Last week Dallas Cowboys defensive tackle/convicted felon Tank Johnson got a bit bent out of shape after he felt the Washington Redskins celebrated a bit too much after beating the Cowboys. In particular, Tank was upset with Rock Cartwright for standing on the Cowboys star at midfield and playing to the crowd.

Well, if Tank was ticked off with Rock over just standing on the star, he better hope the Cowboys secondary can keep Chad Ocho Cinco out of the end zone this Sunday. If they can’t, Chad has already got some plans for how he’s going to celebrate.

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• YOU BEEN BLINDED splashes up a clip of Torii Hunter celebrating the Angels’ AL West title with a tribute to Michael Phelps.

We understand that Stephanie Rice is swimming her way to Anaheim as we speak.

• Sure he can do a mean Milli Vanilli, but LARRY BROWN SPORTS discovers Jonathan Papelbon’s real talent - cross-dressing for high school productions of “Dirty Dancing“.

• If New England is looking for a QB, Jason Whitlock of the KANSAS CITY STAR suggests the Pats get on the phone with Jeff George.

• Palmer? Bush? Leinart? FIRST & BIG TEN has an interesting interview with the USC player really responsible for the Trojans’ re-emergence: former WR John Zilka.

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• Finally, a blog solely dedicated to the comely cuties of the court - may we present HOT FEMALE TENNIS PLAYERS.

• Speaking of, The UK GUARDIAN never knew Maria Sharapova could be so animated.

• The TENNESSEAN is pained to find Titans LB Keith Bulluck suggesting another name change for the artist formerly known as Chad Johnson - “Oucho Cinco“.

• YOU BEEN BLINDED learns that although Packers fans may never forget Brett Favre, they already forgot how to spell his name.

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• Need to make it to a high school football game on time? Just do like Rick Neuheisel does - call in the choppers!

• Maybe Vince Young knew what was going to happen when he didn’t want to go back on the field on Sunday.

• Sorry, Chad - no Ocho Cinco game jersey for you this week.

• With Brady bounced for the year, are New England Patriots fans ready to rally ’round the Cassel?

• One Colts fan bucks at the thought of paying $1,280 for brand-new stadium seats that turn out to have obstructed views.

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Poor Chad Ocho Cinco. The former Chad Johnson went through the trouble of changing his name, and not for the normal, mundane reasons — marriage, religioius beliefs, witness protection — but for strictly selfish ones: he wanted to get paid.

You see, players get a percentage for every NFL jersey sold bearing their name. “Ocho Cinco” would’ve been a big hit with the kids, and presumably allowed Mr. Ocho Cinco to buy those gold fronts he’s been enviously eyeing. The NFL higher-ups have other ideas, it seems, because the league only recognizes Chad Johnson, at least for merchandise-related purposes:

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• DEADSPIN checks the want ads, and discovers that the Sun-Timesless Jay Mariotti might be looking for a web designer.

• FROM THE MARBLES feels scalped in listening to Joe Gibbs make a lame Redskins joke during his RNC speech last night.

• Inspired by Chad Johnson’s name change to Chad Ocho Cinco, NEXT ROUND suggests some other surname switches for certain NFL stars.

• UNCOACHED catches one Virginia fan showing his sons some of the finer fun activities of tailgating - such as a rousing game of beer pong.

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For some reason, people care that Chad Johnson recently changed his name to Chad Javon Ocho Cinco. Fans cite this as more proof that Mr. Ocho Cinco is an egotistical jerk only interested in self-promotion. Maybe, but I’m not sure adding the Spanish words for “eight” and “five” to your driver’s license suddenly means you haven’t always been a narcissist.

Presumably, Johnson made Ocho Cinco his legal name because it’s decidedly lucrative; he’ll get a percentage of each new “Ocho Cinco” jersey sold. Whatever, the NFL has decided to play along and will allow the wide receiver formerly known as Johnson to go forth and wreak havoc.

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• Tatum Bell, recently of the Detroit Lions, thought it would be hilarious to steal the bags of the guy who replaced him on the roster. Apparently, he didn’t count on the team having surveillance cameras. Either that or he’s just stupid.

• Rockies manager Clint Hurdle hates the Dodgers because … well, I have no idea. Seems like a lot of energy to waste on a team that won the NL West one time this decade.

• Toronto Argonauts wide receiver Arland Bruce III breaks out quite possibly the most arbitrary touchdown celebration in the history of tackle football: he donned a Spider-Man mask. Chad Javon Ocho Cinco is unimpressed.

• This makes sense: Ben Gordon, Chicago Bulls guard and British citizen might consider playing in Russia for the right price. It’s all very urbane. Or maybe he’s just trying to make a few extra bucks on his NBA deal.

• Good news: Floyd Mayweather Jr. is giving away $100,000. Bad news: it’s a reward for information leading to the recovery of $7 million worth of his stolen jewelry. Read more…

• STET SPORTS BLOG catches Maryland coach Ralph Friedgen almost pulling a Mike Gundy after a close win over Delaware.

• WALKOFF WALK hurls up word that Todd Rundgren’s son is playing for the Dodgers’ Triple-A team in Vegas. (For those wondering who the heck Todd Rundgren is, he’s the guy that did that “Bang On The Drum All Day” song.)

• DEUCE OF DAVENPORT doesn’t know what to say, as researchers discover that watching sports can make you a better speaker.

• SIGNAL TO NOISE isn’t so pleased with everyone jumping to conclusions about Richard Collier’s character, just because the Jags lineman was shot in a drive-by attack.

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• Ana Ivanovic gets bounced from the second round of the U.S. Open by the 188th-ranked player in the world.

Well, at least Ana is still an alluring eyeful.

• A jerk who jotted down racist emails to Derek Jeter will be jammed into a jail cell for the next four years.

• Guess Beijing wasn’t the only Olympics to have pseudo-realistic ceremonies - isn’t that right, Sydney Symphony Orchestra?

• One Florida Gators running back doesn’t find his sex ed classes all that stimulating.

• Adios, Chad Johnson - Bienvenidos, Chad Ocho Cinco!

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