Melons? Aaron Rodgers Much Prefers Grapefruits

Good morning. There’s nothing more refreshing in the morning than a nice big glass of grapefruit juice. But since I don’t have any handy, how about a smoking hot grapefruit heiress? Too bad Aaron Rodgers has that market covered.

Julie Henderson

The Packers quarterback needs to make some offseason headlines if he hopes to garner as much ink as his “retired” predecessor. Well, he’s off to a great start, seen “cozying up” (that’s NEW YORK POST speak for “seen with”) with SI Swimsuit Model Julie Henderson. While Green Bay’s not about to ignore Brett, this should help them forget all about Deanna Favre.

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Cleveland Rocks: Suns Send Shaq To LeBronland

Shaq will be lacing ‘em up with LeBron on a more continual basis, as the Big Cactus becomes the newest member of the Cavaliers.

LeBron Shaq

Rodney Harrison is sick of the whole Brett Favre brouhaha, too.

• Boston sure loves their Rajon Rondo - well, everyone except Celtics GM Danny Ainge.

• An Oklahoma mom is sentenced to 5 years in prison for attacking a high school cheerleading coach with a stun gun.

• Your next tennis hottie to shed some clothing for a magazine shoot: Belarusian babe Victoria Azarenka.

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Rodney Harrison: NFLers Consider Favre “Selfish”

We’ll freely admit to having been skeptical of Rodney Harrison as a genuine media personality when word got out that he was retiring and joining the NFL on NBC staff. A dirty player who immediately gets into overaggressive bombast about the state of the sport that earned him eight figures? How do we say… no.

Rodney Harrison Fisting
(Do you remember back in the day when you would hold your arms out and spin around and yell out “Tornado!” like you were a tornado? I’m not saying that’s what Harrison’s doing here, because he’s not a 5-year-old, but it might be a good tactic in run support. I guess you don’t need to yell out “Tornado” if you’re going to do it in the game, though, because that ruins the surprise and the offense can adjust. Anyway.*)

Oh, but do what ESPN won’t do and launch a fusillade of disgust at The Brett Favre Experience? You, sir, have our attention. What’s that, Mr. Harrison? The players think he’s selfish too? So, in a way, I’m more like Chris Samuels than Chris Berman? I… I don’t know what to say. I think I love you.

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U.S. Open Finally Finished - Glover Gets The Win

• Your 2009 U.S. Open winner is someone not named Tiger Woods.

Lucas Glover

Mark Cuban would like ESPN to put together a blacklist of sports blogs.

• Did longtime NBA star-turned-Sacramento mayor Kevin Johnson get a U.S. inspector general fired?

• Coming soon to delightfully dance on a collegiate sideline near you - the William & Mary Asparagus?

• Fed up with the whole Favre farce, Vikings coach Brad Childress escapes to Alaska with Andy Reid.

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Vikes Coach As Far Away From Favre As Possible?

The hot buzz over the weekend, even though it seems utterly insane and it came from someone serving in Iraq, was that Brett Favre had already signed with the Minnesota Vikings and that the team was just waiting for the right time to announce it.

Brad Childress
(”Hi, guys. Please allow me to address this rumor by flying 2,000 miles away for a week. Toodles!”)

So naturally, if that’s true, Vikings head coach Brad Childress is monitoring the situation closely from his office in Minneapolis, right? He wouldn’t be, oh, I don’t know, finding the second-farthest state in the union from Minnesota and hiding there, right? No?

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Report: Favre Finally Signs Contract With Vikings

Stop the presses! Pull up that nifty ESPN Breaking News graphic! This is the biggest news in the history of everything! Brett Favre will at long last become a member of the Minnesota Vikings!

Brett Favre Vikings Madden

Well, probably. Maybe. We’re not totally sure yet. PRO FOOTBALL TALK has the latest scoop on the ongoing (and admittedly tiresome) Favre-Vikings saga. The newest poop claims that Favre has signed a contract with the Vikes, and that the team is waiting to announce the big news. Probably right after they’re done watching “Whacked Out Sports“, or at least during a commercial break.

