Samantha Steele To Make KU Cakewalk Delicious

• Is there really any reason to watch the Fox College Sports broadcast of Kansas vs. Northern Colorado? Yes - and that reason is Samantha Steele.

Samantha Steele

• It’s bad enough Brett Favre can never decide when to end his career, but does he have to try to end other players’ careers with cheap blocks?

Pacman Jones could be taking off for the Great White North. Winnipeg strip clubs already prepared to “Make it snow!” (It’s too cold for rain.)

• Why did Rich Rodriguez tear up during his recent press conference? Maybe because he’s being sued in a real estate deal gone wrong.

• Golf in England deserves a two-stroke penalty for banning beautiful caddy babes from the courses.

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Vicious Carpet Injuries Leave Lions With One QB

The Detroit Lions are doing their damndest to put last year’s 0-16 abortion of a season behind them, and who can blame them? They fired their coach and GM, redesigned their logo, drafted a franchise QB - in short, they’re trying to leave their culture of losing behind (kinda hard in a city like Detroit, but whatever). So, let’s check in and see how the new-look, facelifted Lions are doing. Unrecognizable from last year? Er…well…

(Daunte Culpepper, seen here being attacked by a mean Berber rug)

We’ll say one thing: QB (and bikini babe magnet) Matt Stafford sure is getting a heck of a lot of snaps in practice. That’s going to help his development down the road. So good on them. But, uh, where are the other QBs? No, really…WHERE DID THEY GO?!

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Expectations Lowered, Lions Lower Ticket Prices

William Clay Ford and the Detroit Lions management finally got one move right. (No, they’ll probably still draft a bust wide receiver.[Actually, we probably can’t make that joke anymore, since Calvin Johnson is the truth.]) They’re bringing down ticket prices.

Ford Field

Considering fans have paid an average of infinity dollars per win this year, and the city of Detroit is being hit particularly hard by the recession, the Lions have announced that they won’t increase ticket prices next year, as is customary. In fact, they’ll actually bring prices down on eight percent of general admission seats. Considering there were more than 10,000 unsold tickets for their home finale last week, this is a sound business move, and will avoid a public relations disaster.

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Lions One Step Closer To Ignominity, Immortality

As PRO FOOTBALL TALK noted earlier, today’s game against the Minnesota Vikings represented the Detroit Lions’ last, best hope for a win this season. And it’s true; Minnesota lost starting QB Gus Frerotte midway through the game, and Detroit led at the ends of the first, second, and third quarters.

Visanthe Shiancoe

But it’s who leads at the end of four quarters that truly matters, of course, and you can imagine how that turned out. Detroit couldn’t answer Minnesota’s last touchdown, a Tarvaris Jackson pass to Visanthe Shiancoe, and Minnesota hung on for a 20-16 victory, running Detroit’s record to 0-13.

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Rams Failing On Totally Epic Level Even For Them

It’s not too often that you can manage to give up eight scores in a single half of football, especially at the NFL level. This isn’t some Washington State-USC game we’re talking about here. The St. Louis Rams somehow won a couple of games this year (including a blowout of the Cowboys), but they’re throwing their hat back into the ring for the title of NFL’s worst team.

Marc Bulger

The Rams turned the ball over four times in the first half, including a play at the end of the first half when they were just trying to run out the clock. After the Jets recovered, Jay Feely kicked his fourth field goal of the half to make it 40-0. 40!  And it could’ve been worse, if the Rams defense hadn’t manned up and stalled three New York drives.

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Speed Read: Are Titans The Worst 8-0 Team Ever?

Sure, it’s like talking about the least attractive supermodel you’ve had sex with or the dumbest brain surgeon. But after years of promising starts by dominant teams like the Colts and Patriots, maybe it’s time to turn to the Tennessee Titans, halfway to perfection, and just ask, “Really? You guys are the best team in the NFL?” Because it sure seems like of all the 8-0 teams the NFL has seen throughout the years, they’re the least impressive and the most unlikely to win the Super Bowl.

Dumb brain surgeon

(Without question, the dumbest brain surgeon alive. Sure hope you don’t have an appointment with him tomorrow.)

