If you have to move to New Jersey (and just a reminder: you don’t), it’s a fine time to shop for a home. Single-family home sales dropped 18% in 2008 and the median sales price took a 7.5% nose-dive. As always, you’ll get the best mortgage rates when you don’t take one out at all.

(We know it’s hard to imagine $15 million, so we’ve provided a visual aid.  Imagine this dollar bill… but 15 million of them.  You’re welcome.)

Therefore, it couldn’t be a better time for new Yankee CC Sabathia to lay out $15 million in cash on a nifty little place in tony Alpine, NJ. He will live near Puffy, Britney, Mary J., (Not-So-Little) Stevie, and Chris Rock. This must be part of the Yankees’ plan to keep the puffy pitcher’s arm eternally young: Immerse it in the past.

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Jay Cutler has moved from snit fit to full-on martyrdom and Denver Broncos owner Pat Bowlen has chosen to accommodate the young quarterback and search for a trade partner, thus saving Broncos fans from competency at the quarterback position.

(Sign language is still communication, right?)

Chris Simms will stand as the only vaguely quarterback-like substance on the roster, pending trade returns, after Cutler and his agent would not even return text messages for ten days (or so claimed by the Broncos organization).

While this seems superficially about placating the petulant, it would be disastrous to employ the Marcel Marceau of quarterbacks this fall if he continues his silent ways. There would be no playcalling, no leadership, and no franchise-polishing post-game quotes. For that, the Broncos could just look up Joey Harrington.

Also abandoning ship: just about every recruit formerly headed to the University of Memphis. John Calipari’s move to the University of Kentucky has most recruits for next year’s class eying the escape clause in their letters of intent that lets them wiggle free if Calipari squirms out as well.

(The Sweet’n'Low is also coming with him to Lexington)

With Tyreke Evans already on his way to the NBA and everyone else on the team either graduating or looking for a new school, the University of Memphis basketball team may have to outfit the equipment manager, three physical education majors, and Marc Cohn himself.

(Sure, Cohn only has one move, but he closes out every night with it.)

And now join us for a hail of bullets on the day each year the entire Internet is racked with inaccuracies, tall tales, and outright lies (and actually admits it) as we remember how the pros handle this tomfoolery…

• Gary Sheffield’s looking for a job this morning as the Detroit Tigers released him and swallowed hard on $14M. Perhaps he can settle back and go golfing with Rick Wagoner, the only man with a better “get lost” package in Detroit these days.

• Bemidji, MN, is one of many homes of Paul Bunyan and the only true NCAA semifinalist underdog you’ll see this month. Needless to say, people in that little town couldn’t be more excited.
• There’s a new video system to judge umpires with many more cameras now in every MLB stadium. Guess who’s not thrilled about that?
• A group of Minnesota residents help their returning veterans feel welcome as only Minnesotans can: by handing them guns and giving them living targets.
• At the end of the Cheongdo Bullfighting Festival, a black Japanese bull and an off-color Korean bull tangle for national pride. This year, they should let Ichiro Suzuki stand in for the Japanese bull.
• The NEW YORK TIMES notes Seattle’s new soccer fans may be a bit off. Toronto and Columbus scoff.
• Please welcome Dave Winfield to the ESPN family of baseball analysts and congratulate the Worldwide Leader for finally having an analyst for every MLB player. Winfield has been assigned Josh Williamson.
• Hideki Irabu is back and has apparently finally given birth to that baby he carried around during his first stint with the New York Yankees.
• Chicago might still be in the lead for 2016 Summer Olympics hosting duties, but Vancouver’s successful bid came in no small part through a strong visit from the IOC. The threatened Chicago police union picket of City Hall when the IOC arrives looks better all the time, no?

• ‘Nuff said.

• The Angels really don’t want to get into Manny Ramirez acquisition hell.

(”Somebody PLEASE give me a multi-million-dollar contract!“)

• Punters? We don’t need no stinking punters!

• Mike Tomlin’s not so thrilled to see Santa interrupt his press conference.

• Britney Spears’ ex Kevin Federline returns serve by palling up with a beach volleyball babe.

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OK, whose sloppy seconds would you rather have to have (there are no winners here)? Sean Avery’s, or Britney Spears‘? I’m pretty sure Dion Phaneuf doesn’t mind too much, but one volleyball player should really head to the clinic to get herself checked out.

University of Hawaii student, former All-American and AVP Beach Volleyball player Victoria Prince is Kevin Federline’s latest conquest, and she’s a step down from from Britney circa 2000, but definitely a step up from Britney ‘08. (Judge for yourself with pics, after the jump.)

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Monday’s media conference call with USC coach Pete Carroll took a turn for the worse about 20 minutes in, when a prankster posing as a blogger got the floor to himself, and then didn’t even bother to be funny.

(Artist rendering of Carroll’s reaction to conference call prankster)

Making things more painful was the fact that whoever was supposed to be moderating the call seems to have fallen asleep at the switch, and didn’t catch on to what was happening until after Carroll had already bailed on the call (but not without taking a dig at THE Ohio State University first).

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• The FT. WORTH STAR-TELEGRAPH notes that Cowboys coach Wade Phillips is no Britney fan:

• Got an extra $350 million laying around? ZAC JOHNSON says these NBA teams could be yours.• GOING FIVE HOLE catches up with a rubbery piece of sports history - the FoxTrax glow puck.

