My favorite scene in Caddyshack is when Ted Knight as Judge Smails throws his putter 500 feet after losing a bet to Rodney Dangerfield’s consonant-challenged Al Czervik. The club ends up buried in some old lady’s cranium, who Smails assures, “it slipped.”
Last Saturday at the Australian Masters, a scenario played out that was very, very similar. After botching a drive, Tiger Woods clearly whipped his driver into the crowd in disgust.
Boy, that was some U.S. Open last week, wasn’t it? Eh, all anyone will remember is how much it rained and that neither Tiger nor Phil won it. (No offense, Danny Lucas Glover.) But while Bethpage Black became Bethpage bath, Bill Murray stopped by to soak in all the fun - literally!
But you may ask yourself, what does Bill Murray have to do with golf? And if you do ask such a question, turn in your man card immediately. And if you’re a woman asking this question, your husband/boyfriend must rip up their man cards post haste. Why Mr. Murray was one of the seminal pieces of the greatest motion picture ever made about life on the links: Tin Cup…er, Caddyshack.
Yeah, Bill’s gettin’ older and doing more serious film work, trying to ease away from slapstick lowbrow comedy. But he’s at a freakin’ golf course - couldn’t he give us a least a smidgen of Carl Spackler?
Andrew Giuliani’s absurd lawsuit against Duke University for kicking him off the golf team was just the latest frivolous litigation that ties up our courts and wastes taxpayer dollars. That’s what I thought, at least, until a district court judge told Li’l Giuliani to go play in the sand trap, with the greatest legal screed of our times.
(You’ll get nothing, and like it.)
I’d like to nominate Wallace W. Dixon for the Supreme Court, because his written opinion savages Giuliani’s case by way of some awesome golf puns and even quotes from Caddyshack. As Ty Webb would say, “Don’t sell yourself short, Judge, you’re a tremendous slouch.”
Actor and comedian Bill Murray loves golf. He’s done movies about golf (Caddyshack), made TV series about golf (The Sweet Spot), written books about golf (Cinderella Story), and opened golf-themed restaurants (Murray Bros. Caddyshack). Even when Murray gets a DUI, he gets it in a golf cart (in Sweden). As you might expect from a golf fanatic with nothing but time and money to burn, Murray plays in a lot of celebrity pro/am-type golf tournaments, including this weekend’s Outback Pro/Am in Tampa, Florida.
Unfortunately for Murray, however, he doesn’t seem to be very good at the game in which he’s invested so much of his life. Murray was playing the 9th hole of TPC Tampa Bay when his errant tee shot sailed across the street and hit innocent bystanderGail DiMaggio in the head as she stood in her front yard.
It was an incredibly tumultuous night in Cleveland, and the Cavaliers losing to the Wizards was the least shocking news of the night. (Although as the WASHINGTON POST’s Michael Lee points out, Washington joins the Lakers and Celtics as the only teams to beat Cleveland twice this season.) Yes, it’s not often that the best team in the league loses to the worst team in the league, but the Wizards are a unique case, with Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood finally back playing after missing almost all of the season with injuries.
No, most of the evening drama in Cleveland involved the Browns. First came some fallout from Jay Cutler’s trade to the Bears, specifically reports that Cleveland had tried to work out a three-way deal with the Broncos and Redskins that would have sent Brady Quinn to Denver and Jason Campbell to Cleveland. Browns coach Eric Mangini spent Thursday night denying these reports; expect Quinn to demand a trade because the Browns tried to trade him sometime within the next week.
And later in the evening, there was news in the DUI manslaughter case against Browns WR Donte Stallworth, and it was more than just his first appearance at a court hearing. It turns out that Stallworth was already in the NFL’s substance abuse program at the time of his arrest, which opens him up to a whole range of punishment from the league. Of course, he’s facing charges that could land him in jail for at least eight years, and having a history of substance abuse issues is not going to help his case, so I’d say that Roger Goodell is the least of Stallworth’s problems right now.
