Eckersley Talks Defecation, Masturbation On Air

Don’t live in Boston? I’ll catch you up to speed. No one likes Dennis Eckersley’s color commentary on NESN. He’s filling in while Jerry Remy recovers, and it’s pretty much a train wreck. He’s not particularly knowledgeable, his meandering anecdotes go nowhere, and he’ll out-and-out ignore the action. 

Dennis Eckersley

But we all stop to look at train wrecks, don’t we? He’s the creator of the soon-to-be catchphrase, “he’s a little gay with his cheese.” You really never know what Eck is going to say, and last night he really topped himself twice. Once with a flat-out swear, and once with a not-so-subtle Freudian slip.

Videos after the jump.

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Speed Read: Dwyane Wade Pecks at Your Entrails

The Atlanta Hawks’ animal mascot (as opposed to its mall & car dealership mascot) couldn’t get settled for Wednesday night’s Game 2 against the Miami Heat. Before each home game, Spirit the Hawk usually swoops across the arena and land with its handler.

Instead, the (Del?) Harris hawk became confused last night and wandered Philips Arena, landing in the stands, above center court, and on a stanchion.

Spirit the Hawk of the Atlanta Hawks

For reasons unclear, they started the game while Spirit stayed loose. However, the game came to a screeching halt a few minutes in when Spirit landed on the backboard camera and Josh Smith excused himself due to winged predators in the field of play. Eventually, Spirit returned to his handler and play continued.

The rest of the Hawks followed suit in avoiding airborne objects for the remainder of the game, allowing Dwyane Wade to divebomb them with 33 points (including six three-pointers) in a 108-93 win to pull even with the Hawks at a game apiece in the seven-game series.

After the game, Hawks management offered Spirit the scorekeeper job; at least he knows where to look for the ball.

In other NBA games last night, Philadelphia lost to Orlando 96-87, New Orleans lost to Denver 108-93, and the Detroit Pistons lost their ability to care.

A flyby of the NBA may be all that underclassmen college basketball players will get next season when they wish to dip their toe in the NBA Draft. The NCAA has taken steps to limit the time non-seniors can even bat an eyelash in the NBA’s direction by declaring for the draft to the length of an eye blink.

A pensive Stephen Curry

Instead of getting approximately six weeks to consult with NBA teams, speak to trusted advisors, and draw out the decision into key segments of the news cycle, players would get around a week’s time, usually during finals. The NCAA wants to protect their franchisees by encouraging the players to stick around longer to increase their marketing value.

Therefore, no one should show surprise when a young man chooses to skip the NCAA for Europe as Brandon Jennings did. Perhaps we should also not feign indignance when the best high school junior in the country, Jeremy Tyler, packs his extra-long jammies (for his 6′11″ frame) and heads to Europe before his senior year of high school.

Jeremy Tyler

Long-time watchers of tall young men will recognize the puppeteer behind this latest stress test on the basketball pipeline. Sonny Vaccaro has his hand in this year’s Atlantic leap, just as he did for Jennings last year. Tyler turns 18 in June and will be eligible for the 2011 NBA draft.

We have a suggestion for Tyler to consider when he selects an NBA agent:

David Falk

The Bird of Prey himself, of course.

And now the hail of bullet points that you successfully survive thanks to your bra

Who’s now the most likely to be upset in round one?

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Lee Smith Would Like To Be In The Hall Of Fame

Over the last few years there have been quite a few closers who have been elected into baseball’s Hall of Fame. In 2004 Dennis Eckersley was voted in, and he was followed by Bruce Sutter in 2006 and Goose Gossage in 2008. It’s a pretty remarkable feat for the three of them, as historically, the closer position hasn’t gotten that much love from Hall of Fame voters. Of course while all three of those guys had amazing careers and deserve to be in the Hall of Fame, there is something else they have in common.

None of them have as many career saves as Lee Smith. When Smith retired from the game, he was the all-time leader in saves with 478, and he held on to the record until Trevor Hoffman broke it in 2006. Now most people are saying that Hoffman, along with Yankees closer Mariano Rivera, is a sure thing to enter the Hall after he retires. All of which confuses Smith more and more every year as he sits around and doesn’t get elected.

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Jonathan Papelbon Is A [Expletive] Human Being

Boston 2029 A.D. - The machine rose from the ashes of the nuclear fire. His war to exterminate mankind has raged for decades, but his final battle would not be fought in the future. It would be fought here, in our present. Oops, wait a second, that’s the intro to The Terminator isn’t it? That movie was about machines, and you know who isn’t a machine? Jonathan Papelbon.

papelbon is human

The Boston Red Sox closer has proved as much recently, blowing a save last Tuesday and nearly blowing another one on Sunday. This after he hadn’t allowed a run in 20 1/3 innings during a stretch that lasted from July 21st to September 8th.

Still, his recent struggles have some folks in the Boston media worried about him, and Jonathan’s not too happy about it.  What Jonathan wants to know is, if you prick him, does he not [expletive] bleed?

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