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Speed Read: Donte’ Stallworth Reaches DUI Deal

Sometimes, all you can ask for is closure. Not revenge or punishment or the eye for the proverbial eye; just enough to begin the healing process.

Donte Stallworth

And so, according to the MIAMI HERALD, the family of Mario Reyes, the man Donte’ Stallworth stands accused of killing in a March DUI accident, have been described by prosecutors as “the primary force” in a plea deal that is expected to be accepted today. And rather than spending years and years in prison, Stallworth may only have a short jail stay:

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth is expected to plead guilty Tuesday to driving drunk when he struck and killed a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in March, The Miami Herald has learned.

Stallworth’s attorney, Christopher Lyons, confirmed that the case was expected to be resolved Tuesday in court. Lyons declined to detail terms of the plea, which are not yet public.

While this is good news for Stallworth and his family, it doesn’t mean his NFL career is back in play; even after the jail stay imposed by the judge, Stallworth will still have to be reinstated by the notoriously unsympathetic Roger Goodell.  This will be a remarkably tough decision for the commissioner; no matter what length of suspension he decides on, it’s still going to be met by (not entirely unreasonable) protests of “Oh, so that’s how many games a human life is worth?”

But all the same, the person who’s really going to be haunted by the specter of death here is Stallworth, not Goodell. That he, even accidentally, killed a fellow man is a fact that will saddle him long after he’s gone from the league.

*UPDATE*: Stallworth gets sentenced to 30 days in jail & two years of house arrest.

Okay, we need a fun story after all that. So, as we warned you earlier, Joe Buck’s talk show career just started last night. And, judging by what AWFUL ANNOUNCING found, it may have ended last night too.

Joe Buck

The milquetoast play-by-play announcer for FOX had put together a decent, meh-but-not-terrible first episode, with appearances by Brett Favre (more on him later), Michael Irvin, Chad Ochocinco, and other famous members of the sports world. And then to close it out, he had on longtime friend Paul Rudd, a practically non-existent Jason Sudeikis, and, inexplicably, Artie Lange.

The audio is ludicrously NSFW, but if you’ve got earphones and/or a door to your office, you’ll want to check out Lange single-handedly derailing the show:

And then yes, Favre. Favre Favre Favre. He was the first guest on the show, and allowed make unironic claims like he’s not looking for attention. While he’s on, y’know, a nationally televised talk show. And to his credit, the fact that this is his first public appearance while ESPN has hammered coverage of his dalliance with Vikings management into viewers’ brains (we think Ed Werder’s been tasked with rifling through the trash down at Favre’s ranch in Mississippi) should be noted. That said, this happens every damn year, and it’s so tiresome. Here we are in June, with training camps underway. Teams want to have their summer rosters in place. So is Favre going to play this year? “Maybe.”

Brett Favre Vikings
(Here we go again.)

Also, the fact that Favre’s first public comments aren’t to ESPN should be noted as well. So rather than think of Favre as a caricature of an attention whore or drama queen or whatever, perhaps it’s best to - yes, we know this is neither fun nor easy - recognize the shades of gray and think that while he knows how easy it is to attract attention after spending two decades in the spotlight,  part of him actually is a country-bred bumpkin from Mississippi who would play football forever if he could.

But then again, we don’t know where the annual retirement charade fits into either side. And how many years in a row is this? Eight? C’mon, man.

Here are more stories to consider as you mourn Shawn Johnson’s euthanization

  • Look, this is clearly not the appropriate forum to discuss the ongoing turmoil in Iran. We’re not nearly qualified enough to comment on it, and that’s not what you’re here to read anyway. That said, if you’re wanting to find out more about watching the seeds of revolution occur in real-time, Andrew Sullivan’s blog is a good place to start. So why even bring it up? Only for the most epic picture in tOSU history, via 11W (click here for higher res, pops):

Tehran Buckeye
(Your move, Michigan.)

What else is Joe Morgan lying about?

