Alcohol marketing and sex have been, um, bedfellows for decades. It makes sense, seeing as how alcohol has spurred at least 88% of the nation’s pregnancies, according to figures we just made up. But generally, the marketing is geared toward men, since men are visual creatures. Ones who like boobies, usually.

(This vodka may taste like unleaded gasoline, but if you’re looking at the bottle, you probably won’t notice or care.)

So it makes sense, then, that one alcohol company - the particularly unsubtle “Nude Spirits,” as you can probably tell, has hired an athlete to help push their product into you. Not sexually, just by way of ingestion. Pervert. So who’s going to be ramming the cocktail down your throat until your gag reflex gives out? John Elway, ladies and gentlemen!

Wait, what? Read more…

When death and destruction rain down, you just know someone’s going to find a way to exploit it shamelessly for profit: It’s the American way. So it’s not surprising that the entrepreneurial spirit hit after Tom Brady got knocked out for the year. In this case, it’s a little company called Believe Merch, who are printing out “Bernard Pollard Fan Club” T-shirts.

Pollard - who’s actual nickname is “The Bonecrusher” - is the young tyke who ran into Tom Brady’s leg last week, ending his, the Patriots, and about 5 million fantasy team seasons in the process.

And as you can imagine, certain members of the Pats aren’t too pleased with the tees. (That totally rhymes!)

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The fact that the Buffalo Bills want to move to Toronto is one of the NFL’s most poorly kept secrets. Why else would the team be playing eight games there over the next five years? While the viability of an NFL team in CFL territory (where the fields are bigger, the slot receivers more in motion, and fourth down is fiction) is questioned by some, count Dan Marino as a believer. TSN.COM reports that the Ray Finkle hater says an NFL team could work in Toronto.

Of course, he could see how that could be bad if it was competition for Buffalo. And he wouldn’t want to Bills to leave Buffalo, either. But other than that, it might work. It’s just that sort of in-depth, hard-hitting analysis that he brought to Inside the NFL.

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• WITH LEATHER is sad to discover that Bia & Branca Feres, the similarly sexy synchronized swimmers from Brazil, aren’t on any Olympic roster.

• DEADSPIN feels a great disturbance in the Force, as the Death Star makes a cameo at the Beijing Olympics opening ceremonies.

• Now that Dan Marino has declined to go Dancing With The Stars, NEXT ROUND taps up a list of 11 former athletes they’d like to see on the show.

• ESPN’S NFL NATION finds ex-collegiate skiing star Jeremy Bloom trying to slalom his way to a Steelers roster spot.

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• LeBron James would leave the NBA & play in Europe, all for a yearly salary of only … 50 MILLION DOLLARS! (raises pinky to corner of mouth)

• Prince Fielder is sorry for brawling with Brewers teammate Manny Parra, but isn’t sorry for the kind of competitor he is.

• Tiger Woods, the world’s #1 golfer, is having problems going number 1.

• On the heels of Manny Ramirez joining the Dodgers, laundromats in the L.A. area have been inundated with lost red socks.

• Carson Palmer is confident the Bengals will win the AFC North.

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Now that Brett Favre has gone and broken just about every one of his “unbreakable” passing records, Hall of Fame quarterback Dan Marino will try to satisfy his craving for the spotlight by appearing in next season’s run of “Dancing with the Stars”.

According to the PALM BEACH POST, the man who holds the record for most, uh … passing yards in a season(?) will follow Jason Taylor to become the second consecutive Miami Dolphin to take off his cleats and strap on some dancing shoes.

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Dan Patrick & Keith Olbermann - together again, Sundays this fall on NBC!

• Brian Bosworth is back in the news, and it’s for a noble deed indeed.

• Those appearing on Showtime’s new version of “Inside the NFL”, please step forward. Whoa, not so fast, Dan Marino.

• Chipper Jones apparently isn’t well known in “American Idol” circles.

• Lou Holtz’s friendship with the dearly(?) departed Jesse Helms may have cost the coach his Arkansas job.

• Jason Peter’s new book details a football life of drugs, hookers and attempted suicide - which makes for some great summer reading!

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Michael Hiestand of USA TODAY reports that Dan Marino is out as panelist on Showtime’s new version of “Inside The NFL.”

The new roundtable of the former NFL show will instead feature Phil Simms, Cris Collinsworth and host James Brown. Read more…

• SONS OF STEVE GARVEY tosses out some fun photos of Jackie Chan kickin’ it with the Dodgers.

• STEROID NATION comes across strange news of Chinese authorities reportedly testing performance-enhancing drugs on prisoners, and somehow hoping the results can help disqualify Western athletes & give more medals to China.

• DEUCE OF DAVENPORT passes along news that Dan Marino will be giving this year’s commencement speech for the University of Pittsburgh.

• JOE SPORTS FAN can’t find any relief, as this Wrigley visitor decides to turn a urine trough into a Slip ‘n’ Slide.

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We offer evidence of another pumped-up day in the world of sports:

• Topps shows what a bunch of cards they are by inserting Rudy Guiliani into the Red Sox’s World Series celebration:

• HBO is cancelling “Inside The NFL”, denying us the chance to see more manic Marino tantrums.

• Jeremy Shockey has better things to do than attend some silly Super Bowl parade.

• Terrelle Pryor said he wouldn’t choose his school on Wednesday, but others are trying to make the choice for him.

• Pedro Martinez & Juan Marichal do enjoy themselves a good cockfight:

(Pedro handling his cock before the big fight)

• True to his word, Shaq doesn’t let Steve Nash down.

• Like the SEC gals and Big East boys, the Green Bay Packers experience their own teleconferencing fun.

• ESPN needs to hire a spellchecker for the “PTI” graphics guys.