Speed Read: Another Violent Day in LA’s Paradise

The baseball day in Los Angeles started on a solemn note Monday when the Dodgers held two moments of silence for fallen comrades in arms during Chavez Ravine’s opening day Monday (before a third passed later in the day).

Dodger Stadium tributes to Nick Adenhart and Harry Kalas

(Pictures from 710 AM ESPN’s Beto Duran)

By the end of the game (an 11-1 pounderation of the San Francisco Giants, who could not devise a hacky time travel solution with the USS Enterprise despite the cross-promotional gold), the area around Dodger Stadium hosted numerous instances of disrespect to human life through stabbings, gun-waving, fights involving dozens of people, and the stray auto accident.

Of course, we would never draw a correlation between the drop in beer prices at Dodger Stadium and violence around the ballpark. After all, fan-on-fan violence is still seemingly less likely than vendor-on-vendor violence or security-on-fan violence. The relative safety of MLB.com’s At Bat iPhone app is looking better all the time, especially now that it works occasionally.

Another object d’mocktastery best safely seen from a distance that works only occasionally: Isiah Thomas. He’s apparently found a reason to leave the house as Florida International University has shown interest in hiring him as their basketball head coach.

Isiah Thomas suit

(”Look! Look up at that paragraph! It says that someone wants me!  Do you see that?”)

FIU has found a certain comfort level with losing (five straight seasons) and could certainly use the limelight brought by a famous coach. Perhaps Isiah’s excited because he thinks he can ply his trade in a different country unfamiliar with his sordid past. (That’s what the “International” stands for, right?)

Another gentleman of leisure being paid by an NBA team to go away but still looking for a new home will also have to find a new place of leisure as well. At least two of Detroit’s casinos (current count: 439280410) have reportedly tossed Allen Iverson out on his ear for “boorish behavior”, including bodyguard-related scuffling, pouting after a loss, and being generally churlish.

Allen Iverson golfs

(There’s always golf to ruin one’s forced retirement)

So kudos to the MGM Casino and the Greektown Casino for standing up to Allen Iverson’s shenanigans after he’s left town and will likely never return unless absolutely forced to by contract. Also, way to leak the information once the coast is clear.

We once spotted AI in the Omni Hotel in Atlanta, taking over a section of  the open-air lounge and bar to play cards in the late afternoon with his buddies. He did not order from the bar; instead, he had the bellboy bring his crew a beat-up old cooler filled with their own special reserve.

We did not get a chance to see his favorite drink, but we bet he could get it for 25% less this season at Dodger Stadium. Better bring the bodyguards to carry the overflow.

And now our riot police-approved hail of rubber bullets reinforced by the near-certainty there are relatively few industries interested in “boy whisperers”

Which team is the best in all baseball after one week?

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Rangers & Stars Owner Can’t Pay $525M In Loans

It was reported Friday by a website called FINALTERNATIVES that Tom Hicks‘  holding company that owns the Texas Rangers and Dallas Stars defaulted on $525 million in loans, but there was no independent confirmation.

Tom Hicks

Well, there’s confirmation now, and Hicks says that not only has his company defaulted on the loans, but he did it on purpose in order to renegotiate the terms of the loans. Somehow, Hicks maintains that none of this will affect any of his teams in any way, even as word has leaked out that he’s attempting to sell minority stakes in his team.

Hicks of course is well-known for signing Alex Rodriguez to a 10-year, $252 million contract that resulted in the Rangers still sucking and Hicks having to ship A-Rod out of town three years into the deal.

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Boat Recovered & 1 Rescued, NFLers Still Missing

• The boat carrying missing NFLers Corey Smith & Marquis Cooper has been found, and one survivor was rescued. However, the two players and another passenger still haven’t been found.

Corey Smith Marquis Cooper

• Does Bill Belichick treat all his ex-assistants-turned-NFL-head-coaches the same way?

• Speaking of, Eric Mangini is making drastic changes with the Browns - such as moving the video room up one floor at a cost of $500,000.

• DC Comics’ lawyers come down faster than a speeding bullet on the NBA for marketing “Krypto-Nate” T-shirts without their permission.

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Stars’ Ott Suspended Indefinitely For Eye Gouging

Dallas Stars forward Steve Ott has been suspended indefinitely by the National Hockey League for his immediate post-game attack against Travis Moen of the Anaheim Ducks.

Steve Ott Dallas Stars

According to REUTERS CANADA, after the final whistle of Saturday’s 4-3 win by Anaheim in Dallas, Ott became involved in fisticuffs with a gaggle of the Ducks, including Moen - whom Ott apparently attempted to gouge the eye of. Video of the fracas after the jump.
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Teeing Off Can Totally Terrorize Your Eardrums

• A new study has revealed that hitting golf balls can make you go deaf.

