The discerning reader prefers the news (and most foods) wrapped in bacon and liberally salted with panic. Therefore, we provide your Thursday morning sports-centric swine flu stories to better arm you at the water cooler to pass along the latest gossip mumbled through your faux designer mask:

• Texas has suspended all baseball and softball tournaments, eliminated regional track championships, and otherwise postponed all athletic and academic competitions for public schools until at least May 11th.
• Ditto Alabama.
• Arizona and Illinois (among other states) are monitoring the situation. In other words, both high school sports organizations happen to own televisions, thanks for asking.
• Also in possession of a television for monitoring purposes: the NBA and legendary Dodgers trainer Stan Conte. That’s why he’s the best, ladies and gents.

• NASCAR fans headed to Richmond have been warned that washing hands may be useful. Also, don’t get hit by a car. (By the way, the 17-year-old girl that had her jaw shattered last weekend by Carl Edwards’ car will be fine.)
• The Kentucky Derby has few worries about swine flu, apparently; the head of the Louisville Health Department plainly stated that “I’m going to Derby, and I will not be wearing a mask“.
• The Nationwide Tour postponed its Mexican Open indefinitely.
• Mexico’s soccer leagues told fans to stay home. All the games that would normally be pay-per-view will be free.
• However, Club America (a Mexican side) played the Chicago Fire in Bridgeview, IL, last night with nary a concern. That is, if installing hand sanitizers everywhere was just a promotional stunt. Which it wasn’t.
• One of Mexico’s best soccer players has been effectively quarantined because friends from Mexico visited him in England recently. Also, he might have watched a telenovela.

Whew. That’s a lot of abject terror sensible precaution for one morning. Please add any additional sports-related swine flu stories to the comments below so the few remaining survivors have a record of these final days.

Thankfully, our few remaining moments left as a functional species can be well-represented by the following people tellin’ it like it is and keepin’ it real with the kids, assuming your kids take Don Rickles’ routine at face value:

• Geno Auriemma spoke to the Jewish Federation of Greater Hartford after visiting President Obama earlier this week and explained to the assembled that “… there’s not a lot of difference between Italians and Jewish. Same part of the world and trust me, my mother and every Jewish mother I’ve ever met have a lot of characteristics in common.”
• Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone provided a charming amount of cover fire for Formula One President Max “Springtime for Hitler with Handcuffs” Mosely by suggesting F1 could really grow as a sport if they just had “a female pilot who is black and Jewish.”
• Unfortunately, this theoretical driver wouldn’t be very welcome to an Australian football club’s “All White Night”, complete with a picture of Klansmen on their Web site.

(Emergency vehicle sized appropriately to emergency)

Finally, a false alarm (possibly a fire alarm) in the eighth inning could not shake the New York Yankees from barely holding onto a 8-6 lead at Comerica Park over the Detroit Tigers last night despite holding a 7-1 advantage late in the contest. As Joe Girardi put it, “In this day and age, that’s a little scary.”

Heck, Joe … in this day and age, what isn’t?

And now a hail of bullet points caused by two heroin-slingin’ senior citizen sisters (though you can’t fault them for looking for a new retirement plan these days) …

• Usain Bolt wrecked his Beemer with his brother and “a female companion” inside and would have walked away unscathed, except he hurt his foot stepping out of the car.
• Rashard Lewis has a race horse in the Kentucky Derby this weekend.
• Now Greg Paulus is visiting Nebraska. Charles Kuralt never saw this much of the country.
• A crushing injury in the AFL as the Iowa Barnstormers’ coach couldn’t get off the field fast enough to avoid being gang tackled.
• The New Orleans Hornets have left the playoffs.
• An $85m state surplus could help renovate the Superdome in an attempt to keep the Saints in New Orleans. Except … they have a state surplus in Louisiana?
• Farewell to the excellent NASCAR writer, David Poole, who passed away at age 50 on Tuesday.
• The Detroit Lions’ seventh-round pick holds a serious grudge against all the teams that passed on him. We assume he also holds 6/7ths of a grudge against the Lions themselves.
• Hey, a Peter Warrick sighting!
• Greg Biffle got beat in racing by a girl. Of course, it wasn’t Danica Patrick.
• The Tennessee Titans signed Chris Mortensen’s son as a rookie free agent. Now that’s just smart scouting of media soft spots.

The Atlanta Hawks’ animal mascot (as opposed to its mall & car dealership mascot) couldn’t get settled for Wednesday night’s Game 2 against the Miami Heat. Before each home game, Spirit the Hawk usually swoops across the arena and land with its handler.

Instead, the (Del?) Harris hawk became confused last night and wandered Philips Arena, landing in the stands, above center court, and on a stanchion.

For reasons unclear, they started the game while Spirit stayed loose. However, the game came to a screeching halt a few minutes in when Spirit landed on the backboard camera and Josh Smith excused himself due to winged predators in the field of play. Eventually, Spirit returned to his handler and play continued.