• THE SPORTS HERNIA hopes you had fun at your NBA Developmental League draft parties:

• ARMCHAIR GM is ready to have fun with the new Mets stadium, brick by brick.• You can have your Pats & Colts - Matt Ufford at PRO FOOTBALL TALK loves the losers.

TONY’S ROMO-ANCE W/SOPHIA BUSH GETTING SERIOUS: Things are heating up, as the Romo-antic burns for Bush:

US MAGAZINE tells all that Tony Romo is getting a little serious with Sophia Bush, an actress on one of those CW/WB/UPN/ASAP dramas.After dining out last week, the Cowboys QB apparently took Sophia home the following night and…met his parents!

We hear wedding bells already! When’s the date? Will T.O. pout if he’s not named the best man?

And what about Britney? Ms. Spears was recently seen hanging around Romo & pals at a trendy L.A. nightspot. Noted journalist Ryan Seacrest even said he saw Brit give Tony a lap dance. (A little jealously, perhaps, Ryan?)But a source close to the action claimed, “Tony was disgusted with Britney. It was purely Britney wanting to do it. All he can talk about is Sophia these days.”

At least until Dallas hits a losing streak. Then Tony would be even lucky to get Britney’s attention.

JERRY JONES IS REALLY PISSED ROMO DIDN’T INVITE HIM: PEOPLE reports on how Tony Romo spent his bye weekend - by hanging with Britney Spears and actress Allie Sims in Hollywood.

Romo has been “friends” with Sims for a long time - a lot longer than people know - and he came to L.A. to see her over the weekend. Sims also happens to be pals with Spears, so we’re sure Romo was very, very happy to be seen with her.Spears and Sims initially met up with Romo (he’s huge in L.A., don’t you remember his days with the AFL Avengers?) at L.A. restaurant Ketchup, which is partially-owned by Jim Rome.

Excerpt: “Alli was meeting up with Tony and his friends at Ketchup and Britney wanted to come along. Tony and Alli have been good friends. They’ve known each other for a little over a year.”

We’re sure Carrie Underwood would be interested to find that out.

The trio eventually ended up at Matt Leinart and John David Booty’s favorite H’wood hot spot, Les Deux, “where they hung out for a friendly low-key night upstairs.” Spears was “sitting with her friends and Tony. Everyone was just hanging out. Brit was upbeat, really seemed fine.“

• CUBSDADDY’S BLOG thinks they’ve spawned the second coming of the real Mangenius, KU’s coach Mark:

• Mike Gundy has a pal in ON SPORTS, who rails against the media for daring to report a player’s 2nd DUI charge.• PART MULE takes a lickin’ but keeps on tickin’, as Maria Sharapova serves as a spokesmodel for wristwatches in the Middle East.

• LARRY BROWN SPORTS wonders if the true Sioux do sue North Dakota U, what’s the pseudo-Sioux to do?

• GHOSTS OF WAYNE FONTES knows where athletes get their sneaky cheatin’ ideas from - Hollywood!

• Speaking of Tinseltown, THE BIG LEAD hears Romours that Tony’s been hanging with Britney.

• 100% INJURY RATE furnishes news that the couches Red Sox fans bought back in April are now free of charge:

• Speaking of Boston baseball, RED SOX MONSTER presents another reason to hate the Nation - Kelly Clarkson is in.• Well, if Her Clarkness and Rudy Giuliani can be behind Beantown, the KENNEBEC JOURNAL reasons that Red Sox fans can respect Joe Torre.

• Holy Trinity! THE WIZARD OF ODDS has video of last Saturday’s “Mississippi Miracle“:

Only one thing keeps this from being the greatest college football play ever - “THE BAND IS (not) ON THE FIELD!”• You wouldn’t like him when he’s angry: The SPRINGFIELD (OH) NEWS-SUN shouts out how Pittsburgh’s Big Ben feeds off of the hostility of Bengals fans.

• MODERATELY CEREBRAL BIAS has a crush on a female ESPN reporter - and it’s not Erin Andrews.

DOLPHINS’ EFFORTS TO GET A-LIST CELEBS INCOMPLETE: When you’re one of the worst teams in football, even the allure of South Beach and warm weather can’t bring the celebrities to your stadium:

The PALM BEACH POST finds plenty of seats available for A-Listers, and even B- or C-Listers, as the Miami Dolphins work to get the toasts of Tinseltown to Dade County.Even before the 0-7 start, the NFL team had hired Doris Porter, PR Director for the local NFL Alumni Association, to help get the stars to shine at Dolphins Stadium this year. It’s Porter’s job to convince famous faces to show their mugs in Miami’s park.

Any celebs willing to watch Cleo Lemon & Co. are treated to luxury boxes, four-star accommodations, great grub, nifty Dolphins gear, and flights in & out - all on the team’s dime.

So far this season, there haven’t been many takers - except last Sunday, when Matt Damon, Matt Dillon and Gisele Bundchen all honored the crowd with their presence. Unfortunately, they were all rooting for the Patriots.Porter has been reaching at straws in trying to get any celebrity appearances at the stadium. She’s even put out feelers for such potential seat fillers as Britney Spears, Kevin Federline and Lindsay Lohan. But even owner Wayne Huizenga isn’t that desperate, as he put the kabosh on those visits.

While the ‘Fins enjoy some fish & chips in Merrie Olde England this week, maybe they can convince some British screen stars to come across the pond and enjoy a ripping good game, old chap.

But if Miami performs as well in Wembley Stadium as they’ve done all season, then bollocks to that idea.