Speed Read: An Evening Of Florida Pillow-Fighting

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

Pierre Garcon gets two thumbs down
(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Miami Caliente Holds Hot Lingerie Football Tryouts

• Tryouts were held for the Lingerie Football League’s Miami Caliente, and some of the resulting scenes were, dare I say, en fuego:

Miami Caliente lingerie football

Mark Cuban uses his blog to apologize to Kenyon Martin’s mom. But if you think the Mavs-Nuggets rivalry has cooled off, just ask LaLa Vasquez.

• The Dodgers know what women want - their own online radio broadcast!

• The Blackhawks scalp the Canucks, while the Caps force a Game 7.

• A slimmer Jessica Simpson sings at Sea World, much to PETA’s chargin.

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Liddell, Penny, Cooley All Go On a Musical Journey

It’s no secret that, inside every pro athlete, there’s a wannabe musician waiting for his big break. Past musical endeavours of professional athletes include (in reverse order of quality) the “misguided musical stylings” of Bronson Arroyo, the Jesus freakery of Ben Utecht, and the actual honest-to-God punk rock of Scott Radinsky. While the music sometimes is less than, well, listenable, who among us wouldn’t take the opportunity to cut an album or jump on stage to jam with the band?

Chuck Liddell karaokoe

However, just because some people are presented with said opportunity doesn’t mean they should take it. Last night, oft-pummeled UFC pixie Chuck Liddell teamed up with Boston Red Sox pitcher Brad Penny and Washington Foreskin Redskins tight end Chris Cooley to belt out the worst rendition of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing” since, well, Journey’s 1981 album, Escape. Thankfully, TMZ was there, and we’ve got the video after the jump.

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Speed Read: It’s All A Formality Until The Finals

This was one hell of a starting weekend for the NBA playoffs. We mentioned it before, yes, but we can’t shut up about it because it’s something that ought not be shut up about: Derrick Rose’s highly testicular 36-point performance at the Boston Garden was one of the most remarkable playoff performances in the last, let’s say, decade. He made tough shot after tough shot while being defended by one of the premier point defenders, Rajon Rondo, and hit every single free throw, including two to swing a one-point lead to the Bulls with time running out in regulation.

Derrick Rose

Then there’s the shredding that the Lakers delivered to the Jazz at the Staples Center. Sure, the final score was somewhat close, but the Jazz were never in serious contention after the first quarter; the Lakers are too deep and too talented to drop a game at home in this series. And speaking of depth, how dangerous is the Lake Show with not only its regular cast of characters, but a 95% healthy Andrew Bynum, a motivated Lamar Odom, and a productive Trevor Ariza? That’s such a bad sign for the rest of the league; you could conceivably take Kobe Bryant or Pau Gasol off that team and still win a series against most teams. Got to think Derek Fisher’s total implosion can’t help, though. You know the Lakers are drafting a point guard who can play right away in the draft.

As for the rest of the league, we had the Lakers’ dominance as mentioned above, and then the only other top 3 seed who looked capable of going deep in the playoffs was Cleveland, who just toyed with the Pistons, 102-84. Lebron James … what can you say? 38 points, 8 boards, 7 dimes, and this absurd shot one step in from half-court:

How many players can take a shot like that and know it’s good from the moment it leaves their fingers? Look at him running at it. He knows. He’s Neo. He’s stopping the bullets and throwing them back at people. He sees those green numbers. He can fly.

Yes, we should mention the Nuggets’ 29-point win too, but having watched that game, we’re still not sold at all. Sure, if Chauncey Billups goes 8-9 from behind the arc in any other games from here on out, they’re probably going to win. But the final score, in this case, doesn’t reflect the competitiveness of the game; New Orleans was within seven points late in the third before collapsing. Denver’s still not a good 2 seed, and Chauncey’s avalanche seems like far more of an anomaly than J.R. Smith’s brickfest; he went 0-7 from downtown. Not sold, man.

And so that’s it. There’s nobody who, right now, looks like they can challenge the Lakers or Cavaliers. That’s not to say there won’t be exciting basketball, of course - witness Chicago-Boston or the Philly-Orlando game iced by Andre Iguodala - but those are sideshows, the undercard to the impending main event. The best part, then, is that even with the ultimate matchup worth writing in ink, we still have no idea who wins that series. The Lakers are deep, but Lebron is Lebron.

Is there a decent segue between anything Lebron does and the word “Gay”? No? Yeah, that sounds right. Anyway, golf has a fresh round of locker room jokes at the ready after Brian Gay set Harbour Town on fire, breaking Loren Roberts‘ scoring record and shooting -20 at the Verizon Heritage, including seven under in the final round. Well played, Brian Gay. Tyson Homosexual is impressed.

Brian Gay
(Resisting temptation for any reference to his wardrobe…)

And what’s the deal with the “Gay” surname? Like, yeah, it’s only been a big deal for the last two generations or so, whereas the name’s been around for a lot longer, and yeah, being gay isn’t in and of itself a problem. But it’s still got to be utter hell for a child; can’t people just change their kids’ names to “Gray” until they turn 18, and then it’s a judgment call when the kid becomes an adult? Nobody likes to be the butt of gay jokes, after all. Haha, I said “butt.” Let’s just move on.

Some quick hits while you make your very own flaming bacon lance of death

That’ll be good ebough for a one-game suspension for Milan Lucic; you can’t just hit dudes in the head in hockey, man! Except for their famous bare-knuckle sideshows that happen in every single game. Aside from that, we mean.

