THE FIGHTINS’ realize that the Phillies’ announcers were in a nutty mood Thursday night, based on this little compilation clip from last night’s action against the Braves:

First, color commentator Sarge Matthews talks to the viewers at home about bat shaving, accompanied by a not-so-subtle close-up of a hand slowly stroking up & down a bat shaft. And Matthews’ comments don’t make it any less uncomfortable with the visual: Read more…

Last week, we informed you of the Atlanta Braves’ plan to install a 40-foot Chick-Fil-A tomahawk-chopping cow at Turner Field. Now thanks to the folks at UMPBUMP, we now have footage of the mechanical moo-er in action:

Well, it’s about what we would expect a 40-foot tomahawk-chopping cow to do. Actually, it looks like it’s just waving to the crowd.

Maybe you have to be at Turner Field in person to fully appreciate the chopping cow in all her glory. But we suggest some additions to the humongous heifer to better get the “Eat Mor Chikin” message across.

Read more…

• RIGHT DOWN PEACHTREE compares the calamities suffered by injured Atlanta Braves players to those of Spinal Tap drummers.

• SLAM ONLINE tries to translate some post-series quotes from the winners and losers (and non-participants) of this year’s NBA Finals.

• SONS OF BILL SIMMONS discovers that Marla Maples, one of the ex-wives of Donald Trump, is looking fine for a 44-year-old.

• SIGNAL TO NOISE says that Portugal’s soccer team is the Los Angeles Lakers of Euro 2008 - so they won’t be winning a title, either.

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One of the best fast food chains in the country is Chick-Fil-A (We need some more out in L.A.!) And one of the most annoying sports chants (except to Braves & Seminole fans) is the tomahawk chop. So, what happens when you bring the two together?

A 40-foot mechanical cow with a bendable elbow.

The ATLANTA JOURNAL CONSTITUTION pecks up the news that a large statue of the Chick-Fil-A cow will soon be towering over the Turner Field outfield. But this will be no ordinary 40-foot cow.

Read more…

As part of the Tribune Company’s ongoing series on The CW, “Corporate Entities That Love Too Much”, the Chicago Cubs are throwing WGN a party today in the form of a throwback day, to celebrate the local TV station being in bed with the Cubs since 1948. (The Tribune Co. decided to save on broadcasting fees by purchasing the team in 1981. Unfortunately, they also hired Dallas Green that same year.)

As a public service to those with real jobs, real lives, or those with really old sets that don’t understand all the fuss about black-and-white television, we now bring you a photo essay of the throwback game taken from the second inning of the telecast. (This special level of production values was used for the first two innings of the game.) Read more…

OK, I’m officially ready to move from SoBe back to Los Angeles. Living down here in the wintertime has been an absolute revelation, but as summer looms over South Florida, I’m ready to escape.

(What I’ll miss: Cheesy SoBe stage shows - with requisite optical illusion)

Besides the weather (hurricane season is here, yay!), South Beach is now officially a ghost town. In the winter and spring months, walks down Ocean Drive and Lincoln Road Mall yield mostly well-monied European tourists, Kate-Mossed models (nice, tight, drug bodies) and tastefully-implanted South American prostitutes honeys. Just like the Venice Boardwalk! (OK, maybe not)

And the best part of SoBe? The unending supply of high season hotties hangin’ all over the latest, shriveled-up Max Mosley in their life. It’s truly an inspiring vision that I wish I could share with all of you snow shovelers in Southeastern Ohio (Gallipolis!).

Sadly, all that is now gone, replaced by the now-more-noticeable homeless (and accompanying urine scent wafting over my morning eggs at News Cafe).

Like you, I knew all of this was going to happen. So I’m not upset, I still love South Florida and plan to come back next winter. Hopefully then I will, unlike T.O., experience my first Bang Bros. sighting.

(What I’ll miss: $35K bike on SoBe’s Ocean Drive highlighted by Hooters logo)

So I’m now off to clear out my crappy flat with a detonated Daisy Cutter, shoehorn the remains into my car and journey down Alligator Alley (forget that boring drive through Orlando).

I won’t be making that trip for 2-3 weeks, but I will be back in Abbot Kinney-land early next week, for a shoot with a new SbB Girl. The shoot was originally set for South Florida, but I’m going to relocate it to Lipstick City.

Say what you will about SoCal’s smog (yes, that Gulden Mustard-colored, gaseous material you notice hovering over Culver City when you fly in is S-M-O-G) and overcrowding, the opportunities to produce spectacular photos with natural light is far superior to Miami. Not to mention SoCal’s beaches present many more options for sick piccies, as opposed to the featureless SoBe strand (though the water quality is far superior).

(What I’ll miss: Sobe Street Scene Serves As Appetite Suppressant)

Oh yeah, I also have two separate invites in hand to parties at the Playboy Mansion later this month, so that might have something to do with my being suddenly moved-to-move. Read more…

John Smoltz, who started the season on the DL and managed all of five starts in 2008, will undergo season-ending shoulder surgery.

The 41-year-old pitcher, the last great player from that Atlanta Braves dynasty of the 1990s, insists that he’ll try to come back for 2009. But most of us know better. Read more…

• DEADSPIN finds some Red Sox fan rolling along the dugout after Manny Ramirez’s 500th homer.

• USA TODAY’S GAME ON steps up to say high school b-ball phenom Lance Stephenson has narrowed his college choices to USC, UCLA & Kansas.

• AWFUL ANNOUNCING loses their appetite when Chip Caray & Mitch Williams spend some TBS air time chatting in an Applebee’s.

• CHECK MY TAG is relieved that the St. Louis Cardinals’ experiment with peanut-fre