• Charles Barkley has some relationship advice for Shawne Merriman: “You don’t get your women from reality TV.”

• Well, Jay Cutler’s debut for the Chicago Bears could have gone better.

• Fox Sports reporter Chris Myers compares Larry Foote’s jersey from the Steelers to the Lions to going from dating Beyonce to Whoopi Goldberg.

• Michelle Wie’s blog is worth checking out - if only for the leather skirts.

• Jim Tressel says Ohio State fans are unhappy & miserable. And William Rolle sort of proves the coach’s theory.

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Welcome to our new weekly feature, Fireside Chats with FauxPa. As you can see, FauxPa bears a striking resemblance to a certain college football coach from a team with the word “State” in their name. We assure you that this is all completely coincidental.

Oh, hello. I didn’t see you there, on account of my eyeglasses have not been changed in the last 40 years. I don’t know what’s up and what’s down anymore. I tell ya. Secretary! Secretary, if you’re there, and don’t bother saying yes or no because you know I can’t hear a damned thing. I can sense vibrations, like an animal on the prairie. That’s about it.

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• Jay Culter’s debut as Chicago’s QB was completely em-Bear-assing.

• A fired high school basketball coach decides to spend her new-found free time suing over the fact that girls have to play on school nights while the boys get to play on weekends.

• We knew the New Jersey Nets were losers, but we didn’t realize it was $50 million worth.

• It’s nice when a mother & daughter work together. It’s not so nice when they’re working together to beat up a cheerleading coach.

• Utah’s Kyle Korver & Deron Williams jazz up a charity event with a little dodgeball action.

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It’s always amusing when a buttoned-down sports personality decides for whatever reason to throw caution to the wind and blurt out something inappropriate before millions of television viewers. We won’t exactly call this an Artie Lange moment, but FOX’s Chris Myers amused us all on Sunday by managing to insult the Lions, Whoopi Goldberg and Julian Peterson Larry Foote all in one glorious sentence.

The video is below so you can hear for yourself, but suffice it to say that there was no real reason for Myers to compare playing for the Lions to dating the star of “Sister Act.” And that’s exactly what he did early in the first quarter of the Lions-Saints game. Here’s the quote:

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It’s becoming a pretty well accepted fact nowadays that the NFL is full of dangerous madmen. Between all the dog fighting, the sweatpants shootings, and the cabbie beatings, it could be harmful to your health even being in the same stadium as the NFL’s gridiron ruffians. Hell, you could even end up with a black eye just watching them on TV - that’s how dangerous these folks are.

(Beware.)

Take Patriots QB Tom Brady, for example. Everyone knows Dreamboat is a menace to society, blinding people with his gleaming white teeth and making women worldwide faint on sight. But what you probably didn’t know is that Brady is the fourth-most dangerous celebrity on the entire planet. Well, now you know. Beware the Dreamboat, folks, he’ll mess your s*** up.

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• Shaq is moving on up, as the ARIZONA REPUBLIC reports that the Big Cactus’ new abode is the former Phoenix residence of Emmitt Smith.

• TMZ catches Terrell Owens having some ab-solute shirtless fun in Vegas. (Jeff Reed’s been there, done that.)

• The CLEVELAND PLAIN DEALER doesn’t relish members of Progressive Field’s condiment race being kicked out of the Indians’ training room.

• Tom Ziller of AOL FANHOUSE grooves to the news that Larry Bird likes him some Beyonce.

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