Speed Read: An Evening Of Florida Pillow-Fighting

Normally, you don’t see a broadcast booth spend a plurality of a football game raving about the “time of possession” statistic. Then again, normally, you don’t see a team win said battle by a full 30 minutes of game time, which is precisely what Miami did to Indianapolis last night. And then again, you don’t normally see a team control the ball for fewer than 15 minutes of the game… and win anyway.

Pierre Garcon gets two thumbs down
(”Okay, so you just scored the go-ahead touchdown. Allow me to retort: BOOOO THUMBS DOWN TO YOU BOOOOOOO!”)

But lo and behold, thanks to the quickest of quick-strike offenses, the Colts did exactly that; thanks to touchdown drives of 1, 6, and 4 plays, Indianapolis prevailed in Miami, 27-23. Indeed, the Colts’ longest drive of the night was a 9-play drive that led to a 2nd quarter field goal; on the other side of the field, the Fins had exactly one shorter drive: an 8-play, 25-yard drive that ended in a punt. After that, literally every drive of theirs was 9 plays or longer. That’s the longest shortest drive since [ERROR WE ARE NOT ELIAS SPORTS BUREAU CLIENTS ABORT, RETRY, FAIL?].

Ah, but without turnovers, time of possession is effectively meaningless. Read more…

Dolphins WR Not LOLing At His Twitter Imposter

The Miami Dolphins seem to be having a personality crisis with their players - literally. Last week, first-round draft pick Vontae Davis had to deny reports that he had been arrested in Illinois - it turns out someone had stolen his wallet and used his ID when he was in school. Now, Davone Bess is dealing with his own imposter, as his agent tells FOX SPORTS that NFL security has been contacted over a fake Twitter account.

Davone Bess

Bess had a good rookie season for the Dolphins, but why anyone would choose to impersonate him is somewhat baffling. But that didn’t stop someone with the screen name “Lambo Weezy” from claiming to be Bess and making ridiculous claims - like challenging Titans RB Chris Johnson to a foot race, which would be nuts since Johnson might be the fastest player in the NFL and Bess went undrafted out of Hawaii after running the 40 in a subpar 4.8 at the NFL Combine.

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Ultimate Warrior Goes Wacko On The Late Jacko

• The Ultimate Warrior is nice enough to add his two ultimate cents on the dearly departed Michael Jackson.

Ultimate Warrior Michael Jackson

Christian Laettner is being sued by Shawne Merriman. CL better get a good lawyer and an even better bodyguard.

• A Texas Longhorns lineman learns the hard way why you shouldn’t text & drive by plowing into a co-ed’s apartment.

• An Aussie rugby coach is serious enough about drunken behavior on his team that he fines himself $10,000 for stumbling into the wrong hotel room.

Larry Johnson shows he can treat the ladies right by buying some gals in Vegas a really big champagne bottle.

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Chad Pennington Will Seduce You With Pastiness

Is there a cooler athlete on the planet than Chad Pennington? Check it out: here’s Chad pumping iron, and there’s Chad acknowledging your presence. “Haaayyyy …” Form an orderly line, ladies. It was all for a photo shoot for the July/August issue of SOBEFIT MAGAZINE, an excerpt of which is online now. Link to that, and a video of the shoot, below.

Chad Pennington

So it’s beyond me why athletes do these; perhaps the Dolphins’ quarterback wanted to outdo Mark Sanchez? Or maybe have some of that Tom Brady magic dust rub off on him? Or get him some sweet, sweet supermodel? The answers are shrouded in mystery.

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Favre Comes Up Small In Snow; Jets In Trouble

Bill Simmons said in his column this week that it might be a bit unreasonable to expect Brett Favre to be able to deal with repeated cold weather down the stretch. And that was quite apparent today, as Favre was outplayed by the legendary Seneca Wallace and the Seahawks beat the Jets 13-3.

Brett Favre

(”Ahhhh! What do I do?!?!”)

The game had added meaing for the ‘Hawks, as it was coach Mike Holmgren’s final home game with the team. The Jets, who could’ve kept the division lead with a win, are now on life support. They have to beat the Dolphins next week and hope that the Bills upset the Patriots.

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About The AFC East … It’s Even More Confusing

Remember when everyone thought the Jets were going to run away with the AFC East after pulling out a gutsy, overtime win in New England? Funny how two disappointing losses in two weeks can change everything. Suddenly, after a shocking 24-14 loss to the woeful 49ers, Brett Favre’s Jets are in a tie atop the AFC East with the Patriots, who rallied just when it looked like they were dead for a 24-21 win in Seattle. Oh, and just to make things more difficult, the Dolphins won, too, which puts all three teams at 8-5, in a dead-even tie at the top.

favre confused

(Don’t ask Brett who’s going to win. He’s got no idea what’s going on.)

