It was an incredibly tumultuous night in Cleveland, and the Cavaliers losing to the Wizards was the least shocking news of the night. (Although as the WASHINGTON POST’s Michael Lee points out, Washington joins the Lakers and Celtics as the only teams to beat Cleveland twice this season.) Yes, it’s not often that the best team in the league loses to the worst team in the league, but the Wizards are a unique case, with Gilbert Arenas and Brendan Haywood finally back playing after missing almost all of the season with injuries.

No, most of the evening drama in Cleveland involved the Browns. First came some fallout from Jay Cutler’s trade to the Bears, specifically reports that Cleveland had tried to work out a three-way deal with the Broncos and Redskins that would have sent Brady Quinn to Denver and Jason Campbell to Cleveland. Browns coach Eric Mangini spent Thursday night denying these reports; expect Quinn to demand a trade because the Browns tried to trade him sometime within the next week.

And later in the evening, there was news in the DUI manslaughter case against Browns WR Donte Stallworth, and it was more than just his first appearance at a court hearing. It turns out that Stallworth was already in the NFL’s substance abuse program at the time of his arrest, which opens him up to a whole range of punishment from the league. Of course, he’s facing charges that could land him in jail for at least eight years, and having a history of substance abuse issues is not going to help his case, so I’d say that Roger Goodell is the least of Stallworth’s problems right now.

Meanwhile, there were no problems at the opening of the Hard Rock Cafe Yankee Stadium yesterday, just a lot of unintentional comedy as reported by MLB.COM. What do I mean? How about Yankees’ Executive Vice President Hal “The Pretty One” Steinbrenner joining rock stars/C-list celebs with nothing better to do Ace Frehley of KISS, Scott Ian and Frank Bello of Anthrax, Darryl “DMC” McDaniels, Bernie Williams and members of the Seminole Nation to smash guitars instead of cutting a ribbon. And yes, this means rock and roll is officially dead.

(Oh yeah, “Late Show With David Letterman” band drummer Anton Fig was there, which only means one thing: even Paul Shaffer had too much dignity to show up to this thing.)

Other news while you were rioting in the streets of State College to celebrate Penn State’s NIT victory:

• As PUCK DADDY notes, it must be like getting their hearts ripped out all over again for Hartford Whalers fans to see a Hurricanes jersey with the Whalers’ logo (and a God awful color combination). Although I’d love it if the Ravens wore Browns jerseys for “Turn Back The Clock” day against Cleveland.



• While the Jay Cutler trade solved one long-running NFL saga, the Anquan Boldin/Arizona Cardinals mess continues to fester. The latest comes from NFL.COM which reports that Boldin told a Florida radio station that he would “love to” play in his home city of Miami.
• I had hoped that the America’s Cup had gone the way of 1980s fads like The Lambada, Swatches and The California Raisins. But apparently it’s still happening, and it’s now the focus of lawsuits involving people with more money than they know what to do with. The AP has the latest news, as software tycoon Larry Ellison and his boat “Oracle” have won the right to challenge the current Cup holders, Judge Elihu Smails and his boat “The Flying Wasp” (seen below at its coronation):
  

• It looks like things are going anything but “perfect” for former Cincinnati ace Tom Browning: THE NEWS & OBSERVER reports the Reds have dropped him as the pitching coach for the Carolina Mudhens after he was arrested on Friday for failure to pay child support.
• If you’re a former NFL player who gets arrested on drug charges, you would hope that the headlines wouldn’t call you “forgettable.” But that’s just how NBC DALLAS FORT WORTH described former Cowboy Leonardo Carson, arrested yesterday on intent to sell charges, and I’ll be damned if they aren’t right.
• Now that Tim Floyd has turned down Arizona, TUCSON CITIZEN columnist Anthony Gimino wants to know if there’s anyone left who wants the Wildcats’ coaching job. May I make a suggestion: Former Baylor coach Dave Bliss is available and ready to talk. Sure, he’s got a checkered past, but the guy knows how to win. Barring that, perhaps Jerry Tarkanian is available.
• Sports is creeping its way into politics in Los Angeles, as the LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS reports that City Attorney candidate Carmen Trutanich is being ripped by his opponent and NOW for successfully representing former USC defensive back Eric Wright on rape charges in 2005.
• I can’t imagine why parents in Shenendehowa, NY are upset to find out that a part-time track coach had his teaching license revoked 11 years ago after an alleged sexual abuse case. WTEN-TV says that while Don Paretta was not convicted, he admitted to giving a former student a note at graduation saying he would “miss the student’s face and body.” And this guy coached pole vaulting: let the jokes commence.
• According to the NEWARK STAR-LEDGER, Boston College DT B.J. Raji - a projected Top 10 pick in the NFL Draft - committed a crime worse than scoring single digits on the Wonderlic test: he reportedly flunked a drug test at the NFL Combine.
• Finally, HOME RUN DERBY sends a hearty congratulations to Manatee Community College, which defeated the Pittsburgh Pirates 6-4 yesterday. Yes, those Pittsburgh Pirates, as in the “allegedly major league Pirates.” Bill Mazeroski would be rolling in his grave, if he were dead.

