Chinedum Ndukwe plays strong safety for the Cincinnati Bengals. So you automatically assume this post is going to be about another NFL player getting in trouble with the law. But you’re wrong! Ndukwe is actually the Bengals’ rep for the NFL’s “Play 60″ program, designed to help kids be active for at least 60 minutes a day. In addition, Chinedum has also set up his own foundation to help teach children how to eat properly and take better care of themselves. So there!

(Guess who’s taking weight advice from who)

So, who inspired Ndukwe to live & promote a healthier lifestyle? None other than that paragon of perfect health himself: Charlie Weis.

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Poor Notre Dame - its football team gets grief even in May. First, President Obama gets back at commencement hecklers by taking shots at the Fighting Irish squad, and then we have some sort of Charlie Weis media guide fail.

Hecklers who thought they had gotten the best of Obama during Sunday’s commencement speech hadn’t counted on the President’s stop that evening at a Democratic fundraiser in Indianapolis. There he proved that revenge is a dish best served at $1,000 a plate. Read more…

There are many ways for a coach to deal with a tough loss. Most involve profanity, raised voices, and a hair-trigger temper, ready to unload a fusillade of invective at that miserable fat piece of f*cksh*t who missed on that block in the third quarter and let the defensive end decapitate the star QB. That’s usually how a loss goes. But longtime Ohio State coach and opponent-puncher Woody Hayes had his own way of dealing with the stress of a loss: conducting post-game interviews naked.

(OSU wins, and the pants stay on… for now.)

These guys approve, Woody.

That got us to wondering, though: Seeing Woody Hayes give an interview while buck naked would be repulsive. But it could probably get worse, yes? Of course it could; Hayes is hardly the worst-physiqued man in college football history. So after the break, we present the 5 worst coaches to see naked in college football today. Buckle up, bulimics; today’s your lucky day.

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It guess it’s not just to the victor that go the spoils: despite his team falling just short in the Super Bowl, Cardinals offensive coordinator Todd Haley was rewarded for the team’s miracle run, as the KANSAS CITY STAR reports that he has reached an agreement with the Kansas City Chiefs to become their new head coach. Now, with the absolutely mess that the Chiefs are right now, it’s debatable how much of a “reward” this job is. But hey: it’s not the Raiders.

Clearly, by resurrecting the career of Kurt Warner and turning the Cardinals into a fearsome offensive machine, Haley’s proven that he can coach an offense. But can he be the leader? After all, this is someone who never played college football (instead playing and later coaching college golf) and only got into football as a scout in 1995. Can he earn the respect of the players with such little experience?

I don’t want to raise any red flags here, but when you think of “head coach with no college playing experience,” who do you think of? Charlie Weis? And if Haley commands the type of respect and admiration from players and fans that Weis does - yikes. It might even have Chiefs fans longing for the halcyon days of Gunther Cunningham. (Note: this will never happen.)

But I had an inkling this was going to happen. A source (a teammate on my kickball team) mentioned earlier this week that his father spotted Chiefs GM Scott Pioli having a lengthy meal with Todd Haley’s representatives at a Ruth’s Chris Steak House in St. Louis, hurriedly shooing away waiters and looking out for spies (apparently not well enough).

Which brings up an interesting point: Ruth’s Chris Steak House? Really? There was no better place in St. Louis to conduct an important, secretive conversation about your next head coach than a chain steak house? Granted, it’s not Sizzler or Golden Corral, but St. Louis has to have dining options with red leather chairs and lots of dark corners - don’t they have Italian restaurants there? And why not have the meeting in Kansas City? Can someone point him to Yelp, please?

In other news: it turns out that corporate sponsors don’t like it when the person they are using to sell breakfast to millions of kids is pictured taking a rip from a bong. Who knew? CNBC details how Kellogg’s has decided not to renew Michael Phelps’ endorsement contract, which is set to expire at the end of the month. Which was probably going to happen anyway - except very quietly versus with a public statement from the company admonishing Phelps for behavior that “is not consistent with the image of Kellogg.”