Before you get optimistic that the division might work itself out, realize that the Jets, Patriots and Dolphins really could be headed toward a Big 12 South-style finish. The Jets play the Bills and Seahawks — two teams they should beat — before facing off with the Dolphins in the final game of the season. Of course, the Jets should have beaten both the Broncos at home and 49ers on the road, so a loss wouldn’t be shocking. Miami, meanwhile, gets the red-hot 49ers (a potential loss) and the fairly-horrendous Chiefs before the Dolphins and Jets finish the season with each other.

What’s significant about that? Well, if the Jets win the next two weeks and Miami loses once, a Dolphins victory in the season-finale would put the teams level in victorious and in head-to-head matchups; in that scenario, Miami, New England and New York would all be 1-1 against each other.

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Dolphins End Patriots’ 21-Game Winning Streak

And there goes the perfect season. Everyone knew the Patriots wouldn’t stand a chance at matching last year’s (almost) perfect season after Tom Brady lost the various CLs in his leg, but who would’ve guessed that the lowly Miami Dolphins would be the ones to break their winning streak. Or that they’d do it in such convincing fashion?

Bill Belichick, not happy

The loss ends the Patriots’ run of 21 straight regular-season victories. Meanwhile, the win for the Dolphins matches all of the victories they had all of last season. And hey, did you hear about this Ronnie Brown fella? He had a pretty decent game.

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Coles Misses Pennington, But Doesn’t Hate Favre

Soon after the Jets released Chad Pennington to make way for Peter King’s personal lord and savior Brett Favre, wide receiver Laveranues Coles was characterized as being none too pleased with the move, primarily because he and Pennington were BFFs.

Jets on Sesame Street

He eventually accepted that his friend wasn’t coming back, and has since moved on. Sort of. Yesterday, he spoke candidly about how tough it’s been transitioning to a new quarterback.

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Culpepper Can’t Capture A QB Job, Calls It Quits

Daunte Culpepper has announced that he’s retiring from the NFL after nine seasons, and at the age of 31.

The reason behind Daunte’s decision to hang them up is that he can’t find a job in the NFL, or at least, not one that he deems worthy of him. Apparently the man who took the NFL by storm in 2000 with the Minnesota Vikings and had many thinking he would revolutionize the way the quarterback position is played, still thinks he’s the greatest quarterback of all time.

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Brog: Pennington’s Balls Deep Better Than Brett’s

Seems like the Jets trading for quatrogenarian mad bomber Brett Favre and dispatching weak-armed Chad Pennington was a home run for Eric Mangini’s charges, eh? If you listened to NFL TV domepieces since the deal, you’d think the move means the Jets now will do a better job throwing the ball deeper down field.

Chad Pennington Better Balls Deep Than Brett Favre Statistical Comparison

One small detail though, the Elias Sports Bureau reports that over the past four years, Pennington has been much, MUCH more effective than Favre on passing attempts of 20 yards or more.

Tim Graham of ESPN.com yesterday highlighted the figures in his blog, which I heard about today on Dan Le Batard’s WAXY-AM show in Miami. As you might expect, those statz has South Florida a little more excited about Pennington, with equal parts bemusement.

Great find by A.J. Daulerio over at DEADSPIN:

Sean Salisburyt

(Someone might consider upping the wattage on those softboxes)

Sean “The Brand” Salisbury has been unearthed doing commentary for a new site called OpenSports.com. Salisbury will apparently be on the Mike Florio schedule (seven days per week). We’ll see how long that lasts.

Honest to god, the first thing I thought of when I saw the URL “OpenSports.com” was it was somehow related to the gay sports site OutSports.com. But alas, Tim Hardaway is apparently not among the new site’s early wave of hires (though he’s available).

It’s a little amusing to see Cris Collinsworth covering the Olympics, but he’s no less qualified than half the reporters on-site. NBC Universal employees right now must feel a little like the National Guard. You can be 50-years-old and hopelessly underqualified for the job, but that doesn’t mean you won’t soon be in a funny looking uniform, halfway ’round the world on 48 hours notice.

Jim Gray Hollywood Star Crapped On

Sports TV execs are enjoying a brief respite from Jim Gray, as the mostly-unemployed broadcaster has called off the stalking for now, after landing the prestigious role of “boxing reporter,” on NBC’s Olympic coverage. I wonder if a monitoring anklet was part of the arrangement - and Dick Ebersol checking into his hotel as “Charles Bronson.”

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