Oh, You Aussies And Your Donkey G-String Antics

Sorry to keep bringing this up, but when are Australian swimmers going to stop exposing themselves to train passengers wearing nothing but a novelty g-string with a donkey face covering their junk?

Simon Partridge

Our protagonist is 18-year-old Simon Partridge, who earns bonus points here. Because when it was time to get arrested for his little flashing episode, he tried to flee police. And then resisted arrest. Oh to see a pasty white swimmer battling police while wearing a donkey-face g-string … and so-called YouTube has nothing!

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Stanford $$$ Flushed Down Coach’s $70K Toilet?

• While Stanford suffers through athletic budget problems, football coach Jim Harbaugh gets himself a new $70,000 private bathroom & shower.

Jim Harbaugh golden toilet

• The SEC is certainly a selfless b-ball conference. When the players aren’t giving up scholarships to allow other people onto the team, their coaches are giving up raises so they can afford team trips to Australia.

• UConn is taking the first steps to curtail catastrophic cheerleader injuries.

• Schools aren’t sold on Bud Light’s plans for college-colored Fan Cans.

• Are fantasy sports a nightmare for relationships & fan allegiances?

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Aussies Looking To Send Booze Ads Down Under?

It’s a question for the ages, and the Australian government thinks that it may have the answer. Should all alcohol advertising and sponsorships be banned from sporting events? The stadium is, after all, where you take your kids for that special bonding experience that can only occur while watching large men who make a hundred times your salary. Should the kids also be subjected to signage that demands they drink Bud Light? Some in the government down under say no.

A preventative health task force organized by Prime Minister Kevin Rudd has called for not only a ban of alcohol-related advertising & sponsorships in stadiums, but also on the Internet and in youth magazines. No more XXXX beer ads? The wine & spirit companies and the owners of teams in Cricket Australia, the AFL, National Rugby League and Australian Rugby Union are, as you may imagine, not taking this well. In fact, AFL boss Andrew Demetriou says that such a ban could kill his league. I bow to your greatness, oh tasty booze. I had no idea you wielded such power.

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Ultimate Warrior Goes Wacko On The Late Jacko

• The Ultimate Warrior is nice enough to add his two ultimate cents on the dearly departed Michael Jackson.

Ultimate Warrior Michael Jackson

Christian Laettner is being sued by Shawne Merriman. CL better get a good lawyer and an even better bodyguard.

• A Texas Longhorns lineman learns the hard way why you shouldn’t text & drive by plowing into a co-ed’s apartment.

• An Aussie rugby coach is serious enough about drunken behavior on his team that he fines himself $10,000 for stumbling into the wrong hotel room.

Larry Johnson shows he can treat the ladies right by buying some gals in Vegas a really big champagne bottle.

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Coach Has About Had It With Own Drunken Antics

From the Onion Headlines Which Come to Life Dept., an Australian rugby coach has fined himself $10,000 for his own drunken escapades, which ended with him trying to break into the wrong hotel room and terrorizing the two women who were inside.

Brad Fittler

Brad Fittler, one of Australia’s greatest rugby players and current coach of the Sydney Roosters, spent the night drinking last Thursday, then returning to the Holiday Inn in Townsville at 3 a.m., somehow dressed only in shorts. Hey, who among us hasn’t been drunk and pantsless at an Australian Holiday Inn at 3 in the morning? Read more…

Olympic Medalist Fails PED Test, Starts Drug Ring

Maybe all those PSA’s about steroid abuse being harmful are on to something. Not the steroids themselves, but as a gateway drug. How else can we explain the Olympic medalist who went from testing positive to PEDs, to allegedly running one of the largest ecstasy rings in Australia?

Nathan Baggaley

Nathan Baggaley, 33, has won three kayaking world championships and two silver medals in Athens. Police found 13,500 pills, $50,000 (USD) of drug money and a quantity of powder capable of producing more than 160,000 tablets. Oh, and an industrial pill press at Baggaley’s home.

That’d be a 50-game suspension under Bud Selig.

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Aussie Rugby Stars In Hot Water Over Group Sex

Another day, another Australian rugby group sex scandal. Matthew Johns, a popular ex-player and current TV commentator, was fired from his job after he admitted to participating in an 11-man, 1-woman escapade at hotel room in New Zealand a few years back. Because really, what’s better than enjoying some intimate moments with a lady with 10 other dudes in the room?

Matthew Johns

Johns is a married man, of course, and the woman in question barely qualified for that moniker, being 19 at the time. All of this is part of an ABC (that’s Australian Broadcasting Corp.) investigation into the questionable sexual behavior of professional rugby players in their country. And based on the allegations flying around, Chris Hansen should be on the next plane to Sydney.

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SbB Caption Contest: Gary’s Golf Game Roo-ined

Hey there, readers! Keep your heads up, because it’s time for another wild & exotic edition of the ever-engrossing SbB Clever Caption Contest!

Today we check in on the Johnnie Walker Classic going down Down Under, as golfer Gary Lockerbie greets a couple of kangaroos on the green:

Gary Lockerbie kangaroos

Ok, so it’s not that hilarious of a description. Maybe you can do better! Submit your suggestions into the comments section linked below. Winner will be announced in an Aussie accent in the end-of-the-day recap, with the first shrimp on the barbie on me!

So, good luck & good writing - and g’day, mate!

Australian Agent Loves The Child Pornography

In the movie “Jerry Maguire”, Tom Cruise plays a sports agent named, oddly enough, Jerry Maguire. He gets fired from the big agency he works for and starts his own company in which his only client is an Arizona Cardinals receiver named Rod Tidwell. Jerry then spends the entire movie killing himself to do everything he can to help Tidwell get the big contract he wants, and he does it all ethically. He also falls in love with some scrunchy faced chick with a kid. Anyway, I just want to make sure you understand that agents like this don’t exist.

(SHOW ME THE NAKED CHILDREN!!)

In reality agents would throw their own mother in front of a train if it meant getting a “personal toilet” clause thrown into their client’s contract. In fact, I’m pretty sure Scott Boras has actually done this. Anywhoo, the “good” news is that sleazy agents aren’t just an American phenomenon and they exist in other countries as well. Like in Australia where agents not only lie to their clients, but they also get busted for child pornography.

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Preteens Lead Golf Cart Chase, Probably Slowly

Admit it: you’ve always wanted to drive a golf cart on the street. A bunch of kids lived that dream last week, stealing the cart from a golf course and leading resort employees in a second cart on a low-speed chase down a major highway in northern Australia.

Happy Gilmore

The story doesn’t say how long the chase lasted, but I’d like to picture it stretching for miles through the desert landscape like a scene out of Mad Max, with mohawked resort employees flinging primitive catapults toward the boys. Most of the cart thieves escaped, and police are requesting assistance in locating them so they can be charged with multiple counts of awesome. (A few more tricks Al Cowlings missed, after the jump.)
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