The Chicago Cubs have lost their last four games, and since it’s September and they are the Chicago Cubs, panic is beginning to hit the streets of Chicago. There must be something the team can do to break this 100-year old curse….

Yep, the Chicago Cubs and the distributors of the Dutch made vodka Effen have teamed up to help relieve the pressure currently mounting on the team. A billboard just like the one you see above you will be placed across the street from Wrigley Field starting this Thursday.

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Carlos Zambrano missed his scheduled start on Sunday with what the Cubs are calling “a tired arm.” While I’m sure that Zambrano’s arm might be plenty sore, I think it’s fair to point out that in comparison to his teammate Koyie Hill, he seems like a huge wimp. As the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES reports, Hill was called up to the big league roster on Monday, less than a year after almost losing three fingers and his thumb on his right hand in a wood saw accident.

I believe we can all agree that Joel Zumaya and his “Guitar Hero” injury looks more and more like a giant sissy everyday after hearing stories like this.

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Carlos Zambrano did it all against the Cincinnati Reds yesterday. Not only did the Cubs ace toss 7 innings of 1-run ball to go along with his game- winning homer, but he managed to do so with only half of his upper right molar intact.

(I’m okay, it wath only my toof.)

Prior to the start of the fifth inning, Cubs trainer Mark O’Neal rushed to the mound to tend to a grimacing Zambrano without knowing his dentistry problem. By the time he got there, Big Z had remedied the situation by spitting out the cracked piece of molar, and after a brief mound conference, he was primed to pitch again.

Check out the root (tee-hee!) of the injury, after the jump.

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• What the hell does DUMP CASEY BLAKE (dot blogspot dot com) do when Mark Shapiro actually dumps him on Steady Neddy Colletti? Dump David Dellucci, of course. Although I recommend just sticking with the same name myself. Also: Ned loves Blake. He’s a gamer. Just a tough gamer. Clearly.

• YOU BEEN BLINDED dials up video of Carlos Zambrano getting K-balled in a fast pitch softball league from back in June.

• MISTER IRRELEVANT eulogizes the loss of Red Lasso, every blogger’s best friend. I, for one, welcome Brian Powell as our new video overlord.

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• RIGHT DOWN PEACHTREE compares the calamities suffered by injured Atlanta Braves players to those of Spinal Tap drummers.

• SLAM ONLINE tries to translate some post-series quotes from the winners and losers (and non-participants) of this year’s NBA Finals.

• SONS OF BILL SIMMONS discovers that Marla Maples, one of the ex-wives of Donald Trump, is looking fine for a 44-year-old.

• SIGNAL TO NOISE says that Portugal’s soccer team is the Los Angeles Lakers of Euro 2008 - so they won’t be winning a title, either.

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Great catch by HARRY AND HAWK in a CHICAGO TRIBUNE piece regarding Carlos Zambrano’s caffeine withdrawal (quick answer: not going well). Apparently, Chicago Cubs manager Lou Piniella has been hanging out on Rush Street after the games because he’s spotted an unnerving trend the kids are into:

“I’ve never had Red Bull in my life, but I’ve actually seen people at a bar order Red Bull and vodka. I can’t comprehend that. If I had a couple of those things, I’d be like the malt liquor bull (from the old TV commercials) leaving the bar. My lord.”

Can you believe that? Whatsoever will the kids be into next? Maybe soda in their milk? Gin in their juice? My word!
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• Turns out it was Jason Smith that was the anonymous Sixer who made merry with Mary Carey.

• Motorcross racer Sophia Paull is sure to rev some engines.

• Congraualtions, Larry Fitzgerald! You’re officially a proud papa!

• Here’s photographic proof that Michelle Wie & Robin Lopez are an item.

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Can we get a straight diagnosis on Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano? MLB.COM says his potassium level is low, while the SUN-TIMES says it’s more than that. It’s all that damn Red Bull. Hey, at least it’s not a twisted testicle. (Yet.)

(”C’mon, dude, gimme a sip of your Mountain Dew!” “No way man, you owe me from the last one.” “You know I’m good for it!”)

His hydration problems came to light on Monday when he “changed sweat-soaked shirts three times during Monday’s start,” even though he had plenty of fluids, including Gatorade. In the 7th inning, they had to yank him in lieu of a reliever because of muscle cramps. So they’re going to send his sweat to the Gatorade Sports Science Institute for evaluation. Read more…