Tiger Woods angry

At least Tiger Woods wouldn’t be bothered by photographers anymore.

• Speaking with ESPN’s Chris Mortensen is a privilege, not a right.

• Secret camera captures soccer club employee stealing over 2,000 jerseys for fun & profit.

• It wasn’t a good weekend to be a good basketball team.

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SbB Caption Contest: Canuck Cleared For Takeoff

Hey, readers. Hope you had a fun & frivolous weekend. But now it’s time to slide along another exciting edition of the SbB Clever Caption Contest!

Today we feature Kyle Wellwood of the Vancouver Canucks getting some major air over Marty Turco of the Dallas Stars:

Kyle Wellwood Canucks Marty Turco Stars

But how would you describe this soaring scene? Submit your suggestions into the comments section listed below. Winner will be announced in the end-of-the-day recap, with an option to purchase some highly (in)valuable Phoenix Coyotes stock.

Good luck & good writing! But don’t get yourself airsick!

NHL’s Site Has Bikini Girls Hanging Out On Yacht

In the ever-changing world of decency, the people who brought you the absolutely riveting “Making of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Calendar” TV special bring you this, via hockey blog THE POWER PLAY: A bunch of Dallas Stars ice girls on a yacht, for no apparent reason except, of course, that they look really, really, really good in bikinis.

Dallas Stars Ice Girls on Yacht

(Girls with less coverage than a Stars-Preds telecast on Versus)

That, friends, is more than enough reason for us. You should have been sold on the headline alone. It’s a pretty ridiculous piece of psuedo-lingerie propaganda, and we say propaganda with good reason: It’s on both the official NHL site and the Stars site itself, where each team member has her own individual video (not to mention the “team-building outing to Chipotle”). Oh but wait: There’s more! Scintillating quotes! (and be sure to click through … there’s video after the jump)

From ice girl Phoenix (yes, that’s really her name): “This year there’s more girls, there’s more to do and I think the fans are going to go nuts.”

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Sean Avery Permanently Fired By Former Roomie

Sean Avery’s been in a lot of hot water lately, for good reason. After all, you can’t just go and drop bombs about “sloppy seconds” on the American and Canadian public and expect to get away with it Scot free. Still, he probably didn’t see this coming: Avery is done with the Dallas Stars, and the man to make it official was an old friend, former teammate turned Stars co-GM Brett Hull.

avery puck face

(If he’d just left it in there, he’d still be employed.)

As of this afternoon, Avery was officially cut loose from Dallas, though no one has any idea how exactly that’s going to work. Avery was just 23 games into a massive four-year, $15.5 million deal with the Stars when NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman laid the smack down and sent him to the showers for six games. While Dallas didn’t announce any additional punishment at the time, the maelstrom of media discontent over Avery’s comments since clearly made his continuing in Texas a bit hard to stomach, for everyone involved.

Still, the strangest aspect of Avery’s dismissal may be the very public involvement of Dallas GM Brett Hull, who is a former teammate of Avery’s in 2001-2002 in Detroit. How close were they? About as close as two hockey players can get: They were roomates. In fact, Hull took the young Avery under his wing as a mentor, and that was believed to be part of the motivation for Avery heading from the northeast down to one of the NHL’s southernmost outposts over the offseason. After all, if a kid-Avery could live in Hull’s home — and he did as a rookie — than how could he possibly burn him as a pro?

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Avery Pelts Preds Fan With Perverted Penalty Talk

Joey Porter may be trying to make a case as the official motormouth of the NFL, but he has nothing on the loathsome linguistic skills of Sean Avery.

Sean Avery Dallas Stars

You may question whether or not Avery’s “sloppy seconds” remark really merited the nasty NHLer an indefinite suspension. But it seems that Sean’s cutting comments regarding ex-girlfriend Elisha Cuthbert and her current beau Dion Phaneuf was nothing compared to the verbal sparring he previously shared with a 59-year-old female fan.

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Fighting Season Begins, Hockey Game Breaks Out

The offseason gives hockey players much-needed rest, but it also builds up aggression in some that only the start of the season can release. Witness the Columbus Blue Jackets’ Jared Boll and the Dallas Stars’ Krys Barch going toe to toe last night, in a rematch of their brawl in January.

Jared Boll Fights Krys Barch

 According to the COLUMBUS DISPATCH:

Boll wasn’t able to fight during the preseason because of a broken right hand he suffered playing shinny in the summer, and the feisty Blue Jackets forward struggled with it mentally.

Now that’s a man’s man’s man. (Video of the fight is after the jump.)

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