This year’s NCAA basketball tournament is apparently going to be the first one played without any #1 seeds, because nobody seems to want to claim any of them. This week, Pitt decided to be the latest top-ranked team to tank it, trailing by as many as 20 points in the second half in an 81-73 loss to Providence. The Friars are suddenly looking pretty good for an NCAA bid, with 9 Big East wins and 17 overall. This was their first win over a #1 team in nearly 33 years. Luckily for all involved, Jonathan Xavier was not at the game.

Professional golf, which ceased to exist last June when Tiger Woods got hurt, will finally resume today. Nobody’s happier for this development than the other golfers who Tiger will be competing against, whoever they are. Tiger’s first round match at the Accenture World Match Play Championships tees off at 2:02 Eastern time this afternoon. His opponent is someone named Brendan Jones, who just learned how to play golf last week. How confident is NBC that Tiger will make it to Saturday’s semifinals? They’re airing ads promoting Tiger’s appearance on the NBC broadcast this weekend.

(He didn’t win anything. This is just the trophy he gets to carry around every day for being Tiger Woods)

Do you have World Baseball Classic fever yet? Does anyone? This WBC seemed like a good idea a couple of years ago, but this year’s rosters are devoid of many of the sport’s biggest stars. Your U.S. roster features such giants of the game like Chris Ianetta, Jeremy Guthrie, and Matt Thornton. The Dominican team is without Albert Pujols and Manny Ramirez (who’s from New York City, mind you), but now gets to deal with the distraction that is A-Roid. It’s all moot, of course, since the powerhouse Italians are winning the whole thing. Who can stop Val Pascucci and Nick Punto?

As a reward for winning the title last year, the Celtics get to have 29 players on their roster. Case in point: the C’s have signed the recently waived Mikki Moore, who was playing for the Kings. And now the long-rumored acquisition of Stephon Marbury is about to happen, since Steph was finally bought out by the Knicks. Shockingly, New York was not successful in swinging a trade for a guy whose salary is $21 million and has spent his season hanging out at bus stops and buying tickets to see his own team play.

 • TMZ says that Charles Barkley might have to don a pink prison uniform during his five-day stay in the same jail that houses rapper DMX. Although, it appears as if Chuck has been given “work release” and only has to be in jail from 8 p.m. to 6 a.m. So, basically he’s staying in a crappy hotel for five nights and wearing a pink snuggie.

• Charles Goldberg of the Auburn blog THE GOLD MINE writes that highly-regarded high school running back David Oku has moved from Oklahoma to Lincoln, Nebraska to be closer to some girl he met while on an official visit to Nebraska. And his parents are OK with their kid taking off to go live on his own and date a college girl. This seems like a great idea.

• Speaking of Stephon Marbury, the poor guy had to accept a buyout of around $2-3 million less than his salary for “playing” this season for the Knicks. But Darren Rovell of CNBC says that Marbury earned enough that he could’ve bought a pair of his Starbury sneakers every nine seconds.

• The CFL isn’t recognizing there’s a recession, according to the VANCOUVER SUN. Four CFL cities (all of which are home to teams called the Roughriders) are in the process of securing funds for new stadiums or improvements to their current facilities.

• Former major league pitcher Rick Helling on steroids: “There is this problem with steroids. It’s happening. It’s real. And it’s so prevalent that guys who aren’t doing it are feeling pressure to do it because they’re falling behind. It’s not a level playing field. We’ve got to figure out a way to address it.” When did he say this? 1998. TIME has the story of a guy who went ignored way too long.

• The SPORTS HERNIA points out that the Mets’ Fernando Tatis missed Monday’s intrasquad game with a rather unusual injury:

• PRO FOOTBALL TALK says that Eric Mangini and the rest of the new Browns staff is “lukewarm” on Brady Quinn. Which is rather insulting, considering Quinn won all those national championships in college.

• As if there aren’t enough Shulas running around, Dan Shula — son of David and grandson of Don — has been hired as an assistant coach at Illinois State.

