Seriously.

How exactly taking steroids can make somebody a better chess player, I have no idea, but apparently the governing bodies of the sport have been testing for performance enhancers since 2001.  Apparently there was a fear that chess players would start taking steroids so they could move their queen from d8 to h4 a lot quicker and with more force, possibly so they could kill two pawns at once or something.

(Look deep into my “bedroom eyes”)

Now even though they’ve been testing chess players for seven years now, as you would expect, they’ve never found anybody guilty.  Well, that is until last month, anyway.  Vassily Ivanchuk is one of the better known names in the world of chess — I’m sure you’ve already named your first born after him — and he’s been a grandmaster in the “sport” for over 20 years now.   Well, after losing a match on November 25th the grandmaster — better known as Big Chucky — refused to take a drug test following the match, and now he may be banned for two years.

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Murder. Perversion. Just another day in the seedy underworld of…chess? It’s a thinking man’s game, but apparently doesn’t do a whole lot for the part of the brain that governs common sense.

photo by William H. Cook

In Iowa City, Iowa, two neighbors sat down for a friendly game early Sunday morning. Somehow, within a couple of hours, one of them was dead — the victim of a murder allegedly perpetrated by the other as a result of an argument stemming from the outcome. Not to be outdone, a chess coach in Evanston, Illinois (Go ‘Cats) reportedly has been taking pictures of his students (who are grade-school kids) and sending them to a prison inmate, accompanied by “graphic” letters.

These two guys are totally zugzwanged. Lunacy after the jump.

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