TheRoot.com is a new website launched by the Washington Post company targeting a black audience. The site recently posted a featured titled, “the blackest white people we know.” 33 individuals were listed, with Glenn Beckchecking in at #2:
The emotional right-wing talk show was probably the last person on earth we’d put on this list until he discovered that blacks have been all but removed from the history of America’s founding, and actually gave a black history lesson on his cable TV show. Yet we suspect we’ll have to revoke it after his upcoming rally at the Lincoln Memorial on the “I Have a Dream” speech anniversary.
Shortly after the website posted the feature, Beck responded to it on his Fox News TV show. While looking at photos of the 33 in the piece, Beck pointed at Brian Urlacher, who thanks to his playing career as an NFL linebacker, made the list.
When it comes to athletics, there is one dreaded word that can start fights between the best of friends, one single accusation that calls into question everything that makes an athlete what he is. Remember “The Sandlot”’s pivotal “You play baseball like a girl!” insult? Take that to its logical, profane, adult conclusion and you see where the nastiest fistfights come from.
(What? This is just a little kitty cat. One that Chicago may or may not have severely overpaid for.)
Yes, [FIVE-LETTER EUPHEMISM FOR FEMALE GENITALIA REDACTED] is one word you don’t bandy about lightly (right, Tony Bernazard?); it’s almost as bad as the severest of racial slurs, the Neutron Bomb. So if what Vikings receiver Bobby Wade said is true, then former teammate Brian Urlacher’s probably got some ’splaining to do to his new quarterback, Jay Cutler.
When you read “Cincinnati Bengals” and “jail” in the first sentence of a story, you start trying to construct the story in your head, like some sort of awful Mad Lib: “NAME OF PLAYER of the Cincinnati Bengals was arrested DAY and charged with CRIMINAL ACTIVITY, BAD CRIMINAL ACTIVITY and HORRIFIC CRIMINAL ACTIVITY after a SINGLE-DIGIT NUMBER crime spree that left SINGLE-DIGIT NUMBER injured.”
So imagine my surprise at reading further into this AP story and finding out that no Bengals have been arrested (yet: we’ll update you during the day). Instead, it turns out that a jail in Covington, Kentucky has decided to make their prisoners start wearing pink jumpsuits, and it’s all the Bengals’ fault. Or more specifically, their fans and their color scheme.
If there was ever a time to start considering some minimum standards for teams to make the playoffs, it’s right now. With the potential for both the Chargers and the Cardinals to make the playoffs - and have a home game! - with 8-8 records should be enough to make any football fan cringe. Has the NFL suddenly turned into the NBA’s Eastern Conference? Shouldn’t there be some sort of rule that you have to be above .500 to make the playoffs.
And there there’s the Chicago Bears, who are somehow still in the thick of the playoff chase after pulling out a 20-17 overtime victory over the Green Bay Packers thanks ato a blocked field goal with time expiring to keep the game tied. Yes, those Chicago Bears. The one with the offensive playbook that is less sophisticated than that from the old Tecmo Bowl Nintendo game. The one with no pass defense to speak of. The one with Kyle Freakin’ Orton at quarterback.
But here they sit at 9-6, with a chance to either win the NFC North or get a wild card, despite having needed basically every result on Sunday to go exactly as they did for that to happen. If the Bears pull this off, it will be a Christmas miracle the likes of which haven’t been seen in Chicago since Macaulay Culkin single-handedly fought off Joe Pesci and Daniel Stern.
The NFL in 2008: you don’t have to be good to make the playoffs, just conveniently geographically positioned.
Of course, the highlight of the whole game might have been during the coin toss. It wasn’t a total debacle like the Jerome Bettis coin toss against the Lions a few years ago, but it was pretty humorous. If you didn’t see it during the game, keep your eye on Brian Urlacher during the toss:
I think the referee needs to practice the coin toss a bit more. And way to not even have your eyes on the coin, Brian. Head on a swivel!
Meanwhile, the San Francisco 49ers aren’t making the playoffs, but they are playing a lot better under “interim” head coach Mike Singletary (and really, is there any way he won’t be the head coach next season?). And they have a plan for Sunday’s season finale at home against the Redskins.
According to the SANTA ROSA PRESS DEMOCRAT, along with the throwback uniforms, many members of the team will also be sporting “throwback” mustaches. Posted on the wall for motivation are pictures of great mustaches from 49ers past, including John Ayers, Ray Wersching, Jimmy Johnson and Roger Craig. Let’s just hope they don’t decide to imitate Wersching’s financial strategies as well.
DEADSPIN wonders if Fox NFL analyst Brian Baldinger’s gross right pinky finger is getting - well, even more gross. Honestly, there’s no way to fix that thing? Maybe a pair of pliers?
Along with baseball, another event on tap for the first month of operations at the New Yankee Stadium is an “inspirational night of encouragement“ by TV minister Joel Osteen. Unfortunately for him, a worker cursed the event by burying an old sequined dress from Tammy Faye Baker beneath the stadium during construction.
Derek Jeter is hardly opening his arms to potentially welcome Manny Ramirez into the Yankees’ fold, telling the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER that the Yankees “don’t need” the mercurial free agent because their line-up has “scored plenty of runs.” Keep in mind, this is a team that let Melky Cabrera and his .249 batting average get more than 400 ABs last season. I think you could use the help in the line-up, Captain.
The BASEBALL THINK FACTORY warns that you not to call Reds broadcaster Marty Brennaman and talk about Adam Dunn’s high number of walks. I suggest that we all call his show and demand to talk about that just to see if Brennaman’s head will explode.
Drexel head coach Bruiser Flint missed the Dragons’ game against Memphis and his mentor John Calipari after being suspended one game for being ejected from his team’s loss to Bucknell last Thursday. The NEW YORK DAILY NEWS says it’s good he missed the game: the Tigers crushed Drexel, 87-49. Hey, at least Drexel still got their $90,000.
Finally…did you love the Super Bowl Shuffle but wish that involved less football and more rapping about maple syrup and Grey Poupon? Then in honor of the Bears’ win last night, the Super Broker Shuffle is for you:
Over the last few years, Chicago Bears fans have found out quite a bit about the personal life of their favorite middle linebacker, Brian Urlacher. Thanks to a very public custody battle — at the time, the CHICAGO SUN-TIMES actually considered it front page news — we found out that he spent some of his free time knocking up. Why he would want to sleep with a woman who had already been in the news for falsely accusing the Lord of the Dance, Michael Flatley, of sexual assault (everybody knows the only sexual assault Flatley has ever committed has been on our eyes), and a doctor from suburban Chicago of the same thing, only Brian knows.
In the end, Brian was able to prove Tyna Robertson’s son, Kennedy, was his and won visitation rights with the child. Well, those visits are apparently getting a little weird. Maybe Brian is just trying to placate Tyna’s love for Michael Flatley, or maybe he’s just running some kind of odd social experiment, but according to the kid’s mom, Brian’s been dressing him in pink diapers and painting his nails blue.