F1 Driver Massa In Coma After Frightening Crash

As anyone who ever went through Driver’s Ed surely learned, distracted driving is dangerous driving. The same apparently holds true in Formula One racing, as Felipe Massa learned the hard way in qualifying for the Hungarian Grand Prix this morning. But instead of eating a Big Mac or trying to text while he was driving, Massa was struck in the head by a piece of debris while traveling down a high-speed front straight.

Felipe Massa

Massa may have been knocked out after being hit by what appeared in replays to be a spring from the car of Rubens Barrichello, but even if he wasn’t, the impact was enough to cause him to drive almost head-on into a tire barrier while going full speed. Massa was airlifted to the hospital, but the good news is that he’s reported to be in stable condition.

*UPDATE*: Things have taken a turn for the worse, as the AP is reporting that Massa has suffered a fractured skull and that his condition is “life-threatening,” although he has had surgery and is stable.

Video of the crash after the jump:

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Week In Review: McNair Shot & Killed By Mistress

• Police have determined that 20-year-old Sahel Kazemi shot & killed ex-Titans QB Steve McNair, ruling the deaths a murder-suicide.

Sahel Kazemi Thong Bikini Photo Steve McNair Mistress

• Seems sadly ironic that McNair had filmed a PSA about suicide prevention just a few weeks before. And Steve’s wife was reportedly “blindsided” by her husband’s affair.

• Interesting that Sahel had recently put up all her furniture for sale. More interesting that her ex-boyfriend performed a rap about shooting someone.

• During Michael Jackson’s memorial service, Magic Johnson recalls his fondest memory of the “King of Pop” - sittin’ on the floor & eatin’ KFC.

• FIU’s cheerleading squad is saved. Thank you, bikini car wash!

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F1’s Ecclestone Now Blaming Jews For Everything

It’s unfortunate that most people in the United States don’t follow Formula 1 racing. Sure, it’s technologically advanced and the cars do more than go in circles, but that’s not what we’re talking about right now. No, we’re talking about the fascinating foot-in-mouth disease that has apparently taken over F1 boss Bernie Ecclestone’s brain.

Formula 1 Bernie Ecclestone

It was a few days ago now that we found out about his pro-Hitler and anti-democracy remarks in an interview. Then, just yesterday, the guy came out and claimed it was all a big ol’ misunderstanding and some of his best friends are Jews and all the other things that racist people say when they get called out for being racist. Water under the bridge, right? Well, not exactly - guess who Bernie then blamed for the world economic crisis? You guessed it: Frank Stallone the Jews!

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Steve McNair’s Wife Unaware of Affair w/20-yr-old?

• A source says that the wife of Steve McNair was “blindsided” by news that the ex-NFL QB was having an affair with 20-year-old Sahel Kazemi.

Sahel Kazemi Photo Steve McNairs Girlfriend Photo

Meanwhile, Nashville police are saying that the gun found at the scene of McNair & Kazemi’s death had been bought by Sahel.

• Sunday was a good day to be a Gillette spokesman. Just ask Roger Federer, Tiger Woods & Derek Jeter.

Chris Cohan may soon not be one of the worst owners in the NBA, as he looks to sell his majority stake in the Golden State Warriors.

• F1 chief Bernie Ecclestone a defender of Hitler? Oh, heavens no - that was just one of those wacky British sitcom-esque misunderstandings.

• How did Ron Artest end up with the Lakers? Would you believe by barging in & setting up a shower summit with Kobe?

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Ecclestone Backtracks On Charming Hitler Quotes

Because he grew up in England and lived near London, at around the age of 14, when the Germans bombed certain neighborhoods there to smithereens, one would think Bernie Ecclestone have a firmer grasp on the role that Adolf Hitler played in world history. Apparently not. The World Jewish Congress has called for Ecclestone to resign as president and CEO of Formula One racing after comments in THE TIMES of London on Saturday, about how Hitler was led astray, and was “able to get things done.” This coming right before the German Grand Prix. Nice.

(Looking down on Bernie is easy — just as ex-wife Slavica Radić)

But now Ecclestone is saying that the whole thing was all a big misunderstanding. And he even — get this — pulled out the “some of my best friends are Jews” line. I’d be willing to bet that some of his other best friends are racist dipsh*ts. Read more…

F1’s Bernie Ecclestone Defends Hitler In Interview

American sports has a good many polarizing figures that sports fans love to hate. Praising names like George Steinbrenner, Mike Krzyzewski, Bud Selig, or Bill Wirtz at a sports bar is a good way to start a fight in many cities, for many different reasons. You’ve got contempt for fans (Wirtz), dunderheaded management (Selig), annoying self-righteousness (Coach K), and unbridled arrogance (Steinbrenner).

