Sports Guys Ads Help Nutri-System Lose $500M

Last week publicly-traded Nutri-System reported quarterly results to investors and, unlike the waistlines of its sports celebrity pitchmen, company profits have slimmed considerably. In the past quarter (three months), the value of the company’s stock has declined by 52%, equaling a $500 million dollar loss.

Chris Berman Nutri-System Ad Shoot

(For $500M, could they have lost the Men’s Wearhouse?)

Last Tuesday afternoon, the stock fell 16% in just a few minutes following an earnings report that included a prediction from company executives that declining sales were not expected to improve anytime soon. Previously, the company had predicted significant profits for the first quarter of ‘10, only to fall considerably short.

So as the economy slowly improves, why do Nutri-System losses continue to pile up? From what the company indicated last week, marketing expenditures are the culprit.

Nutri-System shoot with Dan Marino

(Patronizing your own Hooters casino steakhouse will do that)

In other words, Nutri-System as a company has lost half its value in the past three months in part because of an overextended ad campaign featuring Don Shula, Dan Marino, Chris Berman and (previously) Mike Golic, among others.

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Video: Dan Marino Drops S-Bomb On Live CBS TV

While doing Dolphins-Bucs highlights today on CBS TV, Dan Marino accidentally dropped an s-bomb: “The Dolphins finish the sh– off.

Dan Marino Inside The NFL Freakout

Knowing that Dan is in the efforting Hall of Fame, this is no time to hate.

Video of today’s slip after break. Read more…

Enjoy A Mouthful Of John Elway’s Nude Cocktail

Alcohol marketing and sex have been, um, bedfellows for decades. It makes sense, seeing as how alcohol has spurred at least 88% of the nation’s pregnancies, according to figures we just made up. But generally, the marketing is geared toward men, since men are visual creatures. Ones who like boobies, usually.

Nude Vodka
(This vodka may taste like unleaded gasoline, but if you’re looking at the bottle, you probably won’t notice or care.)

So it makes sense, then, that one alcohol company - the particularly unsubtle “Nude Spirits,” as you can probably tell, has hired an athlete to help push their product into you. Not sexually, just by way of ingestion. Pervert. So who’s going to be ramming the cocktail down your throat until your gag reflex gives out? John Elway, ladies and gentlemen!

Wait, what? Read more…

Pats P.O.’ed Over Shirts Celebrating Brady Bruiser

When death and destruction rain down, you just know someone’s going to find a way to exploit it shamelessly for profit: It’s the American way. So it’s not surprising that the entrepreneurial spirit hit after Tom Brady got knocked out for the year. In this case, it’s a little company called Believe Merch, who are printing out “Bernard Pollard Fan Club” T-shirts.

Bernard Pollard fan club T-shirt

Pollard - who’s actual nickname is “The Bonecrusher” - is the young tyke who ran into Tom Brady’s leg last week, ending his, the Patriots, and about 5 million fantasy team seasons in the process.

And as you can imagine, certain members of the Pats aren’t too pleased with the tees. (That totally rhymes!)

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Marino Sees Canada As Market For NFL, Isotoners

The fact that the Buffalo Bills want to move to Toronto is one of the NFL’s most poorly kept secrets. Why else would the team be playing eight games there over the next five years? While the viability of an NFL team in CFL territory (where the fields are bigger, the slot receivers more in motion, and fourth down is fiction) is questioned by some, count Dan Marino as a believer. TSN.COM reports that the Ray Finkle hater says an NFL team could work in Toronto.

Isotoner

Of course, he could see how that could be bad if it was competition for Buffalo. And he wouldn’t want to Bills to leave Buffalo, either. But other than that, it might work. It’s just that sort of in-depth, hard-hitting analysis that he brought to Inside the NFL.

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Blog Jam: Sexy Synch Swimmers Not At Olympics?

• WITH LEATHER is sad to discover that Bia & Branca Feres, the similarly sexy synchronized swimmers from Brazil, aren’t on any Olympic roster.

Bia & Branca Feres

• DEADSPIN feels a great disturbance in the Force, as the Death Star makes a cameo at the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies.

• Now that Dan Marino has declined to go Dancing With The Stars, NEXT ROUND taps up a list of 11 former athletes they’d like to see on the show.

• ESPN’S NFL NATION finds ex-collegiate skiing star Jeremy Bloom trying to slalom his way to a Steelers roster spot.

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LeBron Would Play In Europe If The Price Is Right

LeBron James would leave the NBA & play in Europe, all for a yearly salary of only … 50 MILLION DOLLARS! (raises pinky to corner of mouth)

Dr. Evil LeBron James

Prince Fielder is sorry for brawling with Brewers teammate Manny Parra, but isn’t sorry for the kind of competitor he is.

Tiger Woods, the world’s #1 golfer, is having problems going number 1.

• On the heels of Manny Ramirez joining the Dodgers, laundromats in the L.A. area have been inundated with lost red socks.

Carson Palmer is confident the Bengals will win the AFC North.

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Dan Marino To Put On Dancing Shoes, Laces Out

Now that Brett Favre has gone and broken just about every one of his “unbreakable” passing records, Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino will try to satisfy his craving for the spotlight by appearing in next season’s run of “Dancing with the Stars”.

A youthful Dan Marino

According to the PALM BEACH POST, the man who holds the record for most, uh … passing yards in a season(?) will follow Jason Taylor to become the second consecutive Miami Dolphin to take off his cleats and strap on some dancing shoes.

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Bosworth Saves Lives; Marino Out of “Inside” Job

Dan Patrick & Keith Olbermann - together again, Sundays this fall on NBC!

Brian Bosworth is back in the news, and it’s for a noble deed indeed.

Brian Bosworth Seahawks helmet backward

• Those appearing on Showtime’s new version of “Inside the NFL”, please step forward. Whoa, not so fast, Dan Marino.

Chipper Jones apparently isn’t well known in “American Idol” circles.

Lou Holtz’s friendship with the dearly(?) departed Jesse Helms may have cost the coach his Arkansas job.

Jason Peter’s new book details a football life of drugs, hookers and attempted suicide - which makes for some great summer reading!

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Dan Marino Dropped From New ‘Inside The NFL’

Michael Hiestand of USA TODAY reports that Dan Marino is out as panelist on Showtime’s new version of “Inside The NFL.”

Dan Marino Inside The NFL Freakout

The new roundtable of the former NFL show will instead feature Phil Simms, Cris Collinsworth and host James Brown. Read more…