• The Supreme Court may be hearing a case that results in a ban on public school coaches participating with members of their teams in prayer or other religious expression, according to the TENNESSEAN. Current precedent doesn’t allow coaches to initiate prayer, but doesn’t necessarily ban them from participating.

• The Oakland A’s have scrapped plans to build a new ballpark in the East Bay suburb of Fremont. San Jose has now apparently emerged as a new contender to rip the team away from the Mausoleum.

• WITH LEATHER says that Jason Giambi has aspirations to be a bouncer at a strip club after he retires from baseball. And Rick’s Cabaret in New York City is first in line with a job offer (link somewhat NSFW).

Another piece in the NFL coaching puzzle has apparently fallen into place: ESPN is reporting that Eric Mangini has been hired as the new head coach of the Cleveland Browns. Hardly shocking news: Mangini was long-rumored to be the front-runner for the job, and he has experience in Cleveland (having worked there under Bill Belichick).

Mangini will be replacing Romeo Crennel, which must be a bit of deja vu: Eric also replaced Crennel as the Patriots’ defensive coordinator when Crennel left to take the Browns’ head coaching job back in 2005. And to make Mangini feel even more at home, he’s also the brother-in-law of Cleveland Indians GM Mark Shapiro. Several sources are reporting that Crennel might be part of Mangini’s staff, either as defensive coordinator or special assistant. I’m sure that won’t be awkward at all.

Read more…

Last week the Browns had two viable starting quarterbacks. Now they have none. Enter NFL re-tread and perpetual third-stringer Ken Dorsey. If Romeo Crennel didn’t have enough to worry about already, the loss of both Brady Quinn and Derek Anderson in two weeks means that his future as Cleveland’s head coach depends on a quarterback who has thrown a grand total of three passes all season. Oh, and none of them have been completed.

(This is not what Cleveland fans were looking for.)

The quarterback conundrum (hey, it’s not a controversy) comes as a result of an ESPN report that Anderson will be lost for the season after straining his left MCL in the fourth quarter of the Browns’ 10-6 loss to the Colts on Sunday. That’s right, they couldn’t score more than six points with Anderson, a Pro Bowler last year, which can’t make Dorsey optimistic about his own chances guiding the Browns offense.

Read more…

Is it going to be like this for the next year and a half? Every NBA team with cap space rolling out the red carpet for LeBron James like it’s a recruiting trip and he’s Johnny Walker. Last night was the Knicks’ turn to playing willing host, both figuratively and literally - the fans gave him a hero’s welcome, and the team played their role as second bananas as they were little obstacle in the Cavaliers’ 119-101 win.

Meanwhile, let me remind again you that King James doesn’t become a free agent until July 2010 - that’s almost two full seasons from now. So expect the parade to be coming to your town very soon - perhaps he won’t be wearing special shoes dedicated to your city, but believe me, you’re going to get really sick of it very soon.

Also coming to your city is Ball State - provided that your city is Detroit, and not a place like Glendale, New Orleans, Miami or Pasadena where they have a BCS bowl game. The Cardinals took care of Western Michigan 45-22 to wrap up a perfect regular season and book a date in the MAC title game in the Motor City. So good for them, I guess.

Meanwhile, there were some damned compelling college basketball games last night. Chief among them was Notre Dame hanging on to beat Texas 81-80 at the Maui Invitational, as A.J. Abrams’ desperation 60-footer at the buzzer hit the rim but missed. It sets up a meeting against No. 1 North Carolina for the eighth-ranked Fighting Irish and a chance for their fans to have something to celebrate in advance of their annual thrashing at the hands of USC this weekend.

• How many ways to hate Jon Gruden? Let FOOD COURT LUNCH show you all of his punchable faces.



• Say hello to Diagne Thierno Seydou Nouro, the Danny Almonte of Japanese high school basketball: The MAINICHI DAILY NEWS says the Senegalese exchange student shaved almost five years off his age to play on a championship-winning high school team.
• Your daily dose of economic bad news: ESPN reports that plenty of advertising spots for the Super Bowl this year are still available, despite NBC’s earlier rosy predictions.
• In other financial news, the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE says that Cal coach Jeff Tedford has deferred a bonus payment due to him until…some time in the future.
• Pete Carroll’s excuse for the otherwise inexplicable loss to Oregon State earlier this year? He tells the LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS that it was the aftermath of the hype of the Ohio State game.
• Speaking of Oregon State, it looks like their path to their first Rose Bowl appearance since the 1964 season just got murkier, as THE OREGONIAN reports that star running back Jacquizz Rodgers is unlikely to play in their must-win Civil War game against Oregon this Saturday with an injured shoulder.
• Just when Cleveland Browns fans thought they had seen the last of Derek Anderson doing anything other than holding a clipboard…the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER notes that he’ll be the starting QB for the final five games now that Brady Quinn is shelved for the year with his broken finger.
• Julius Jones tells the SEATTLE TIMES just how fired up he is to face his former team the Cowboys this Thanksgiving. I’m sure that Dallas is just as excited to see his hapless new team the Seahawks come to town.
• INTENTIONAL FOUL brushes up on some of the greatest mustaches in NBA history. Expect NBA TV to have a four-part special over Christmas.
• Manny Ramirez and Mark Teixeira buyers beware! THE EXAMINER has compiled an all-Scott Boras Bust team.

