Test Positive For Cocaine? Blame It On The Booze

Cyclist Tom Boonen, whom you’ve probably never heard of before, has a bit of a cocaine problem. Or so he’s told, anyway; he can’t quite remember. That’s because for as substantial a problem as three positive tests for cocaine goes, it’s the method by which he got to that drug usage that’s the bigger problem: sweet mama booze!

Tom Boonen Cyclist
(He also appears to be a world champion crotchman, which is the only reason we could imagine why he’d be dressed like that.)

Yes, it appears that Boonen isn’t necessarily copping to knowingly using cocaine in the instances where he tested positive (only two of which broke cycling rules; the third came during the off-season, where it’s actually not illegal to test positive for the booger sugar). He is copping to getting so drunk he doesn’t remember what he did, then having cocaine in his system, so we can probably do the math on this one.

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Coked-Up Tennis Player Not Guilty Of Coking Up

It’s not every day that we can say we’re truly thrilled to bring you news regarding athletes and banned substances. Sure, Manny’s fertility drug test was rather giggle-worthy and Jeremy Mayfield’s ongoing meth saga has been amusing, but even those were ultimately just another story about another cheating player and a poorly-written testing policy. But today? Today is something special, folks.

Richard Gasquet

(That’s him on the left, not doing coke.)

We’re proud to announce that French tennis player Richard Gasquet has been exonerated and reinstated to the pro tennis tour after testing positive for cocaine back in May. How, you ask? Was he the victim of a tainted sample or a badly-administered test? Well, no. It was the stripper’s fault, you see. It’s always the stripper’s fault.

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Quincy Carter Only Wants $5 Million From Dallas

We’ve documented the troubles that have befallen Quincy Carter over the years, not to heap scorn upon him but to highlight the difficulties and pains of making it as a quarterback in a world that, for some weird reason, looks down on drug addicts. We’re with you all the way, man! Hang on, I have to snort a mountain of cocaine.

Quincy Carter is happy
(Carter, rejoicing after putting the entire 35 yard line up his nose.)

Where were we? Ah yes, Quincy. He hasn’t forgotten his unceremonious release from the Dallas Cowboys a few years ago, and evidently, neither has his attorney. According to SPORTS RADIO INTERVIEWS (via THE SPORTING BLOG), Carter told WCNN that he’s still owed a couple bucks from the ‘Boys for wrongful termination (audio at link). Nothing much, nothing that, oh, five milly couldn’t fix: Read more…

New Nike Spot Turns Lebron Into Total Cokehead

When it comes to highly stylized, dramatic, pitch-perfect sports commercials, nobody does it quite like Nike. We can give them their props for that. Their first LeBron James/chalk commercial, for example, was a brilliant encapsulation of the exuberance and spectacle of his ritual chalk toss or whatever he wants to call it. It was cool.

Lebron Chalk Piles
(Nothing but the finest Colombian… um, talcum powder.)

Their latest endeavor, via FIRST CUTS, is substantially more mystifying. Why doesn’t LeBron’s puppet’s voice sound anything like him? Why is his frenetic behavior so completely unlike LeBron’s demeanor both on and off the court? What are they trying to drive home with all this white powder? Oh god, they’re not seriously suggesting … well, see for yourself, after the jump. Read more…

Jimmy Smith Busted, Again, For Drug Possession

Jimmy Smith is far away the greatest receiver in Jaguars history, though he’s been neck and neck with Matt Jones for drug arrests. As all good receivers do, Smith put on the afterburners and pulled away from the competition when he was arrested after being found with crack cocaine and marijuana. I guess you could say he’s a possession receiver.

Jimmy Smith

(Well, it’s a better look than the Jags’ new jerseys.)

Smith, who played ten seasons for the Jags, was pulled over in Jacksonville for excessive window tint, though oddly enough he doesn’t seem to have been ticketed for that. The officer smelled burning marijuana, and found crack cocaine, marijuana and cocaine residue. So don’t worry, fans, Jimmy Smith doesn’t have a weed problem; he was just trying to cover up the smell of his crack.

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Ex-Falcons Star Jamal Anderson Busted For Coke

Scott Van Pelt isn’t the only ESPN employee in hot water. Jamal Anderson, former Atlanta Falcon and current analyst on “First Take”, was busted in the act of snorting cocaine off a toilet tank in an Atlanta bar.

Jamal Anderson

And it gets better. Anderson was also found with marijuana in his pocket, and the other man he was arrested with was underage. I think the Urban Dictionary is hard at work on a new definition for the Dirty Bird.
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Tony Dorsett’s Nephew Can Sell You Some Coke

I remember while watching the Heisman Trophy presentation last Saturday they were going through the crowd and showing some of the past winners in attendance. They were going from great to great when they suddenly got to former Dallas Cowboy Tony Dorsett, and he looked incredibly unhappy while they showed him. I even turned to my friend and said “Man, does Tony Dorsett look excited to be there, or what?”

Instead Tony looked like he had a lot on his mind and couldn’t care less which one of the three quarterbacks in attendance was going to win the award. Well, now a few days later I think I know what Tony was thinking about while sitting there. That’s because while Tony was sitting around waiting for somebody to read Sam Bradford’s name off of an envelope, his nephew Anthony Dorsett was getting busted in West Virginia for helping run a Pennsylvania cocaine ring.

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Steelers Collapse Against NY Giants, Lose 21-14

ROFLZberger: The Steelers led the Giants for most of the way this evening, but when the fourth quarter came around, the Giants came alive and the Steelers came undone. New York took advantage of a bad snap on a punt for a game-tying safety, then marched decisively down the field for their first touchdown of the game to make it 21-14. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh’s offensive line imploded, and Ben Roethlisberger was utterly unable to get anything started for the home team. Cheers to the Giants, who (sorry, Tennessee) can reliably lay claim to being the best team in the NFL right now.

Roethlisberger Hassled

Welcome to the NFL, Mike Singletary. Your team sucks: Read more…

Ala. Football Player Caught Selling Drugs To Cops

An Alabama football player was arrested just because he was working his way through college - as a drug dealer.

Marijuana poster

But fret not, Tide fans - although the arrest was made in Tuscaloosa, the accused wasn’t a member of Nick Saban’s roster.

WVTM-TV in Birmingham reports that Stillman College offensive lineman Torrin Hudson (#70 in your game-day program) was arrested on Tuesday, after selling some marijuana and cocaine to some undercover cops - and then trying to make a run for it: Read more…

Martina Hingis Denies Cocaine Use Despite Positive Drug Test At Wimbledon

FROM THE BATHROOM STALL AT HINGIS RETIREMENT PARTY: You probably just hit your favorite conglomo sports media site and read the hed that has now-retired Martina Hingis admitting she tested positive for cocaine at Wimbledon:

ESPN Hingis Cocaine Headline

But how many folks do you think will only see the headline and never read on in the story, where Hingis denies she ever took the drug?