KS HS Cheerleaders In Hot Water For … Something

“What’s the matter with Kansas?” It’s a question that was first asked in 1896 by journalist William Allen White and, well, hasn’t really stopped being asked since. Thomas Frank used the question as the title of his landmark 2004 book regarding the state’s curious political fortunes, and it was asked all too often by Jayhawks fans about their alma mater’s football program - or was until Mark Mangino came along.

Kansas Cheerleaders

(They’re in Kansas and they’re cheerleaders. Close enough. We don’t need another visit from Chris Hansen.)

But today we’ve gotta wonder what the heck is going on with the Sunflower State’s high school students. Last week we found out about a group of jackass high school football players who thought it would be fun to jam some Icy-Hot up a freshman’s fanny, and this week? Well, this week in Wacky Kansas High School Hi-Jinks, it’s all about the Andover Central High School cheerleader orgy. Or something.

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HS Cheerleading More Dangerous Than Sports

Cheerleading is stupid. That’s not to say we don’t like cheerleaders - big fans of ‘em, obviously - but the idea that leading cheers for sports is somehow worthy of sporthood itself is patently ludicrous. Pro cheerleaders get it - they’re there to look purty and smile and show up to PR events. College cheerleaders get it less so, but most of the one’s we’ve known never took themselves too seriously.

Laura Jackson

(High school cheerleading should not end like this.)

Then there’s high school cheerleading, a wholly different category. Despite what its fans would have you believe, it is not a sport…and hell, it’s more ‘Melrose Place’ than extracurricular activity anyway, with all the sex, drugs, and violence. On top of that, a new report says that it is also an incredibly dangerous activity for girls, with a high risk for “catastrophic injury.”And yet, it’s more popular than ever. What gives?

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20 Drinks, A Racial Slur, & A Made Up Rape Charge

If you thought that we got all the good sexual assault trials down here in the States, then you obviously haven’t heard much about what’s been going on in Toronto the last few days. Bernard Williams, a former football player with the CFL’s Toronto Argonauts, was acquitted today on rape charges stemming from the accusations of a 23-year-old who tried, but failed, to catch on as a cheerleader for the team. Seems that things didn’t quite go down the way she thought they did. It might have had something to do with the fact that she had 20 mixed drinks on the night in question.

Toronto Argonauts cheerleaders

(All because she couldn’t be part of this happy group)

The woman, who can’t be identified because of Canadian law, hurtled a number of racial slurs at Williams after he allegedly started having sex with her while she was passed out. But there was no forensic evidence that any such actions took place, and the woman’s testimony was full of so many holes and changed so many times that the judge concluded that she basically made it all up.

Still, any trial that involves the prosecutor uttering the line “it is ridiculous to say she imagined a phantom penis inside of her” is worth examining a bit further.

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Court Has To Decide If Cheerleading Is A Sport

Chalk this one up to the, “but didn’t we already know that?” department: After a few weeks of legal wrangling, it can now officially be confirmed that cheerleading is not a contact sport. It’s not. In fact, even though it most assuredly isn’t, you probably wish it was: According to a Wisconsin appellate court, cheerleading doesn’t qualify as a contact sport because, “it does not involve physical contact between opponents.” Evidently the third-quarter gift exchange doesn’t count. Now a defendant’s only hope for avoiding a pricey trial and verdict might be to push the decision one-stop further, hoping that the Wisconsin Supreme Court decides cheerleading isn’t a sport at all.

redskins cheerleader
(This isn’t a sport? Really? Please say it’s a sport again.)

The decision was brought — and made relevant — by a case filed by ninth-grade cheerleader Brittany Noffke, who sued fellow Holmen High School cheerleader Kevin Bakke for failing to properly spot her while practicing a three-person stunt, according to the MARQUETTE UNIVERSITY LAW SCHOOL FACULTY BLOG. As you’ve probably already pieced together, Noffke fell while being thrust upwards during the stunt, suffered a head injury and sued Bakke for negligence.

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NHL’s Site Has Bikini Girls Hanging Out On Yacht

In the ever-changing world of decency, the people who brought you the absolutely riveting “Making of the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleader Calendar” TV special bring you this, via hockey blog THE POWER PLAY: A bunch of Dallas Stars ice girls on a yacht, for no apparent reason except, of course, that they look really, really, really good in bikinis.

