In the relatively short history of sports blogs, there have been several things that have served to greatly expand their visibility above and beyond the niche of the young, internet-savvy set. These things have often had one thing in common - ESPN. From Erin Andrews‘ sideline antics to Scott Van Pelt’s singles bar shenanigans to “You’re With Me, Leather,” sports blogs shone a much-needed, often hilarious spotlight on the actions and direction of the media behemoth and its employees.

Take, for example, the disparate treatment of ESPN mainstays Chris Berman and Scott Van Pelt. The sports blogosphere is as united in their distate for Berman’s tired schtick as they are united in their appreciation for Van Pelt’s self-deprecating everyman personality. These two extremes have never been more evident than they were in two separate stories today. Let’s discuss.

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That sound you heard in New York last night were league officials and ABC executives quietly weeping into their gin and tonics while watching Game 1 of the NBA Finals. Because what they were watching was the one thing they didn’t need: a Los Angeles Lakers blowout. For the casual fan, the 100-75 drubbing of the Orlando Magic just confirmed what they already knew, that this series is a letdown after the hype of Kobe Bryant vs. LeBron James, and the Lakers are going to crush the upstart Magic.

Sure, it was close…for a little over a quarter. The Magic did have a five-point lead early in the second quarter, and then the roof collapsed. This is what happens when a team that relies on three-point shooting has a sub-par shooting game (going 8-for-23 from beyond the arc). Without having to fear the Magic from the outside, the Lakers could double and triple-team Dwight Howard, a form of kryptonite that even Superman couldn’t overcome, going 1-for-6 and scoring just 12 points.

So while Howard struggled, Kobe was superb, scoring 40 points while coming close to a triple-double. He had 12 points in the second quarter as the Lakers established their dominance, and was able to create opportunities for Pau Gasol and the rest of his supporting cast. And with Phil Jackson being 43-0 in series where his team wins the opening game, Magic coach Stan Van Gundy has to be sweating through his Men’s Wearhouse coat.

But if the Magic need any inspiration, they only need to look to the Stanley Cup (assuming they get Versus in central Florida). Facing a 2-0 deficit against the defending champion Detroit Red Wings, the Pittsburgh Penguins have rallied to tie the series after a 4-2 win in Game 4. Which is especially impressive since they managed to turn an early lead into a 2-1 hole in the second period, which could have easily crippled a lesser team.

And in what can only be seen as a good sign for the Penguins, Sidney Crosby had his first goal of the series, while Evgeni Malkin added a goal and an assist. So now we basically have a best-of-three series starting tomorrow night in Detroit. While the Red Wings are still probably going to win the series, at least the Penguins have made it interesting.

Finally, let’s tip our hat to Randy Johnson, who became the first pitcher since Tom Seaver in 1985 to get his 300th victory in his first attempt thanks to the Giants’ 5-1 victory over the Nationals. Thank you for sparing us of the daily update on the ESPN crawl and live game updates ruining our PBA Tour broadcasts on Wednesday nights on ESPN2. The Giants are planning a pregame celebration before their next home game to congratulate Johnson on his 300 career wins - all four of them with San Francisco.

• The French Open women’s singles final is set, with Dinara Safina and Svetlana Kuznetsova taking each other on in an all-Russian final. In terms of eye candy, this isn’t exactly the Maria Sharapova vs. Ana Ivanovic Australian Open final from last year.



• Calvin Borel isn’t just confident that he’s going to win the Belmont Stakes on Mine That Bird to win the jockey Triple Crown, he’s guaranteeing it. (At least that’s what we think he said with molasses-thick drawl.) If he does pull this off, does this mean he gets put out to stud?
• LeBron, here’s your slap on the wrist: the NBA fines King James $25,000 for bailing on the post-game press conference after the Cavs’ Game 6 loss to the Magic in the Eastern Conference finals. Plus, you made David Stern cry. How does that feel, LeBron.
• You want Dontrelle Willis to succeed in his comeback with the Tigers, but then something like this happens: in 2-1/3 innings against the Red Sox yesterday, Willis gave up five runs without allowing a hit, walking five and hitting a batter.
• Just when you thought that it couldn’t get worse for the New York Mets than getting swept by the Pirates, it also turns out that Jose Reyes has a torn hamstring.
• John Raines, a substitute teacher and athletic trainer at Sussex Central High in Delaware, has been arrested and charged with “inappropriately touching a student-athlete while treating her injury and threatening to prevent her from playing her sport when she tried to stop his advances.” Which is bad enough, but even worse when considering he’s the second faculty member arrested on sex crimes in the past two days and the third within a year.
• Spencer Cruise, an all-state high school football player in Iowa, allegedly bodyslammed a cop who was busting up a party and then Tasered him with his own weapon.
• Buffalo Bills owner Ralph Wilson has selected ESPN’s Chris Berman to introduce him before his induction into the Pro Football Hall of Fame, and PRO FOOTBALL TALK wonders if that’s such a great idea. (Seriously, was Jim Kelly busy?)
• Former Tulsa football player Neal Sweeney apparently got into a business dispute with the wrong person, as it ended up with him being shot dead at his fuel sales company. Police have arrested the person they believe is the triggerman, and hope this leads to further breaks in the case.
• Maurice Neal, a linebacker for the Utah Utes, has been arrested in connection with a bar fight where he took out two men. Shouldn’t Utah be the last place that a bar fight should be happening?