Uh-oh. Buffalo doesn’t have much going for it, so reminding every Bills fan of the one time they were a foot and a half from winning the Super Bowl isn’t really a great idea. Ryan Lindell joined Scott Norwood in the “wide right” hall of fame as the Bills lost to the Browns 29-27 on Monday night. It’s not an earth-shattering loss. I don’t think Vincent Gallo’s going to make a movie about shooting Lindell or anything. But it does drop the Bills to 5-5, which is now last place in the AFC East. Remember when they were going to run away with this division? Making all this more painful is the fact that Browns kicker Phil Dawson nailed a 56-yarder a minute earlier to take the lead.

(It was all downhill from here)

Still, it’s tough to pin this all on Lindell. People miss 47-yard field goals all the time, and Lindell isn’t the one who threw three picks in the first quarter (that would be the suddenly terrible Trent Edwards). And while the Browns did win tonight with Brady Quinn at the helm, I’m not ready to call him a difference maker. His completion percentage tonight was lower than Manny Ramirez‘ batting average with the Dodgers.

Get ready, Buffalo, because the Sabres are probably losing their next game on a goal with like four people standing in the crease.

College basketball always just comes out of nowhere, doesn’t it? ESPN is in the midst of a season-opening marathon of games. As you read this, Penn is preparing to play Drexel (tipoff at 10 a.m. Eastern). Earlier this morning, Saint Mary’s beat Fresno State 99-85 in a game that started at 11 p.m. on the west coast (2:00 in the east), followed by Hawaii’s 67-64 overtime win over Idaho State that tipped off at just after 4:00 a.m. in the east (11:00 Hawaii time). I don’t know if I’m supposed be proud of the fact that I watched both games in their entirety. ESPN is continuing to show games live all day today, culminating in Kentucky-North Carolina. I figure that since UK can’t beat VMI, they’ll be lucky to stay within 40 of the Heels.

The best game of the day should be Davidson’s matchup with Oklahoma. Each team has a pre-season first-team All-American (Stephen Curry and Blake Griffin, respectively).

Don’t tell Donovan McNabb (he’s already too confused), but they don’t have ties in college football anymore. That means that somebody has to win this weekend’s Apple Cup debacle between Washington and Washington State, who are a combined 0-20 against FBS teams this year. And the line is set: Washington by 8 1/2, according to the SEATTLE TIMES. Yes, a winless team with a lame duck coach is an 8 1/2-point road favorite in a conference game. The Cougars have been outscored 440-61 in eight Pac-10 losses (that’s an average loss of 55-7).

It’s the harvest season, so think of today’s links as being delivered to you in a cornucopia:

• Utah has a lot on the line in Saturday’s game against BYU. Win, and they’re in the BCS. Lose, and they’re probably going to the Poinsettia Bowl. The SALT LAKE TRIBUNE examines the situation, and the financial windfall that would come from the BCS bid, not just for Utah but for the entire Mountain West. In all honesty, it would be better for BYU as a university to lose the game.

• Things aren’t so rosy up the road at Utah State. They’ve fired their coach, Brent Guy, effective at the end of the season (what ever happened to just cutting a guy loose and going interim?) THE SPORTS NETWORK has the details.

• Oh yeah, baby. Cricket cheerleaders! But it’s India, so they can’t wear skimpy outfits. And it looks like there’s some dudes too. LION IN OIL shares our disappointment.

• BUFFZONE says five Colorado players had stuff stolen from their lockers during Saturday’s loss to Oklahoma State.  The game was in Boulder. Way to rob the wrong team, there, thief guys.

•  NJIT (that’s the New Jersey Institute of Technology) lost its 35th consecutive game last night, a Division I record. The Highlanders (because nothing says rugged terrain like Newark) might not technically go in the record books, though, since they are a “transition” member of Division I. The AP has the game story.

• Citigroup is laying off 53,000 workers, but BIZ OF BASEBALL says the Mets informed him that they will still be getting $20 million a year from the company for naming rights to the new Mets’ stadium.