Dallas Stars Ice Girls on Yacht

(Girls with less coverage than a Stars-Preds telecast on Versus)

That, friends, is more than enough reason for us. You should have been sold on the headline alone. It’s a pretty ridiculous piece of psuedo-lingerie propaganda, and we say propaganda with good reason: It’s on both the official NHL site and the Stars site itself, where each team member has her own individual video (not to mention the “team-building outing to Chipotle”). Oh but wait: There’s more! Scintillating quotes! (and be sure to click through … there’s video after the jump)

From ice girl Phoenix (yes, that’s really her name): “This year there’s more girls, there’s more to do and I think the fans are going to go nuts.”

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The Becks In L.A. Thing May Have Run Its Course

Has David Beckham outlived his usefulness in America? The L.A. Galaxy’s season is over so there’s not necessarily a need for him here, so Becks has been “loaned” to European club AC Milan for what is thought to be at least two months.

Beckham car

It’s one of those odd quirks of soccer, which allows players to be sent elsewhere for a rental fee, sometimes within the same league during the same season. MLS still seems to be banking on Beckham’s marketability in America, but there’s no doubt that his appearances in league games lost a little luster this season. It certainly doesn’t help that his team sucks. But it may not be a great sign that he’s already heading back to Europe, and that the Galaxy and MLS find it perhaps necessary to rent him out to help offset his ridiculous salary.

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Speed Read: Rodney Harrison’s Career Likely Over

The NFL is on the verge of losing one of its largest revenue streams, based on the news out of New England last night. Safety Rodney Harrison, who has rankled opponents over the years with his aggressive (some say dirty) play, joined Tom Brady on the “guys opposing fans are happy to see in pain” list after it was revealed that he will miss the rest of the season with a torn thigh muscle. In fact, the AP is going as far as calling it a career-ending injury.

Rodney Harrison

The oft-fined safety tore his right thigh muscle and rehab will reportedly take 8-10 months. Harrison is in the last year of his contract and many expected that he was going to retire after the season anyway. He’s donated more than $200,000 to NFL over the years in fines for illegal hits. Roger Goodell will just have to keep making up more reasons to fine Hines Ward to account for the reduced cash flow.

Kellen Winslow and his staph infection were suspended one game by the Browns because Winslow had the gall to call out the team’s brass for asking him to hide the illness and for not taking enough action to prevent further infections. Despite the fact that Winslow made it clear that his beef was not with his teammates or coaches, GM Phil Savage called the comments “unwarranted, inappropriate and unnecessarily disparaging to our organization.”

It looks like Larry Johnson will likely not play this Sunday whether the NFL suspends him or not. Herm Edwards suggested in comments yesterday that LJ’s latest act of female degradation would be enough to earn him another week off.  It has been confirmed that police are investigating the incident.

Pudding pops for everyone! Bill Cosby was on hand last night as Temple beat Ohio 14-10 in a game that nobody wanted to see, but everybody watched for like five minutes because nothing else was on. The PHILLY INQUIRER insists that the Owls are still in the MAC Eastern Division hunt despite a 2-3 league record.

Bill Cosby

The World Series starts tonight, and HOME RUN DERBY has the preview you’ve been waiting for. It’s of the teams’ cheerleaders, of course, which means there hopefully won’t be any photos of a shirtless Matt Stairs. It should be noted that the Phillies’ Ballgirls are actually the ones who sit in foul territory and field balls that go out of play, while the Ray Team is more of a traditional squad — with some dudes, though. The Ballgirls are actual softball players who just happen to be attractive, which makes them the winners in my book. Anyone can operate a t-shirt cannon.

World Series cheerleaders

• Think it’s not physically demanding to be a baseball manager? Just tell Terry Francona that. He’s having surgery this offseason for a back injury that has left him with “diminished feeling” in his arms and unable to stand up straight, according to the ASSOCIATED PRESS’ Jimmy Golen.

Terry Francona is frail

Since Francona has become manager of the Red Sox he’s been struck by the following maladies:

A foot infection, a knee replacement, staph infections in both knees, chest pains, several years on blood-thinners, a life-threatening blood clot in his lungs and now a back problem that will require surgery.