If you’d rather catch up on your laundry and clean out the cat box than see Terrell Owens primping in the ladies room, listen to Kevin Costner sing for an hour, rub elbows with the owner of the L.A. Clippers, and hear about Chris Berman flying on private planes, I have great news.

(Apparently this gentleman (left) caught up on his laundry before last weekend)

Arash Markazi of SPORTS ILLUSTRATED has the 411 on all the Super Bowl parties last week worth avoiding. In other words, he has the 411 on all the Super Bowl parties.

Highlights:

• Marquis Jet Party:

Chris Berman presided over the festivities, which meant they kept a half-dozen dry, pressed Hawaiian shirts under the bar for quick changes every quarter hour.

Markazi notes that during the party, Berman told partygoers that he “has been flying on private planes for the past five years.”

Berman now doesn’t fly commercial? I wonder if an eyewitness noting that he picked his nose (and ate it) while flying commercial has anything to do with it.

More highlights after the jump.

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The folks who run the Australian Open — who happen to go by the ultra-creative handle Tennis Australia — have always known that tennis alone is not enough to keep the people entertained. This is why they’ve done a lot of work in recent years to make the event not just a tennis tournament, but an experience. Go see Roger Federer emasculate some teenage Kiwi during the day, and then catch a burlesque show at night.

Sounds like a fantastic mix, doesn’t it? Well it seems that not everybody down under agrees with our moral sensibilities here at SbB, especially when it comes to one show in particular. The show Absinthe opened at the Spiegeltent on Monday night, and apparently it offended some of those in the attendance. I guess they don’t find racial slurs and simulated masturbation to be family entertainment, the fascists.

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Have you voted yet? Why haven’t you voted yet? Why do you hate democracy so much? You know who loves democracy and elections? Chris Berman. That’s why we had Barack “And A Hard Place” Obama and John “Raising” McCain being interviewed by The Swami at halftime of Monday Night Football, answering the hard-hitting questions on topics such as health care, specifically their stance on importing medicine from Canada.

Actually, they didn’t give their stance on “222s,” although that would have been more enlightening than what we got out of each candidate. I saw Bob Costas interview President George W. Bush during the Olympics, and Chris Berman is no Bob Costas.

Here’s what each candidate would change about sports: McCain would get tough on steroids, while Obama would put a playoff in place for college football. That McCain chose a topic six months past relevancy while Obama went for the classic suck-up that all sports fans care about shows why the polls stand where they do.

Judge for yourself. First, Sen. Obama:

…and Sen. McCain:

And, oh yeah, there was a football game last night! And to draw a Presidential Election analogy, the Redskins played Walter Mondale to the Steelers’ Ronald Reagan (anyone under 30 should look it up on Wikipedia), as Pittsburgh rolled to a 23-6 victory. The only downside for Pittsburgh? Ben Roethlisberger left at halftime with a bum shoulder.

How come Pittsburgh has someone like Byron Leftwich as their back-up QB, but the Cowboys’ choices post-Tony Romo resemble the Republican ticket: ancient (Brad Johnson) and ineptly overmatched (Brooks Bollinger)?

Here’s what else happened last night for you to read before you get out and vote because it’s your civic duty as Americans and your fathers died for this right and if you don’t vote you are spitting in the graves of dead soldiers from World War I and the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln will haunt you until your death (maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but you really should vote):