At least Phelps can always count on USA Swimming to have his back in their usual, clumsy way. The organization decided to crack the whip on their poster child by giving him a three-month ban, during a time when he wasn’t expected to compete in any meets of significance. (He will miss one meet, but let’s be serious here - if it’s not the Olympics or World Championships. does it really matter?) It’s the equivalent of a five-game baseball suspension for a pitcher, which just means that his next start is pushed back a game.

While all this was going on, there were actual games being played last night. And none were more important - or exciting - than the clash between the Lakers and the Celtics in Boston. The last time the Lakers were seen at the Garden, they were dodging green and white confetti as they exited the court to lick their wounds after having the Celtics pound them like a two dollar steak in their Finals-clinching 131-92 victory.

That didn’t happen this time. Despite Kobe Bryant having an off shooting game (10 of 29 from the field), the Lakers found a way to prevail 110-109 in a seesaw overtime thriller. The key for the Lakers was defense - a concept many thought they had abandoned about a month ago - even without injured center Andrew Bynum, and the scoring of Pau Gasol and Lamar Odom (a combined 44 points).

But if you want to talk about winning, you have to start with Tennessee women’s basketball coach Pat Summitt. After missing at her first attempt earlier in the week against Oklahoma, she notched her 1,000th career win on Thursday, with her Lady Volunteers thumping Georgia, 73-43.

Say what you will about women’s basketball, but that’s an incredible feat. Consider this: in all team sports, only Utah Jazz coach Jerry Sloan has recorded more wins with one team. The difference, of course, is that Summitt actually knows how to win championships (although to be fair to Sloan, she never had to game plan for Michael Jordan.) In other news:

• Is Ray Lewis ready to walk away from the Ravens? It’s appearing more likely after PRO FOOTBALL reports that he has refused to give the team a “hometown discount” in contract negotiations. Could he make his way to the Bengals and rejoin Marvin Lewis? God, we hope so.



• It turns out the NFL did screw up the Santonio Holmes catch: USA TODAY says the league has admitted that the Steelers receiver should have been given a 15-yard penalty for excessive celebration after his Super Bowl-winning catch. As I type, Will Leitch is buying a black market gun and heading to the league offices in New York.
• BALL DON’T LIE wants to slap an asterisk on LeBron James’ triple-double the othe night against the Knicks on the basis of his questionable ninth rebound out of 10. Judge for yourself and see if it should have been credited to him or Ben Wallace:
• Alabama has never had a black head coach in a major sport. Jon Solomon of THE BIRMINGHAM NEWS thinks it’s about time that changes, with the Crimson Tide looking for a replacement for basketball coach Mark Gottfried. (h/t to THE MARCH TO MADNESS)
• Yeah, I guess it’s a “poor decision” for Bowling Green’s star women’s basketball player Nikki McCoy to be driving around with a BA level twice the legal limit and an open bottle of rum in the car. WTOL-TV has details of her inevitable arrest.
• PBA bowler Jason Belmonte bowls like your four-year old son does - except your son probably can’t bowl 300 games. The WALL STREET JOURNAL has the details of one of the weirdest bowling styles you’ll ever see from a pro:
• MLB.COM reports that the Los Angeles Dodgers will host the first-ever Mexican League baseball game in the US in May, as first-division teams Monterrey and the Mexico City Diablos Rojos will battle at Dodger Stadium. Grab yourself an ice cold Horchata and enjoy the game!
• THE BIG LEAD wonders if moving your family to Nevada so your seven-year-old son can play golf full-time is a bit excessive. I would agree, especially since no one is ever going to buy Brett Sodetz-flavored Gatorade.
• According to the ASSOCIATED PRESS, Michael Waltrip is vowing to retire from NASCAR if he isn’t competitive this season. So make sure you say goodbye to him if you go to a NASCAR race this season.
• We are so close to history: the NEW YORK TIMES reports that a 14-year-old set a world record at Guitar Hero with a score of 973,954 on a song by metal shredders DragonForce. Someone is going to break the million point barrier - just call that kid the Roger Bannister of Video Game Nerds.

