actually paid $80 to watch Tony Sparano inhale enough langoustines to greenlight another season of Deadliest Catch are truly wondrous.

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Fergie? Shula Thought Joe Ferguson Would Show

When you have to spend five minutes telling us how important someone is, don’t bother:

Fergie Sings Happy Birthday to Don Shula

(Thank goodness for the six fingers of Cutty)

Can just hear the night-before convo: ‘Remember Coach Sparano’s daughter’s Bat Mitzah? Promise me no dried vomit in your hair this time’

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Gross/Iconic Coaching Outfits Through The Years

The BOSTON GLOBE reported yesterday that fully half of the gray hooded sweatshirts sold through the NFL are adorned with the Patriots logo, a fairly obvious by-product of Bill Belichick’s “hobo coach” look.

Bill Belichick
(Doesn’t he look sharp? Or homeless?)

It seems strange that such an image-unconscious look has caught on in spite of itself, but we got to thinking: this isn’t a new phenomenon. Through the decades of NFL history, in fact, successful coaches have shaped popular fashion, usually without even trying. Let’s take a look back, shall we?

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Shula Not Sure on Parcells; Don’t Block Big Brown

Sasha Vujacic’s final shot gave grief to gamblers? You can bet on it!

Don Shula wonders if new Dolphins prez Bill Parcells is so good, why does he keep changing jobs?

Don Shula Bill Parcells

• Best not to block Big Brown during the Belmont, or his trainer’s gonna shoot somebody.

• A high school wrestling coach has been let go after his assistant was trying to suplex Muslim students into Christianity.

• Good to see Jenna Jameson staying in practice for her profession.

• A letter intercepted in jail may help solve the murder of Denver Bronco Darrent Williams.

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Shula Takes Swipe At Parcells During Interview

The SOUTH FLORIDA SUN-SENTINEL transcribes part of a recent radio interview by Evan Cohen of Don Shula on West Palm’s ESPN 760am about the current state of the Dolphins (which reminds us, we need to book a night at Shula’s *resort* before we move back to L.A. … in-room coffeemakers!).

Don Shula

(No superior room with ocean view for Parcells?)

And in a stunning development, Shula backhanded Parcells while talking about the impact he would have on the franchise. Read more…

Sharapova Cautious In Qatar About Showing Skin

• Michael David Smith of AOL FANHOUSE dresses down Qatar for making Maria Sharapova wear long tights underneath her skirt.

Maria Sharapova tights under skirt Qatar

• FAN IQ’s 100% INJURY RATE uncovers a doozy of an Olympic sex scandal - complete with nude pics of opening ceremonies singers and gangsters threatening to cut off arms.

Barack Obama has Greg Oden’s vote.

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Pats Stay Perfect, To Chagrin of ‘72 Dolphins

PATS STAY PERFECT, MUCH TO DISPLEASURE OF OLD FISH: Don Shula was less than a minute away from popping the champagne, but New England kept a cork in it, as Brady & the boys bested Baltimore 27-24 on Monday Night:

Belichick stealing signs

The Patriots now move to 12-0, and are only 4 games away from clinching the first undefeated regular season in the NFL since Shula’s 1972 Dolphins.How badly do the old Finsters want to keep the record to themselves? Shula took a seat in the Monday Night Football booth for several minutes, and spent his time rooting for the Ravens.

Mercury Morris Hair transplant

And CONSTRUDA notes that Mercury Morris is still pissed about the Pats possibility for perfection. When asked before Monday night’s game if he would welcome New England to ‘72 Dolphins status, Morris replied, “No. Hey, listen, a husband always needs a wife.”As for the actual on-field play, there was no love lost between the two AFC foes - or was there? AWFUL ANNOUNCING found Ravens coach Brian Billick blowing smooches to Pats safety Rodney Harrison:

Nice to see such bitter rivals kiss and make up.

Writer Argues Shula Should Have His Own Asterisk If Patroits Have One

WRITER ARGUES SHULA’S OWN TEAM DESERVES ASTERISK: Don Shula shouldn’t be tossing out talk of asterisks when his own 1972 team could have one:

Don Shula radio

Jim Litke of the ASSOCIATED PRESS argues that the former Miami Dolphins coach should speak for himself when it comes to criticizing New England’s possible perfect run.Before bumming it on South Beach, Shula was in charge of the Baltimore Colts. After the 1969 season, then-Dolphins owner Joe Robbie talked with Shula and convinced the coach to head to Miami.

However, the NFL didn’t like the discussion, and charged the Dolphins with tampering & gave their first-round draft pick to the Colts. Three seasons later, Shula had his Super Bowl ring & undefeated season.

Don Shula shoulders

As for critics calling out the Pats for running up the score, Litke points out that one of Miami’s wins during their perfect drive was a 52-0 thrashing of New England.Litke believes that if the Patriots’ “Spygate” scandal deserves a little star mark on a 19-0 record, then Shula’s move south should result in “17-0*”.

But it’s hard to see Litke’s assessment as more than just homerism for the Boston boys, after reading his thoughts on a Pats penalty last week.

Pats Colts Tom Brady sack

During the 2nd quarter of the Indy-NE game, Pats tackle Matt Light leg-swiped Colts defender Dwight Freeney, resulting in a personal foul call.Litke proudly wrote, “It was one of those win-at-all-cost maneuvers that few people would have admired more than Belichick and Light’s teammates would have admired.”

We’re pretty sure Belichick & teammates wouldn’t admire getting pushed back 15 yards because of a dumb penalty.

Don Shula Says Patriots Perfect Record Should Have Asterisk

SHULA: PATS’ PERFECT RECORD SHOULD HAVE AN ASTERISK Rather than scare out anything interestingly current, Gary Myers of the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS rouses the NFL’s most famous assisted-livers, the 1972 Dolphins, for a throwaway column featuring an embarrassingly embittered Don Shula.

Don Shula

Shula tells Myers that because of the Patriots’ illegal video activity record by the NFL earlier this season, if New England goes undefeated there should be an asterisk affixed to the mark.

Don Shula Steakhouse

The Steakhouse: “I guess you got the same thing as putting an asterisk by Barry Bonds’ home run record. I guess it will be noted that the Patriots were fined and a No.1 draft choice was taken away during that year of accomplishment.

Don Shula Batman And Robin

If the Patriots’ offense was so serious, serious enough to note it in the final NFL record book, then why wasn’t Bill Belichick suspended for one single second of NFL play?And unlike the Bonds’ affair, which still has more legs to it than Beyonce, the league has since closed the book on the investigation of the Patriots *nefarious* activities.