Chad Couldn’t Even Spell His New Name Right

No one believed Chad Johnson when he said he would legally change his name to reflect his nickname, “Ocho Cinco.” But that’s just what he did last summer, in an attempt to wear the name on his uniform. The NFL balked, saying he’d have to pay for the already-made Johnson jerseys. Well, no more is he shackled to his human name.

Chad Ochocinco

The NFL finally agreed this week to let him put his new name on the back of his uniform. And therein lies hilarity. He’s only allowed to wear his legal name, and his legal name isn’t “Ocho Cinco.” It seems when Chad filled out the paperwork to change his name, he didn’t get it quite how he wanted.

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The NFL Draft Rumor Snack Bag: Who’s Going #2?

Here’s a taste of the NFL draft rumor, innuendo, and other glorious nonsense (including, occasionally, fact-based content) for your consideration just before the NFL Draft starts around 4 pm ET:

John Elway

(What happened with John Elway won’t happen with Matthew Stafford, thanks to his bank-busting deal with the Detroit Lions to go #1 overall)

Who else might be on the move, including a number you usually don’t hear about on draft day? Read on!

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Ocho Cinco Skips Workouts, Costing Him $250,000

Wide receivers are, for the most part, strange men, but few take it as far as Chad Ocho Cinco. First… well, his name is Chad Ocho Cinco. He legally changed his name so he could have a different uniform. It’s been over a year and that’s still just mind-boggling. His quirks and antics were entertaining sideshows while he was one of the best receivers in the business, and they always had an element of mirth that was missing from the more, shall we say, acidic me-first receivers (by which we mean Terrell Owens).

Chad Johnson Hall of Fame jacket
(Um, about that…)

But as Ocho Cinco’s skills have begun to diminish, so has the light-heartedness of his behavior. Wearing a Hall of Fame jacket (above) is much funnier than, let’s say, repeated trade demands. Then there’s this, his refusal to join in mandatory workouts with the Bengals. While that’s not terribly calamitous for the team, it does come at a rather substantial cost to Chad–a quarter of a million dollars. Or, as the Spanish would say, uh, el quarter of a million dollars (We never took Spanish class).

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Will Vikings’ Punter Change Name To ‘Warcraft?’

We all thought Chad Johnson was crazy when he changed his name to Ocho Cinco. We thought Greg White was weird and a little obsessed with “Teen Wolf” when he changed his name to Stylez G. White. But those are large, strong men, who we would never dare make fun of to their face. But what if you met a punter named World of Warcraft?

Warcraft Jersey

That’s Chris Kluwe of the Vikings, who’s either the biggest video game nerd in the world, or the shrewdest businessman in the world. Can you imagine how many people would buy an officially licensed jersey with “Warcraft” on the back? On the other hand, there might be a few extra “running into the kicker” penalties next year. Chris Kluwe is stupid like a fox, after the jump.

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Speed Read: Is Philly Really Ready For A Parade?

Well, it’s been one whole night since Philadelphia has won a major sports championship. I can’t imagine how Philly sports fans are dealing with the drought - based on Wednesday night, I’d guess getting hammered, overturning and then setting fire to a school bus full of children. If they are getting restless, the ticker tape parade is today, but the PHILADELPHIA DAILY NEWS says mayor Michael Nutter has one simple request: don’t “be a jackass.” Next I guess you want Philly fans to stop rooting for the Phillies, Mr. Mayor?

Phillies fans

Also ready to overturn things, but this time in anger - Fox Sports and MLB executives, after the Nielsen ratings showed that the 2008 World Series were the lowest-rated ever. But don’t worry - Fox and Commissioner Bud Selig both want you to know it was all the fault of the weather.

Les Nessman

They weren’t necessarily rioting in the streets of Cincinnati last night - although Thanksgiving is coming up, and that does mean the legendary WKRP Turkey Drop is coming back to downtown! But, beating a ranked team does count for something, even if it was only No. 24 South Florida, who played like turkeys again. (Ha! See what I did there? Professional writer, folks.) I like Bulls’ head coach Jim Leavitt well enough, but another collapse in the second half of the season? Going 8-7 in your last 15 games against FBS opponents is not good.

What is good is being 21 and having $57.4 million in your pocket. That’s what Andrew Bynum has after signing a four-year extension with the Lakers on Thursday. All for a player who has started a whopping 80 games in his career and averaged a shade over seven points per game. But he has that infamous “unlimited upside potential” that Jay Bilas drives into your head each draft, even if this probably means the end for Lamar Odom in LA.

