Speed Read: Donte’ Stallworth Reaches DUI Deal

Sometimes, all you can ask for is closure. Not revenge or punishment or the eye for the proverbial eye; just enough to begin the healing process.

Donte Stallworth

And so, according to the MIAMI HERALD, the family of Mario Reyes, the man Donte’ Stallworth stands accused of killing in a March DUI accident, have been described by prosecutors as “the primary force” in a plea deal that is expected to be accepted today. And rather than spending years and years in prison, Stallworth may only have a short jail stay:

Cleveland Browns wide receiver Donte’ Stallworth is expected to plead guilty Tuesday to driving drunk when he struck and killed a pedestrian on the MacArthur Causeway in March, The Miami Herald has learned.

Stallworth’s attorney, Christopher Lyons, confirmed that the case was expected to be resolved Tuesday in court. Lyons declined to detail terms of the plea, which are not yet public.

While this is good news for Stallworth and his family, it doesn’t mean his NFL career is back in play; even after the jail stay imposed by the judge, Stallworth will still have to be reinstated by the notoriously unsympathetic Roger Goodell.  This will be a remarkably tough decision for the commissioner; no matter what length of suspension he decides on, it’s still going to be met by (not entirely unreasonable) protests of “Oh, so that’s how many games a human life is worth?”

But all the same, the person who’s really going to be haunted by the specter of death here is Stallworth, not Goodell. That he, even accidentally, killed a fellow man is a fact that will saddle him long after he’s gone from the league.

*UPDATE*: Stallworth gets sentenced to 30 days in jail & two years of house arrest.

Okay, we need a fun story after all that. So, as we warned you earlier, Joe Buck’s talk show career just started last night. And, judging by what AWFUL ANNOUNCING found, it may have ended last night too.

Joe Buck

The milquetoast play-by-play announcer for FOX had put together a decent, meh-but-not-terrible first episode, with appearances by Brett Favre (more on him later), Michael Irvin, Chad Ochocinco, and other famous members of the sports world. And then to close it out, he had on longtime friend Paul Rudd, a practically non-existent Jason Sudeikis, and, inexplicably, Artie Lange.

The audio is ludicrously NSFW, but if you’ve got earphones and/or a door to your office, you’ll want to check out Lange single-handedly derailing the show:

And then yes, Favre. Favre Favre Favre. He was the first guest on the show, and allowed make unironic claims like he’s not looking for attention. While he’s on, y’know, a nationally televised talk show. And to his credit, the fact that this is his first public appearance while ESPN has hammered coverage of his dalliance with Vikings management into viewers’ brains (we think Ed Werder’s been tasked with rifling through the trash down at Favre’s ranch in Mississippi) should be noted. That said, this happens every damn year, and it’s so tiresome. Here we are in June, with training camps underway. Teams want to have their summer rosters in place. So is Favre going to play this year? “Maybe.”

Brett Favre Vikings
(Here we go again.)

Also, the fact that Favre’s first public comments aren’t to ESPN should be noted as well. So rather than think of Favre as a caricature of an attention whore or drama queen or whatever, perhaps it’s best to - yes, we know this is neither fun nor easy - recognize the shades of gray and think that while he knows how easy it is to attract attention after spending two decades in the spotlight,  part of him actually is a country-bred bumpkin from Mississippi who would play football forever if he could.

But then again, we don’t know where the annual retirement charade fits into either side. And how many years in a row is this? Eight? C’mon, man.

Here are more stories to consider as you mourn Shawn Johnson’s euthanization

  • Look, this is clearly not the appropriate forum to discuss the ongoing turmoil in Iran. We’re not nearly qualified enough to comment on it, and that’s not what you’re here to read anyway. That said, if you’re wanting to find out more about watching the seeds of revolution occur in real-time, Andrew Sullivan’s blog is a good place to start. So why even bring it up? Only for the most epic picture in tOSU history, via 11W (click here for higher res, pops):

Tehran Buckeye
(Your move, Michigan.)

What else is Joe Morgan lying about?