I’m making a list of people who still like former Buccaneers head coach Jon Gruden. John Daly is one, since he needs all the friends he can get these days. And I’m sure his mother is still very proud of him. After that…it gets pretty dicey. Almost immediately after he was fired by Tampa Bay, his former players lined up to take shots at him. Michael Clayton labeled Gruden “a turncoat“ while Jeff Garcia said the team “needed a change” from Gruden.

Now you can add Simeon Rice to the list of players lining up to rip Gruden, and the former Bucs Pro Bowler isn’t pulling any punches. In an interview with Pat Kirwan and Tim Ryan on Sirius NFL Radio, Rice went off on Gruden, running down a laundry list of players who hate him, and shredding his character like a rat going through an old stack of magazines in your garage:

“How I feel personally? I could tell you that, too. I think he’s a scumbag,” Rice said. “I think he’s a scumbag personally. That’s when he’s telling you one thing and… You know what he told me? ‘Simeon you’ll be here in the next five years.’ I got injured [and] this man’s never said one word to me. I won a Super Bowl for you. I got 13 sacks, 12, 15 every year for you. I balled. I got injured [and] you let me go like it was nothing.”

Now, to be fair, Rice had a grand total of one sack in 2007 after being cut by the Buccaneers and didn’t play last year, so it’s not like Rice showed Gruden what a horrible mistake he made by letting him go. But judging by the stories that keep coming out, releasing an injured player who helped you win a Super Bowl without saying a word to him seems to be right up his alley.

Hmm, let’s see: a “offensive genius” head coach whose teams always have lousy defenses; who is about as likable as genital warts and has the personal skills of Jeff Conaway; and who inspires hatred and disloyalty from former and current players. I’m starting to think that Notre Dame could have stuffed Gruden into a sumo suit and swapped him for Charlie Weis, and no one would have known the difference.

But Jon, if it makes you feel any better, it wasn’t just the fact that your players hate you that got you fired. Apparently the fans all hate you as well. So that’s nice.

Here’s more stories that happened while you were wondering what the South Korean version of “The O’Reilly Factor” must be like (chainsaws optional).

• Oops, they did it again: the Lakers managed to overlook the Charlotte Bobcats and fall 117-110 in double OT. All this with the Bobcats’ best player - Gerald Wallace - missing the overtimes with an injury. The LOS ANGELES TIMES has the gory details of the Lakers’ fifth loss to the Bobcats in their last six meetings. (Really, and these are the title favorites?)



• FOOD COURT LUNCH examines “The Hansbrough Effect,” where college basketball analysts laud the hard work and gritty determination of big, white stiffs who will be sure to flop in the NBA. Which gives me another chance to type Kevin Pittsnogle.
• The BOSTON GLOBE reports that Tom Brady’s rehab is on schedule, and he is on track to start the Patriots 2009 season opener. Which means: get ready for nine months of the Matt Cassel Trade Watch.
• Remember when the brother of Providence guard Jeff Xavier rushed the court and confronted a referee? ESPN.COM reports that Jonathan Xavier is being held without bail for violating his probation from a 2005 drug conviction. I’m shocked that he’d make a bad decision. In case you didn’t see it, here’s the video of the bizarre on-court incident:
  

