Speed Read: A Handy LeBron Coronation Program

The 82-game NBA season ended with a gentle thud last night as the Bulls failed to secure the sixth spot in the East while the Spurs latched onto #3 in the West.  The Great Bennydini will be angered by this turn of events.

The Great Bennydini (Benny the Bull)

However, you can now express your joy in the NBA’s second season with your own SPORTSbyBROOKS NBA playoff matchups in convenient chart form:

Eastern Conference

  • #1 Cleveland We’ll Be Shouting ‘BOOBIE!’ as Much as Possibles vs. #8 Detroit Ballast Jettisoners
  • #2 Boston Can We Borrow a Dead Guy’s Knee for KG Like We Did for Curt Schillings vs. #7 Chicago Sixteen Guards and Whaddya Gets
  • #3 Orlando Dwight Hasn’t Figured Out a Costume Change to Make Him a Point Guard, Toos vs. #6 Philadelphia So Glad We’re Paying Elton Brand $18 Million in 2012-2013s
  • #4 Atlanta Name Three Players vs. #5 Miami Name Twos

Western Conference

  • #1 Los Angeles Kobe Clubs Baby Seals with Portuguese Water Dogs Wrapped in Veals vs. #8 Utah Deron Williams Falls Asleep Every Night Clutching a Copy of His Tear-Stained Contract After Failing to Find an Out Clauses
  • #2 Denver You’ve Got to Be Kiddings vs. #7 New Orleans Seriously, Aren’t These in the Wrong Orders
  • #3 San Antonio Flashbacks vs. #6 Dallas Hey, At Least We Haven’t Traded for Shaq Yets (Note: the above series has been moved to CBS and the Hallmark Channel as per FCC regulations around programming for the elderly.)
  • #4 Portland Maybe Next Years (But Don’t Tell Joel Przybilla’s Grandma We Said So) vs. #5 Houston There’s Also a Regression Analysis to Prove Shane Battier Makes the Best Damned Mojitos in Texas

As always, it’s the gift you didn’t even have to ask for.  Or didn’t want to.

Major League Baseball tried yet again yesterday to provide another round of gifts to Jackie Robinson, who has been feted nearly as often as Frank Sinatra since his death. Yesterday, every player in baseball wore number 42 in his honor to avoid the embarrassment of 42 wearer infighting last year.

Jackie Robinson

However, since MLB continues to be a bit short in providing affection through monetary donations, at least a couple players did their best to pursue great achievements on Robinson’s day.  Tim Wakefield took a no-hit bid into the eighth inning in Oakland before noted hater Kurt Suzuki ended the fun with a base hit.

Ian Kinsler followed up on this attempt with his own success: 6-6 at the plate with a cycle attached.  If the opposing team last night (the Orioles) happened to be your sleeper team this year, you may want to check just how deep that sleep is.

Speaking of deep sleep, former Illinois governor (and current Illinois chew toy) Rod Blagojevich apparently didn’t feel it necessary to stop at meddling with the affairs of Tribune Co. when he didn’t get his way.  He also sent a note to Cubs manager Lou Piniella to recommend a lineup change in 2007.

Rod Blagojevich

S’funny; we don’t remember Blago being so receptive to a lineup change at the state level earlier this year.  Perhaps he isn’t a big fan of having his moves micromanaged by impotent whiners who never held the position dictating his actions from afar when they’ve never been in the trenches, y’know?

Speaking of, what say we peek around the Internet with a gentle tap-tap-tapping of bullets on your window pane while you consider the effects of an on-campus bar in Redmond, WA, on Windows 7 development

  • Congratulations on playing all 82 games this season, Grant Hill.  Also, congratulations on getting your wife, Tamia, a spot at All-Star Weekend and various local charity events in Arizona.  Strong season all ’round.
  • Now that the WALL STREET JOURNAL has a sports section, expect to see sabermetric notions exposed to a larger audience.  That might explain why the guy in the cubicle next to you suddenly wants to talk about batting the pitcher eighth.
  • Best of luck with the dissertation, PhDribble.
  • Presumptive #1 NFL draft pick Matthew Stafford will be on Jimmy Fallon’s show Thursday, but Fallon won’t bring him out until three other picks have been introduced.
  • We suspect the last time an angry bear was used to sell hockey tickets involved Bruce Vilanch and the Los Angeles Kings, but this isn’t so bad, either:

Now that the non-playoff teams have been determined in the NBA, who will end up the winner in the Blake Griffin sweepstakes?

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Bulls’ Gordon Burns Arm In Flaming Scarf Accident

Ben Gordon of the Chicago Bulls sported a nifty fashion statement on his left arm in Monday night’s positioning battle with the Detroit Pistons. The large bandage didn’t stop him from depositing 8 of 15 shots on the way to 19 points and a Bulls win. According to Gordon, the bandage covered a burn received when his scarf caught fire on a candle.

Ben Gordon

Unless Gordon’s line of napalm scarves has finally reached the production stage, a three-year-old girl with a nervous bladder holds more water than this story. Remember that this is the same team that also dealt with Derrick Rose’s injury after he allegedly rolled over in bed onto the knife he cut his apple with.

It’s time to do away with the pretense surrounding these “accidents” and speak frankly about these incidents. The Bulls are finally a playoff team; now they have to tell the truth like one. They’ve been hiding the violent offender in their midst long enough. Without further adieu, the perpetrator of the Bulls’ pain and scars lo these 82 games:

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Again?! Benny The Bull Blows Apart Fan’s Arm

Benny the Bull, the furball malcontent who works as the mascot for the Chicago Bulls, has struck again. Not content with attacking police, shooting Kevin Garnett in the back, and getting into fights on “Jerry Springer, Benny has started (allegedly) assaulting fans with high-fives.

Benny the Bull

(Bad to the #*&$%!$#*%ing bone)

Dr. Don Kalant Sr., a dentist in the western suburbs of Chicago, became entranced by the charismatic Mr. Bull as Benny whipped the crowd in the very expensive seats into a frenzy. Thus lulled, Benny lured Kalant into putting his arm up for a high-five.

And that’s when the animal snapped.

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Benny The Bull’s Got a Gun; Celtics On The Run

Benny the Bull, 37, was accused of gun violence by Kevin Garnett & James Posey of the Boston Celtics Tuesday at the United Center in Chicago. The Bull, who has a criminal record, allegedly stepped behind Garnett and Posey during a timeout in the fourth quarter and fired his T-shirt gun into the backs of both men.

Benny the Bull

(Benny the Bull considering his next meal)

I felt threatened. They already don’t like me here already,” said Posey. Garnett, a Chicago native, still has affection in the city but felt the need to intervene on both men’s behalf. “We exchanged words,” confirmed Garnett.
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