• We have a double-feature from  TAMPA BAY’S 10. First we have the story of a lady who’s being told that she can’t say “Ref you suck” at Buccaneers games anymore because it violates some code of conduct bullcrap. Because there’s nobody in NFL stadiums saying worse things than that. Here’s a picture of the woman:

Yeah, she’s a real threat to society.

In other Tampa Bay news, a 21-year-old woman decided it would be a good idea to stab five people at a high school football game.

•  HOME RUN DERBY points out that, by his own criteria, Albert Pujols should not be accepting the NL MVP award. Seems Al said in 2006 that players who don’t take their team to the playoffs shouldn’t win the award.

•  The Yankees sold Darrell Rasner to a team in Japan for $1 million, writes the NY DAILY NEWS. At that price, Hank just needs to sell 27 more guys to make up for Kei Igawa.

• The SAN JOSE MERCURY-NEWS’ Andrew Baggarly wildly claims that the Giants are almost assuredly going to win the World Series next year because they’ve signed Jeremy Affeldt to a two-year deal at $4 million per. If you’re scoring at home, that’s approximately 10 times more than Tim Lincecum made this year. And Baggarly actually doesn’t think the Giants are going to be any good.

• The “Heidi” game was 40 years ago yesterday. If you don’t know how it all went down, here’s some video. Particularly brutal is the scene where a girl is shown falling out of a wheelchair and attempting to walk while the final score of the game scrolls at the bottom:

Thank God we finally have Brady Quinn’s first start out of the way so we don’t have to listen to the speculation every week about when he’s going to get a shot and see that stupid NFL draft footage anymore. Why do so many people care? I mean, great, he played pretty well for Notre Dame against Navy and Stanford but got killed in every big game. Way to go, bud, I guess doing all that and playing absolutely no NFL football is good enough to get yourself a Fathead.

(Uh, dude, you know he voted for McCain, right?)

Brady did, however, have the Browns in good position to win last night, leading the Broncos 23-13 after three quarters. But Jay Cutler finally lived up to his own hype and got it done in the fourth quarter, like a certain other Bronco quarterback did a couple of times in Cleveland. (See, aren’t these Cutler-Elway comparisons just ridiculous?) Denver scored three touchdowns in the fourth quarter and won the game 34-30. Cutler threw for 447 yards in the game, and Quinn put up a respectable 239 yards with two touchdowns. The game was viewed by approximately 39 fans on the NFL Network, and 17 people on a choppy SopCast feed from Denmark.

Speaking of football games nobody could watch, #10 Utah rallied from an early 10-0 deficit and beat #11 TCU 13-10 last night in a game that was on some channel called CBS College Sports. Never did I think I’d actually be complaining that a game wasn’t on Versus. Since this channel isn’t part of my DirecTV package, I assume that it ended in exciting fashion. Actually, there’s proof that it ended in exciting fashion (and a Dan Fouts sighting!).

(”I used to be on Monday Night Football and now I’m calling Mountain West games on some station that 4% of the country gets.”)

Over on ESPN, Virginia Tech took care of Maryland 23-13, plunging the ACC into even more mediocrity. Freshman Darren Evans set a school record with 253 rushing yards. One of the odd BCS rules out there is that a non-BCS team can actually automatically qualify for a BCS game if they finish in the top 16 AND finish ahead of the winner of one of the BCS conferences. And never has this been more possible with the top ACC being currently ranked 19th (North Carolina) and all 12 teams in the league sitting with at least two conference losses. So just because Utah or Boise State loses a game or you think Ball State is too far down to make it, it’s still very likely that we’ll be seeing one of these teams on Fox in January.

There was a spectacular ending in the NBA last night in Portland that most of you on the East Coast probably missed. With the Rockets trailing the Blazers 98-96 with 1.9 seconds left in overtime, Yao Ming hit an 18-foot baseline jumper while he was being hacked to tie the game. He then made the free throw to give the Rockets a 99-98 lead. But Brandon Roy swished a rainbow 30-footer as time expired to give the Blazers a crazy 101-99 win. Check out the video:

• DEREK HAIL says that the Eagles’  Hank Baskett proposed to Girl Next Door Kendra Wilkinson at the top of the Space Needle in Seattle this past weekend.  I suppose I’m required by law to post a picture of her now:

• Some dude is claiming to have made five holes-in-one in a week. No, it’s not Kim Jong-Il, it’s some guy in Illinois. The DAILY HERALD is buying it, but I’m a bit skeptical.

• Our favorite Indian pitchers, Rinku Singh and Dinesh Patel, finally had their tryout yesterday. The ARIZONA REPUBLIC’s Jim Walsh has the details. In short, a lot of scouts think they deserve a shot, but nobody thinks it should be their team that gives it to them.

