If Your Team Blows, Shouldn’t the Beer Be Cheap?

Hmm, we may be witnessing a crime here in the photo below. I know that you can purchase all manner of exotic beers at San Francisco’s AT&T Park, including the rare and mysterious Dark Lord Imperial Stout*. But I’m pretty sure none of them are served in bottles. (If those are plastic bottles, forget I mentioned it).

But such smugglin’ activity is what happens when you charge $8.75 for a 20-ounce beer, the most expensive cup of brew in Major League Baseball (although not when you average it out per ounce, as I know you do). The ballpark should be the one place in the world where you’re not forced to write a check for a refreshing barley pop, especially when your team sucks as bad offensively as the Giants. This team should be giving me beer for free. Read more…

Texans Solve Alcohol Abuse… With Smaller Cups

Perhaps it’s just that we’ve never had season tickets to pro football games, but we’ve never understood why people drink beer at them. Yes, it’s football and beer goes with football like you would not believe, but… it’s Sunday, man. Who drinks on a Sunday? Well, let’s rephrase that, otherwise the answer is “us” - who gets drunk on a Sunday?

Houston Texans Glass
(Awww, it looks so sad when it’s empty.)

Well, Houstonians do, it would appear, because Texans fans are up in flabby arms* over Reliant Stadium’s latest trick: quietly switching out last year’s 24 ounce cups of beer for newer, smaller, dare-we-say sexier 20 ounce versions. Hmm? Oh, they’re charging the exact same price? Oh, that’s not kosher.

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Colleges To Budweiser: Don’t Show Us Your Cans!

If the the earth was struck tomorrow by a giant meteor and the only liquids that survived the fiery ball of doom were Bud Light and some rancid pond water from the Everglades, I think I’d choose … um, exactly how many snakes are in that pond water? Realizing this, Anheuser-Busch has come up with a relatively new promotion to boost sales, marketing Bud Light cans in the colors of college teams.

For example, people buying Budweiser in or around the University of Colorado would find the product in black-and-gold cans. The University of Wisconsin, red and white. The University of Arizona, Captain Morgan in a brown paper sack. The usual. Bud is calling them Fan Cans. But the universities themselves are not amused. Read more…

NFL Fans Get Less Beer, College Fans Get More

Alcohol and sports - few things in life go so damn well together as these two glorious, delicious, life-sustaining substances. During the fall and winter months, entire weekends are devoted to the consumption of mass quantities of beer and football, and that’s the way it’s supposed to be, dammit - this is America!

NFL Beer Helmet

But unfortunately, not everyone sees it that way. The NFL (NO FUN LEAGUE HARF HARF) is threatening our precious freedoms by restricting the size and number of beers fans can purchase at its stadiums this year, according to USA TODAY. What is this, Soviet Russia (where beer drinks YOU)? This aggression will not stand, man. Luckily for football fans wanting increased access to their sweet, sweet beer, Anheuser-Busch has a plan to increase sales in another football milieu.

Read more…

Churchill Downs Screws Up Friday Night Horsies

Churchill Downs, home of one of the wildest infields in horse racing for the Kentucky Derby (or at least it was), had a brilliant idea earlier this year. “Say,” they said (and we’re paraphrasing here, obviously). “Why not hold races at night for the first time ever? And on a Friday night? You think people will enjoy that?” Amid bewildered stares, hemming, and hawing, the track did just that last week.

Night Racing at Downs
(We couldn’t find any pictures of last weekend’s night racing, so uh… this’ll do. Took us hours to make.)

Shockingly, over 28,000 drunks degenerate gamblers “racing enthusiasts” showed up, completely overwhelming the track and its concessionaires. The lines were long and the beers overpriced, and mumble grumble people no happy, prompting a full-page apology in the newspaper.

Ah, but this story has a happy ending. Read more…

Beer Proves Once Again To Be Deterrent To Crime

Alcohol has been the downfall of many ne’er-do-wells,  but never quite like this. After a man stole Kayte Taylor’s wallet near a Santa Rosa, Calif., market on Saturday, the 28-year-old did what most women would — she grabbed a 12-pack of Miller Lite and shot-putted it at the thief.

Shot putting Miller Lite

The tasty beer missile hit its mark — knocking the man off of his getaway bike, where Kayte’s friends descended on him and retrieved the wallet. Boom goes the dynamite. It’s Miller Time. Read more…

Ontario Bans Blue Jays Beer Sales For 2 Games

Toronto fans are in for a rude awakening when they settle into their seats for Tuesday’s game between the Jays and Tigers at the Skydome Rogers Centre (other than realizing that they’re once again rooting for a painfully mediocre team). Why? It’s because Tuesday at the Rogers Centre…is “No Beer Day.”

Blue Jays beer

No, it’s not the worst promotion of all time. It’s actually a punishment from the Ontario Alcohol and Gaming Commission for “infractions” at past events at the stadium. In addition to Tuesday’s game, the Jays’ April 21st game will also be dry, as will a Toronto Argonauts game in August. Of course, Rogers Centre officials announced this ban well in advance so people would know not to buy tickets for those games if they wanted to booze it up. Oh wait, no, they actually waited until Friday to say anything.

And, since most people would rather run into a brick wall than endure a baseball game without a few Molsons, Blue Jays fans are not taking this very well.

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Iraq Soldiers Now Allowed Beer During Super Bowl

Iraq may be experiencing its first taste with democracy, but the real American exports are just a couple of weeks away. On Super Bowl Sunday (or ass-early Monday morning for them), soldiers across the country will kick back with a couple of beers and watch the big game on large-screen TVs. I think this is the surest sign yet that we won.

Drinking Soldiers

Gen. Ray Odierno, the top commander in Iraq (and former tight end at West Point), signed a waiver to allow troops, for the first time, to crack open some cold ones while the Giants win their second straight Super Bowl. The army missive doesn’t mention the Giants, but I’m just going to assume. They’ll be limited to two 12-oz beers, which means no tall boys, no 40s, and no blindingly drunk soldiers accidentally causing major international incidents.

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Australian Race Fans Know How To Party In Style

Authorities are cracking down on rowdy racegoers going to this weekend’s Bathurst 1000, which is reportedly the biggest auto race in all of Australia. From now on, racing fans are limited to bringing one case of beer per person. Supposedly this “restriction” will allow fans to be merely “hammered” during the race rather than “epically-blitzed.”

Aussie ice cream van

(The ice cream van in happier times)

Police say they’re tired of drunk patrons firebombing port-a-potties, burning couches, and destroying ice-cream vans. Which leads to our next question: why are there a bunch of couches at a race track?

Fans aren’t taking any of this lying (face) down. Rumor has it that some who are distraught over the new rule might have sneaked onto the race grounds at night and buried extra cases in the ground. More lunacy after the jump.

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Blog-A-Roni: A-Rod Taunted By Toronto Fans

  • DEADSPIN shows us Alex Rodriguez falling victim to the Toronto taunt

    A-Rod taunted in Toronto

  • YOU BEEN BLINDED catches an interview with Sir Charles calling his friend Tiger Woods “useless”
  • HOME RUN DERBY provides what could be visual evidence that being a Cubs fan leads you to hitting the bottle at a young age
  • FANHOUSE examines the thought of Zach Randolph becoming a Clipper. Hasn’t Clipper Nation been through enough already.