• Break out the hair gel and popped collars, and get ready to cover your junk: the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER says the Brady Quinn era for the Browns will officially begin on Thursday, as the strapping young man gets the nod ahead of Derek “I Suck” Anderson for Cleveland’s game against Denver.
• UFC middleweight Chris Leben might want to consider changing his nickname from “The Crippler” to “The Juicer” after MMA JUNKIE reports that he has been suspended for nine months after testing positive for steroids. John McCain would put Leben over his knee and give him a firm paddling if he’s elected President.
• The BOSTON GLOBE brings news that Theo Epstein has signed a new contract with the Red Sox to stay on as GM. Epstein held out until the team promised to pick up all gorilla suit-related dry cleaning bills.
• From the Jim Fixx Memorial Department of Irony: two runners died of heart attacks after finishing the New York Marathon, according to the NEW YORK TIMES. I’ll choose to die of a heart attack while eating a Hot Pocket and watching Antiques Roadshow, the way God intended it.
• The LAS VEGAS SUN says the sun is setting on Greg Maddux, as the future Hall of Famer is finally set to call it a career after 23 seasons and 367 wins.
• Meanwhile, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS has news that Greg’s brother Mike Maddux has been named pitching coach for the Texas Rangers, as he can teach them everything he learned about being a throughly mediocre-to-average pitcher (which would be a drastic improvement for the Rangers).
• The AP notes that Ken Mink, the 73-year-old college basketball player at Roane State Community College, scored two points last night in his team’s 93-42 win over the King’s College JV team. Maybe John McCain will have something to look forward to post-election after all…
• Breathe a sigh of relief, Bears fans, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE soothes your worries about the 2008 season going down the tubes: Kyle Orton does not have ligament damage in his ankle, meaning your time with Sexy Rexy at QB could be as short as three games.
• The BUDAPEST TIMES reports that former Hungarian Olympic athlete Krisztián Tölgyesi has been arrested after numerous explosive devices were found in his car. John McCain has no opinion on this, as long as they weren’t fueled by steroids.
• Iowa can’t seem to stop getting their football players arrested, as the CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE has word that Hawkeyes DB Harold Dalton has pleaded guilty to three booze-related charges after a fight at a bar on Sunday. That’s three arrests this season for Iowa players, if you’re keeping track.

With this wonderful country of ours set to choose its next President tomorrow, as you’d expect, there are a lot of political rallies going on from sea to shining sea.  John McCain appeared on Saturday Night Live this weekend in a last ditch effort to sway some votes amongst the younger crowd, and tonight both candidates will appear on Monday Night Football, subjecting themselves to Chris Berman for a chance at the Presidency (in case you weren’t already aware you have to sell your soul to win an election).

Still, it’s not just the candidates who are out there working for votes.  In College Station a group of students at Texas A&M called the Young Conservatives of Texas organized a little get together on Friday.  Basically the entire thing was nothing but a way to slam Barack Obama and other Democrats instead of, you know, telling people why they should vote for McCain.  Part of the festivities included throwing eggs at a picture of Obama, but one A&M student athlete wouldn’t have any of it.

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Over the last few months sports and politics have crossed paths many times as Barack Obama and John McCain continue to do everything humanly possible to get votes, and realize that sporting events are a great way to reach the male demographic.  That’s why Obama was in Pennsylvania a few weeks ago saying he was rooting for the Phillies, and that’s why John McCain and Sarah Palin have been dropping pucks at hockey games.

Well just because the election is this Tuesday, that doesn’t mean either candidate is ready to sit back and let the votes fall where they may.  No, they realize they only have one more shot to get to us sports fans, and they’re going to take it.  Which is why both Presidential hopefuls will be showing up on Monday Night Football this, you guessed it, Monday night.

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Name the baseball announcer you hate most. Odds are, 90% of you are either thinking of Chris Berman (who barely even qualifies anymore) or Joe Morgan. And for years now, Morgan has been infecting Sunday nights with his unique brand of self-congratulation and non-analysis. We sincerely pity his partner, the capable-if-mundane Jon Miller.

(Credit for the image goes to Awful Announcing, to whom we also owe a hat tip for the story)

But it appears that our long national nightmare may be over, as Bob Raissman of the NEW YORK DAILY NEWS is reporting that the duo may have called their last game together: Read more…

• PRO FOOTBALL TALK suggests another name change might be in order for The Wide Receiver Formerly Known as Chad Johnson after the Bengals’ rough start:

• Think your team got blown out last week? BLEACHER REPORT reminds you just how bad it could be by looking back at the anniversary of Georgia Tech 222, Cumberland 0.
• NJ.COM suggests that Rutgers QB Mike Teel might want to go into Witness Protection based on the hate he’s getting from Scarlet Knights fans for the team’s awful season.
• SPORT CRACKLE POP eats up the news that Manchester United soccer stud Cristiano Ronaldo was given a red card by a hot Colombian soap star he tried to put the moves on.
• PUCK DADDY wants you to get out the vote: for the new Hockey Night in Canada theme song. I’ll vote for whatever Rush is doing.

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If I came into my office every morning and slept underneath my desk, or just spent the entire time I was there openly blogging on various internet sites, I would expect to be fired. Actually, scratch that last one.

Point being, if you stink at your job, you should get fired. ESPN finally woke up and smelled the roses, deciding not to bring Emmitt Smith back to NFL Countdown. PRO FOOTBALL TALK reports that Cris Carter will be brought in instead to torture give us the news on Sundays with Chris Berman & crew.

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