Did you know that Red M&M’s will give you cancer? And that KFC can’t legally use the word “chicken” anymore? And that Vitaminwater contains substances banned by the NCAA? They’re all about as true as Mikey dying from mixing Pop Rocks and Coke.

The media breathlessly jumped all over the story this week that certain flavors of Vitaminwater, made by NCAA sponsor Coca-Cola, contain certain performance-enhancing chemicals that can cause a player to fail drug tests, therefore losing his eligibility and livelihood. Likely forwarded to you by the same person who sends you emails with the subject line “Forward This to 10 Friends and Your Wish Will Come True,” the news was even seized upon by Drug Free Sports. Problem is, it’s not true.

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Can we get a straight diagnosis on Cubs pitcher Carlos Zambrano? MLB.COM says his potassium level is low, while the SUN-TIMES says it’s more than that. It’s all that damn Red Bull. Hey, at least it’s not a twisted testicle. (Yet.)

(”C’mon, dude, gimme a sip of your Mountain Dew!” “No way man, you owe me from the last one.” “You know I’m good for it!”)

His hydration problems came to light on Monday when he “changed sweat-soaked shirts three times during Monday’s start,” even though he had plenty of fluids, including Gatorade. In the 7th inning, they had to yank him in lieu of a reliever because of muscle cramps. So they’re going to send his sweat to the Gatorade Sports Science Institute for evaluation. Read more…