Cancer Patient Inspires Nwestern Lacrosse Legacy

• The Northwestern Wildcats women’s lacrosse team has won five straight national titles - thanks in part to the inspiration of honorary teammate & young cancer survivor Jaclyn Murphy.

Northwestern lacrosse team and Jaclyn Murphy

• Ladies & gentlemen of the jury, Plaxico Burress would like to have a little chat with you.

• A high school cheerleader is suing after her coach logged in to her Facebook account & then kicked her off the team.

• Current Viking & former Bear Bobby Wade sez Brian Urlacher doesn’t think new Chicago QB Jay Cutler is all that manly.

• The Big 12 Conference is looking to move their football championship game to the new Cowboys Stadium…permanently!

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Yocal LA Media Hack Won’t Cause Scully To Retire

Bill Plaschke of the LOS ANGELES TIMES breathlessly reports today that Vin Scully will likely retire after the 2011 season.

Bill Plaschke

(Little low on the Omega-3s?)

Here’s the quote Plaschke beat out of received from the greatest baseball announcer of all time:

“God willing, I will probably come back for one more year,” Scully said in a phone interview. “At this moment, my health is excellent, and I’m leaning toward one more year.”

And then retire?

“Yes, that makes sense,” he said.

Do those comments really merit Plaschke spending a whole piece specifically mapping out exactly what the Dodgers’ tribute plans should be for the Hall of Famer?

I spent 9+ years as a major- and minor league baseball announcer and I can assure you, listening to Scully nightly here in L.A., that he’s still very much at the top of his game. So part of me would like to see him go out that way. Especially after hearing L.A. Lakers broadcasting legend Chick Hearn limp to the finish of his on-air career.

Bill

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But selfishly, I rue the day that Dodger Owner Frank McCourt is entrusted with hiring Scully’ replacement. (Hiring Charley Steiner after the Yankees canned him for Suzyn Waldman? Thanks Frank!)

Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, as Scully’s comments to Plaschke were far from rock solid. “Probably” and “leaning” don’t merit the way Plaschke ran with Scully’s remarks. Read more…

Monument to Shaq Fu Puzzles Chinese Residents

Hmm. I get the impression that the LOS ANGELES TIMES’ Bill Plaschke isn’t a huge Shaquille O’Neal fan. Plaschke, in Beijing to sample the cuisine and cover the Olympics, wonders why the Chinese would erect a ginormous statute to honor the world’s most powerful genie.

Shaquille O'Neal Chinese statue

The answer, it seems, has nothing to do with the locals and everything to do with the property — Li Ning Sports Park — that sits adjacent to the monument to Shaq-tasticness:

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LA Times’ Plaschke Admits, “I Guess I Like Penis”

Bill Plaschke, best known for penning columns in the LOS ANGELES TIMES and television appearances on ESPN’s AROUND THE HORN, can now claim fame for uttering those immortal words, “I guess I like penis.”

Bill Plaschke

Plaschke and the CHICAGO TRIBUNE’s Kevin Pang decided to hit up a restaurant in Beijing that serves nothing but animal penis. Fortunately for all of us, they brought their camera along with them as they chow down on fine Chinese cuisine.

Video of Bill & Kevin’s Excellent Eating Adventure is after the jump.

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Blog-A-Roni: Elton Brand’s L.A. House Up For Sale

• HARDWOOD PAROXYSM bounces over news from BIG TIME LISTINGS that Elton Brand is putting his L.A. house back on the market.

Elton Brand Clippers

• But Tim Kawakami of the SAN JOSE MERCURY NEWS finds video of the L.A. TIMES’ Bill Plaschke pleading with Elton to stay in town.

• PROLEBRITY discovers that sexy soccer star Heather Mitts didn’t have such an easy time flying to Scandinavia.

• JOE SPORTS FAN seems to be enraptured by a large female Cardinals fan sporting an Aaron Miles-inspired goatee.

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Pierce Fakes Injury; LAT’s Plaschke Fakes Column

Bill Plaschke is not as lame as you think he is.

He started out his LA TIMES column upon Paul Pierce’s return late in the third quarter of Game 1 of the NBA Finals from a knee injury that shocked Pierce briefly and required he get wheeled off the court.

(Like LA isn’t all about valet service already.)

Pierce returned a few minutes later to help carry his team to a 98-88 victory in Los Angeles with 22 points.

Not Bill Plaschke mailing it in.  Not at all.

Plaschke gleefully stabbed Pierce in the back repeatedly with his Dell Latitude. (It’s Plaschke’s go-to move.)

Faker!

Actor!

Celtic!

Plaschke rubbed his hands together and cackled loudly. Add a bit about the Lakers’ offense being injured. God, that’s great writing. Tied it all together. That’s how a real writer does it.

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Blog-O-Rama: Nuts About The Nats, Versions 2-30

• Now that the Nationals have a new nutty song, BUGS & CRANKS belts out some additional lyrics for the other 29 Major League teams.

Screech Washington Nationals mascot

(Screech gets ready to get down to the new nutty Nats sound)

• STEROID NATION sprints out news that former fast man Tim Montgomery has run into trouble for heroin distribution.

• Look out, Loretta! GOING FIVE HOLE needs your help in choosing the best quote uttered by Pittsburgh Penguins play caller Mike Lange.

• Sure, it’s one thing to break out the pink bats for Mother’s Day. But HOME RUN DERBY wonders if Nick Swisher will unleash a pink goatee.

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Bill Plaschke: Print’s Patron Saint Of Lost Causes

Congratulations to Bill Plaschke, who won another sports column writing award from the Associated Press Sports Editors this week. Note Plaschke’s comments in accepting the award:

Bill Plaschke

(Fight“? What for?)

We loved newspapers growing up. As a kid, we learned to read hovering over a KC Star sports page on the kitchen table every morning. But sadly, we all know it’s pretty much over for newspapers as we know it. At least in the form of what hits the driveway every morning. We’ve been saying it for some time now (we know, everyone has).

Newspapers Ad Revenue Down 50%

(Ooof: Thank god for ‘Around The Horn’!)

For old-timers, the internet has completely ruined the media business. We all know that people now want their information now - something offline papers can’t provide. But more importantly, people want it good.

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