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‘Joe Buck Live’ Ready To Bolster A Weary Nation

Like Conan O’Brien’s debut as the new host of “The Tonight Show” or John Madden’s first turn in the “Monday Night Football” booth, all eyes will be focused tonight on FOX SPORTS announcer Joe Buck, as “Joe Buck Live” premieres on HBO. I only pray to God that you’ve got your digital converter box installed.

Joe Buck

Actually, tonight’s debut is probably going to remind us more of this. But I could be wrong. It’s only natural that Buck, known for his vivacious personality and comedy talents staring blankly while speaking into a microphone, should be given his own HBO show. I can picture Robert Klein watching the debut and muttering jealously, “Damn, he’s good.” And who is going to be Buck’s first guest? You guessed it: Read more…

Speed Read: Sox Spank Yanks Again At Fenway

Yeah, yeah, I know it’s only June, but the folks in New York can’t be pleased that the Yankees dropped to 0-7 against the Red Sox this year with a 6-5 loss at Fenway last night. To put it in perspective, the last time this happened the Yankees weren’t even the Yankees. It was 1912, and the New York Highlanders (and here I thought there could only be one Highlander) were the ones who couldn’t buy a win against the Sox.

Red Sox spank Yankees

(This is about the only Red Sox spanking Yankee fans wouldn’t mind)

Even more worrisome for New York is the continued debacle that is Chien-Ming Wang. After giving up four runs in 2 2/3 innings, Wang now has a 21.61 ERA in five starts this year — the highest ERA through five starts for a pitcher in the freaking history of baseball. Joe Girardi seems exasperated as to what to do with Wang. They’ve already done the DL thing, and NEW YORK TIMES notes that he was hitting 95 on the gun last night, so it would be hard to argue that he’s hurt again.

Chien-Ming Wang

Mark Teixeira clearly isn’t the problem for the Yankees, as he went 4-for-5 with his league-leading 19th home run. But that doesn’t matter, since A-Rod is signaling to Tex where the catcher is setting up when he’s in the on-deck circle. What, you think that’s crazy talk that only some loose-cannon “analyst” who also thinks that George Clooney is “over there solving that thing” could come up with? Well, OK, you’d be right. AWFUL ANNOUNCING says Rick Sutcliffe has gotten into some hot water with the Yankee duo after accusing them of the pitch tipping on an ESPN broadcast with absolutely no evidence to back it up.

In any case, Boston has reclaimed a one-game lead in the AL East, which is remarkable considering they’ve gotten nothing out of David Ortiz, Daisuke Matsuzaka has been mostly a mess in his few starts, Josh Beckett just recently got his act together, they still don’t really have a shortstop, and this guy is milling around Fenway:

Red Sox Fans

Tim Floyd was pushed off a cliff by USC resigned from his position as head coach of USC yesterday in the wake of the O.J. Mayo scandal, and ESPN’s Andy Katz put together a column that lists all of the questions that are now left to be answered in the wake of this move. Katz theorizes, among other things, that Floyd might be USC’s sacrificial lamb in the NCAA’s investigation against the school’s football and basketball programs.

Tim Floyd and OJ Mayo

Floyd’s resignation comes in the wake of most of his team declaring that they wouldn’t be coming back anyway, for various reasons. Marcus Johnson jumped through all of the hoops to earn a waiver for a sixth year of eligibility, then suddenly decided to stay in the NBA draft, where he’s not expected to be picked. Daniel Hackett is even blowing off his senior season to also not get picked by an NBA team. Think they know something we don’t (yet) about where this program is heading, even with Floyd’s departure?

So now what for the Trojans? Would Jamie Dixon, who grew up in So Cal, be up for rebuilding the program? What about Randy Bennett of Saint Mary’s? Rick Pitino? OK, now we’re just getting silly. Which means that Bobby Knight makes all sorts of sense.