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Demetrius Walker And The Hoops Hype Machine

It’s shocking that it took until 2009 for the NCAA to ban the recruiting of eighth graders. Aside from the obvious ethical quandaries inherent in objectifying middle schoolers the same way one would evaluate a head of cattle, it can’t be good for the students themselves. So a case study is perhaps in order. Remember Demetrius Walker? He managed to be washed up at 16, and make a comeback at 18.

Demetrius Walker

What happens when you can dunk at 8 years old, and you receive your first recruiting letter at 11? There’s nowhere to go but down. And what happens when it turns out you just had your growth spurt early, and all of your classmates start catching up to you? Demetrius Walker’s freshman year in high school was a huge disappointment, and you’re not alone in thinking that a ninth-grader being called a disappointment is all sorts of wrong. 

Read more…

Don’t Tell Brian Urlacher Not To “B. A. A$$hole!”

Great find today by Paul Lukas at UNI WATCH. From a photo in SI this week:

Brian Urlacher Be An A$$hole Photo in Sports Illustrated

Now, I know the Bears have been known to be inspired by their fans, but Brian Urlacher is apparently taking it to a new level.

That’s funny, but not as funny an ESPN.com visitor’s treatment of new-NBAer Bill Walker (image after the jump). Read more…

Speed Read: Phils Win Game 1, Free Tacos For All

With a runner on and one out in the first inning of Game 1 of the World Series at Tropicana Field last night, Chase Utley attempted to push a bunt through the vacant left side of the infield but it went foul. Five pitches later, he crushed one into the right-field seats for a 2-0 lead that the Phillies would not relinquish. Can we just but this whole bunting-is-a-good-idea nonsense to rest? At least in the first inning?

Chase Utley Game 1 home run

Cole Hamels threw seven innings to pick up the win as the Phils beat the Rays 3-2 in what was a rather uneventful Game 1, despite the close score. Tampa Bay never really threatened Ryan Madson and Brad Lidge in the final two innings. Some of the many Phillies fans who were in the Trop revealed to the PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER that the Rays set up their games like a “party” for fans while Phils fans are all business, if “business” means getting drunk and flipping off children wearing Rays jerseys. The TAMPA TRIBUNE found little to talk about, other than Akinora Iwamura’s big night.

The most important thing that happened all night anyway was Jason Bartlett’s stolen base in the fifth inning, which entitled all of America to a free taco from Taco Bell next Tuesday. Although, the only way we weren’t getting a free taco at some point is if nobody stole a base during the entire series. Tacos are available from 2 to 6 p.m., which means that all of America should be in the bathroom by 7.

Taco

Just because both his current and former team are eliminated, you didn’t think that Manny Ramirez was just going away, did you? SI.COM’s Jon Heyman says that the Dodgers are willing to pay him market value, but are hesitant to give him a long-term deal. Manny is thought to be seeking at least a four year deal, and maybe as many as six years. This from a guy who a couple of years ago said he might just retire when his contract was up. Heyman quotes a source that tells him that the team may consider paying Manny a yearly salary in the range of Alex Rodriguez’ $27.5 million, and possibly even more if he agrees to a two-year contract. Expect this to get dragged out, especially since Scott Boras is involved and will have to generate some sort of bidding war.

The most famous knee in New England is not healing particularly well, according to the BOSTON HERALD’s Karen Guregian. Tom Brady has already had three arthroscopic procedures done on the knee in the last week to clean the wound and battle infection. Doctors are worried that the grafted tendon that replaced his ACL may break down, necessitating a whole new surgery.  I know that athletes generally recover well from these surgeries, but it can’t be good for his long-term health to go through one procedure after another. You might want to prepare for a Cassel-led 2009 team, Pats fans.

Enough of this “news” crap. Let’s get to the nudity:

• You don’t need to comb through photoshopped pictures of Sarah Palin to see scantily-clad women with funny accents holding guns:

Canadian Biathlon team

These are the women of the Canadian Olympic Biathlon team, who are doing the whole naked-calendar thing to raise awareness about naked biathletes. The biathlon isn’t exactly as salacious as it sounds. It’s an event comprised of half target shooting and half cross-country skiing, and is huge in Europe but not so much anywhere else. The Canadian squad is hopeful for a medal on their home turf in 2010. Bios of the ladies can be found here. Find out which one hates shoveling manure at home on the ranch!