The rest of the Hawks followed suit in avoiding airborne objects for the remainder of the game, allowing Dwyane Wade to divebomb them with 33 points (including six three-pointers) in a 108-93 win to pull even with the Hawks at a game apiece in the seven-game series.

After the game, Hawks management offered Spirit the scorekeeper job; at least he knows where to look for the ball.

In other NBA games last night, Philadelphia lost to Orlando 96-87, New Orleans lost to Denver 108-93, and the Detroit Pistons lost their ability to care.

A flyby of the NBA may be all that underclassmen college basketball players will get next season when they wish to dip their toe in the NBA Draft. The NCAA has taken steps to limit the time non-seniors can even bat an eyelash in the NBA’s direction by declaring for the draft to the length of an eye blink.

Instead of getting approximately six weeks to consult with NBA teams, speak to trusted advisors, and draw out the decision into key segments of the news cycle, players would get around a week’s time, usually during finals. The NCAA wants to protect their franchisees by encouraging the players to stick around longer to increase their marketing value.

Therefore, no one should show surprise when a young man chooses to skip the NCAA for Europe as Brandon Jennings did. Perhaps we should also not feign indignance when the best high school junior in the country, Jeremy Tyler, packs his extra-long jammies (for his 6′11″ frame) and heads to Europe before his senior year of high school.

Long-time watchers of tall young men will recognize the puppeteer behind this latest stress test on the basketball pipeline. Sonny Vaccaro has his hand in this year’s Atlantic leap, just as he did for Jennings last year. Tyler turns 18 in June and will be eligible for the 2011 NBA draft.

We have a suggestion for Tyler to consider when he selects an NBA agent:

The Bird of Prey himself, of course.

And now the hail of bullet points that you successfully survive thanks to your bra …

• A note to Jamaal Tinsley’s family: he’s still alive and collecting paychecks from the Indiana Pacers. However, don’t expect him to receive a uniform any time … ever.
• On the other hand, four CHICAGO TRIBUNE sportswriters can only claim half that Tinsley formula as they’ve been laid off.
• Also, FORBES claims one-third of MLB teams lost value in the last year while the Yankees and Mets gained value in the double-digits. Thus, the lesson MLB has been trying to teach us for thirty years now has been reinforced: The best way to improve franchise value is to convince the locals to give hundreds of millions of dollars for new stadiums. (Oh, except in D.C., which lost 12 percent. Maybe the answer is to bench Elijah Dukes again.)
• Dennis Eckersley wants you to know that Brad Penny’s “a little gay with his cheese”. Depends on what he does with the cheese, Dennis.
• The second death from being struck by a softball/baseball in the Midwest in three days has been reported. First, a 24-year-old Indiana man was hit in the neck by a thrown ball; now a 14-year-old Chicago boy has also died after being struck in the chest.
• Grasshoppers invade Chase Field and demand senior citizen discounts at the gift shop.
• While still in Arizona, it’s nice to see the old Bidwell competency shining through; no one thought to tell the NFL that scheduling their last home game on the last day of the regular season might get them in hot water with the Fiesta Bowl, which kicks off one day later.
• Jason Tyner got traded from the Milwaukee Brewers to the Detroit Tigers for nothing. No cash, no players, no PTBNL. Zilch. Not even a collection of baseball bats, which might be a good thing.
• The Manny Pacquiao bobblehead. Of course.
• The MMA onesie for your newborn. Of course.

• A sad way to start the baseball week: Phillies announcer Harry Kalas & former Tigers pitcher Mark Fidrych both pass away on the same day.

• But it was nice to see Brian Bosworth help save an Oklahoman’s life.

• Wedding bells have rung for a couple of tennis stars: Andy Roddick ties the knot with Brooklyn Decker, while Roger Federer marries his manager.

• Padres pitcher Heath Bell is p.o.’ed about ESPN’s overwhelming coverage of all things Yankees, Mets & Red Sox.

• That stinks: Dwight Howard has a passion for passing gas.

Read more…

• Another sad day for MLB fans. Legendary Phillies announcer Harry Kalas dies after collapsing in the broadcast booth before a game vs. the Nats.

And former Tigers pitcher Mark “The Bird” Fidrych dies while working underneath his pickup truck at his Massachusetts home.

• Brian Bosworth: From Hollywood Harley DUI laughingstock, to home state hero after saving man’s life by performing CPR.

• Another dead goat is found hanging outside Wrigley Field. If it didn’t work in 2007, why would it work now?

• Smokin’ Joe Frazier says God gave Muhammad Ali Parkinson’s disease.

• Masters winner Angel Cabrera owes his success to chewing gum.