Meanwhile, there were no problems at the opening of the Hard Rock Cafe Yankee Stadium yesterday, just a lot of unintentional comedy as reported by MLB.COM. What do I mean? How about Yankees’ Executive Vice President Hal “The Pretty One” Steinbrenner joining rock stars/C-list celebs with nothing better to do Ace Frehley of KISS, Scott Ian and Frank Bello of Anthrax, Darryl “DMC” McDaniels, Bernie Williams and members of the Seminole Nation to smash guitars instead of cutting a ribbon. And yes, this means rock and roll is officially dead.
(Oh yeah, “Late Show With David Letterman” band drummer Anton Fig was there, which only means one thing: even Paul Shaffer had too much dignity to show up to this thing.)
Other news while you were rioting in the streets of State College to celebrate Penn State’s NIT victory:
As PUCK DADDY notes, it must be like getting their hearts ripped out all over again for Hartford Whalers fans to see a Hurricanes jersey with the Whalers’ logo (and a God awful color combination). Although I’d love it if the Ravens wore Browns jerseys for “Turn Back The Clock” day against Cleveland.
While the Jay Cutler trade solved one long-running NFL saga, the Anquan Boldin/Arizona Cardinals mess continues to fester. The latest comes from NFL.COM which reports that Boldin told a Florida radio station that he would “love to” play in his home city of Miami.
I had hoped that the America’s Cup had gone the way of 1980s fads like The Lambada, Swatches and The California Raisins. But apparently it’s still happening, and it’s now the focus of lawsuits involving people with more money than they know what to do with. The AP has the latest news, as software tycoon Larry Ellison and his boat “Oracle” have won the right to challenge the current Cup holders, Judge Elihu Smails and his boat “The Flying Wasp” (seen below at its coronation):
If you’re a former NFL player who gets arrested on drug charges, you would hope that the headlines wouldn’t call you “forgettable.” But that’s just how NBC DALLAS FORT WORTH described former Cowboy Leonardo Carson, arrested yesterday on intent to sell charges, and I’ll be damned if they aren’t right.
Now that Tim Floyd has turned down Arizona, TUCSON CITIZEN columnist Anthony Gimino wants to know if there’s anyone left who wants the Wildcats’ coaching job. May I make a suggestion: Former Baylor coach Dave Bliss is available and ready to talk. Sure, he’s got a checkered past, but the guy knows how to win. Barring that, perhaps Jerry Tarkanian is available.
I can’t imagine why parents in Shenendehowa, NY are upset to find out that a part-time track coach had his teaching license revoked 11 years ago after an alleged sexual abuse case. WTEN-TV says that while Don Paretta was not convicted, he admitted to giving a former student a note at graduation saying he would “miss the student’s face and body.” And this guy coached pole vaulting: let the jokes commence.
According to the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER, Boston College DT B.J. Raji - a projected Top 10 pick in the NFL Draft - committed a crime worse than scoring single digits on the Wonderlic test: he reportedly flunked a drug test at the NFL Combine.
Finally, HOME RUN DERBY sends a hearty congratulations to Manatee Community College, which defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates 6-4 yesterday. Yes, those Pittsburgh Pirates, as in the “allegedly major league Pirates.” Bill Mazeroski would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.
WTMJ-TV reports that the St. Mary’s Challenge was trying to navigate the Kinnickinnic River on Tuesday, when the freighter slammed into Uecker’s seafaring vessel, ripping a big gash into Bob’s boat and causing thousands of dollars in damage.
No word if the St. Mary’s was captained by this woman.
Perfect timing, too - Uecker was just about to set sail for a charity fishing tournament down the shore in Racine.
ST. ANDREWS GETTING GOUGED BY GOD-AWFUL GOLFERS: The golf course at St. Andrews is facing a brutal attack from the worst enemy of all - golfers:
SCOTLAND ON SUNDAY reports that bad and/or aggresive swingers are damaging the famous fairways and legendary links, creating up to 5,000 divots a week.Course managers blame improvement in club technology, and amateur linksmen’s desire to hit like Tiger Woods, but without similar results.
St. Andrews has had to bring in “specialist teams” to repair the mounting divots, while offering classes to help people with their driving that doesn’t terrorize the turf.
If all else fails, the hot Scots can always bring in this man: