Speed Read: How To Get A DUI At 5 Miles Per Hour

The NBA Finals are over. The Stanley Cup’s been handed out. The US Open is already forgotten. So now what? Baseball? There’s still four months of that. The NBA Draft? That’s going to dominate the headlines tomorrow. A drunk guy trying to drive 40 miles home in his golf cart because his family left him behind at the course? Now we’re talkin’!

golf cart

The MILWAUKEE JOURNAL-SENTINEL has the tale of a 47-year-old man (who for some reason has been unidentified) who was abandoned at the Kettle Hills Golf Course in suburban Milwaukee by a group of people he referred to as his “uncles.” And when you’re 10 beers into your day, taking the cart home seems like a great idea, even if would take you a week and a half to get there. Luckily the guy was run down by the cops in an extremely low speed chase about a mile from the course. Here’s a map of the 2009 “Tour de Beast Light”:

golf cart route

(In the guy’s defense, he thought he was playing “Tron”)

Originally, when the cop car blew his horn and flashed his lights at the guy, he just pulled over to the shoulder and kept right on driving, as if the only thing he was doing wrong was driving in a lane instead of the shoulder. He eventually pulled over and was charged with operating a vehicle under the influence and for blowing a stop sign on the corner of Route 167 and Route 175.

There’s no word on the whereabouts of the “uncles,” who clearly were not pleased with their nephew for some reason. It appears as if things might have gotten well out of hand before he decided to flee, as the police were called to the course before the crew even finished up their round.

Speaking of deluded men under the influence, it’s not exactly news that Sammy Sosa was juicing all those years, and still not news that Ryne Sandberg says he doesn’t belong in the Hall of Fame. Personally, I think so many guys were ‘roiding it up that the now-sullied stars of the era were still the best players of their generation even if they were artificially enhanced (and pitchers were doing it too). So I’d probably be OK with guys like McGwire, Bonds, and Sosa getting into the Hall someday. But I might be changing my mind on Sosa now that Darren Rovell has discovered that Sammy had his jersey sleeves tapered so that his arms would look bigger:

Sammy Sosa jersey tapered sleeves

Courtesy of Rovell’s article:

CNBC confirmed through a source that Sosa did indeed ask for the elastic arm tapering for at least the 2002 season. The source said that he could not remember another player that asked for this specification.

“I don’t know why it would be tapered like that other than it being a purely cosmetic change so that people could see his muscles,” said David Hunt, president of Hunt Auctions. “There doesn’t seem to be any other reason why he’d do it.”

Oh man, that’s just kinda sad. At least Bonds and Big Mac had the courtesy to just take some drugs and mash. Who knows what all Sosa was doing. We now know that he was willing to not only shoot up, but also cork bats AND make his jersey tighter. I wouldn’t be shocked if he somehow found a way to sneak some sort of springy superball into play during his at-bats.

Which (alleged) roider has done himself the most PR damage over the past 5 years?

View Results

And now for some links for you to peruse while Ricky Rubio looks for someone in Sacramento to throw the ball to:

• Texas won Game 2 of the College World Series final to force a deciding game tonight.

•  The DELAWARE COUNTY DAILY TIMES’ Anthony Sanfilippo says that NBC has nixed the idea of putting Alex Ovechkin and the Caps in one of the Winter Classic games next year because the Caps-Rangers series drew poor ratings this year.

• The Red Sox beat the Nationals 11-3 last night in D.C. in front of the usual 5,000 or so Nats fans. And, oh yeah, about 36,000 Sox fans.

• This might be the classiest video you see all day — a Yankee fan getting in a fistfight with a Marlin fan in front of his young daughter, who is now scarred for life (thanks BBTF):

• The Bills are mired in a decade of futility, but the people of Buffalo are still snapping up season tickets in near-record numbers.

• ESPN doesn’t televise every Manny Ramirez at-bat when he’s playing for the Dodgers, so why are they doing it every time he hits for Albuquerque? Are they really going to do this every day?

• The 76ers have become the latest team to try and forget about the last few years by bringing back their old-school logo. If this is the first step toward the rebirth of the Bullets, I’m all for it.

76ers logo

• The Spurs’ deal for Richard Jefferson may seem like a steal, but BASKETBALL VALUE (courtesy of TRUE HOOP) notes that the Bucks were actually a better team when Jefferson wasn’t on the floor.

• Swimming’s governing body, FINA (where’s the “s”?), is alarmed that world records have been getting crushed lately by swimmers wearing polyurethane-covered suits. Their solution to the problem? Just keep allowing the suits at the world championships.

• Hey, if Tony La Russa’s “done a lot of research on it,” it’s good enough for the Royals’ Trey Hillman to try out. That would of course be batting your pitcher eighth, which Zack Greinke did last night. The problem is that #9 hitter Mitch Maier hit like a pitcher, going 0-for-3 with 3 Ks.

• YOU BEEN BLINDED has video of ESPN’s fantasy guy Matthew Berry f-bombing it up in a faux-interview with a sports comedy duo called 12 ANGRY MASCOTS. He tries waaaaay too hard, but delivers a few decent lines. Not sure how ESPN feels about Berry dropping the phrase “Kosher C***block” on YouTube.

• Did you think last August that Michael Phelps was going to be rendered mostly irrelevant already, while Shawn Johnson would be the one going to every big film premiere? Here’s Shawn at the Transformers premiere:

Shawn Johnson

White Sox Fan Loses Eye After Cub Fans’ Attack

Robert Steele, a 32-year-old Chicago White Sox fan, lost his right eye after allegedly being attacked by three Cubs fans earlier this month.

Cubs White Sox Fight

According to McHenry County officials, the scene of this violent act was not in a back alley, some sports bar, or the bleachers of Wrigley Field. The attack that resulted in Steele losing his right eye occured at at a 2-year-old girl’s Sesame Street-themed birthday party, not exactly what the girl was wishing for when she blew out the candles on her Elmo cake.

Read more…