• Who loves chicken? New Orleans Hornets fans love chicken, especially when they get it for free if the Hornets score 100 points. NOLA.COM has the exciting blow-by-blow as the team sits on 99 with just seconds to go.
• TRAVELIN’ LIGHT says that a resort in Aruba is offering vacation packages for fantasy baseball and football drafts. Sure, the resort might have beautiful beaches, world-class food and exciting casinos, but does it have a Bubble Hockey machine and old NES system with RBI Baseball like my garage? I didn’t think so.
• If you think you’ve had a rough life, think about Arizona Cardinals lineman Darnell Dockett, who found his mother murdered, execution style, when he was 13. And then his father died of cancer four months later. The GANNETT NEWS SERVICE has a moving piece on his relationship with his uncle, who helped him get his life back on track.
• Meanwhile, Dockett’s fellow Florida State alum Peter Warrick is pretty far removed from the Super Bowl: The BLOOMINGTON-NORMAL PANTAGRAPH reports that he’s signed a contract with the Bloomington Extreme of the minor-league Indoor Football League. Just in case he is curious, the nearest Dillard’s in 100 miles away in Moline.
• The Braves need a power hitter to provide protection for Chipper Jones and Brian McCann. Enter Jeff Francoeur and .239 batting average. MLB.COM says that Jones, for one, is thrilled to have “Frenchy” back. Hey, if your other option is Andruw Jones, anything looks good.
• Ever nearly kill yourself trying to get that stuck bag of chips dislodged from a vending machine? Me too! Now there’s a video game for you: Adult Swim’s Ultimate Vending Machine Challenge.

During the last few weeks there have been plenty of football coaches in the NFL being fired from their jobs, but I don’t think any of them were as surprising as Denver’s decision to dump Mike Shanahan after 14 years. Sure, the Broncos had only had one playoff win in the last ten years, but Shanahan had Bill Cowher status in Denver, and I thought he’d be there until he decided to leave. Now that he’s gone, I can only wonder how he feels knowing that he has been replaced by a guy who was only 18 years old when he first took the Broncos job.

Yes, that’s right, the Broncos have found Shanahan’s replacement, and it’s none other than New England Patriots offensive coordinator Josh McDaniels.

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Just when Charlie Weis was starting to feel safe for the next year, Florida coach Urban Meyer goes and torpedoes his holiday shopping spree. After all, when the most successful college football coach of the past three years says he really wants your job, that can’t improve job security, can it? Short answer: No. Longer answer: Nooooooo, not at all.

(Don’t expect this man to wear headsets in Florida forever.)

If you don’t believe Meyer, well, take a gander at the quote itself, which came from an interview he did with South Florida radio station 560 WQAM, via the ORLANDO SENTINEL: “(coaching Notre Dame is) still my dream job; that hasn’t changed”

Sounds pretty straight forward, doesn’t it? Well, there’s a catch: Meyer won’t make any kind of a move to South Bend until his kids are done with school in the Gainesville area. Well, a little further inspection only makes that stipulation even more intriguing.

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Last week the Browns had two viable starting quarterbacks. Now they have none. Enter NFL re-tread and perpetual third-stringer Ken Dorsey. If Romeo Crennel didn’t have enough to worry about already, the loss of both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson in two weeks means that his future as Cleveland’s head coach depends on a quarterback who has thrown a grand total of three passes all season. Oh, and none of them have been completed.

(This is not what Cleveland fans were looking for.)

The quarterback conundrum (hey, it’s not a controversy) comes as a result of an ESPN report that Anderson will be lost for the season after straining his left MCL in the fourth quarter of the Browns’ 10-6 loss to the Colts on Sunday. That’s right, they couldn’t score more than six points with Anderson, a Pro Bowler last year, which can’t make Dorsey optimistic about his own chances guiding the Browns offense.

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• The ex-wife of Bruce Pearl puts her alimony money to amusing use.

• LeBron James receives a Madison Square Garden reception fit for a king.

• Brian Urlacher dresses his kid in pink diapers & blue nail polish.

• Giants kicker wants the President to pardon his pot-peddling brother.

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You might remember that Charlie Weis did all he could to rehab his image through the media during the offseason, but apparently the real Chuck is still seeping through.

(Yep, they’re jumping off Chuckwagon in droves now)

The CHICAGO TRIBUNE today relates an embarrassing story about Weis as he was recruiting Terrelle Pryor last year. Very embarrassing. Read more…