Now, here are some things to read while Tom Brady waits to get rescued after flipping his kayak over:

HALOS HEAVEN has a huge break in the Nick Adenhart case, as toxicology reports show that Courtney Stewart, the 20-year-old driver of the car Adenhart was riding in, had a BAC of .016 at the time of her death. That’s twice the legal limit for an adult, and infinity times the limit for a 20-year-old (actually, California generously allows an underager to blow up to a .01 without consequence). ORANGE COUNTY WEEKLY’s Nick Schou is the one who obtained the toxicology reports, against the wishes of the DA’s office.

Courtney Stewart tox report

While it still doesn’t come close to excusing Andrew Gallo’s choice to drive drunk, and it doesn’t change the fact that Gallo is the one who ran a red light to cause the crash, it certainly is now reasonable for Gallo’s lawyer to argue that Stewart’s impairment could’ve played just as large a role in the accident as his client did. TMZ also reports that Stewart tested positive for an “illegal substance.” Still a horrible tragedy all around, but this definitely calls Adenhart’s judgment into question, as it looks like he chose to get into a car with an underage drunk (and possibly high) driver. What if Stewart had been sober? Would she have been able to see Gallo running the light and stop in time? We’ll never know.

• D.C. SPORTS BOG exposes what is either an unholy union between the Redskins and that LOL cats site, or somebody hacked the ‘Skins website and put a kitty’s picture in place of Jason Campbell (and really, you have the ability to hack into an NFL team’s site and that’s what you do?):

Redskins website cat

• Elsewhere in D.C., we found out last night exactly how many Nats fans would wait through a rain delay to see if their team could come back from a 2-0 deficit in the bottom of the 9th inning — less than 100. That’s how many folks were on hand after a two hour delay to see their team rally to tie the game, only to lose it in the 12th. This despite converting the popular 4-3-6-4-6 double play in that inning.

• Everyone’s been talking about Zack Greinke all year, but Justin Verlander might be the best pitcher in the AL Central. He cruised to a complete-game victory over the White Sox last night to move to 7-0 in his last nine starts.

• Boy, who could’ve ever predicted that Jameer Nelson might not play that well in the Finals after not having played a game since before the All-Star break?

• If things keep going the way they are, according the WASHINGTON POST, the entire LPGA Tour will soon be available for you to hire for your bachelor party.

Play Golf Designs

We know that Joe Montana’s kid has committed to play football at Washington, but current Huskies QB Jake Locker had some big news of his own today — he was drafted by the Angels in the 10th round of the MLB draft. If Locker signs a baseball contract, he’ll still be eligible to play football for UW but will lose his scholarship.

Marcin Gortat has a sweet ride to go with that Jordan tattoo.

Marcin Gortat car

Brett Favre is apparently in trouble for not showing up to organized team activities for a team he doesn’t even play for. Favre’s non-coach, Brad Childress, says he set no deadline for Favre to accept the team’s non-offer to play for them. For now, the Vikings are now going to feign disinterest in having Favre around but will eventually pass him a note asking him if he’d want to go to training camp with them.

• Funny how everyone is so bent out of shape about Stephen Strasburg asking for $25 million or more to pitch for the Nationals, but nobody bats an eye when fifth-overall pick Mark Sanchez gets $28 million in guaranteed money from the Jets. But think of all the nice stuff Mark can buy for girlfriend Hilary Rhoda:

Hilary Rhoda

Knowing now that the underage driver of Nick Adenhart’s car had been drinking, does that change your view of the accident?

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NBC Ices Stanley Cup Viewings @ Det, Pitt Arenas

• NBC puts a stop to Stanley Cup Finals viewings at the Joe Louis & Mellon Arenas - because it’s shaving nearly a point off of their local Nielsen ratings.

Red Wings Penguins

• Deadline? The Vikings never said anything about a Brett Favre deadline.

• Nice to see Ozzie Guillen back in ranting ‘n’ raving form.

• Don’t worry, Barry Bonds, at least your wife still supports you through these troubles times. Um, OK, maybe not.

• Oh boy! The MLB Draft is on TV tonight! It’s not like there’s anything else on worth watching.

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