• The SAN DIEGO UNION TRIBUNE quotes Padres GM Kevin Towers as saying that Jake Peavy’s “train has left the station,” which means the ‘07 Cy Young winner is going to be traded soon. He also has a full no-trade clause.

• The Raider players are finally starting to speak out about all the insanity going on around them, and are telling it to David White of the SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE.

• The University of Oregon is debuting a baseball team this season. And you know what that means — ridiculous Nike uniforms!

The lines in the gray pinstripe uniforms are not actually solid lines — they’re the complete text of the university fight song.

• The Joe Calzaghe-Roy Jones Jr. fight this Saturday isn’t really captivating boxing fans. BOXING NEWS says it’s because the fight is such a mismatch in Calzaghe’s favor.

• The Brewers just picked up Mike Cameron’s option, but that’s not going to prevent them from shopping him to the Yankees for Melky Cabrera and Ian Kennedy, says MLB TRADE RUMORS.

• CNN says that some British guy claims baseball was invented in his country because Jane Austen referenced it in a book.  C’mon, let us have this one, England.

• Charlie Weis is lucky to still have a knee, according to an AP report (via ESPN). He tore his ACL, MCL, PCL, GCL, and Florida State League. He also broke his femur. How is he supporting his body on that thing?

Have you voted yet? Why haven’t you voted yet? Why do you hate democracy so much? You know who loves democracy and elections? Chris Berman. That’s why we had Barack “And A Hard Place” Obama and John “Raising” McCain being interviewed by The Swami at halftime of Monday Night Football, answering the hard-hitting questions on topics such as health care, specifically their stance on importing medicine from Canada.

Actually, they didn’t give their stance on “222s,” although that would have been more enlightening than what we got out of each candidate. I saw Bob Costas interview President George W. Bush during the Olympics, and Chris Berman is no Bob Costas.

Here’s what each candidate would change about sports: McCain would get tough on steroids, while Obama would put a playoff in place for college football. That McCain chose a topic six months past relevancy while Obama went for the classic suck-up that all sports fans care about shows why the polls stand where they do.

Judge for yourself. First, Sen. Obama:

…and Sen. McCain:

And, oh yeah, there was a football game last night! And to draw a Presidential Election analogy, the Redskins played Walter Mondale to the Steelers’ Ronald Reagan (anyone under 30 should look it up on Wikipedia), as Pittsburgh rolled to a 23-6 victory. The only downside for Pittsburgh? Ben Roethlisberger left at halftime with a bum shoulder.

How come Pittsburgh has someone like Byron Leftwich as their back-up QB, but the Cowboys’ choices post-Tony Romo resemble the Republican ticket: ancient (Brad Johnson) and ineptly overmatched (Brooks Bollinger)?

Here’s what else happened last night for you to read before you get out and vote because it’s your civic duty as Americans and your fathers died for this right and if you don’t vote you are spitting in the graves of dead soldiers from World War I and the ghost of Teddy Roosevelt and Abraham Lincoln will haunt you until your death (maybe I’m being a bit hyperbolic, but you really should vote):

• Break out the hair gel and popped collars, and get ready to cover your junk: the CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER says the Brady Quinn era for the Browns will officially begin on Thursday, as the strapping young man gets the nod ahead of Derek “I Suck” Anderson for Cleveland’s game against Denver.
• UFC middleweight Chris Leben might want to consider changing his nickname from “The Crippler” to “The Juicer” after MMA JUNKIE reports that he has been suspended for nine months after testing positive for steroids. John McCain would put Leben over his knee and give him a firm paddling if he’s elected President.
• The BOSTON GLOBE brings news that Theo Epstein has signed a new contract with the Red Sox to stay on as GM. Epstein held out until the team promised to pick up all gorilla suit-related dry cleaning bills.
• From the Jim Fixx Memorial Department of Irony: two runners died of heart attacks after finishing the New York Marathon, according to the NEW YORK TIMES. I’ll choose to die of a heart attack while eating a Hot Pocket and watching Antiques Roadshow, the way God intended it.
• The LAS VEGAS SUN says the sun is setting on Greg Maddux, as the future Hall of Famer is finally set to call it a career after 23 seasons and 367 wins.
• Meanwhile, the DALLAS MORNING NEWS has news that Greg’s brother Mike Maddux has been named pitching coach for the Texas Rangers, as he can teach them everything he learned about being a throughly mediocre-to-average pitcher (which would be a drastic improvement for the Rangers).
• The AP notes that Ken Mink, the 73-year-old college basketball player at Roane State Community College, scored two points last night in his team’s 93-42 win over the King’s College JV team. Maybe John McCain will have something to look forward to post-election after all…
• Breathe a sigh of relief, Bears fans, the CHICAGO TRIBUNE soothes your worries about the 2008 season going down the tubes: Kyle Orton does not have ligament damage in his ankle, meaning your time with Sexy Rexy at QB could be as short as three games.
• The BUDAPEST TIMES reports that former Hungarian Olympic athlete Krisztián Tölgyesi has been arrested after numerous explosive devices were found in his car. John McCain has no opinion on this, as long as they weren’t fueled by steroids.
• Iowa can’t seem to stop getting their football players arrested, as the CEDAR RAPIDS GAZETTE has word that Hawkeyes DB Harold Dalton has pleaded guilty to three booze-related charges after a fight at a bar on Sunday. That’s three arrests this season for Iowa players, if you’re keeping track.