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Talk about a depressing week for baseball fans. First Angels pitcher Nick Adenhart is killed in a car crash by a drunk driver leaving the stadium after a start; then early today we learned that legendary voice of Phillies Harry Kalas died after collapsing in the broadcast booth before a game. And now this: the BOSTON GLOBE is reporting that ’70s Tigers pitching phenom Mark Fidrych was killed today when he was crushed by a truck he was working on at his Northborough, Massachusetts, home.

For people who are too young to remember, “The Bird” was the talk of the baseball world in the 1970s, winning the AL Rookie of the Year for the Tigers in 1976 after going 19-9 with a 2.34 ERA. But it wasn’t just Fidrych’s wins that made him special: it was how he got them. He was a fidgety, neurotic mess on the field, making Nomar Garciaparra’s pregame hitting routine seem … well, routine. He also showed a love for the game that bordered on childlike and endured him to millions of fans.

To see for yourself, check out this 1985 profile of Fidrych by Steve Stone after the jump:

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Sure, it won’t directly help sell cars, but Mike Illitch is doing his part to try to help save America’s automakers. The Detroit Tigers owner is refusing to boot General Motors from Comerica Park’s premium advertising space — with GM’s name and cars on a fountain beyond center field — despite the fact that the company can’t make the payments on the original sponsorship deal that landed it the spot in the first place.

(If we’d known it was free, we would have pushed to make it “SportsbyBrooks Fountain.” That has a ring to it, doesn’t it?)

GM had to quit corporate sponsorship of a variety of different sports teams after it received federal funding to help avoid bankruptcy. But, according to BLOOMBERG, the Tigers decided to let GM continue to use the space, which it will share with Chrysler and Ford, for free for the entire 2009 season:

Read more…

At first blush, it seemed like just another ho-hum injury update as spring training winds down: Tigers start season with Joel Zumaya and Dontrelle Willis on disabled list. But while Zumaya’s stint is brought on by a bad shoulder, Willis is on the shelf with an “anxiety disorder.”

(”I’ll tell you what’s crazy–that delivery!” /fakerickreilly’d)

Willis wants fans to know that he hasn’t gone completely crazy or anything like that. We believe him, though we’re not quite sure that his quotes on MLB.COM are going to be a springboard into speaking about psychiatry after his MLB career is over: Read more…

Carter Gaddis, who is currently covering the Tigers for MLIVE.com and is a former Rays beat writer for the TAMPA TRIBUNE, is about as close to a baseball lifer as you can get. He’s been covering the game since 1992, and following major league beats since 2002. Now, he’s dishing about his best bizarre moments on a new tell-all blog, a venture that his employers, MLIVE, may not be completely thrilled about. Why? Because his very first entry involves the visual ambiguity of penises and hot dogs … and a dead man.

(A re-enactment of Jeremi Gonzalez’s shower antics.)

What did Gaddis kick off TAMPA BAY BASEBALL OUTSIDER with? Just a classic tale of the late Jeremi Gonzalez (the one who died after being struck with lightning, not the one who’s first name started with a “G”) trying to get new teammate Adam Piatt to try his “hot dog” as a way of welcoming him to Tampa Bay - all while completely nude, of course.

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Just when you thought the forthcoming goverment economic stimulus seems to be above the board, digging into the funds finds a pretty ridiculous earmark. According to the Detroit development blog MODEL D, a full $3.8 million in the congressional spending bill will go directly to the Old Tiger Stadium Conservancy, a group dedicated entirely to making sure they don’t tear down Tiger Stadium, even though it’s not used as a stadium.

($4M of your tax dollars to preserve this. What about Shea Stadium?)

There’s a raging debate about whether part of the government’s massive economic stimulus package should be used to help save stadium projects aimed at giving teams a new home. The theory is that those construction projects will provide good jobs and resuscitate business in oft underused areas. All of that’s valid for stadiums that will be built. But this is a money for a stadium that’s already been built, and left, by its team. And that team isn’t coming back any time soon.

Read more…

• The ORANGE COUNTY REGISTER hears some sharp words from Pete Carroll over the Raiders firing his former assistant Lane Kiffin: “I couldn’t really be more disappointed for the game of football. I thought today was really a dark moment. To go to that level … hurts football, the NFL and coaching. It wasn’t necessary at all.”

Gee, you’d think Pete was coming off of an upsetting upset to an unranked underdog or something.

• SPORTS CRACKLE POP wants you to help out under-funded schools badly in need of athletic support. If you do, they’ll let you write on their blog!

• DC SPORTS BOG runs up news of the latest trend in marathon bathroom breaks - VIP port-a-potties! (And check out the name of the port-a-potty provider.)

• BUSTED COVERAGE chows down on how Erin Andrews loves to start her mornings when in Tampa: “I always go to Village Inn for breakfast with my dad Steve. I crush the French toast, scrambled eggs and bacon. I’m totally excited for that.”

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