Seriously, who have they beaten? Divisional juggernauts Indianapolis and Jacksonville, yes, but they are both on down years. The only team they’ve played with a winning record is the 5-3 Baltimore Ravens, who they edged 13-10 in Week 5.

Look at this team. Just LOOK at them. Kerry freaking Collins is their quarterback. Collins’ passer rating rivals that of the Lions’ QBs and the leading receiver is tight end Bo Scaife with 344 yards. Maybe after all these inexplicable stats, this is just another Jeff Fisher-led team where the breaks are going their way. Remember that Fisher once led the Titans to the playoffs without a single player being named to the Pro Bowl. Even the corps that play amazing are still under the radar, like running back Chris “Who?” Johnson, who leads the AFC in rushing yards (with no lost fumbles). Or the defense, which gives up less than 13 points a game, almost a field goal less than the next best team, the Buccaneers. Quick, name two defenders off the top of your head. BZZT. Thanks for playing.

So they’re just a tough, small-market football team that always plays well and is just over-performing a little bit. Good for them, but it’s not like an 8-0 start from the Colts or the Patriots, because then we’d be talking about them.

Peyton Manning and Bob Sanders

So now let’s talk about them. After all, neither of those teams are far from perfect. In fact, they may not even be the second, or third, or even the fourth best teams in the AFC. New England notched their third loss with an 18-15 defeat to Indianapolis on Sunday Night Football, evening Indy’s record at 4-4. This is the definition of parity. The previous two champions are a combined 9-7 at the halfway point. And what kind of final score is 18-15 for two prominent teams? 18-15 is the final score for a couple of rural Wyoming high school football teams where the graduating class is about 50.

Pat Gillick

“Woo! World f%cking champions! Burn stuff and throw other stuff that isn’t burning!” Once the debris is swept off the streets and the Phillies faithful wake up from their happy drunken nap, they’ll soon notice their GM Pat Gillick got dressed, exited the bedroom, and left a “I’ll Always Love You” note on the nightstand. He was always a gentle lover. Ruben Amaro will be his replacement as general manager.

The Phillies would love to have him back, but really, it should just be a rule that if you’re the GM of a team that wins the World Series, you should just retire on the spot, because there’s not much else you can do. Nobody repeats anymore, and even if someone will, the Philharmonics are not the kind of team that will. So it’s probably best that Gillick, after giving a city a badly needed championship, ride into the sunset much like the mysterious gunman Shane.

Tom Amstutz

It’s also time to say farewell to another face, but not for the same joyous reason:

  • Goodbye, Tom Amstutz. The TOLEDO BLADE reports that the beloved rotund football coach for the Toledo Rockets will be stepping down from the position. After a great stretch of success in the early 2000s with four bowl games, Amstutz’s teams have underperformed as of late despite a seismic victory over Michigan a few weeks ago. With him gone, who else will be in Mark Mangino’s weight class?
  • Michael Rosenberg of the DETROIT FREE PRESS hikes up news that the winless Lions suddenly have a QB controversy between Dan Orlovsky and the newly-inked Daunte Culpepper. This should be fun, if not for Lions fans, then for the rest of the world. After all, Scott Mitchell is not walking through that door. (They changed the locks.)
  • Wrigley Field didn’t have any planned expansions this offseason, but something in their stadium expanded by exactly one blue tile. It appears the “Eamus Catuli” sign was updated to read “AC0063100.” That’s zero years since their last division title, 63 years since their last World Series, and 100 since their last championship. The “AC” is for former Lakers forward A.C. Green, but nobody knows why. So here’s a picture:

    Eamus Catuli AC0063100

    As spoken by HOME RUN DERBY, who I think we can credit with the photo, “00-63-100 might be the worst measurements in the history of measurements.”

