Speed Read: Howie Long’s Playoff Emasculation

Real men have haircuts level with the earth’s horizon. Real men don’t laugh at Terry Bradshaw’s jokes. And real men become spokespeople for Chevrolet-brand pickup trucks and look down on cars with convenient tailgate steps and heated steering wheels and seatbelts, because seatbelts are for queers and real men can crash through a windshield and jog three miles later that day. Howie Long is a real man. And if the FOX analyst-slash-truck-salesman had his way with the NFL playoff teams, he might be able to sniff out a girlie man or two.

Kurt Warner and Howie Long

Are those … “man sleeves?” Did Kurt Warner have to cover up his arms in Charlotte’s chilly willy weather, of all places? Wasn’t it, like, 50 degrees out there? Did his mom wife crotchet him a yarn jockstrap? Did you know Long would play in sub-zero temperatures shirtless, if given the opportunity by the league? Also, frostbite builds character, and hypothermia increases sperm count. And don’t even get Howie started on what NFC Championship Game quarterback Donovan McNabb was wearing between offensive possessions:

McNabb in coat

A fun dilemma brought up by FANHOUSE: Is it ethical for Wake Forest fans to rush the court after a win over UNC? After all, UNC was No. 3, and suffered their second loss in as many Sundays, and Wake Forest was a scrappy 4th in the national polls. Blogger Adam … well, Adam, argues “Court storming is actually an insult to your players. Court storming is an admission that you didn’t think they could win.” Well, sure, but … so what? In Adam’s rules, he mentions it’s OK to storm after any Duke win. Well, isn’t UNC at that same level of animosity? Wake may be No. 4 and even Wilbon called the upset two days ago, but a No. 4 over a No. 3 win means it’s a top-five showdown, and even in the SbB-model-stacked ACC, that’s a couple-times-a-year occurrence, and Wake just won one of those. My alma mater lost to Savannah F’in State this year. Let the Deacons run wild and free, and enjoy this one.

If it wasn’t for HULU.COM, nobody’s watching Saturday Night Live anymore except for drunk people who can’t find anything else on TV. That website might singlehandedly save that show. The cast may not be in its prime, and it could be in a perpetual Kansas City Royals state of infancy, but a few solid clips seem to arise from recent episodes. In this case, it’s Kenan Thompson as Charles Barkley, as portrayed last Saturday. (Cue it up to 1:29 in if you don’t want to listen to Seth Meyers.) All in all, a solid skit, although if there was a way to transplant Frank Caliendo’s voice into Thompson’s larynx, that might be the opposite of turrible.

Red Sox '57 Chevy

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Ted Nolan Buffalo Firing Came After Allegations He Slept With Dominik Haseks Wife

WILL HBO ASK ISLANDERS’ NOLAN ABOUT HASEK CUCKOLD? Tonight HBO updates an old piece on current New York Islanders Coach Ted Nolan.

The original piece focused on Nolan getting fired by the Buffalo Sabres after the 1997 season, despite leading “a young team of overachievers to the top of their division after only two years at the helm.

Ted Nolan New York Islanders Coach

Nolan has long maintained that he was blackballed from the NHL after his Sabres stint because of racism.But a CBC report has a differing account of why Nolan was canned: “Rumours surfaced that Nolan was drunk at practices and that he was having affairs with players’ wives. Nolan denied all of this and dismissed it as racist taunts.”

Dominik Hasek

The final straw in Buffalo was when, “Buffalo Sabres star goalie, Dominik Hasek … told a local radio show he did not respect his coach.“Translation: Nolan was sleeping with Hasek’s wife.

That also probably explains one of the (unmentioned) reasons why Don Cherry also refutes Nolan’s racism claims.

It will be interesting to see if HBO and/or Deford broaches the subject, since Nolan’s alleged ultimate betrayal of Hasek has long been one of the biggest open secrets in the NHL.