That low rumble you heard in Los Angeles last night wasn’t an earthquake - it was the sound of one million Dodger mini-flags being ripped off of cars simultaneously. The team didn’t have a total collapse like the Cubs, but a sixth-inning mini-meltdown of one bad throw and two lousy pitches undid the rest of the night and equaled a 3-2 defeat.

Dodger fans throughout LA have one question: when does the Lakers season start? That, and if Joe Torre should have lifted Derek Lowe after Chase Utley deposited a ball into the bleachers in right center to tie the game. I agree with the LA TIMES’ BLUE NOTES that you have to leave Lowe in: he had been cruising along until then. If you want to find a goat, look at Rafael Furcal going 0-4 at the top of the line-up and making a lousy throw. Or the 6-7-8 hitters for the Dodgers, who went 1-11.

And speaking of finger-pointing: Clemson Tigers, meet your fans! If you thought that the fans were hard on you after your loss to Maryland, you probably want to schedule some extra sessions with the team therapist to deal with the fallout from your 12-7 loss to Wake Forest and practically Auburn-like offense. Perhaps it’s just karma for taking away Ray Ray McElrathbey’s scholarship in the off-season.

Here’s some more news to ponder while watching the Dow Jones Index go down another hundred points. Wait, make it two hundred! Three hundred! Wow, I didn’t even know it could go into negative numbers…

• YAHOO! SPORTS weighs in that MMA sensation Gina Carano is putting her career - and health - in danger by having to continually struggle to make weight.
• So who is throwing out the first pitch for the Rays before Game 1 of the ALCS? The TAMPA TRIBUNE says that it will be 11 original season ticket holders. Dick Vitale will have to wait until Game 2.
• The CANTON REPOSITORY says that if Romeo Crennel had a vote, his players would keep their politics to themselves after Brady Quinn introduced John McCain at a local rally and Willie McGinnest publicly backed Barack Obama.
• Maybe McCain’s campaign should hire Don Cherry to yell at him for motivation: after the Maple Leaf’s management was ripped by the blustery Canadian broadcasting legend, Toronto went out and beat the defending Stanley Cup champions Detroit Red Wings during the NHL Opening Night Except for Games Played in Europe.
• While his brother might be taking the high road about the New York Yankees, Frank Torre isn’t, gloating to the USA TODAY about the Yankees’ misfortune this season.
• NASCAR drivers acting like idiots, and neither of them are named Tony Stewart? The CHARLOTTE OBSERVER says that Kevin Harvick and Carl Edwards scuffled in the garage as fall-out from last week’s wreck at Talladega.
• Enjoy it while you can, Clippers fans, even if it’s the preseason - LA’s second NBA team takes out the Lakers 107-80, which doesn’t keep Phil Jackson from suggesting to a TV reporter that the Clippers should move to Fresno. Ouch.
• And speaking of Fresno: the FRESNO BEE notes that apparently the NCAA frowns on having a local club host your 21st birthday party with ads in the paper, as Bulldogs RB Ryan Mathews found out.
• Want to be an MLB player? Well, the Royals are almost a big league team, and the KANSAS CITY STAR says that they are having open tryouts this weekend.
• And finally, a story about Notre Dame lineman Pat Kuntz and his ever-changing hairstyle, which is now a Mohawk. Gentlemen, I’ll leave the jokes about the landing strip of hair on Kuntz to you in comments.

In a way, the Trix Rabbit is very much a metaphor for the American Dream. Every red-blooded American wants that shiny pot of gold, or cereal. And the Trix Rabbit, God bless him, never gets it.

Much like the New York Mets, who wanted those tickets to the postseason so badly last year, but never got it. And this year, plus Johan Santana, the same fate has been bestowed on Those Ovarachievin(?) Amazins.