Francona also chews massive quantities of tobacco during the season, which I’m sure helps a lot with all of this. And he won’t even turn 50 until early next season.

• It’s not the World Series without the participating cities’ newspaper columnists taking really easy cheap shots at each other. Today, the PHILLY DAILY NEWS’ Stu Bykofsky has the floor, and it might just be the worst trash talk I’ve ever read. There’s references to tuberculosis and Salvador Dali(?), and he calls Rays fans “tampons.” It’s all very sophisticated.

• Those catwalks at the Trop? Yeah, the geniuses who built the place thought that nobody would ever hit a baseball up that far, so says USA TODAY.

• Monday was a rough night for the Bailey brothers. CBS4 in Denver is reporting that Champ Bailey tore his groin (yeesh) in the loss to New England and is going to miss 4-6 weeks, while his brother Boss injured his knee and is out for the season.

• NEW YORK MAGAZINE’s Lucas Mann was with Stephon Marbury when he watched the final presidential debate…at a homeless shelter on the Bowery in New York.

• The LOS ANGELES TIMES’ Bill Shaikin celebrates the fact that there are a number of African-American stars in this year’s World Series.

• The first NHL team in Toronto is doing so well, that the league is talking about putting another one there, according to a CBC report.

• Texas Tech coach Mike Leach told the FORT WORTH STAR-TELEGRAM that he tries as hard as possible to stay away from computers.

• Your police-assaulting and racial-slurring act may fly in Dallas there, Mr. and Mrs. Collegiate Sports Marketer, but the BOSTON HERALD says you’re in some trouble for doing it in their backyard.

Marion Jones‘ former track coach, who was a whistleblower in the BALCO case, has avoided prison time and instead was sentenced to 12 months of house arrest, write Lance Williams of the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE.

Who’s going to be the Phillies’ DH in Game 1?

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Cheerleader Gunplay Somehow Not Sexy Or Cool

We’re all in agreement that cheerleaders are awesome. Mascots too. And don’t get me started on “The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.” Put them all together and what do you get? A pep rally that’s actually pretty tasteless and offensive.

Hayden Panattiere

This, of course, comes from Texas, where they take their high school sports a little too seriously. But even for a jaded, soulless wretch like me, this doesn’t just cross the line, it takes a Bob Beamon leap over it.

Seems Nacogdoches High School held a pep rally to hype up the students before a game. As Enrico Morricone’s famous score blared over the loudspeakers, a group of cheerleaders dressed in the colors of rival Center High School “kidnapped” Duke the Dragon, Nacogdoches’ mascot. Then a second group of cheerleaders came and rescued Duke, subdued the CHS cheerleaders, forced them to kneel on the floor, and “executed” them with toy guns. Surprisingly, some people aren’t too pleased. (Zapruder-esque footage after the jump.)

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Blog-O-Rama: Who Cares if the Cold War’s Over?

  • COED keeps the Cold War alive with pom-poms, spandex and flexible females with their Cold War Cheerleader Challenge.

    Cheerleader Cold War

  • Is that a “W” next to Carl Pavano’s name in the box score? MY PINSTRIPES thinks that it was all a dream.
  • Former New Jersey Nets forward Jayson Williams may or may not have shot his limo driver but he definitely butchered his kids’ names - Whizdom and Tryumph. HOLLYWIRE has more examples of what happens when celebrities are given free range to name their children.
  • WIRED takes a look at the Olympic Village that didn’t cost $40 billion, just 300,000 Lego blocks. Photo after the jump. Read more…

Blog-O-Riffic: Good Vibrations And Cheerleaders

• FAN IQ vibrates its approval of the “ButtKicker”, a device that NHRA and NASCAR are testing that vibrates seats based on cues.

• PRO FOOTBALL TALK reports the Steelers have released everyone’s favorite dump truck, Najeh Davenport.

• The ZWANNEUS REPORT gives us some very nice photos of Russian cheerleaders. Da!

Russian cheerleader

• HASHMARKS notes Vikings’ RB Adrian Peterson getting a laugh by naming his toughest opponent.

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