  • The only thing with more comedic potential than Mike Singletary as 49ers head coach? Diego Maradona, new Argentina soccer coach. GOAL.COM reports his first match will be Nov. 19 against Scotland. Given his reputation and history of problems, this is like John Daly being named PGA Tour Commissioner.
  • Diego Maradona tattoo

  • Maradona could probably help the East Timor soccer team - even now as a player, since they are the worst team in the world according to FIFA. So as the NEW YORK TIMES says, they have to feel pretty good about tying Cambodia, their first game ever that they didn’t lose. They were dancing in the streets of…East Timor City? I’m too lazy to Wikipedia that.
  • The MIAMI HERALD has news that Florida might be muzzling linebacker Brandon Spikes and keeping him from commenting on the upcoming Presidential election. Romeo Crennel approves of this concept.
  • The 47-year-old man who was found by paramedics at 47-year-old Isiah Thomas’ house was not breathing when they arrived. The NEW YORK TIMES uses its esteemed powers of reporting to find out from police sources who this mystery man was.
  • The READING EAGLE has word that Joe Paterno is going to get his right hip and leg fixed after this season, and that he plans on returning next season.  Somehow, Paterno is still in better physical shape than Greg Oden.
  • The OCALA STAR BULLETIN reports that former NBA All-Star “Fast” Eddie Johnson has been found guilty of molesting an eight-year-old girl and is facing a mandatory life sentence.
  • Remember way back when Colts vs. Patriots was the highlight of the regular season- like the last four seasons? SI.COM looks at a rivalry in flux.
  • Someone get the NHL marketing team off of the ledge: the PITTSBURGH POST-GAZETTE says that modern-day meal ticket Sidney Cosby’s rib injury suffered last night is minor.

We thought INSERT NAME OF CITY HERE knew how to riot, but which city really knows how to riot after winning a title?

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LeBron Stumps For Obama, Chad Misses Chance

In less than a week, the citizens of the United States of America will be hitting the voting booths to select a candidate who will lead this great nation for the next four years. (Unless you already voted early, or said candidate gets impeached at some point.) And in the electoral battleground of Ohio, a couple of the Buckeye State’s biggest sports stars are doing some last-minute stumping.

LeBron James Barack Obama

While Brady Quinn has already courageously did his part for John McCain, LeBron James is rallying to back Barack Obama. CLEVELAND.COM reports that the Cavs star will be hosting a special event at the Quicken Loans Arena tonight to show his support for the Democratic presidential hopeful. Joining LeBron at the Q will be his buddy (and future boss?) Jay-Z. King James hopes tonight’s performance goes better than last night’s.

On the other side of the state, Chad Javon Ocho Cinco Johnson Esq. reportedly had his own special tribute planned for the Illinois senator.

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“No-cho Cinco” For Chad Johnson This Season

You know, you’d think that Chad Johnson would’ve asked a few questions to make sure everything was going to work out before he went and changed his freaking last name. But that would probably be asking to much, right?

Ocho Cinco

It appears as if he will not get to wear his new last name, “Ocho Cinco” (actually, “D’oh-cho Cinco” would be more appropriate now) on his uniform at all this season because of a contractual situation with Reebok. It would cost him what is described as “a lot of money” to make the switch, as Reebok has an inventory of jerseys with his old name on them. Which or course now begs the question: what if he’s not with the Bengals next year, and what if he has to wear like 84 or something?

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Bengals Linebacker Tests Positive For Steroids

After the Bengals fell to 0-4 a couple of weeks ago, Chad Johnson Ocho Cinco Cero Cinco came up with a theory as to why the team was losing.   “We have cleaned house and nobody is getting in trouble anymore — no DUIs, no arrests.  Now we’re getting … whupped. I don’t know. Maybe I should go out, have a drink, get in trouble.”   Chad didn’t live up to his word, and as a result, the Bengals went and got beat by the Cowboys last Sunday.

Darryl Blackstock

Now it appears that somebody has heard Chad’s call to arms.   He didn’t get drunk and go driving around Cincinnati, get into any bar fights, or pick up any underage girls, but reserve linebacker Darryl Blackstock did get himself suspended.

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Blog Jam: Someone Translate 0-16 Into Spanish

Chad Ocho Cinco

Cardinals Turn Trent Edwards Into Kimbo Slice

What a difference a week made for the Cardinals. One week after getting blown out by the Jets and having receiver Anquan Boldin get knocked silly at the end of the game, Arizona turned the tables and was the one putting the hurt on their opponents, in this case handing the Buffalo Bills a 41-17 defeat.

Trent Edwards KOed

And I mean that they put the hurt on the Bills literally: Buffalo QB Trent Edwards was knocked out of the game on the team’s third play of the series after a hard hit by Cardinals safety Adrian Wilson. The God of concussions can take away and he can give, too.

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