  • Ken Griffey, Jr. back with the Mariners? The SEATTLE TIMES says he’d be cool with that.
  • DAWG SPORTS tries to cope with Georgia’s 49-10 loss to Florida in many different ways…
  • …while Texas Tech, fresh off a dramatic win over No. 1 Texas, is the latest campus to fall victim to the cold, douchebaggardly, and illegal method of selling counterfeit tickets to unsuspecting marks. About 500 people bought fake tickets, many at about $200 each. Oh, and guess what? They have another home Top 10 showdown this Saturday against Oklahoma State. From now on, don’t buy any tickets that look like they were printed on the reverse side of AIG stock.
  • It really wasn’t a great day in Texas for everyone. Jimmie Johnson’s points lead was slashed dramatically in NASCAR’s Sprint Cup Chase from 183 to 106 with a 15th place finish, and the FORT WORTH STAR TELEGRAM was there. Carl Edwards, who trails the defending champion Johnson by a still-huge margin, won the Dickies 500 at Texas Speedway. Maybe Edwards should start to try and twist in his flips.
  • Just so everyone’s clear, not everything reported in Russia is accurate. The Toronto Maple Leafs are good, but the TORONTO STAR explains they’re not trade-for-Ilya Kovalchuk good. Leafs GM Cliff Fletcher had to dispel a rumor started by the Russian newspaper SPORTS EXPRESS DAILY who said the Leafs were the front runners to acquire the disgruntled star. So much for Russian spies.
  • And finally, to prove how naughty the world has been, interim 49ers coach Mike Singletary says he’s going to scale back his rants from “amphetamine-induced” to “interim head coach intensity.” What did we do to have this taken away from us? Was it the jokes at the expense of a perfectly competent brain surgeon? Because I regret nothing.

Alabama, Penn State, and Texas Tech go undefeated. Who do you leave out of a BCS championship game?

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The Chiefs Are Interested In Daunte Culpepper

The Kansas City Chiefs have used a lot of different quarterbacks this season.   They started off with Brodie Croyle, but since Brodie appears to be made out of rubber bands and popsicle sticks, he can’t go longer than five plays without breaking something.  Croyle returned to the field on Sunday after missing the Chiefs last four games with a seperated shoulder, and promptly hurt his left knee and is now out for the season.

Damon Huard came in to replace him, but since he’s all old and brittle, he had to leave the game as well with an injury to his throwing hand.   That leaves the team with Tyler Thigpen, and even though Tyler’s general lack of football ability fits in well with what the Chiefs seem to be doing, the team has decided it’s time to look at some outside options.

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Unimpressed With Cassel, Porter Predicts Fins Win

Wait, Joey Porter’s still in the league? Huh, I thought he had retired, or been abducted by aliens or some such because he’s been keeping a low profile since the Steelers released him following the 2006 season.

Joey Porter

That might have everything to do with his new team, the Miami Dolphins, and their jaw-droppingly awful 1-15 record last year. Such futility quiets even the loudest trash talkers, and apparently, that’s exactly what has happened to J. Peezy. Until now, anyhow. With Tom Brady done for the year, Porter is seizing on what he perceives is a golden opportunity for the Dolphins to turn things around. Yep, he’s smacking his gums about Matt Cassel, and even hints at a Miami victory this weekend.

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A-Rod Proud Recipient of 1st Instant Replay Ruling

• Instant replay in Major League Baseball is used for the first time - for the player we all know it was designed for.

Alex Rodriguez leaning

• Pretending to be Joba Chamberlain can score you some free bagels - and free accommodations at the local jail.

• The next evolution in sports - Pigskin … In … Spaaaaaace!

• The Florida Marlins can only reel in 600 fans for Wednesday’s game. Even the Jupiter Hammerheads can get more butts in the seats.

• NBA rookies Mario Chalmers & Darrell Arthur face suspensions because of pot possession. Chalmers’ response: “SKINNERRRRRR!”

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Culpepper Can’t Capture A QB Job, Calls It Quits

Daunte Culpepper has announced that he’s retiring from the NFL after nine seasons, and at the age of 31.

The reason behind Daunte’s decision to hang them up is that he can’t find a job in the NFL, or at least, not one that he deems worthy of him. Apparently the man who took the NFL by storm in 2000 with the Minnesota Vikings and had many thinking he would revolutionize the way the quarterback position is played, still thinks he’s the greatest quarterback of all time.

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