  • Don’t look now, but the Royals’ Zack Greinke is on a streak of 34 straight scoreless innings, meaning he’s just 25 away from tying Orel Hershiser’s record. We know what you’re thinking, and no, “Greinke” doesn’t rhyme with “stinky.” Grow up.
  • On the other side of pitching competence, there have been 25 home runs in Yankee Stadium in the first five games; that’s about 2.5 times as many as last season. Is it the new park? Lighter balls? How about “nobody on that entire team can pitch worth a crap”? I win!

USC Song Girls

  • Those would be the famous USC Song Girls, caputred in bikini form by - who else - BUSTED COVERAGE. It’s where you can read about sports, but masturbate at the same time!
  • But back to the Yankees, once you’ve cleaned up. You got some on your hand there. Okay, good. Anyway, the Yankees don’t really have much choice what to do with Chien-Ming Wang. He’s got a 34.50 ERA, but he’s not injured and he can’t be sent to AAA. But, on the plus side, manager Joe Girardi can throw him out of an airplane into the ocean. It’s in the collective bargaining agreement; read it.
  • And finally, here’s a hockey player using two sticks. How is this not legal?

Should playing hockey with two sticks be legal?

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Chuck, How Do You Get “Used” By a Porn Star?

A couple of weeks ago we brought you the offensive comments that UFC’s Dana White made about a female reporter on his video blog…just before it hit the mainstream media.

chuck liddell

Well, add Chuck Liddell to the list of people now coming to White’s defense. In a conversation with CAGEWRITER, Liddell said that White doesn’t hate women or gays, and that he’s just a guy without a filter. Although that wasn’t the biggest news in the interview. Liddell responded for the first time publicly to pictures that were posted a while back of him looking rather comfortable with porn star Jayden James at time when Liddell was supposedly engaged to another woman.

Let’s just say Chuck isn’t engaged anymore, but he also has some rather unkind words for Jayden, too. Video after the jump.

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UFC 88: Liddell Leveled by Evil Evans Evisceration

Chuck Liddell would like to tell his fans how much he loves them and how he intends to retire in the training room and not in a post-fight presser.  He may even want to express a sense of gratitude for leading such a charmed life and for having an innate talent at violence rewarded for so long.

Chuck Liddell

However, a man that looks remarkably similar to the former light heavyweight tentpole for Dana White’s UFC had to speak to the press corps after Rashad Evans got the one solid punch he needed in the second round after eight minutes of slap-dancing to crush Liddell’s chin and possibly his career.
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An Evening With a Nudie at The Playboy Mansion

I spent most of last evening at the Playboy Mansion watching boxing, observing a nude girl tiptoe through mostly spider vein-nosed, bowling-shirted attendees, and sadly, missing Bill Maher.

Yardbarker Nude Girl

(Inspiration for followup to Shaq’s Ma$$terful Kobe Rap?)

I was flummoxed by the absence of Playboy Mansion regulars Maher, Scott Baio, Jon Lovitz, Bob Saget and of course, America’s favorite mid-40s teenie stalker Pauly Shore. In consideration of that curious chasm, it was clear early on that this wasn’t the typical study in backyard debauchery for which Hef’s parties are notorious.

Chuck Liddell With Yardbarker Nude Girl

(What the hell Chuck, No chain wallet?)

But with my current condition, it was still better than spending the night wrangling with the ice machine at the Culver City Hilton Garden Inn.

So, what then was the highlight of the night? Well, that would be the one nude girl on the grounds. And for that I thank my gracious party hosts, Yardbarker.com.

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SbB Is Hoopin’ It Up In San Antone For Final Four

We remember the Alamo, but forget to bribe Alamodome security.

• SbB is in San Antonio this weekend to take part in the fun & frivolity of the Final Four!

San Antonio signs

• Fresh off the Ernie Banks crisis, another sports statue has been punctured for punctuation problems.

• If a Browns cornerback can’t outrun the cops, how’s he gonna do against the Steelers receivers?

• The Kansas City Royals are hot, but their calendar’s even hotter!

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Chuck Liddell Aspires To Be Classic Sports Villain

MMA posterboy and former UCF light heavyweight champion Chuck Liddell has cast himself in the role of “dismissive established star” in the real life movie of the ascent of Kimbo Slice. Apparently Liddell isn’t keen on sharing the limelight with the popular upstart, bemoaning in an interview with THE SUN that Slice “hasn’t done anything” and said whomping a”bunch of guys on the street” is the sole reason for his popularity.

chuck liddell

“People talk about him like he’s the next great thing when he really hasn’t done anything. He’s been built up because of the Internet and him beating a bunch of guys on the street.” Read more…

Bonus Coverage: Liddell Once Part of SB Security

• SPORTS ILLUSTRATED chats with Chuck Liddell about being a Super Bowl VIP. But the big guy has been to the Big Game before - as a security guard.

Chuck Liddell with ladies

• Meanwhile, ESPN’s HASHMARKS talks with NFL Films prez Steve Sabol, who remembers trying to sell a dozen seats to the first Super Bowl: “I was only able to sell two tickets for $6.”

• ODENIZED realizes Donyell Marshall hasn’t played in a while - but to hit the court without your jersey?

• THE MONEY SHOT is Sure they’re Right (Guard) with their selections of college basketball’s sweatiest coaches.

Chris Mottram of THE SPORTING BLOG learns that Larry Johnson’s not the only Chief with expensive tastes in jewelry, as Dwayne Bowe shows off his bling.

Dwayne Bow bling

• AWFUL ANNOUNCING thanks the Jimmy Kimmel Show for putting together a retrospective of Emmitt “Word” Smith.

• Clip ‘n’ save: Tom Hoffarth of INSIDE SOCAL runs down FOX’s Super Bowl Sunday schedule. (*Spoiler alert* - the festivities conclude with a very special episode of “House”.)

• LOSER WITH SOCKS uncovers a fashion faux pas among the Crimson Tide - Bear Bryant’s hat was not houndstooth.