Ryan Howard still gets an allowance from his parents, writes BLOOMBERG’s Scott Soshnick (via CHINA POST). He heaps praise on Mr. and Mrs. Howard for instilling a solid work ethic and respect for money in their son, but doesn’t say anything about it being a bit unhealthy for your mom to be doing everything for you when you’re 28.

• Celtics rookie Bill Walker has kicked off his career in style by trying to start a fight with Yao Ming and Tracy McGrady in a preseason game. This might have something to do with why his ESPN.COM profile page said he was male genitalia this week (thanks to BASKETBAWFUL for the story).

Colt McCoy told the SPORTING NEWS that he’s going to return for his senior season (via ESPN).

• NBA.COM gave every GM a survey and has published the results. Any guesses on who thinks Robert Swift “does the most with the least talent” or picked Toronto to win the Atlantic Division?  Anybody?

• OK, is anyone buying this OCTOBER GONZO thing? I’m not even sure what MLB’s angle is. All I know is that this thing is being written by an MLB.COM intern who knows nothing about baseball. Or Steve Phillips. One or the other. In one post, Gonzo contends that “many” of the 2004 Red Sox who overcame a 3-0 ALCS deficit were still with the team. I guess five constitutes “many” to him (and one of those, Kevin Youkilis, didn’t even play in the ALCS or World Series).

• For an actually entertaining baseball blog, go to FIRE JOE MORGAN, which breaks down ESPN’s ridiculous point/counterpoint article about the World Series, where Jim Caple calls Joe Maddon an “experienced manager.”

• For as much crap as Isiah Thomas takes for running the Knicks into the ground, Michael Jordan has mostly escaped widespread criticism for his terrible personnel decisions with the Bobcats. YAHOO!’s Adrian Wojnarowski has a fascinating look at what is actually the most dysfunctional team in the NBA, especially now that Larry Brown is around to complain about everything.

• The L.A. Galaxy are looking to recoup some of that cash they spent on David Beckham by renting him to AC Milan for the winter. They have to return him by April, though, or face a $2 late fee. The DAILY MAIL seems tired of Becks’ act.

• Anti-doping giant Dick Pound says that unlike China, Canada was filled with “savages” 400 years ago. CTV suggests that Dick Pound should apologize. Dick Pound.

Who will Manny Ramirez ultimately sign with?

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K-State Relieved To End Home Loss Streak To KU

Kansas State finally got a 24-year-old gorilla off their back, as the Wildcats upset #2 Kansas 84-75 Wednesday night at Bramlage Coliseum. The victory was K-State’s first home win over the Jayhawks since 1983.

Kansas State Bill Walker peeing in towels during game

Wonder if the Wildcats’ Bill Walker was able to hold in his excitement.

Blogs: K-State B-baller Pees In Towel During Game

• DEADSPIN can’t hold in news of Kansas State’s Bill Walker finding relief courtside. And INTENTIONAL FOUL finds moving pictures of the peeing (watch the lower left):


• Is there something we don’t know? AWFUL ANNOUNCING points out that Tom Brady is in the running for Esquire’s Sexiest Woman alive.

• ALL BALLS gets down with their choices of top 10 Soulja Boy dances.

• 100% INJURY RATE has video of 8-year-olds getting a head start in their NHL goon careers:


• STEROID NATION learns that British kids as young as 11 have been juiced up - and not from apples or grapes.

• RIVALFISH wonders which blonde bombshell is next in line for Tony Romo.

• After knocking out the Knicks, FAN IQ finds Kevin Garnett discussing the New York situation and questioning Craig Sager’s fashion sense:


• RUMORS AND RANTS agrees with Philip Rivers that Chargers fans should just shut up.

• How bad are the Jets? VEGAS WATCH discovers they’re underdogs to the NFL’s only winless team.