The 58th All-Star game is in the books, and the West absolutely destroyed the East, 146-117. At one point, it was 20-8 in favor of the East All-Stars before Kobe Bryant led the West on a 19-0 run, and the Westies never looked back. It’s hard to imagine what was the better Shaquille O’Neal highlight: going between Dwight Howard’s legs for the give-and-go with Chris Paul, or the entrance with that “Jabbawockeez” dance group that’s inexplicably* all over the TV these days. Here’s that intro (thanks, BALL DON’T LIE).

Shaq and Kobe shared the MVP award, which seemed fitting. Kobe tossed in the most points on the night (27), which is usually an automatic win, but Shaq was both far more efficient (17 points on 8-9 shooting in only 11 minutes) and entertaining; this might be the Big Aristotle’s last All-Star game, so he made it count last night.

At some point, with all the ACC losses piling up, you’d think it would no longer be fun or newsworthy to point out another Duke loss. You’d think that, but you’d be very wrong. After having their asses handed to them by UNC last week, the Blue Devils went to the Silvio O. Conte Forum to face a Boston College team that hadn’t beaten Duke in 24 years. Bounce back for the Blue Devils against an unrated BC team?

 Err, not exactly. Duke led 37-32 at the break, but the Golden Eagles came alive in the second half, ringing up 48 points in those 20 minutes against the vaunted Blue Devil defense. Senior leader Tyrese Rice drops 21, 6, and 6, Joe Trapani chips in 20 more, 80-74 is your final, and Duke is now 7-4 in the ACC. Dick Vitale must be inconsolable.

Let’s say you find yourself in the middle of Scotland with a dildo in my mouth. I mean your mouth. Anyway, let’s move on. Stuart Slann, a married 39-year-old Manchester United fan from Sheffield (this is all in England, in case you couldn’t tell), met “Emma,” a sexy babe who was also a ManU fan on Facebook, and the two hit it off. One problem: Emma, as you’ve already guessed, did not and does not actually exist, but Stuart didn’t find that out until driving 400 miles north and receiving a rather unfortunate phone call. Oh, and as we mentioned before, Emma really wanted to see a dildo in Slann’s mouth, so now… whoops.

(This image is in no way modified to remove the sex toy. He was just eating corn. That’s all.)

UNPROFESSIONAL FOUL has the uncensored video, which is just basically some text, 2 minutes of the uncensored version of the picture above, and - as far as we can tell - rampant profanity (they’re Scottish, so who can tell).  As you can guess, Slann’s wife wasn’t very pleased, and the two have now split. Oof. This never happens to Pompey fans. Just sayin’.

Some more quick hits while you’re getting your grind on in the principal’s office…

• Marshawn Lynch faces felony gun charges after police found a loaded handgun in his car. Honestly, as long as he’s not shooting a bouncer at a strip club or shooting himself in the leg, I think the NFL’s making progress here. They might even be gun-free by 204never.
• Seriously, what could you possibly do with Lance Armstrong’s stolen bike? Pawn it?
• The Pittsburgh Penguins are one coach lighter: Michel Therrien axed after Pittsburgh’s waxed by the freaking Maple Leafs. Shouldn’t it be “Maple Leaves”? What the hell.
• According to the CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE, former Iowa State head coach and current national champion Florida assistant coach Dan McCarney’s daughter was arrested for assaulting a police officer in Iowa City. The details, which include the ever-popular “MY LAST NAME IS MCCARNEY,” are golden.
• You know why the dunk contest sucked this year? No Guy Dupuy, who’s probably the most vicious dunking Frenchman in history (can we get him to posterize Frederic Weis? Wouldn’t that be fitting?). Make that happen in 2010, NBA. Even T.O. knows it’s over.

• Fraud-Roid (or whatever the NEW YORK POST is calling A-Rod these days) is sorry he called the SI reporter, Selena Roberts, a stalker. He even called her to personally apologize, which would have been very big of him had he not started the call with “Hey you f*cking c*nt…”
• There had been no shark attacks on Australia’s Bondi Beach in 80 years. Humans thought they were safe. Sharks thought they were due.
• David Beckham will be returning to the LA Galaxy this season. Still no word on when wife Victoria returns to her home in the Bleeblarp Galaxy.

(What the hell.)

• Joe Torre tries the Jedi Mind Trick on Manny Ramirez, telling reporters “I definitely would be very surprised if he’s not a Dodger,” then when pressed admitting that’s just because it’s what Torre wants. Knowing Manny, there’s a chance this might actually work.
• San Diego pitcher Heath Bell’s secret to losing weight? The Wii Fit. The Padres’ S&C coach is giving you the finger as hard as he can, Heath.
• For whatever reason, some reporter actually asked Allen Iverson if he was going to heaven or hell. How he didn’t end up quoting that 2pac poster that everyone in the world had 10-15 years ago is beyond me. But it’s wrong anyway, because now SbB readers can judge Alley I too…

*Yes, I know they won that thing on TV. That doesn’t make it okay.