(Bright Side: Mets owner launches comedy career on heels of team’s collapse)

One man who seems to be eating plenty of cereal, CC Sabathia, was mostly the reason the Mets’ loss sent them out of the Wild Card hunt. His complete game sent Milwaukee (Algonquin for “the playoff land”) to their first postseason series since 1982 (and set off a Prince Fielder postgame celebration that inspired Japanese porno aficionados long-suffering Brewers fans):

Meanwhile, I think the Detroit Tigers have had just about enough cereal. They’re full, but MLB is force feeding them breakfast foods as they have to travel to Chicago and make up their 162 game against the White Sox to determine the AL Central winner.

If the Soxo Blanco win, they force another bonus game, this time against Minnesota, with the victor earning a playoff spot against Tampa. If they lose — against former Sox pitcher Freddy Garcia, no less — then Minnesota wins outright, and hopefully we can stop talking about Detroit baseball altogether. (Although I surmise they’ll force them to keep playing meaningless baseball games against the Indians until November.)

Your playoff pairings, sans Tampa:
Red Sox-Angels, starts Wednesday at 10 p.m. (Josh Beckett)
Brewers-Phillies, starts Wednesday at 3 p.m.
Dodgers-Cubs, starts Wednesday at 6:30 p.m.

But could playoffs be in the future of this man?

Yes, that’s Kerry Collins, of the Tennessee Collinses. At a robust 36 years old, he’s led the Titans to a win over the Minnesota Vikings and a 4-0 record. One other team has a perfect 4-0 record, and it’s the Buffalo Bills. So maybe it’s not so impressive if Buffalo can do it too.

Denver would have been 4-0, but the Hochulian karma finally caught up to them as they dropped a sulfurous egg in Kansas City, losing 33-19 to the Chiefs. Strangely, this puts Mike Shanahan — with ALL those career wins — at 3-11 in games at Arrowhead Stadium, notes KSNT/TOPEKA.

Dallas might also be 4-0 were it not for the fervent Washington Redskins, who never trailed past the second quarter, who prevailed 26-24 over their Cowboyish rivals. As the DALLAS MORNING NEWS points out, football genius/wide receiver Terrell Owens knows why his team lost: it’s because he didn’t get the ball enough. Never mind that of the team’s 60 plays, 20 of them were either touched by or thrown to him. Honestly, if it was just Romo, T.O., and nine linemen out there, nobody could beat them. Marion Barber had 26 yards on eight carries, which was 26 yards that Owens could have accumulated instead. What a selfish running back, always thinking about himself.

Also: Brett Favre never threw six touchdowns in a game before? Seriously? Next thing you’re going to tell me, Hank Aaron never knocked three dingers in a game.

We’ve always shared ten links in the SbB Speed Read, but don’t let that stop you from thinking this is our career high:

• THE SPORTS HERNIA finds out who Mets fans think are No. 1.
• In non-bird flipping news, Jeremy Cothran of the NEWARK STAR LEDGER recounts the final depressing day at Shea
• THE DUGOUT struggles with the NL Cy Young winner, finding out playoff berths won’t be a factor.
• Rob Parker of the DETROIT NEWS has no problem with Tigers pitching coach Chuck Hernandez standing behind Matt Millen in Michigan’s unemployment line.
• DEUCE OF DAVENPORT catches wind of San Francisco’s battle to remove Tommy Lasorda from their local Italian-American parade — because he’s not a local boy.
• Gary Shelton of the ST. PETE TIMES depicts Buccaneers kicker Matt Bryant’s extremely heartbreaking week.
• Who’s #1: Alabama or Oklahoma? The TUSCON CITIZEN’s Anthony Gimino is seeing Crimson in his eyes over the AP voter’s pick of the Sooners.
• Move over, Kevin Johnson. Former Pistons Hall-of-Famer Dave Bing has his eyes on a mayoral bid, in this case, Detroit. Hey, anyone has to be an improvement over Hizzonor, Kwame Kilpatrick.
• They may have finally won a game, but after a sloppy win over the Bengals and headed into a bye week, Bob Hunter of the COLUMBUS DISPATCH is calling for Brady Quinn to start their next game against the Giants.
• Day old news, but it really needs mentioning. The career-ending injury of Ball State’s Dante Love last week showed up in unrequited love, support and fundraising from Cardinals fans during their 41-20 win over Kent State, the MUNCIE STAR PRESS reports. As an aside: At 5-0, and given their weak schedule from here on out, you might look no further than Muncie, Indiana as the home of year’s undefeated team that will not make the BCS.