Remote-Control Bowling Balls Seem A Little Unfair

You know how in those Star Wars movies, the Jedi guys could use The Force to make things move without touching them? How come those guys never cheated at sports? Like, I know Obi-Wan and Luke were “the good guys” and they were off doing their hero things, but you can’t tell me Darth Vader wouldn’t paint the lines with his backhand during a rousing game of tennis on the Death Star. And you can’t tell me you wouldn’t watch Darth Vader vs. Jimmy Connors. That would be the top game of tennis ever.

Remote Control Bowling Balls
(The “RC” stands for “Really Cool!” (no it does not))

Digression aside, The Force has come to sports - well, if you consider bowling a sport, anyway. The 900 Global company in San Antonio have devised the world’s first remote-controlled bowling ball, and it is every bit as unfair as you would imagine. For a demonstration of the ball negotiating a four-chair slalom during the course of one throw (look, just go with it), a video is after the break.

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Speed Read: An Evening Of Florida Pillow-Fighting

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

Pierre Garcon gets two thumbs down
(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Was A-Rod Tipping Pitches? Numbers Say Maybe

It’s been remarkable to see the assblasting that Alex Rodriguez’s reputation has taken in light of Selena Roberts‘ well-publicized character assassination book, A-Rod. The steroid stuff made its way through the headlines and resulted in the unintentionally funniest press conference in years, but now there’s a different sort of accusation being brought to the forefront, and in its own way, it might be worse.

A-Rod arms out
(A-Rod, celebrating another gutshot to his reputation.)

As THE SPORTING BLOG reports, A-Rod is now under fire for accusations of tipping pitches for his opponents in blowout situations. The accusations come from an interview with Roberts on SI.COM. We’re not sure how that’s supposed to work, since she already writes for them (I mean, is ESPN.COM going to interview Peter Gammons next?), but whatever. As Roberts told the site, Rodriguez had mannerisms to clue in his friendlier opponents on what was coming: Read more…

The Chinese Even Cheat At High School Sports

I’m moderately understanding of cheating in the Olympics. It really is the peak of competition, and you can’t blame anyone for doing what they can to secure a victory that can have huge social and political ramifications. I can even understand cheating in the pros; there’s a ton of money at stake. But what if I told you one country cheated in a recent high school tournament? You’d probably just say, “that’s China for you.” And you’d be right.

Chinese Youth Team

A Chinese principal has apologized for cheating in an international girls high school soccer tournament. But I suppose if you’re going to cheat, cheat spectcularly. And they did. The squad was mostly made up of players from China’s national team.

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Angler Smuggles Fish From Home Into Contest

Barry Bonds‘ records may still be on the books, but at least there’s justice in one sport. In an ice-fishing contest in Wisconsin, the winner forfeited first place after allegations that he smuggled the winning fish from home. Jeez, that’s pretty much the lowest of the low.

Fish

Lee Shehow gave back his first-prize $28,000 Dodge pickup, after suspicions were raised about his winning 2.42-lb. northern pike. He vacated the championship after refusing to take a lie detector, but just what led authorities to smell something fishy?

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Oldest Marathoner in London Isn’t; Still Really Old

Pierre Jean “Buster” Martin told London Marathon officials that he ranked as their oldest ever participant and the oldest marathoner ever, an overripe 101 years of age. He received the usual human interest stories and virtual pats on the back. Old people doin’ it for themselves!

Abe Simpson

(Did you know I ran the first marathon? I was in Greece on leave from the lines in Normandy and…)

Except the good folks at Guinness’ book division wouldn’t verify the record. Apparently, Buster likes to tell stories. Like about the triplets his virile sperm once created 87 years ago. Except they didn’t. He’s more like 94. Maybe. Didn’t someone scan in his birth certificate when he was born?
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It’s Raining (Too Many) Men (on the Field of Play)

The Sharks, a South African rugby team, slipped an extra man onto the grass for two whole minutes without anyone noticing in their Super 14 match against the Queensland Reds last weekend. The 16th man roamed freely in the Sharks win and made two key tackles. Queensland Reds are protesting now, but you have to catch them in the act, Aussies. So sorry!

Now this is how you catch them in the act:

(Anatomy of a cheater)

The brilliant BALL IN EUROPE spotted ETB Essen trying to secure a promotion to the second division in German basketball by pulling the ol’ Maypole trick on the ref with two seconds left in the game. It’s one thing to sneak a 16th man onto a large field of play; it’s quite another to slip a sixth man back onto a tiny basketball court. Gro├če Hoden, ETB Essen!

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49ers Won’t Pan For Gold In 5th Round Of Draft

San Francisco cornerback Tarell Brown, drafted in the 5th round of last year’s NFL draft played in nine games and made two tackles. That’s the kind of output the Niners can expect to miss next year, when their 5th draft is yoinked away by Roger Goodell as penance for tampering with Bears linebacker Lance Briggs.

Lance Briggs and the 49ers caught tampering

(Next time, use more discrete duct tape.)

The 49ers were at fault for contacting Briggs’ agent Drew Rosenhaus during the 2007 season (a crime in 13 states by itself) while Briggs was dangling a franchise tag from his torso. This is apparently a rule or something. Read more…