Formula 1 Bernie Ecclestone

But what if you could roll all those loathesome qualities up into a single person and add a dash of racism and a spoonful of admiration for Hitler? If such a terrible person seems like someone only seen in the movies, then you haven’t heard of Formula 1 boss Bernie Ecclestone. No, not the F1 boss who likes Nazi hooker orgies - the other one.

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Speed Read: Ryan Leaf Bad At Football, Drug Theft

Ryan Leaf is an instant sports blog punchline, suitable for use anytime you need a real-life example for the words “bust,” “loser” or “train wreck.” But at least he had some shred of dignity: sure, he had been one of the biggest disappointments in NFL history, a top draft pick turned into petulant baby whose lousy attitude with coaches, teammates and the media ensured he would be drummed out of the league; but at least he wasn’t Todd Marinovich. No matter what, at least his rap sheet was clean.

Ryan Leaf

Well, you can forget that. Remember when he took a “leave of absence” from his position as QB coach at West Texas A&M (and also as - for some reason - the golf coach), and it came out that he had “asked” a player for pain medicine for an old wrist injury? It turns out there was more to that story - a lot more. Leaf allegedly really, really needed that medicine - so much so that he allegedly broke into the apartment of an injured player he knew had been prescribed Vicodin and grabbed him a handful of pills.

Ryan Leaf Starting Lineup

And Leaf apparently was about as good of a thief as he was an NFL player, since the cops traced the theft back to him, and the AMARILLO GLOBE-NEWS says that he was indicted yesterday on nine different drug and burglary charges. The district attorney says that Leaf is currently in British Columbia getting drug treatment (socialized medicine!), but the DA “hopes” he returns to the country. I can’t say that sounds promising. (And there goes Leaf’s chance of an NFL comeback.)

Also in need of a comeback: the Los Angeles Lakers. Sure, last night’s 106-103 loss to the Denver Nuggets only tied their Western Conference finals at 1-1, but after almost giving away Game 1 as well, it feels like they are staring up at a mountain. For the first two games, they were outplayed, outhustled and physical dominated by the Nuggets, and are now completely out of sync and without home court advantage. (Seriously, how does Kobe Bryant not get a shot in one of those last two possessions?)

Carmelo Anthony

So the home court advantage in the two NBA conference finals belong to the Nuggets and the Magic. I’m sure that the NBA front office is thrilled about possibly having to market a Denver vs. Orlando series. If you are an NBA Conspiracy Theorist, then rest assured that David Stern is currently making some angry phone calls to some referees today to “fix the problem.”

Meanwhile, we moved one step closer to a Stanley Cup rematch as the Pittsburgh Penguins outscored the Carolina Panthers 7-4 to a take a 2-0 series lead. Sidney Crosby scored the opening goal - again - but it was Evgeni Malkin who was the real star, notching a hat trick including scoring one of the sickest goals you’ll ever see in your life:

You couldn’t even do that in NHL ‘94 for Sega Genesis without getting your head cracked open. So while the Hurricanes’ Eric Staal might be busy complaining about his brother Jordan “cheating” during face-offs for the Penguins, everyone else is getting ready for another tilt between Pittsburgh and Detroit (and we all know that’s happening, putting NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman in a much happier place than David Stern is right now).

  • Even with his team having been blasted out of the playoffs in the first-round, world class loudmouth Jeremy Roenick still won’t shut up, as the DETROIT NEWS says he told a Chicago radio show that Detroit Red Wings head coach Mike Babcock “doesn’t like” Chris Chelios and has “got a grudge against American players.”
  • Jeremy Roenick

  • The MINNEAPOLIS STAR-TRIBUNE reports that the Minnesota Wild and Minnesota Timberwolves are set to announce their new GMs on the same day. Maybe they got a “Buy One, Get One Free” rental package on the hotel conference room?
  • Sammy Hasan, a girls’ track coach in Amherst, NY has been charged with forcible sexual conduct with a female high school student. The BUFFALO NEWS says that earlier this season, one of his runners thanked him for “helping her with her technique” after she won a sectional title. SBB PUNCHLINE CREATOR 3000 ERROR 4XQ587: TOO MANY INAPPROPRIATE JOKES.
  • WTAE-TV reports that former Tennessee basketball player Michael Brooks was arrested after being found in possession of cocaine and Vicodin. Someone check his trunk to see if Ryan Leaf is hiding in there!
  • Former Houston Texans lineman Fred Weary tried to help an ex-teammate out by hiring former Florida Gator Anthone Lott as a general contractor on four townhouses Weary was building in Gainesville. Judging by the fact that the ST. AUGUSTINE RECORD says Lott has been charged with defrauding a bank and Weary of more than $185,000, I’d say that didn’t end too well.
  • Florida high school football standout and South Carolina recruit Ben Axon was arrested and charged with marijuana possession with intent to sell, according to the BRADENTON HERALD. But at least he was honest when the cops asked him “if he had anything illegal on him” and handed them 23 small bags of wacky tobacky.
  • There’s never a great time to start drunkenly hurling swear words at the opposing team from the stands during a high school baseball game…but to do it during a stoppage for an injury is just wrong. But that’s exactly what the SCHENECTADY DAILY GAZETTE says that George “Mr. Class” Sperow did before getting into a fight and then being arrested.
  • Ferrari is threatening to leave Formula One if they institute a budget cap in 2010, so now the TELEGRAPH is saying that Formula One rightsholder Bernie Ecclestone will sue them if they do. Where else are they going to go - NASCAR? (Oh please, please let me see a Ferrari NASCAR team.)
  • Is there anything sadder than a kicker trying to hold out for more money? That’s what PRO FOOTBALL TALK says that Cleveland kicker Phil Dawson is doing as he skips the team’s “voluntary” minicamp. Isn’t there a Bahr brother somewhere who can still kick? Martin Mull? Stefan Fatsis?
  • HARDWOOD HOUDINI is concerned about the recent outbreak of VUS in the NBA: Visible Unnecessary Spandex.

