There’s been a lot of debate across the globe about soccer stars defecting from the nation of birth to play for other teams, a plague that’s been particularly prominent among Brazilian players, many of whom now suit up for European powers (Marcos Sena with Spain or Deco and Nani with Portugal). But while the trend had spread far and wide across Europe, it had yet to really have an impact in North America. Well, consider those days officially over, after Chicago teenage stud and Borrusia Dortmund (Germany) defender Neven Subotic officially pledged his international allegiance to Serbia, not the U.S.

(At least the U.S. won’t miss the cornrows. Those are hideous.)

The fact that Subotic chose to play for another nation instead of the U.S. is his own prerogative, and it isn’t even unprecedented. Giuseppe Rossi was born in New Jersey but opted to play for the country of his parents’ birth — defending World Cup champion Italy — rather the the nation he was raised in.

Still, there’s a big difference between Rossi and Subotic. Rossi chose to spurn the U.S. to play with the defending world champions. It’s hard to turn down that opportunity, particularly when you’ve been playing in the Italian professional league and you’re going to be given a real shot at eventually playing on the senior national team. Subotic dumped the U.S. for Serbia.

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No, that’s not a clever headline you’re reading, this is an attack that really did happen. According to soccer blog THE SPOILER via German newspaper BILD, former German Bundesliga Champion Thorsten Legat finalized a guilty plea which closed a year-old case pending against him focused on an attack of a German citizen in the parking lot of a McDonald’s. The weapon Legat used in the attack? Why, that would be a samurai sword.

(The referee might not be so cavalier if he knew Legat had a sword!)

In fairness, Legat wasn’t the guy who started the trouble. The former Werder Bremen and Schlake star was in his car outside of his neighborhood McDonalds when he and his wife were threatened by your everyday, average German street gang. To scare them off, Legat promptly pulled his samurai sword from his boot (we didn’t know that was even possible) and started waving it around to scare off the alleged “group of youths”.

The problem is that, at one point, Legat’s sword actually made contact with someone’s head. While it may seem like someone would have lost their head, literally — given that the weapon a samurai sword, after all — the attacker was actually just injured, and promptly sued as a result.

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NOVEL IDEA DEPARTMENT - HOW TO SCORE WITH A PENIS: TYPICALLY SPANISH today translates the German newspaper BILD which reports that Mario Gomez recently scored a penis goal in a German league game with his penis. Video:

The LONDON GUARDIAN follows up with, “Gomez’s low blow has Hitzfeld on the ropes.” How none of the reporting outlets didn’t work “volleyball” into the copy or the headline, we have no idea.

The lower midsection-marker harkens many soccer fans back to the famous World Cup goal by Maradona, which is of course known in England as the “Hand(job) of God“.