STEROID NATION reports that Ben Johnson, perhaps inspired by the literary masterpieces from the pen of Jose Canseco, will be writing his own autobiography. Tentatively titled Seoul to Soul, it’s sure to be a compelling, honest look at his steroid-induced rise to fame and fall from grace after dusting Carl Lewis in the 100 meters at the 1988 Summer Olympics. Or, it could be page after page of him again refusing to take the blame.

I feel like I’ve seen some version of this story a hundred times now, and I have a hard time believing that Johnson’s story is going to be fresh or relevant. However, there is way that Johnson can take his “disgraced athlete tell-all book” and make it stand out while reaching a new market: pop-up books for children.

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• Tom Brady realizes chicks & Patriots fans really dig his pigskin prowess, but God doesn’t.

• Olympic athletes sporting tattoos could have more under their skin than just ink.

• A Red Sox fan is suing a Yankees fan for beating him up - and for wearing that stupid bluetooth headset.

• Shaq shares his secrets of success through the wonders of the Webinar.

• An ex-Toledo Rockets b-ball player has been charged in a point-shaving scandal.

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With the Olympics set to begin in Beijing tomorrow night, I’ve been spending a lot of time lately trying to get myself into a patriotic mood (and injecting steroids through tattoos of course). One of my methods is by singing the National Anthem to myself in the bathroom mirror. Using my comb as a microphone, I’ve been belting out some rather tear-inducing renditions - and have had the cops called on my home twice.

I am not deterred, however, for it doesn’t matter how horrible I am at singing, my love for this country won’t be denied by anybody. I should point out, though, that even if my version of the Anthem isn’t too good, it’s still better than the one Carl Lewis performed 15 years ago at a New Jersey Nets/Chicago Bulls game back on January 21st, 1993. That was horrible. Don’t believe me? Check it out for yourself.

Scary, right? Well things could be getting even scarier as Lewis tells CNBC’s Darren Rovell that he’d be willing to do it again.

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Sasha Vujacic’s final shot gave grief to gamblers? You can bet on it!

• Don Shula wonders if new Dolphins prez Bill Parcells is so good, why does he keep changing jobs?

• Best not to block Big Brown during the Belmont, or his trainer’s gonna shoot somebody.

• A high school wrestling coach has been let go after his assistant was trying to suplex Muslim students into Christianity.

• Good to see Jenna Jameson staying in practice for her profession.

• A letter intercepted in jail may help solve the murder of Denver Bronco Darrent Williams.

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Turns out Carl Lewis wasn’t the only celebrity to recently suffer a sorrowful ceremonial first pitch.

BIG LEAGUE STEW tosses us news that Mariah Carey was asked to do the honors for the Yomiuri Giants of Japan. The songstress showed good from - however, we’re not talking about her hurling prowess.

(Video of Mariah’s pitching performance after the jump.) Read more…

For some reason I’ve never seen this, until spotted from a link on DEADSPIN today. UH-OH!

Along with that indestructible animated gif (sorry MLB jackballs!), there’s plenty more priceless first-pitch disasters videos culled by FAN IQ. Enjoy!