Which ex-NFL QB is the biggest train wreck?

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Formula 1 Chief Not Exactly Martin Luther King, Jr.

In the United States, the sports media freaks out every time an athlete or other sports figure says anything remotely controversial or interesting. ESPN blows up every salacious soundbite they can into a major media controversy, proof of which is the fact that Skip Bayless is still gainfully employed. As a result, interviews with sports celebrities tend to be the media equivalent of room-temperature tapioca pudding (bland, yet at the same time utterly revolting).

Whoopi Hamilton
(Artist’s rendition of Ecclestone’s dream driver)

Across the pond in Europe, things work a little differently. Our European cousins go mad for wacky sports like “soccer,” “cricket,” and “Formula 1,” and sports figures like Formula 1 owner Bernie Ecclestone talk freely about their desires for Black, Jewish women. Read more…

Speed Read: Washing Our Hands of the Swine Flu

The discerning reader prefers the news (and most foods) wrapped in bacon and liberally salted with panic. Therefore, we provide your Thursday morning sports-centric swine flu stories to better arm you at the water cooler to pass along the latest gossip mumbled through your faux designer mask:

Swine flu (or pigs fly)

Whew. That’s a lot of abject terror sensible precaution for one morning. Please add any additional sports-related swine flu stories to the comments below so the few remaining survivors have a record of these final days.

Thankfully, our few remaining moments left as a functional species can be well-represented by the following people tellin’ it like it is and keepin’ it real with the kids, assuming your kids take Don Rickles’ routine at face value:

Geno Auriemma

Fire truck at Comerica Park

(Emergency vehicle sized appropriately to emergency)

Finally, a false alarm (possibly a fire alarm) in the eighth inning could not shake the New York Yankees from barely holding onto a 8-6 lead at Comerica Park over the Detroit Tigers last night despite holding a 7-1 advantage late in the contest. As Joe Girardi put it, “In this day and age, that’s a little scary.”

Heck, Joe … in this day and age, what isn’t?

And now a hail of bullet points caused by two heroin-slingin’ senior citizen sisters (though you can’t fault them for looking for a new retirement plan these days) …

What’s your favorite pandemic?

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Speed Read: Tough Love’s in Need of Love Today

Love hurts: one of the Karolyis’ Romanian pupils has finally alleged abuse (physical and otherwise) against the first couple of prepubescent girl molding.  Even though she apparently has corroborating evidence and thirty years’ separation from those training days, she didn’t step forward until this week. Bela Karolyi responded with typical affection: “Some of the girls have bad memories. Perhaps others say it was the best time of their lives.”  Hey, if you’re training for gymnastics glory anyway, maybe you should just relax on the balance beam and enjoy itIsn’t that right, Bela?

Bela Karolyi

Formula One chief Bernie Ecclestone will now enjoy his own private life being dragged from its home, shoved into a box car full of paparazzi, and transported to a media circus camp as his wife files for divorce and dives in for a substantial slice of their nearly four million dollar fortune. Frankly, we see only one way to save Formula One and the San Diego Padres from having their fans crushed by these discordant marriages: spouse swapping.  After all, role playing is right out.

Bob and Ted and Carol and Alice

A former South Korean baseball player turns a gig as chief cheerleader (from the stands) for the South Korean Olympic team into a hedonistic extended party with expensive hotels and ticket scalping with scant actual event attendance, all on the country’s won. Oh, and then his US$300,000 gambling debt came to light.  It’s like Jose Canseco and Charles Barkley all rolled into one.  Just another example of the decline of America.

Kang Byung-kyu

(On the left.  In Beijing.  Not at an event.)

And so on:

What would you spell out in bricks at your rival team’s stadium?

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